pregnantkitty_1985

Starting to think I'm with someone who's 70% loser, 30% good guy. Even though he constantly gets caught in lies about some shady shizznit, he always rationalizes the hell out of it until he's seemingly convinced himself that his take on 'reality' is what's correct. Also doesn't seem to have much of a conscience, but will fake one to look 'good' in front of me. Or rather, keep me around, for ulterior motives I've not yet discovered. Clearly still has feelings for his wife that he buries and tries to cover with nasty & negative rants about her. Yet if I say something, sometimes he'll agree but other times he'll get subtly defensive of her... strange. Guess the bond you have with a person you have a child with is there for life, no matter how abusive said person was to said child.. Also claims to be so against cheating and etc etc, but um, tried it on me in the beginning. When we had already established a relationship. Only thing that stopped him from committing the act was that he found out the girl was only FOURTEEN years old, instead of 18 like she looks. Though if you'd ask anyone around here, she could pass for maybe 16/17 but not 18... and if he was so against messing with young girls, he wouldn't have been trying to get with a ton of SIXTEEN year old girls at the local grocery store last year when he was 24. It's all pretty sick to me, and yes yes, obviously is SCREAMING of red flags. Yes people, I know, I know. He's been a good boy ever since he actually fell in "real love" with me (or so he claims, or so he thinks.. he could be lying about THAT too, and either just thinks that he does, or feels strongly and figures by claiming to be in love he can keep me around..), heh, or as far as I know. I'm pretty sure he HAS been a good boy, he comes home from work straight to me and calls me from work everyday, and never does anything apart from me. The problem is he is controlling and doesn't want me, (hell, doesn't LET me) go out with my friends by myself and doesn't let me talk on the phone in private, and will flip out psychotically over the most insane of things. It's almost everyday now that something gets broken... I fear for my kitties. It's like, for example, say I want to get on the internet, browse this website, browse this freesample website, and download music and stuff... nothing big. Rather than watch television with him (when I've been around him all day..., or for hours after he gets off work and comes home..).. he'll start going into a RAGE, has pulled out phone cords and threw the computer tower accross the room so many times, and has broke so much other stuff.. busted the bedroom window the other day, broke the nightside table and the living room coffee table, and chairs, and ashtrays and halloween knicknacks and other miscellaneous stuff.. and it's all over the most insane of things. I just don't see this working out, I am frustrated as hell. We can fun like all-get-out sometimes... and he takes me to dinner everyweek, and doesn't want to take me to crappy little cheap places, and he also likes to buy me stuff even though I tell him not to. He also lets me stay in his house, and pays all the bills. BUT, the bad stuff far outweighs the good stuff. I don't know how to go about ending things. I don't want to, but at the same time it's obvious he won't change. Unless anyone has suggestions on how to get him to change?? Maybe I lay down an ultimatum; like "Dude, get some counselling! Anger management! Possibly medications! Sommmmmmmmething!"

Good luck.

Um, so you would find it cute if you found your man walking around with a huge boner caused by another woman? Not I. You must either have an incredibly high amount of self esteem or really just don't care. I guess men will be men and I wish stuff like that would not bother me, but it does. And I know the same applies to the men; a lot of them don't appreciate when we notice other men.

He doesn't gawk, and it rarely happens. Because he does have respect, for the most part, and doesn't want any other woman. According to him anyway, heh. But I've noticed some covert 'subtle' glances, which are not appreciated. And he accuses me of looking at guys when I'M NOT EVEN LOOKING. He gets hurt and angry and feels insecure. So if I can't look at guys (and I don't want to) then he shouldn't even be subtly trying to look just because some chick walked by in short-shorts or has her titties hanging out. The point is that it's DISRESPECTFUL. Your idea of a 'mature relationship' is to freely look at others and disregard the feelings of your significant other. So be it. That sounds like high school stuff to me, if we must bring in the idea of immaturity..

