throoawao

You are answering it yourself, it was 4 whole years, of course it'll be difficult to move forward. Take a pause from dating to spare both yourself and anyone who would be of your interest. Don't do rebounds, they don't help anyone at all. Take time, heal, if you feel necessary, date casually (as in give them a heads-up that you are not ready for anything serious), and enjoy your me-time for now. The next person will come around when you are ready for it, don't go out looking for it quite yet.

I think this is a major major issue. I understand if someone lives at their parents to build themselves up, and when they do, they make sure their family is provided for. But this is different, he's 30 and he is fully dependent on one or the either. You are his partner, you shouldn't have to provide for him. If anything, he should be providing for you and not mooching off of you. Being constantly dependent on generational handouts is scary because it leads the person to be too immature to provide for themselves, and if he is spending money elsewhere, then he is being narcissistic and only caring about himself and what he wants. I had a partner like that, and I cannot imagine him ever being a dad or a father because he would be dependent on me to provide. There are women who are ok with that, but I personally would not be

Maybe he has a second life? You did say he is older, and lied about his age, maybe he lied about other things too, like having a wife or gf. Besides that, from my experience relationships that are on/off, breaking up and getting back together, blocking, unblocking, does not last. You should explore other options, and yes, I do think the relationship is over at this point. I know it might be hard to finally see it be over, but it's better to move on to better things.

Well did you ask her about her opinions about sex and relationships? Maybe she only sees having sex in a relationship, which make sense why she seems guarded. Or, if you don't want to ask her, just next time you guys get physical, try to do a bit more than just makeout and see how she reacts-- maybe you will get your answer that way. I agree with some of the above posts... don't rush to have sex, you need to build a connection first to see if you guys match well without the physical, and if you do, well the sex should be just be an incredible bonus, not a reason to continue seeing each other.

I think you break it off earlier than anticipated as a subconscious defense mechanism. I think you're similar to me, but correct me if I'm wrong: you gain emotion from sex and you want to postpone that vulnerability as long as possible because you really want to make sure the person you will be with will respect your emotions. You probably break it off earlier to protect yourself from the possibility of getting hurt. You'd probably be less hurt breaking it off with them than them breaking it off with you. You probably give into the pressure because of your natural physiological desire to have sex. Maybe you also give into it because the pressure convinces you you want the same as them. From my experience, I think most men would jump faster at the opportunity for casual sex than most women. I think you need to answer this question within yourself-- are YOU (outside of any external factors/pressure/attraction) capable of having casual sex? many women are, and they are fine with it, but some are a bit more emotional than others. If you are fine with having casual sex, then go for it, and you will meet your match who will respect it. If you're not ok with having casual sex, tell that to your date from the beginning -- say you're not looking to have sex until a relationship, or whatever your desires are. If they don't respect it and keep pushing, then get the courage to leave them because they are not fulfilling your conditions into a relationship. Do what makes YOU happy and content.

I don't think it would be weird if you'd hit her up again. We all have this thing called life going on. 5 months isn't as long as you think. People reconnect after years and hit it off again. Don't be insecure in your desire to reach out to her, just do it and see the response. Here are a few scenarios of what can happen: a) she won't reply. So, you'll know she's not interested for a variety of reasons, whether its that she met someone else or is not looking to date now. b) she will reply and give you a reason of why she can't meet. Some reasons could the ones listed in a) or could be that she was annoyed that it took you so long to message back. If its the latter, you could tell her why you didn't message earlier, and if you both find it forgivable then you could proceed. c) she will reply and agree to chat more/meet up. This is the best scenario for you, so message her expecting c) and if you get a) or b) then well, at least you tried. We lose all of the chances we don't take. Message her, you have nothing to lose.

This is a great quote, "don't fish in a pond of catfish if you want to catch salmon". I suppose I was just checking out the waters, seeing what's out there. I have no care for ethnicity, religion, etc. In the long run, I'd like to settle down with a respectable, stable man who is interested in a monogamous relationship with kids. So as you say, perhaps the more I date the more chances I'll find the right guy.

