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Everything posted by throoawao

  1. Hi Tinydance, Thank you for your response. So this is what he says sort of, "i want to marry you, you are the only person who i would want to marry, I just don't have anything to speak for right now, I don't come from money, my parents wouldn't be able to help out, I have to start everything off on my own, and right now I just have nothing to speak for. I don't have the money or the career that i want to be able to say with certainty that it will happen in 2 years, or 3 years, or 4 years, etc. It will happen eventually you would be the only person I want to marry but I just do not kn
  2. I want the latter! I want to feel more secure that we will marry eventually in a reasonable time frame. I dont want to marry now or get engaged now, or get promised now. i feel like these are pretty immature things to do and say. No one can guarantee life, and I can't make him swear on everything he believes in that that will happen. I want to work together towards the goal of getting married eventually in a reasonable time frame, which for me is before 30. (Just thinking of a woman's fertile age window). Then how else can I resolve this conflict? I'd love to do whatever else i
  3. How should I do that? I definitely don't want to be entitled towards this situation -- mind you, I am not doing it on purpose if I am. I want to make things work with this guy I just dont know the best way to approach it.
  4. Honestly that last paragraph is my biggest fear. Being at that point and him still being hesitant. Our relationship has been a little rocky for the past few weeks or so because of other fights, and this just added to the fire.
  5. We really both have no money to put into a wedding right now. He is the only one who works in this relationship but all his $ goes to his basic survival expenses or to spending it on himself or our relationship. It makes sense that we cannot get married right now, but I don't want that. You're right, the promise ring is a way to pacify me. I do feel insecure in the relationship given my cultural values.
  6. Thank you Cherylyn for your kind responses. you're right, if i am unhappy in this situation, i should opt out. i just can't help but wonder, have I done everything in my power to make this work? I don't know. This relationship was both mine and his first ever relationship, we had many problems that we learned from, and i'm sure we have so many more. it's a little hard being in my position and just leaving the relationship right now given that he is my first love and i am in love with him, and i know he is too. It's almost like the right person, at the wrong time. I also don't want t
  7. Thank you for this response. it really means a lot that you understand where I am coming from. and your background about your country's change really described me. And you are absolutely right, i do feel like in a way he does take that for granted and with special privilege. I have been withholding sex from him for some time as we resolve this issue, because I don't feel comfortable having sex with him until I know he is for certain the man I will marry, let it be a few years down the line, just as long as it is reasonable for my fertile window. And true, it is seen in my culture to marr
  8. Hi Pinkflower, Your situation doesn't seem rare. Most men are physical and visual people. They always like seeing new girls, new girls makes them feel young and empowered, and when the new girls give them attention, they get even more confident. What is abnormal is his defense towards the situation. He seems abusive in that state when he yells and insults you when you simply tell him it bothers you and its not normal in a long term relationship. Given that you two have been together for four years and he wanted a break in the past, AND took that time to talk to women instead of
  9. How do i know with certainty that this will not progress tho ? 😕 I want to know i have tried everything in my power before and if I leave this relationship.
  10. Oh boy. kick him to the curb. He does not deserve a gram of your love, attention, or your worry! if he has feelings for another girl while being with you that is not YOUR fault, it is HIS fault! Even if you had serious problems in your relationship, if he allowed himself to be not only attracted to her, but investing time to her, he does not love you, you are just comfortable to be with until he knows it can work out with another girl. Girl, f**k him. He doesn't deserve you at all. You should not be ashamed that HE has feelings, HE should be ashamed and guilty that he developed
  11. Oh boy, you sound like my boyfriend. we also met when i was 19 and he was 20. we are 22 and 23 now. he always feels insecure about me doing certain activities like you described, and his concerns are exactly like yours. What I learned from our fights, is that, you can't control other people, and you can't be scared of being cheated on, or protect yourself from that. if someone cheats on you, that is their loss, and your gain that you dodged that bullet, because if they didn't cheat on you at their party, they will probably cheat on your somewhere later down the line -- basically
  12. Hi Starstuff, I'm sorry to hear about your problem and your boyfriend's depression. He sounds like he is in a really bad place. Given that he wanted to cut ties from you would be the clue that you probably should. You did all that you can, you offered help, but you should understand you are not his therapist or psychiatrist or psychologist. Hell, even if you were one, you shouldn't be one in a relationship. Your relationship is about two people growing to be together, not one helping the other one grow. I can understand how sympathetic you feel for him, and he will always be gra
  13. Hi Timeout. I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. It is definitely not an easy situation. After being in a sexless marriage and seeing your ex prosper without it, is brutal. I truly believe that talking your feelings out will help you. You need to get your feelings out and talk about what hurts you until it becomes so muted that it doesnt hurt you anymore (to that degree). I truly believe that is the best therapy. I believe that's exposure therapy (?). The more you talk about what it is that is making you break down and cry the more you will realize and accept it.