If it's not an intimacy issue, maybe it's a time issue like you suggested. Having sex usually takes more time, foreplay for both, and then the act itself, and maybe she's tired and stressed and just wants a quick release where she doesn't have to accommodate another. And dude you're not sexually obsessed. You're normal. My man is 5 years older than you and has hormones just as raging. It's not wrong; you're just concerned as to why she'd rather masturbate to pictures then have sex with you. And rightfully so. When you question her tonight, try to not make it so sex-centered (because then she'll just keep accusing you of being sex obsessed.) Try to point out why you enjoy sex with her so much, stuff like, "it makes me feel closer to you and I love you..." and "it's not that I'm sex obsessed, it's that I love you and I feel hurt and insecure when you'd rather look at pictures than be with me.." or whatever reasons you have then just busting a nut. And obviously it's not just that to you, or you'd masturbate. So I know you've got some good reasons to support your 'argument' when you talk to her tonight. I hope you post back here and let us know if things have been resolved.

I understand what you mean, I agree with you. Sex can be fun, I'd rather have sex than masturbate and I'm a female. Like I said, I think she's addicted. Plus looking at pictures and masturbating is so detached, it seems like it's easier for her to do that than be intimate with a live human being; usually there's a lot of emotions tied up in that. Perhaps she has a fear of intimacy? Or is there problems outside of the bedroom you two are having? Do you argue a lot? Does she doubt your loyalty/faithfulness/commitment/etc?

Still, the medication isn't an excuse. Clearly she's got some sort of sexual urge because um, hello, she's masturbating. There seems to be some sort of other problem going on, whether it's fetish addiction, or problems in their relationship, who knows.

Hmm, well, just do the same as she does, man. Masturbate. If it's okay for her to look at pictures then I assume it will be for you too? Maybe once she realizes you're taking um, matters into your own hands, then she'll change her mind about going at it solo?

Urgh, that's sickening. Two sisters in a threesome? Blurrrrrrrgrh. Hmm, you know, for your girlfriend OP, this is obviously very potentially devastating. It's her sister; in my mind, that would make it TEN TIMES WORSE than if it was another girl. Think of the sibling rivalry dynamics. This is worse than a fire, this is an atomic bomb. I think you need to leave them BOTH alone, the younger sister will be heartbroken, the older sister is a treacherous unmoralistic person anyway. THAT'S what you want to be with? Heh. Good luck then buddy...

Heeeh... Amused here. But good advice, above posters.

Heeh, that's really weird. But, whatever floats her boat I guess. I just can't comprehend how one would forgo sex with a real live person for pictures of .... bellybuttons??? Oh well, different people, different tastes. *shrug* It's odd that she's not "in the mood" yet is in the mood for masturbating to pictures of bellybuttons. It sounds rather like an addiction to me. It seems like she's addicted to this fetish she has, and it's taking up so much space in her mind that she's got no room for the real thing.

[sARCASM]Heeeeeeeeeh, you really are just adorable!!!!![/sARCASM] Really though, all of your tacky generalizations aside; if you don't believe in marriage, and don't wish to be married, then don't. And no one here should be trying to convince him that it's the right thing to do. Many people (men and women) don't believe in marriage, or don't feel they need a "piece of paper" as he put it to prove their committment. It really does make sense. Plus, I can also see why he's worried about his financial assets, it's really a matter of practicality. My fiancee is going through a divorce now, and his estranged wife keeps putting off signing the final papers, filing for time extensions, clearly trying to get him for everything he's got (And he doesn't have much of anything!!!) That's why a pre-nup can be an excellent idea, based on the reality that over half of marriages do end. It's really determined by the couple; what's right for them. In a way, it's a mature and practical outlook on reality that the Original Poster has; instead of an idealized fantasy. I believe in marriage; I would like to be married one day and happy and not have to worry about division of properties and all of that stuff. But it's reality. If the Original Poster doesn't want to get married, or requires a prenup before he does so, then that's his prerogative. And Original Poster, if you and your girlfriend can't come to an agreement, well then, I guess you're either resigned to these two things. A) Continue on the relationship as committed one, without a piece of paper to prove it or B) End things with her (or never get her back), and find someone who has matching views to you. Just try to chill with those outrageous generalizations and slight sexism (I can feel it underlying your words); you can see it's not the best way to get uncritical supportive advice. If you behave like that in real life, it makes me wonder if that's why she wants a marriage so badly, because she doesn't feel that you really are committed?

