pinkrose2021

Hi all Really struggling today. It is not easy moving forward. I keep missing the man who was disrespectful, and taking advantage of me. I know there is no future, even if I was to speak to him, the same pattern will repeat. Apparently it takes 63 days for a habit to form, so will take some time healing. The head says yes this is right, but heart is in tremendous pain. Sherry, you are right - doom and gloom now, but once lesson is learnt it will be so worth it. Life experience has shown to me, things happen and eventually you learn why something happened and how it fits into the puzzle perfectly. With Christmas and my Birthday around the corner.... hopefully I can have some peace, rather than keep feeling that gap in my life that he left behind 😢

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts. There is much work which I need to do with my coaches and a therapist, so I can work through, and recognise, so I can heal, as well as accept that he was just "using me", and then back off each time he didn't have his way. I feel so silly for getting involved the second time with him - even though we weren't 'together' there were still expectations to benefit him. Perhaps I have been saved, as he showed his colours now rather than later. I need to work on what is acceptable / unacceptable in a relationship, as I have had the worst of role models in my biological father. One of my coaches said to me - this has happened so I can break this pattern I have seen all my life moving forward. Need to learn to love myself, and have better standards. Really appreciate all your input, I will come back and re-read all your comments, as a reminder that it was not a normal/real relationship, and I was in a lose-lose situation 😞

He told me he loved me the second time we started speaking after our break up. Yes he knew that I was closed off and pushing back on him. But how knows what went through his mind. I would want to believe he had the right intent 😞 A friend/mentor said the same thing 6 dates is NOT a real relationship. Having said this - we had the intent to get married 😞 never again I will commit to anyone unless I have known them for longer. It was all very dreamy, but that is what narcissist do - they future fake, and show you the dreams. I just didn't know any better. I thought I have the right heart for others, and want to see good in people. Thank you - I needed to hear this 'healthy relationships are all about reciprocation' - I did not see this in my family. Its full of broken marriages, and I do not wish to continue this pattern into my future, and change it for good. I do have a psychologist who has been helping me, and she said the same thing that fortunately I did have some boundaries which meant I said NO to his demand. He has shown again and again and again that he does not care. Actions speak louder than words, yet I keep having this feeling of wanting him. One thing is for sure, if he ever contacts me, I am not responding to him again. Hopefully its not too much to ask to meet someone who is 'kind, giving and has his life together' - so far yet to attract that type. I need to believe it is possible, but having seem my biological father - epitome of failure, and now being an over achiever myself, it is so hard Hi SooSaad - yes it is trauma bonding. You are right in wondering why he's single at 40. But same could be said about me - why am I single being in my mid 30s? But I have spent all this time working and building a life and strong financial foundations. Due to my background and upbringing, I wanted to make sure I never have to ever be concerned about money and that took priority. I am now ready to be in a relationship. As for him - he is 40yo - he made life decisions along the way, from my perspective he does not have a real direction in life and where it is headed. If anything, I have been worried about him and his future - wanting him to be looked after longer term. He did say in the past he would see women, meet them a few times, and not be interested in them. With me it lasted a bit longer, along with intent of marriage! I know for a fact that had we proceeded to that, I would have lost my life's work and my future would have been ruined. But this realisation does not help the pain and sadness I am experiencing. Never expected him to be a client or expect him to refer business. He was not my type of client, neither would his circle been....but wait....he never introduced me to his circle. He barely uses FB, so while we were together, it was deactivated, but then it was activated and I found it. The type of people he hangs around with, would have been such a mismatch. Wonder if he was hiding? Why would someone do this? Thank you - lesson learnt - I thought something was wrong with me that he was pushing me away. He is the one who was speaking to me for hours initially, but things changed so drastically, I was left wondering if he is the same person I actually know. It is a huge lesson for me. I should have walked off a long time ago....but I got involved with him the 2nd time when we started speaking. Actions speak louder than words. Thank you 😞

Perhaps he approached me with the intent to use me? I was only acting out of good faith and well being. Point taken, next time round I will just plainly state to a prospect partner that I don't engage in these conversations.

thank you - yes, it is past trauma from abusive childhood. My biological father treated me like crap - its the familiarity. Perhaps sense of unworthiness that comes up.

