bluetulips

I'm trying to ask for thoughts on a specific problem which is not the same as not respecting him as a whole. And I really take issue with the massive projection of withered nod to hobbies. You've read a lot into me just trying to answer the responders question concisely. We actually connect on these hobbies but seeing as they're relatively niche, I thought it nicest not to make someone super identifiable on a massive public forum just in case. I'm clearly being open an vulnerable here so please be mindful of protecting tone onto nothing and then telling me off about it.

So I do find the marriage issue a challenging one as he seems to be more up for marriage than moving out or buying a property or anything. But it again seems like a kind of instant gratification thing of marriage is being perceived here as fun whereas the others perhaps look less glamorous and instant? He seems to be missing the fact that my concerns expressed regarding unhealthy family dynamic and poor money management are the exact building blocks that will (or won't) unlock marriage. I actually have no strong feelings about buying property together or having children together so there's that major financial linkup removed but I really struggle to see someone just get everything they think of on a whim. Perhaps I'm just jealous? But equally, it's good to earn things. I do wonder if I have an avoidant attachment style that has me hyperfocus on the negative.

Thanks for your thoughtful response. So he does contribute to household stuff but in a relatively haphazard way I.e. he pays for some of the bills regularly but any more than that is just as and when his mum asks for it, there's not formalised rent. And considering how much disposable he has, I don't think it's very much. When I said I think he really needs to think about moving out as his family dynamic isn't great (as I say, there's a bit of a weird living off each other cycle going on) he said he'd start saving $1000 a month to build up a buffer. I both thought this revealed an immaturity in that no one goes from instant gratification spending in the moment to saver of the year overnight, plus indicates approximately how much he's getting through monthly on nothing. He spends on eating out a lot, never taking packed food to work. Random treats. Covering his brother for things. Basically loads of small things you'd buy if money was no object. He's invested in a couple of hobbies which is fair enough but I think even with that expenditure, there shouldn't be nothing. It just seems like he's an instant gratification person who is so in the present he hasn't looked to stretch himself any further than his current, not great dynamic, situation. It's very at odds with how empathetic and professional he is in other spheres of life. I think I struggle with these things because I'm so happy to be independent that I have had people point the avoidant attachment "you're the problem" finger at me. And I do definitely pull away and find consistent deep closeness a challenge (though I don't do any game playing and weighing up other people that apparently avoidants do??). I do want companionship but I think because my attachment isn't perfect, I find navigating the "are they really bad news for me vs. Am I just impatient and pulling away" very difficult!! Rambling non-answer but that's my honest thoughts!

I've been dating someone for several months and I'd been trying to be non-judgemental as I didn't know full story but the longer we date I realise there's no good reason for why his life set up is really immature and I'm finding it hard to imagine how future might pan out but would be interested to know if people think I'm being superficial. He's mid 30s and has a well paying job but has never paid for accommodation. The only place he's ever lived alone was paid for by his family. He currently lives with his mum and brother who don't work. He lived with an ex at her parents. Despite never having had the major outgoing of rent/mortgage, he has no savings. He just rips through his money and has never seen an issue with it (and probably wouldn't have) until I asked if he was thinking of ever moving out and I think the penny dropped that he wasn't going to get to go from one supported living situation to me doing the same for him. He has a really good job and I find the lack of aspiration and completely not understanding the value of money really off putting. His interpersonal interactions are really nice but this value seems super out of whack and the more I meet his family the more I see they're all living on generational handouts and living in parental homes forever to not "waste" money on supporting themselves. Is it a question of if the rest of the person seems nice or is this a red flag problem? My family is so far from this I don't want to be unreasonably judgemental but it does seem really weird.