pregnantkitty_1985

I also must clarify. I am not attracted to overweight people as in, I've never dated an overweight guy. The guy I'm with now is a tall beanpole. BUT, I've seen guys who were overweight who had really pleasant faces and if I had gotten to know them I may have found them attractive. Also, my best friend, who's a bit overweight, is one of the most attractive people I know. She carries herself with confidence and has a really pretty face. She is considered to be attractive to guys regardless. No one is perfect. Consider what features this woman of yours has that IS attractive, such as those lips ( ) and her beautiful personality. Maybe she has lovely eyes? A person can be attractive regardless of size, I'd say.

From reading your post, I think you're attracted REGARDLESS of size due to her personality. I understand not being attracted to overweight people. I'm not either. But again, I think that you are attracted to her personality and that could ultimately make her attractive in your eyes. You said all you could think about was kissing her lips... c'mon. Don't throw away what could be a really good relationship because of her size. I do understand but still- you said you wanted to KISS her, you ARE attracted. Go for it.

Hmm. You're 15- it's been 4 months- and he's rebounding. Clearly. I'd go find someone else.

Well. I know from experience you will never win when it comes to someone's family. Plus, they're amazing at twisting their children's heads when it comes to their boyfriends/girlfriends. Even if you've been nothing but nice to them, they'll still get some bug up their * * * and decide they don't like you, and will stop at nothing to turn their son/daughter's against you. Hehe. Good luck.

I wouldn't, and don't accept that. No one should have to. That's my opinion.

I just put quotes around them like this- [ quote ] blah blah blah [ / quote ] except with no spaces. It will then translate out when you hit the submit button. It's okay, I can understand what you meant by it. The reason why I want to give him another chance is because I've always given people second chances. I've always been like that. Even if they ultimately end up disappointing me, at least I can say I tried. I also feel people can make horrible mistakes and change. Often, they don't. But who will know if they're not given the chance to prove themselves? I know that if I made a terrible mistake I'd want someone to give me the opportunity of a second chance. This is how I look at it. Not in a short time, no. But being that he knows he's in the doghouse, so to speak, now, I would think the next few months will be virtually worry-free. I think he will be very, very careful not to make any more stupid mistakes. Of course, he could then slip up and want to do something stupid again. Which is where his conscience should step in as well as his memory, and remember all of the drama and stress he himself has been through over the situation that he created. And maybe he'll think twice this time about doing something so idiotic. However, understanding the nature of human beings as I do, this may not be the case. He may again make an idiotic mistake, thinking I won't find out (which I probably will.) But that would be the difference between an honestly good man and a repeat offender who likely wouldn't change. I won't know till I find out for myself.. But my point is, during that time of good behavior, could I not find ways to build his character? Or help him accomplish that, anyway. I know he genuinely *wants* to. I think the use of a good therapist, anyway, could help. No, I can't honestly say I know he will do the right thing. I have no idea. A part of me thinks he would think of the possible damage and loss that would incur from doing the wrong thing again. A part of me thinks he would remember all of the drama and stress he himself felt during this situation. And then do the right thing. But like I said, humans are prone to making repeat mistakes. I hope