😞 May be I was just pleasing him - in hope that if I do a lot for him, he will actually love me. He said he loved me the 2nd time round we started speaking. Yes, I really need to work on this self esteem and 'worth' bit so I don't attract the same again.

I am not sure Batya?! I am actually lost as I have never had someone so persistent. But when I told my mum she was horrified. But the fact I found it so weird and pushed into it, obviously it did not sit well with me from the very first time when he asked for first $300 for his course - which I said NO to, then he downgraded it to $200 - I said No to that. Weirdly he never repeated this instance, whilst he repeated about all other things I didn't do - not pay for his doctor, not pay for a holiday (as he is struggling) etc.

I actually didn't want to get involved in his finances - but he started with introducing to his banker on a 3 way phone call to understand his borrowing capacity to begin with. I told him I could not find him a property due to the nature of the relationship and direct conflict with my business, and introduced him to an agent to assist him, whilst I gave feedback on the properties. So he was never directly my client, but he had me engaged in the conversations. His expectation was that every week we would spend hours going through every single deal, and one evening when he told me that he didn't want to review the deals - and that night he sent me really harsh messages all night on how I didn't put aside time (I had offered to help out, but he had said he was tired, then he put it on me that I didn't want to help him). I was actually a bit concerned when he shared his annual tax return with me, and I told him it was too much information for him, and I didn't feel comfortable with him doing this so early, along with telling me his savings. I am not sure when you say - don't try to buy love? I don't think I tried to buy love. I just wanted him to have a good financial foundation as things progressed, I wanted him to have a financial grounding, and even after breakup I genuinely felt that he should do something to secure his future (which he had been putting off for a decade at least). It was him putting me in these situations where he wanted me engaged in his finances. Perhaps it was a way to know more about mine - but he knew about me from the outset anyway before he approached me, as I do have a public profile as I run a business, where people know who I am, and how I have gotten to where I am at. Yes agreed, 6 days is nothing. I did say to him at one stage that I felt that he had no longing to see me and that really upset him. I know for next time though, I wouldn't be OK with someone who can't find time for me, but expects me to drop everything for them, like he expected me to. I know anything I would say or express, it would rub him off the wrong way.

Hope so too - just want to process my feelings, and stop missing him 😞

It's interesting you say that I knew this guy was off. He was committed to me really quickly, where as I was of two minds for a while. But then I thought he so wants to be with me - so I should be with a man who wants me so much as they will value me all along. Narcissists have this trait of chasing you, love bombing you, and then back off - this was a classic case 😞 some things I have read, went word for word. They love the initial stages of a relationship, then push you away.

He made an effort initially and really wanted to be with me. I haven't seen another guy make so much effort. I wonder if another guy will make an effort. I miss the companionship...or may be I wanted to 'rescue' him and feel responsible. I have to say, this really mirrors my childhood on how my biological father was - always 'take take take' but NOT give anything back, or care. Its the familiarity. No longer dealing with him as its been 2 weeks now, neither has he viewed my last messages or contacted me. He no longer wants to buy his property, and has given up, so he no longer needs me I guess.

Part of me wants to believe he actually cared, but all his actions pointed toward otherwise. I wanted him to come for a quick medical scan with me after his doctor's appointment, and he said NO, we will have his appointment, then he will drop me at the train station, and I will go to my appointment, as he had to 'study', and that took priority.

