I've been dating my boyfriend for about 6 months, and we're genuinely a very good match. He treats me so well and loves me with his whole heart, and I am endlessly grateful for his company. He's honestly my best friend too, I just adore him. I've been struggling recently with some feelings that have me questioning what I truly want, and they make me feel awful.
I'll call my boyfriend G, his best friend S.
I met S maybe 2 years ago? we have a lot of mutual friends. we talked regularly on instagram, and I developed a big crush on him. we planned dates that fell through, flirted, and at one point exchanged nudes. not to be crass, but ..👀 ANYWAYS, nothing ever worked out and he's a bit of a *** so he's been with a lot of different girls, while I eventually met G.
G and i had a really beautiful and exciting "honeymoon phase" over the course of the late spring and summer, we've both moved and got new jobs and a lot more stress and priorities since we started dating, and fallen into our own exhausting routines, so the fireworks of falling in love have settled down to comfortable domesticity.
but right as that process began, G's addiction experienced some really severe relapses, resulting in totalling his car and getting a DWI, and then overdosing in the course of a week. later that week, G had a birthday party at a mutual friend's house where he claimed he'd be having his last drink of alcohol before fully committing to sobriety and starting NA, which we were going all out for. I got too drunk and crashed on the couch, overhearing a lot going on around me. the mutual friends, more adamantly S, were discussing moving me to a bed and letting me sleep there for the night, while G insisted on getting me a ride home. he confided in the mutual friends when S wasn't in the room that he "didn't trust S with a vulnerable girl like that."
i've pondered the implications of that. Does he really think his best friend would try to take advantage of me? moreover, if S actually did try something, would i have stopped him? as much as i love G, i can't lie to myself and say I'm not attracted to S.
Since the party, G reached 1 month sober from drugs, but continues to drink, and experiences severe depression while drunk. he's very dissatisfied with his situation, since i changed jobs he's been making less money than me while working harder labor, he has no car and relies on others for rides, his home life has gotten difficult following the relapse, so besides seeing me, all he does is work, go to NA, come home and sleep, and all of his other close friends are in jail or rehab.
I guess I should mention now that S and I are now coworkers since i changed jobs, about a week or 2 ago I started working at the same restaurant he does, mostly for the insanely good pay but partially for the awesome work environment and other coworkers, and i guess a tiny fraction is to see him more often. i'm kinda awkward around him at work, but otherwise we're just really friendly.
S invited me to come out drinking and bowling with the other coworkers on Sundays and Thursdays, and G wants to come with, but i'm seriously trying to get him to quit drinking and i know there's no way i could prevent him from drinking with the rest of us, and quite frankly i just don't really want him there. every second neither of us are working, we're together, and i would really like to get an opportunity to socialize with my new coworkers on my own. maybe i want to see S on my own..
i know for a fact G didn't want me working there because of S, and especially doesn't want me drinking with him and a bunch of other men, in the city, unaccompanied, and his worries about S aren't exactly unfounded, I just . i can't help but wonder if this is just an awkward phase in my relationship with G that we'll get over, or if this is what the end looks like. I really do love him, and admitting to myself that deep down i want to *** his best friend makes me absolutely loathe myself and feel like i don't deserve G's unconditional love, but I don't want to lose him over it.
I would never realistically have a relationship with S, our personalities are so similar that we'd probably be incompatible romantically and he's not the type to commit to anybody. he's got a few girls already who he's been in pseudo relationships with for years, all while still hooking up with other random girls. i personally cannot handle having sex outside of a relationship, it's never once been good for me, i require the intimacy of romance and a deep personal connection to feel fulfilled. i already have that with G, i just can't fathom why i'm still so fixated on S .
what's wrong with me?
is this self sabotage because i've never known a happy and loving relationship before, and i can't allow myself to have one?
is this the result of my needs not being met and realizing i need more than this relationship can offer me?
am i just a confused horny *** ***ing idiot who needs to just clean out my mind and be normal for once???
