catfeeder

Deciding whether to socialize isn't an all-or-nothing deal. So it makes no sense to impose discomfort on yourself for not throwing yourself into being a social animal versus getting your feet wet as you see fit over t.i.m.e. My best healing has always come from spending simple time with loving friends and family where I make the time about them, not me. Since I don't feel up for a big demonstration of pretending to be healed and whole, I find myself a bit quieter but more engaged in listening to loved ones in ways that I couldn't HEAR before. There's something about grief that tenderizes us to the feelings of others, and this can usher great bonding experiences with those we've taken for granted. Allow yourself to demonstrate your appreciation for the people in your life who matter, or the people who CAN matter, like neighbors and community, while your ego is on the sidelines. Often it's moving ourselves out of our own way that can teach us things about 'the subtle' that we cannot appreciate when focused on our own business. That's one way that grief can help us stretch beyond ourselves, and we are forever changed. Head high, and write more if it helps.

Sounds like you're reimposing superstition on taking the trip. What do you believe is accurate about a reconciliation proving more compatible in December versus March? If you want to attempt to reconcile then do that. If you don't, then whether or not you take a trip is irrelevant.

Delays can happen when there are key decision makers involved that interrupt the process. I've learned this the hard way, but delays don't always mean a lack of interest. On the hiring side I've been kept on pins and needles by higher-ups while fearing that I could lose my first pick candidates while they delay finalizing. It's a tough process for everyone. Hang in there, and fingers crossed for you!

I wouldn't wind myself in knots over text messages. If I liked a guy and wanted another date, I'd ask him if he'd like to join me on Date, Time for whatever I wanted to do with him. If the answer is no, I'd hang back to learn whether he proposes another time. If not, he wouldn't hear from me again, and if so, I'd see him on our second date. Boom, done. Stop the madness. 🙂

I can't imagine staying involved with anyone who's given me ONE dealbreaker, much less a whole list of them. Nobody here can diagnose GF and tell you how to make her better. You get to decide how long you want to remain in a relationship that you describe as suffocating and 'killing' you. If that's how you want to live, then that's your choice. If you decide you want out, then consider speaking with any one of the domestic violence prevention agencies online to get advice on the the best plan of exit from this person.

Speaking only for myself, nobody else is living my love life FOR me, so nobody else gets a vote. If I found myself surrounded by friends that sound snipey rather than having my best interests at heart, then that would speak of my choice in friendships. I'd take a closer look at that. Meanwhile, I'd be observing my own relationship with this guy in context, and I'd learn over time whether his living situation appears healthy for him and his family, or whether it comes off as dysfunctional. I'd also learn whether this situation supports our relationship versus interfering with it. I'd make my own choices from there.

There's no way that I could keep a crush on anyone who'd be disloyal to a current partner. That's just...yuck. You can keep fooling around with someone who makes a fool of someone else, or you can recognize how unattractive that renders a person--and cure yourself. You get to pick.

There's a big difference between being warm versus prying or acting like a clown. Lot's of degrees between those states. I've worked in tech for many years as a consultant in various corporate cultures. I'm a warm person, and that comes through regardless of how cold any given coworkers might be. If this has ever caused anyone to question my competence, then my competence has won over time, and I've been happier for it. I like the idea of reading the room and conforming to the right degree. However, I've never lost my confidence enough to have lost my smile when I speak or my humor when inspired by a circumstance--and never at anyone's expense. I've come to learn over time that I have the ability to set the climate of my team and my environment. That comes with confidence, which is a learned skill. It's not something to decide ahead of time. That would be an imposition rather than a natural outgrowth of work relationships that become trusting over a course of t.i.m.e. EnjOy your new position, and congrAts! I hope you'll post more to this thread about your experience.

I'd be really disappointed in the judgment of person B, who couldn't wait 5 lousy minutes to ask what the gift was. If I'm A, I'd ask B to return the wrapping to the way it was found, and that's the last I'd say about it to avoid ruining my day if I'm on my way to an event. If this argument represents typical behavior, I'd question how much of an investment I'd want to make in someone who I can't trust to act like an adult. That's just not how I'd want to live.

Oh, honey. I can't imagine what this is doing to you, and I'm holding you and your Mom in my heart. ((((BIG HUG)))), Cat

Sister is not the problem, she's just it's loudest representative. Love is never enough when it comes to someone who is overly enmeshed in a sick family dynamic. This doesn't automatically mean that this guy won't break free, but I'd hold off on any future investment until he demo's the backbone to do so--and he follows through, successfully. Does he also work in a family business? What does BF view as the advantages to buying family property as opposed to any other property? Red flag: if it's all about making 'them' happy, I'd rethink how involved I'd want to remain. How would you feel about committing yourself to living with this guy if he chooses to go ahead and buy this family home?