No, don't think so 😞 But I liked him just the way he was

Hi all Please be kind:) I started seeing a guy earlier this year - we met on a dating app, he was really interested in me. I kept pushing him back, but eventually gave in. We got along really well, and were committed really quickly. First month, he was super warm, and then started pushing me away - I wondered at the time what had changed. Having established myself financially, I wanted to make sure he was not left behind, so I encouraged him to purchase a property, and given I work in real estate I started helping him out, and spent countless hours on this. Whilst I work really long hours, there was this expectation that no matter what, I would deliver to him on this, and speak to him as and when required. At the 1 month mark, he mentioned that his business was struggling. This was not an issue for me as such, going out with someone - I wasn't looking for money or how much they have, I was looking for someone who cares for me. We went out for 3 months. In the 2nd month he asked me if I could contribute $200 - $300 toward a course, which I refused, as he has savings. Then he said that for his birthday he wanted me to pay for a doctor's appointment. When I mentioned to my family and friends, they were horrified. I told him I couldn't do this for him, and I wanted to decide for myself what to get for his birthday. At the time he got so annoyed at me that he cancelled lunch on me. In the 3 months we went out, I saw him 6 times only. He was always too busy, and his priority was study (as he was doing a university degree). In those 3 months he cancelled me a number of times. We broke up. He didn't even see my last set of messages to him for weeks - apparently he was 'scared' - not sure scared of what. I missed him a lot, and we started speaking again after a couple of months apart. He told me he loved me... I had an appointment near his way, so we decided to catch up. We planned this catch up over a long period of time and I was really looking forward to it. After the catch up he started acting really weird, it took 2 weeks of asking what was wrong with him and what had happened and how he wasn't being the same. He said that apparently when we caught up he didn't have the 'right vibes' when it came to paying for lunch and that I (ie me) didn't seem to want to pay - which I find rather bizarre. I had assumed I would pay (he had made a point in the past that I must pay for every time we go out). He started acting weird pretty much the day we caught up. I am not sure how he made all this up, and how he felt this way. He was also annoyed that I offered to pay for a package which got stolen from his mail box the day we caught up - I did this because when we were together my makeup had rubbed off his white shirt and he had made a big deal out of it and had told me he was struggling and couldn't afford to take it to a laundromat (note - he had specially taken a picture of this the night we caught up, and sent it to me the next day) - I had just reacted based off my previous experience with him. There was another thing he raised...but I won't add here, as its complicated. I wanted us to go on a trip as friends, but he told me he couldn't go halves and expected me to pay for the entire overseas trip as I am doing well financially. I have worked very hard over the last decade or so, and paid a big price to be where I am financially. I do like nice things, and do spend on nice dresses and shoes. He complained how I didn't have the light-heartedness to spend on him, like I do for myself. I asked if he was my fiancé or husband that I am expected to do these things for him? Note though in this time I knew him - he never once got me flowers or did anything for me vs what I was doing for him (investing my time and resources helping set him up with a property purchase). My family could see that he was barely doing anything for me, whilst I spent hours on his well being. THEN, shortly after the last heated chat messages, he came back and asked me to lend him $600 - he was testing me as he wanted to show something was wrong with me - he had lent $600 to his ex girlfriend. I told him that he was saying this after me spending countless hours on him, and wanting his well being. He got really angry and told me he was off the app, and he never saw my last set of messages. This is very typical of him - he did it before when we broke up, and he did it again (even though we were no longer going out, we were speaking every single day, so it has been like a break up). My research has indicated that he is a narcissist and I am an empath. I know if I ended up with him for the longer term, he wouldn't care for me or give two hoots about my emotional needs or well being. I have been blessed with a lot, and I wouldn't mind buying gifts for my partner or doing nice things for them - but in this instance, it seemed forced, whilst he was doing very little for me. I didn't feel emotionally supported. I am still missing him and care for him. But perhaps we may never speak again. He has locked me out of his life again. Its been 2 weeks. Just like last time, he hasn't seen my last messages. I can't put a finger on it on how someone could expect financial benefits, when they haven't even committed to you, and continue expecting it after breaking up? Is it odd for a man to expect this? Btw he is 40yo. I know I should have better self esteem and let him go. I have been pretty inexperienced with relationships as I have been just focussed on career and work for a very long time. All I know is I genuinely cared for him, and wanted to provide emotional support to begin with - but he seems to just measure things I do in dollars - if its not monetary it doesn't count. Thank you for reading.