he would have learned from this and would do the right thing. I'll never know until later on.. . But your point about doing the right thing "at the time it's required" is so... so... I can't think of the word. It's just brilliant though. Because yes, that IS what counts, doing the right thing at the right time instead of making mistake after mistake and 'feeling bad' about it later. Because what gets me is like, he'll say "well I feel so guilty and so bad about it... and I felt guilty and even hesitated before I said those things to her..." but WHY DID YOU NOT JUST TELL THAT IDIOT FRIEND OF YOURS NO... WHY DID YOU JUST NOT DO IT?? iF YOU FELT SO GUILTY? IF YOU KNEW IT WAS WRONG???" That does indeed show a weak character, not just a weak character, but a weak MORAL character. Yes, he knew it was wrong- much as a bankrobber 'knows' it's wrong- but that does not stop them from committing the wrongful act much as it did not stop him from doing what he did. Plus, he'll say "well... Look at who was around me, I mean come on. It was Tim... he wouldn't leave me alone.." Maybe so, but you are an adult man. You had every right to tell him to go home and take the girl with him. This is also why I wonder if he really DID want to do that and the whole "Tim made me do it, I didn't want to look like a p-ssy" excuse is exactly that- an excuse. Because someone who's moral compass/conscience was inside their mind saying, "You know it's wrong, you've got a girl sleeping in the back..." probably wouldn't have done it... or would they... if they have a weak character yes... but then maybe not... see what I mean? It's one big convoluted mess, with many 'possibilities' and 'maybes' and here I am again, convincing myself he is guilty guilty guilty. And also rambling. I wish this stuff would just end. I'm sick of it. I wish it had never happened. I know if I stay and forgive I should drop it but as you can see I just can't. And I keep bringing it up daily (it's like, my mouth just can't stop) and it's simulataneously annoying him and stressing him. He asked me how long would he have to pay for this. I don't know. My first thought is, why do you feel you should not have to pay for it? Why do you not accept responsibility? My second thought is, I'm being a real um, (profane language here) and causing a bunch of unnecessary stress. Then a third thought, an evil part of me, kicks in saying, "so what! he deserves it! Don't back down! Don't stop! If you back down you're just letting him walk all over you!" I guess neither is healthy. You're right, it is a definite personality issue. And other things he's said and other details he's revealed about his past showed a lack of moralistic personality. Just because he met someone that has made him want to change, doesn't mean he will because that lack of morale and character is still a part of him This could be the case. You know what, that situation is really, really familiar. The whole, 'being really sorry and then wanting to move on' and never really 'getting it.' And only 'exercising better judgment once he'd already screwed it up.' ALSO, my man ALSO thinks things only happen to him. He's always saying "why does stuff always happen to meeee..." and blah blah. He doesn't seem to get that HE puts himself into these situations with the actions that HE chooses. He also makes it seem as if he has no direction or power of his own, and also never takes responsibility for things it seems. And I also sometimes suspect he is 'parroting back to me what I want to hear'. It's so similar that it's scary. Was it his repeated mistakes and lack of challenging conversations that made the relationship fail, or was it something else? If you don't mind me being nosy. Did his repeated mistakes have anything to do with other females? What sort of dumb mistakes were they? I ask because your ex sounds so similar to my guy now. Just trying to get some perspective. Nope. I can honestly say "I don't know..." And I know that's not a good thing.