Umm... what is it that she's looking at, exactly, if it's not porn and not nudity?? Just curious. Hmm, I've never heard of a problem like this before, dealing with a female, anyway. I've heard so many threads up here with the same problem concerning men, though. A man could masturbate and then just not have the urge for sex anymore. Maybe it's the same with her? Or maybe she doesn't feel like having to putting a lot of time and effort into sex with you? That suggests a problem though. Have you been fighting a lot lately?

Good theory; I did not really think of it like that. It's an interesting take on things. Same here.

Hell yeah girl, I would have said the same thing. I would have been HIGHLY offended and would have promptly kicked his @ss. This is what I do when I notice my man has noticed another chick, even if he thinks he's being subtle and not obvious in the least. (heeeeh!) I'll point out some guy, doesn't matter if I really think he's attractive or not. Any guy will do. I'll check him out and make it obvious. Just to let it be known, 'dude I saw you looking, I hope you like how it feels!' Because he can't stand it if he even THINKS I'm checking out another guy. I've been accused of looking at guys on television when I could care less. One penis is enough for me.

I must disagree with you- I think it reeks of committment. As in, be committed to the one you wanted to be with. If one wants all of those others they purportedly 'fantasize' about, then go after them instead. That's how I view things. Fine, if my man wants to go fantasize about others and take a good look and so on. But, go chase after them and leave me alone if that's how he wants to be. Because it's disrespectful, and it defeats the purpose of committment. If you want your boyfriend to check out other women, so be it. That's on you, but I know many would consider something wrong with that. Either you've resigned yourself to the fact that supposedly "men will be men" and always want to be with other women besides just you, or you've got really, really high self confidence. Which I suppose could be a good thing, if that's what works for you. It just doesn't work so well for others; it doesn't mean we're insecure.

Jesus christ, I'm appalled as hell! You are incredibly unmoralistic. Why does this not bother you? How would you feel if the roles were reversed? Why do you think it's okay to cheat on someone you're supposed to be with? If you want some "strange" so badly, then why didn't you just dump the poor girl ahead of time before you sunk to that level? I mean really. Do people have no shame??? My advice to you is to take a good, hard look at yourself, and question why you feel this isn't wrong. And let your girl know, so she can dump you and find a much better man.

Heeeeeeeeh, I nearly spit out my coffee. Well said! And Original Poster Dude, ooooooh, I hope your girlfriend is cheating on you as well, because AngelEyez is right, you are a... (I'll leave that to your imagination.) And, I'll bet this guy's a million times better than you. Why? Because your girl deserves so much more than what someone as immature and immoral as you could EVER offer. I hope she wises up and NEVER marries you. Do you not see how wrong this is? You don't seem to feel even the least bit bad; as evidenced by what you said, you planned for this to happen. Maybe you didn't plan to have feelings for this other girl, but you definitely planned to have sexual relations with other girls. Again, do you not see how wrong this is???

Honestly, I think his many 'infatuations' stem from the fact that his wife cheated on him, and he's subconsciously retaliating. From what I percieved through reading his post, I think he's rather on the passive-aggressive side, and this is his way of retribution. I think he's not completely aware of this, hence why he feels that he's truly in "love" with this other woman. It may pass, and he will realize in time that like the others, it was merely an infatuation. Still, if it's something meaningful, maybe that's why he's referring to it as "love" rather than an 'infatuation' as he chose to name the others. But, I don't think the other women are really even the issue; the issue lies in between he and his wife. Which is why counselling or even a seperation may be in order.