  14. you're right 😞 i did instill a lot of fear and pressure in the relationship regarding this topic. I truly believe it comes from the way I was raised and my insecurity in myself in the relationship. If i look from it from the side -- if we have been together for 3 years and will continue to be, why wouldn't we get married? It seems like a relationship OCD at this point bc i just don't feel secure in the relationship. I'm fine with the position I'm in right NOW, given that i'm not ready myself-- but in a way i am trying to protect my future .. yes i know that sounds awful,
  15. you're right 😞 i did instill a lot of fear and pressure in the relationship regarding this topic. I truly believe it comes from the way I was raised and my insecurity in myself in the relationship. If i look from it from the side -- if we have been together for 3 years and will continue to be, why wouldn't we get married? It seems like a relationship OCD at this point bc i just don't feel secure in the relationship. I'm fine with the position I'm in right NOW, given that i'm not ready myself-- but in a way i am trying to protect my future .. yes i know that sounds awful,
  16. So here's the thing... there is a promise of marriage and children, as we are both "homebodies" -- well, we are family oriented people. we come from a culture that is big on family making. So there is no concern that he DOESN'T want children or marriage. I just don't know and neither does he about WHEN this will happen. And you're absolutely right, life is insecure in itself, but I suppose there should be a shared desire about when two people want to begin having a family. i don't know if he's thinking too immaturely about this, or im thinking too much into this and getting anxiety fr
  17. You're right... he doesn't want to get married. He is not actively working towards it. But who can blame him? I certainly can't-- I'm also in no position to get married right now. I just want there to be an eventual result of this relationship, and be sure that it will happen in a reasonable time.
  18. Hi, yes, so I am from an asian culture that does have a lot of emphasis on being young and having children young. Basically after 25, as a woman, you are pretty much expired. i swayed away from this culture and don't agree with it at all. But i did give in to the basic before 30 mindset. my social rules do not really exist to be followed, i don't care much about following them, but at this point, this is for me, I want to have my first baby before 30. As for him taking care of his parents, he's also from a slightly asian culture, but they have westernized much more than my family and I h
  19. i’m not working becuase i’m a full time student who is simultaneously interning in labs and applying to grad programs. i’d be fine with accepting this for the next few years, just i wanted him to make that promise that it would be before 30 WHICH IS TOTALLY REASONABLE. and he was just scared to do that he was thinking of worst case scenarios of what could happen and he could potentially ruin my life. idk man... idk if this is his way to trying to get me to leave him or what. whenever i bring up leaving he gets sad and we reminisce old memories and jsut cry together. this is such a h
  20. that’s a funny way of life working and fate finding you, thanks for sharing your story! if i knew with no doubt that he never wants to or plans on marrying me, i wouldn’t stay a second longer with him. the problem is that he doesn’t tell me that, he says he wants to but i don’t see any effort going towards that. i don’t want to burden him with all the effort, i’d be down to work with him on it even. i just don’t know how to approach that situation. i don’t want to leave him for a later resort. it feels like unsettled, if i were to end things with him id end them for good, and
  21. 🥺 i know.. that’s the sad truth of things. all things come to an end. i have been focusing on school and applying to grad schools, this has been a stressor for quite some time now unfortunately. thank you so much for your kind advise
  22. hi! thanks for your response. yes i totally agree, bugging him about it won’t make him closer to me. i have made a mental timeline till when i am willing to wait and that was before 30. i didn’t want to wait any longer than that to not miss my fertile window. i told him that and he agreed with me and said he just cannot 100% promise that it will happen before 30, he wants that to be the case, but he constantly brings up situations that might not allow that to happen. like him not succeeding in his life, or him having to take care of his parents at that point and not be able to get married, etc
  23. oh and yes i don’t make sex an issue, it’s just something in the back of my head.
  24. yes! so i was totally fine with him proposing to me and us being engaged for some time till we got married. but he wasn’t ok with it, he didn’t want to get engaged and feel pressure to get married since again he is not feeling comfortable in his career, he doesn’t feel secure in his career. we spoke about promise rings as a substitute for that, we both were ok with that. and yea, unfortunately, in a way it is an insecurity issue. i was raised with the belief to not have sex before marriage and if i did my partner will leave me and i’ll be left alone and used :/. so in a way the promise ring an
  25. ok first off i don’t beat him up about taking my virginity LOL. i just mentioned it because it was an empty promise that was made after taking my virginity. which held a lot of value to me. i don’t bring it up to him at all, it’s just something i have in the back of my mind. of course he is very reasonable and i respect him for that, and i admire that about him. i just don’t want to miss my fertility window with being in an uncertain time frame. what if it takes years till he’s ready and i won’t be able to get pregnant then? to avoid this i want to find a way to talk to him about t
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