I know, you're absolutely right. I accept my responsibility in her continued involvement. I feel like I somewhat repented by apologizing to her and being genuinely nice to her but I know that's not sufficient enough. I can say now that no, she has no contact with my boyfriend and will never have contact with him ever, again. I can't say that we won't ride by and see her outside at the neighbor's house or walking down the road but other than that, we won't have contact with her. And we definitely won't slow down to talk to her, or anything. The most I would do is wave politely... but if my boyfriend does, I will rip his hands off hehe... At the time when all of this went on, I wasn't thinking straight, I admit. And the thought didn't occur to me that I should have had the police handle it. The girl herself did say she did not feel victimized- she clearly is one of those sorts who enjoys such attention and thought she could use such attention from him to score free cigarettes and such from him. She said as much. But that sort of behavior will get her in trouble with other men who will definitely take advantage of her, I know. So I should have done something regardless. I feel bad about it. She is still a kid with a developing brain like you said, and yes, should have been protected. I can't really do anything about it now, though. She herself didn't want the police called in and didn't feel it was necessary. I know- I'm the adult, should have made the decision, but I didn't. It was a mistake but everyone makes them. What do you think I should do now?

Thank you, I try. I try to see things from other people's perspectives. For example, it does slightly offend me that BrokenWingedFaery thinks my man is a paedophile and is going to molest his own daughter. I know that is not true. BUT, I can completely see things from her point of view. If I were an outsider looking in on this situation, I'd probably be worried about such things myself and possibly would even warn the poster. This also applies to how I'm trying (though it's hard) to see thing from my man's point of view, as far as what happened. Still, at the same time shady details and constant lying make it hard to really *KNOW* what actually happened. Could a shocking event, though, be getting caught and seeing one's partner's reaction to what you did? And the possibility of loss? The possibility of me retaliating in similar ways? The possibility of me finding someone 'better' (as he fears)? I do see your point however. And I know I know there is a difference between promising one will stop with their bad behavior and actually doing so. As was the case with your ex boyfriend. That's the thing though. I won't know whether my man is being honest when he says he will never behave like that again if I leave. You found out with yours that he was not being honest. You said he promised 'many times'- that means you did chance it. And though you found out he would never change, you still took a chance. You still treated him like a human being with compassion and gave him another chance, is my point. Though ultimately you discovered he never would change during the course of the relationship, at least you learned from that very unfortunate situation. And it's likely made you a stronger person today. I understand that. But maybe getting caught and the threat of losing me is enough incentive in this case. I won't know until I chance it. You're right when you say I've lost my respect for him. While I've not lost ALL respect, I've lost a great percentage of it. Especially since he in the beginning was telling me about how he's been cheated on and would never want to do that to anyone else, and I should just trust him, and so on and so on. Plus, the way he'd insult my friend for being 20 and dating a 17 year old (something I don't condone just for the record) and call her a pedophile, when it turns out all along he's been known for dating some girls younger than that! Plus the fact that he says he thought that 14 year old was 18 or 19... well still- you're 25 going on 26- why would you want a teenager anyway? Even if they *are* legal. ....that said, what's the difference then, between a 17 year old and an 18 year old? The fact that 18 is legal and 17 is not? Would he then date a 17 year old if it was 'legal'? Is it only legalities that stop him from dating girls so young? Hmm, food for thought, for moi. But yes I'm rambling again. But I guess yes, I will discover this all on my own, and I'm sure not a one of you will be surprised if some months later I'm posting more horrible occurrences on this board. But at least I will have learned.. and I guess that's the thing here. I'm not psychic, I cannot predict what will happen, I'm going against most people's better judgment... but I am young. If something happens, there will be someone else one day. And at least I will have learned a little something, about what not to do and what to do in relationships. And I think we can't be shielded from everything, we must make mistakes to learn. I guess I will be posting updates, good or bad, in the future. And you all can post "I told you so!" should something bad happen again. I won't blame anyone or be angry. I do realize and understand the risk I'm taking. I am fully aware that I could be making a horrible mistake. In the meantime, Thank you for your support. It's a good thing to have, especially since some seem rather condemning. (again, understandable, I don't blame anyone.)

Where I live, girls are usually married and have a baby/babies by now. Heh. The neighbor girl is 18 with two kids... unmarried though. But yeah, point taken. I really can't say he is mature enough for marriage. I always said I would marry later in life... like in my late 20's early 30's..

That's not true that I'm willing to put aside of all those things, how do you figure? Nothing rude, but I'm definitely not putting those things aside. They're in my mind all the time, I analyze such things and stress myself about it. Yes, I concede to your other points. The matter of the weak character is indeed a large one. I'm not denying that. Do you think though, that although he said horrible things to impress a friend, that a person can learn from such mistake, and change? And begin to work on building a stronger character? Can it not be restored? (Opinions please.) Yes he risked a 'potential' good thing as you put it. Would he risk it now...? All these months later? Again, opinions. I would like it if people would post their experiences with lame duck types. What exactly does lame duck mean, or it the same exact thing as weak character? Would you mind posting your own experience more in depth? Would be curious to hear it. I don't doubt that he is not a child molestor. Since he said, once he found out she was 14 he was disgusted and made every effort to keep her away. But, I also do doubt that he would have done things with her had she been of a legal age, or if she had said yes, would he have done so anyway assuming that she was legal, and I also doubt he will not continue lying. Because of what happened, I am paranoid. No I don't want to look back and regret years wasted. No one does, but no one ever really knows whether that will be a reality or not. Even if there are no red flags before you marry someone, you never know whether you're making a mistake with them or not.. I can't honestly say I know for a fact he will man up and make a good husband, but I can say I honestly know he could be a good father no matter what.

I'm 20 going on 21, he's 25 going on 26.

Acknowledged. DO you think it is possible for people to change and make mistakes and get second chances? Curious.