I would go to the dinner. I've already posted my overreaction to a stupid comment that I could have overlooked and allowed to speak for it's own ignorance. Now is my opportunity to recover while everyone is willing to play nice and overlook it. If I don't take this opportunity, then I'm the one making a monumental mountain out of what I could otherwise treat as a nit and move beyond. If I use this opportunity properly, then I'm making next event doubly difficult. I'd skip that. Whatever 'stress' I want to assign to my dealings is of my own making. I'd skip that, too, and I'd minimize the importance of these people. I'd enjoy pleasantries at face value for my husband's sake. I'd stop projecting expectations onto IL's, and I'd overlook anything I'm tempted to interpret as snide. I'd quit choosing so many mental battles, and instead, I'd just rise above the battlefield--to peace. I'd consider that some grandmothers are 'grandmas' while others are 'auntie mame' types that just aren't all that interested in babies. Sure they might fake it for those they wish to impress, but close family gets to see the reality of their disinterest. Some 'mame-types' start bonding as the child starts developing a bit more into personhood, others will keep arms length until the child grows into someone resembling an adult with whom this person can relate. Others, still, may just never really bond, and that speaks of them, not your child. It's fortunate that you're gifted with a far friendlier and more loving family. For your husband's sake, don't project that onto husband's family and complain when they won't rise to that bar. Head high, minimize the importance you place on husband's family, and always allow HIM to deal with them--and without your influence. You and he both will thank you for that later.

Exactly. I'd quit trying to diagnose anyone else as my distraction from the fact that nobody who is healthy themselves would tolerate this person in their life. So why not put those research skills into action and find a therapist who can help you to figure out your own issues. I'd start by walking away from the mistreatment as my first step toward my OWN mental health. Head high, and trust that you will thank yourself later for making the right choice today.

I'd be kind whenever our paths cross, but I'd move my focus forward and not allow my preoccupation with the guy to derail me from starting my future TODAY. Playing friendzies isn't really in your best interests, and if you won't look out for your Self, then who will? Head high, and move FORward. You will thank yourself later.

This would say it all for me. I'd rather be alone with optimism that I'm free to find my RIGHT match someday than sell out for less than I want and deserve just to meet some arbitrary timeline--from people who are NOT living my love life FOR me. Skip the pressure you're putting on yourself to cater to anyone else's calendar. Love yourself enough to believe that you are valid and worthy on your own, and hold out for the RIGHT partner. Because if you don't love yourself enough to get that--and relax into it--then nobody else will be able to love your enough to make you happy, either. Trust your gut. That's your first and foundational message to your Self that you are on your own side, and you will thank your Self later. Head high.

In your shoes, I guess I'd let our discussions teach me whether the guy intends to bring an improved effort--and then shows me by walking his talk, or whether he's pointing to his diagnosis as an excuse to mistreat freely. The rest would be irrelevant until I learn these things. Head high, and write more if it helps.

You can't argue someone into wanting to behave as they don't wish to behave. Threats on top of that will gain you zero. Have you noticed? I'd learn from this as I move forward. Head high, we all learn from living.

If I would feel a need to snoop through a lover's phone, that alone would tell me all I need to know. Relationships are supposed to help us like ourselves.

I have plenty of materials in my home that I consider 'opposition research'. If you like the guy and have been finding simpatico in the last 3 months, it wouldn't make much sense to jump to conclusions. However, if you've been on the fence about him, then there you go--perfect reason to ditch the guy.

I would interview, and when it's time to ask questions, I'd ask about their Covid protocols.

Anyone in charge of your promotability at work has access to your personnel records, so a piece of jewelry is irrelevant. For anyone to believe that they've been misinformed, I would think of the opposite scenario: staying ringless even while married. But lots of people in certain work situations do that regularly to avoid safety, hygiene or damage concerns.

I think she genuinely likes working with you and enjoys you in that context, but outside of that she felt an awkwardness. Maybe because the thing with that other guy developed. But then spilling your guts sent a message that anything outside of work would become too 'meaningful' to you while she's not ready for that. Sounds like bad timing followed by too much-too-soon. I'd keep your work relationship fun, but I'd skip any ideas about asking for more. She knows how you feel, and if she's ever up for that, she knows how to communicate it.

These were my questions, too.

I would contact several of the suicide prevention hotlines on the Internet for suggested plans, and I would follow the most helpful steps that they suggest. I would also ask them for referrals to resources that are local to me so I can contact them for THEIR suggestions. One of these steps may include advising ex's friends and family that I believe she could be a danger to herself, and I would suggest that they contact one another and make a plan, because I need to pull away. I believe that further contact from me would be more harmful than helpful, and she may need around the clock attention from them or from professionals they may wish to designate. My heart goes out to you, and write more if it helps.

How many people have you met in person from the dating apps? Most people are NOT our match. The whole point of meeting is to screen out bad matches, and that requires a thick enough skin to withstand the search for a needle in the haystack. The goal isn't to compete with anyone else, it's to find the person who attracts you AND views YOU through the right lens. Odds are, that will NOT be most people. Same is true for all of us. Hang in there, and head high.