Ok. I started dating again. Woohoo! I knew I was ready when I didn't crave it to ease any insecurities. Thus far, since last spring, I dated/entertained a few guys: Guy#1: My best friend's cousin. She has been wanting us to get together for the longest time, as we're the same age, both in similar places in life/career, and are both from similar families. I decided to give it a shot, I went on a date with him, then went on another, and I was well, swooped off my feet. I liked him, and he liked me. We both vocalized that we enjoyed each other's company and my best friend told me he told her that he wanted to continue seeing me. I also wanted to continue to explore whatever we had. Then, he randomly messaged me telling me he's not ready for anything serious. I was upset, but wasn't hurt. I was happy he was honest and within a few months, I started to date again. I still feel (embarassingly) hopeful he may change his mind and get back in contact with me when he does eventually want something serious. Guy#2: Vacation fling. I went on a girls' trip and met a guy at the club. We both enjoyed each other's company, made out quite a lot, and had a good time while I was vacationing in Cali. I'm from Jersey, so we both agreed the distance would not allow us to work out because we had our work/family/friends and life in states of opposite coasts. Guy#3: Mismatch. Talked with him a bunch over the years on IG, but we never met. When we did, we had a connection. We had a lot to talk about, and a lot in common. We both wanted the same things: a relationship with more/less serious intentions, and we can see where it goes with no rush. We broke things off because he decided he wanted to fully focus on his career, and could not make any serious promises for a relationship. This was the first guy I cried about after my breakup. The way we broke things off was strangely emotional-- we didn't date long enough to be very attached, but for some reason we felt very sad to part ways. Guy#4: Another mismatch. He seemed perfect on paper. He was in grad school (like me), similar immigrant background to my own, very kind, attractive. But, our connection didn't seem there... I know what a connection is like, and this was not it. I think it was mutual and we eventually stopped talking. There was nothing to end. Guy#5: Current. He's my age, in grad school too, we met up on a few dates. We have crazy physical chemistry. He's very charming and seems to know what he wants. We want similar things, an eventual connection to something serious but not in a rush. But this man is not consistent at freaking all. Last week, we hung out for the first time, and during our date he told me he wants to see me again. During the week, we exchanged a few texts here and there and he mentioned hanging out again (earlier in the week). But then he didn't text until the day we planned to meet. 2nd date, went well, and during kissing he said he likes me and mentioned again to hang out the following week. It's Tuesday, and he kind of seems to be very distant and has not reached out at all, besides literally two texts during the weekend. Am I being too needy, or do I have reasonable concerns? From this disappearing it feels like he could be ghosting or quick to ghost, or is this an overreaction? I know he didn't promise anything esp from only two dates, but I can't help but think he maybe met someone else. I suppose the weekend will roll around and everything will be clear. but god damn-- this dating thing makes us vulnerable as HELL Thoughts? Advice? Let me know, how the heck should I attract the "right" man? Best, Throo

Hey all. Another question to see how others dealt with breakups, but now regarding the intimate side. quick backstory- I (23F) was with a guy for 3.5 years, very serious relationship, and he was the first guy i was ever intimate with, in all respects besides making out. Of course, it was always scary to leave him because I was always concerned that I wouldn't find anyone better physically, because I had no one to compare with. However, I eventually realized that the relationship was doing more harm than good, and I put all my fears aside as we parted ways. It's been about 6 months. I've taken my time and truly am in the process of fully healing so I could be my best self for my next partner, however, the intimate aspect of our relationship always took me back. At the end of the day, he's the only one I could associate those pleasures and moments of intimacy with, and that sometimes stings me. What especially gets me is thinking that he is intimate with others, though I know its so silly to be bothered by that, because I will eventually be intimate with someone else too, I just suppose it is icky to think of someone who you thought was yours, with some other woman. How did you guys get over your first intimate lover? Does it just go away when you have sex again? I want to wait for the right guy to come along, and really have that relationship be what I've been looking for, so I suppose wouldn't want to hookup to just associate new memories. with love, Throo

Oh, Ok, thanks for letting me know Batya. I was judging from my experience, and actually what I said was what a school nurse once told me. I'm not fearful of others vomiting, cleaning vomit, or having people even vomit on me, it's mostly just the fear of the potential embarrassment that I think stemmed from seeing others in those situations. And yes, I most certainly would never project my fears onto future kids. With love, Throo

Hey Wiseman2, who are you to be telling me what I have or don't have? You're judging through posts in a forum that I have been using to alleviate a lot of negativity, thus why my posts may be radiating negativity. This is a forum for people to express how they feel, and more often than not, the bad about what they feel and get advice on what to do next. This forum was my escape to give and receive advice from people going through similar situations. I feel quite disturbed in your forceful advice and your assumptions about my mental health. I have never had depression episodes, or "other issues" that you are pushing onto me, and actually, my mental health is most totally my business. My post about emetaphobia asked about what others do to resolve theirs, and Wiseman2, if I feel that therapy and a medical evaluation is something that I most truly need, I will make sure to get it outside of your advice. Thank you for your understanding. With love, Throo

Thanks a lot for all your responses. Those suggesting therapy, yes I certainly considered it and may pursue it if it truly gets out of hand. However, those who suggested online communities that provide support, I think I'll try that as the next resort. I think that desensitization is the best way to combat this, constantly being shown that it is not a scary or crazy thing to happen, and will eventually just become a feeling that comes and goes. I was able to do this before when I would mediate, do yoga, be active, and be have work/school. I think that with the constant sitting at home because of my current lifestyle, I fell into the traps of my fears. And actually, those mentioning the physician, may not have had emetophobia experiences before. I'd go to my doctor all the time because of this issue, and the diagnosis from him and other doctors was the same, nausea due to food poisoning or stomach flu. And many kids who are constantly at the nurse's office during school because of a 'stomach ache', are most likely emetophobic -- fear and adrenaline have a funny way of acting on your digestive system. Physicians are hardly ever equipped to handle this issue that actually really comes from your head and not at all your digestive system, prescribing anti-nausea medication would be a great safety net, I agree, I have considered that too. & thanks @Batya33 about the methods, I will certainly look it up. Also, yes, I think it's a great idea to go for non-food dates first. Thanks everyone so-so much, I appreciate all the comments and gentle support. with love, Throo

Haha, thanks for this great story line. I think it definitely helped with desensitization when it comes to this fear.

Thanks everyone for your advice, really helpful, and allowed me to understand truly where he was coming from. I knew I wasn't delusional in thinking that this was his way to strike emotion out of me, I suppose I really was so blinded by him that it was bizarre to me how disrespectful someone can be. But definitely opened my eyes a lot about his true character. With love, Throo

the funniest thing was that I already blocked him and all his friends and ppl who have connections to him... he still managed a way to circle back into my life :'). Thanks for your advice, I totally agree, I will keep him respectfully far the hell away from me.