I don't know why I'm hanging out with such people. Actually, I never hung out with those neighbors or anything, I usually, before this situation, didn't even talk or associate with them at all. But I fail to see why you say I continued to expose her to the situation when she WANTED to talk to me as well. I wasn't the one harassing her and kept telling her to come back to the house for more talks. You're right, the police should have been called. I don't know what else to say- it seems people blame me for what happened to the girl. The situation could have been dealt with better for sure. No doubt.

When he found out she was 14, he was disgusted. Which no, does not make it right at all. But, at least that says he's not a child molestor. Yes, he did harass her, age or not. So true. I would agree with your latter comments too if I was an outsider on this situation, and you still may be right.

Finewhine, Yes it's true I'm young, and don't claim to actually know what I'm doing. Some days I'm sure I'm doing the right thing by staying (assuming the theory that people with less-than-desirable character traits can change is true), but then other times I start thinking about what happened again, and I'm sure I'm making a serious mistake. I'm having severe trouble making up my mind. If he treated me like a (expletive), then I'd definitely be leaning towards "Yes, I am making a horrible, horrible mistake." But he doesn't. That's a fact no one is taking into consideration. I can understand that, though. If I were an outsider looking in, reading about this problem, I'd post, "leave! Leave now!" But no one can ever really know, just based upon strong opinions. But let me describe why some days, even though I'm still pissed as hell about what happened, I'm convinced I'm doing the right thing by staying. Just so everyone can get a perspective from my point of view, being in the actual situation myself, and actually knowing the guy I describe. Even if we have a disagreement, he's never stooped to calling me names. He's never raised a hand to me, or at me. And I've been there before with other men, not boyfriends in particular but my father. So I know the signs of that sort of loser. He is not one of those. He is ALWAYS thinking of ways to do things for me, always thinking of new ways we can have fun and spend time together, always trying his damndest to make sure I'm happy. Honestly. I'm not saying that to convince everyone he is a wonderful upstanding guy. I'm just stating the facts. We have fun, we laugh together all the time because we seem to share a similar sense of humor that not everyone can appreciate or 'get'. He would get me anything I wanted if I asked. He pretty much caters to me. He talks about me to other people all the time- and it's always positive things. I have heard from people about the things he will say. It's a nice change from all the two-faced people who reside in this county. He wants to be around me all the time. He doesn't go out with his friends to strip clubs, bars, or even simple outing with friends. If he is invited anywhere he makes sure I go too. He doesn't want to GO if I don't. When he's off work, he comes home to ME. A really important thing: (Really, really important to me because I've got severe issues with parents that treat their kids like crap, being that mine certainly did): He treats his daughter like GOLD, no, PLATINUM. She is a good girl and she will grow up happily because of him and his side of the family. Her mother has barely anything to do with her, is a drug addict and was abusive, and has a lot of psychotic sorts of problems. But my man treats the little girl like a princess and you can see the mutual love and adoration between them. Yes, he may have a weak character as far as being led very easily, but a part of his character does show some heart, because of the way he treats me and his daughter. And it is genuine, you should see how proudly he shows off pictures of his little girl to people. He's dropped the pretense of being this 'bad@ss' he's tried to be in the past. He doesn't care who is around, he sits there and tells people he loves me and other assorted things - like he doesn't care anymore what people think. Like he'd rather be in a real relationship with mutual caring and respect than playing the field and being a player. Most importantly, he is making an effort to show he has changed, and wants to change. He has repeatedly said and shown his guilt for what happened. He has asserted that he is no longer worried about what people think and especially people like that guy Tim, who he realizes are no good anyway. He doesn't even want to be around people like that anymore. He wants nothing to do with him. He has cried and talked to other people about this situation, admitted to others what happened, and asked them how he could make things better. I do think he feels remorse and not just because he was caught. BUT, however I do realize a person CAN feel remorse, guilt, and even WANT to do right, but still revert to their old ways. But I think all of his old ways were brought on by low self esteem as a result of childhood trauma and so on, and a lot of the bad@ss act was to make himself feel better. But I think he realizes now that it's not worth it, and people will like and appreciate the REAL him better than that other version. It is a matter of how long this will moment will last. Months? Years, even? Forever? I'm not exactly naive, I don't blindly believe that just because he's sorry and feels guilty and is in love with me that he can't do such a thing again. I'm well aware it can happen. But does it make me a stupid person to chance it? Youth or no youth? I don't know. Like I have said, people CAN do horrible things, things they know are wrong, things they feel guilty for doing, and things they will never do again. He KNOWS it was wrong, he knew it was wrong doing it. The girl even said herself he stopped... He also now knows the consequences or possible consequences of doing such things. He also knows I will still continue to bring it up and he knows I don't forget, and find it hard to even forgive. He ALSO knows I'm a two-chance type of girl. My ex did me wrong once- shame on him. Shame on you the second time you let it go. The second time I LEFT, no shame on my part. And I never went back. So he knows that is a real and true reality. I don't play. But yes I did kind of go off there- back to answering the original post- I would like to take on grad school. I would like to do something cool. I want to do a lot of things, haven't really narrowed it down yet. I know I don't really owe it to him to wade through his issues and help him resolve them. However I feel no one really ever let it be known to him that he could seriously benefit from some therapy. According to him I'm the first person he's opened up to about a lot of issues, so if that's true, then he is finally getting a chance to be able to resolve them. Everyone deserves second chances to start fresh and be a better person, no matter how late in life. But honestly, do you really think I'm being stupid??? Do you, at all, in any way, think that sometimes people CAN make horribly stupid mistakes that they regret terribly and can change??? Or do you feel I'm being manipulated? Describe dead-end relationship if you would. You don't have to but I'm curious to see certain parallels between your relationship and mine. It kind of helps me work out what I'm doing exactly by hearing other people's experiences.

Yeah, what BellaDonna said. Honestly, that sounds like a really good assessment to your problem. I think she's got it right. It's just hard to figure out but she did a very good job. I agree wholeheartedly.

I understand completely. I also analyze things a lot so I can understand where you are coming from. I wish I could offer more advice or a more extended opinion but honestly I don't know why the lady behaved the way she did. Maybe she is one of those sorts who puts aside her own needs for others, and finally one day she decided she wanted something else. That is not to say it is your fault at all! It's just, I've known people in my life who have been like that. And they keep their needs and wants and etc bottled up until they burst. Maybe her mentally abusive ex keep returning to haunt her mentally, and she feared voicing her needs and wants to avoid experiencing such things again. You sound like a very good guy- I think she probably just has many issues she needs to take time to work out and she probably needs time to analyze things as well. So I hope you find your closure soon and prosper. I just read your reply to melrich and it said her sister said you are not the first, you are a victim of her past. That's pretty much what I was getting at in my post. If she won't respond to your calls/letters then maybe the sister is the answer. Maybe you could talk more in depth with her to find your answers and closure. Good luck!

Well... why is it that you go soft??? Just need more clarification.

........I could be wrong. He may be cheating. OR, he just hates the way condoms feel. I had this one boyfriend who hated, hated HAAAAATED condoms and refused to wear them and would rather do other things if he had to wear a dreaded condom. Some men find it hard to ejaculate if they have to wear a condom, or so I've read. Nah really - sounds like he's one of those types that hate condoms. I think most men don't really like them, but can tolerate them. But some abhor them. Sounds like he is one of the latter.

.....Sounds like he has an STD and doesn't want you to know.

Also I agree with the other peoples. He's controlling. It seems it's his way or no way. I wouldn't be letting no man tell me "CONVERSATION OVER!" Uh uh. That's rude and disrespectful. Obviously if you feel the need to continue the conversation that means the issue, at least in your mind, is not resolved. If he cared then he would not abruptly end the conversation. He would make an effort to resolve it. Dump hiiiiiiiiim.

Simple. Dump him.

But hopefully you will be able to move on and find someone better.

This won't be helpful, at all. But, maybe the truth is in what she said- she didn't feel you two had anything in common anymore. Maybe you never really did. At the beginning of relationships, the sparks and romance and etc can overpower the fact that the couple doesn't actually have anything in common. Of course, you could keep on analyzing 'why' in your mind or move on and find someone who does suit your needs. Someone who responds and talks to you openly in the manner you prefer.

Whaaaaaaaaaat? Are you serious? SEX PARTIES? Uh uhhhhhhh. The point of relationships is to be exclusive. So why does he feel your relationship would benefit from attending sex parties?