Soren, at first I was ready to rant at you, just a bit. The fact is, you're emotionally cheating. Also, I find it quite hard to believe that Sarah and Caroline are not aware of this 'love' that you feel. She's not concerned that you're spending so much time with another woman? And Caroline, she's not questioning why you spend so much time with her rather than your wife? She can't tell by the look in your eyes how you feel towards her? I find this very hard to believe. If you really in love with someone, that's something that's quite hard to hide. It shines through regardless. At least, this is what I believe. But, I just read the post you made about your wife cheating on you physically for the first 6 years of the marriage (and with multiple partners!) This says a lot to me. One, by her actions, you started to feel that something was missing in her character, something you yourself couldn't understand as you said you would never physically cheat. (And that's a redeeming quality in you, I feel. Thank god.) Two, you started to feel as if she didn't love you in the way she claimed to when she married you. You have not directly said this, and perhaps you don't even realize it. But the fact is, you're looking for love in other women; why? Think. Take a moment and think. I think this started when you discovered your wife's infidelity; am I right? I think the emotional 'affairs' stem from not feeling loved by the woman you still seem to love in your own way. You resent her, but perhaps you don't fully realize it. You said you're looking for aspects in other women that your wife cannot fulfill. Well, go figure. Cheating on you shows an incredible lack of character. No wonder you're searching for better aspects of a significant other in other women. This doesn't excuse the fact that you're having an emotional affair with another woman; but the fact is, you're not physically cheating. Also, you expressed that you would never do such a thing. You CAN choose whether you physically committ an act or not. You can't choose who you love; or rather, you can't stop yourself from feeling what you feel. I think it's your wife's betrayal that brought this on; you're looking for someone who will love you unconditionally and who will not compromise that love by cheating. I'll wager a bet that this teacher chick has the same sort of views on cheating; as in, she would never do such a thing as it shows such immorality. Am I correct? It's clear you're looking to her for something your wife lacks. I don't know what sort of advice to give you however; if I was your wife, to be quite honest I'd find this incredibly painful. But she did choose to do what she did, and that makes me wonder why did you choose to stay with her? And what sort of excuses did she have to betray you as she did? That all said, if I was you, I'd be suffering some severe mental conflicts. That had to be horribly painful to you. I'd suggest therapy; couples counselling maybe? That is, if you're planning on making your relationship with your wife work without you resorting to * * * for tat, i.e., cheating on her as she did with you. You're clearly intelligent, you know that two wrongs don't make a right. OR, (and I fully realize this may not be the popular opinion on this site), but maybe you need to end things with your wife. She's been unfaithful to you, she's broken your wedding vows. As a result, you're clearly emotionally suffering. You look for love and better qualities in other women because in the back of your mind, you're resentful about what happened, your ego is suffering, subconsciously you feel the need to retaliate even passively, and you KNOW you deserve someone better. If you're truly in love with this other women, then you seriously need to end things with your wife. Don't get any deeper and end up cheating yourself. Also if you did end things with your wife, don't be so quick to jump into something with the other woman.. you don't even know how she feels in return. You don't even know if what you feel is real, or in fact a passive-aggressive attempt at retaliation. That's why the bigger issue is not this other woman, (as evident by the fact that there was other women), but the fact that you feel the need to look for certain things in other people. The issue is your wife. All of this ... other stuff.... isn't the big picture. It's what transpired between you and your wife and why. Normally I would never advise a person to end things with their wife. In fact if she hadn't of cheated on you, I'd be like, "shame on you." But the fact that she did cheat changes things greatly.

Um; why is it that you enjoy it more than vaginal? Do other men feel the same, after they've been allowed to have anal sex? That's what I've heard from some male friends before.

Note: This is not to say that I feel if you're in a relationship all others should be considered ugly to you. This means that, even if another is beautiful, (or handsome, say roles are reversed) ... we wouldn't care. It wouldn't matter. Yes they may be beautiful, but so what. We wouldn't look. We wouldn't care. It would be nothing to us. We'd feel nothing, we wouldn't be fantasizing. Simply because it wouldn't matter! It's just really annoying when men have all of these excuses (and women have excuses for men) about, "oh, it's natural. All men do it. It's genetic, they can't help it. They have urges." Excuses, excuses. You CAN help it. You shouldn't HAVE urges for other people when you're committed. Yes, all you can all see, I'm very much for monogamy. And think despite opinions that mongamy is impossible and we all have basic 'urges' that make monogamy hard, that it's very much possible and shouldn't even be an issue, nor something that's so 'hard' to do. If it is so hard, and you feel the need to look and fantasize and even sleep with others, then well, monogamy is clearly not you, and you shouldn't embark on a monogamous relationship.

A guy shouldn't have to fantasize when he's with you. That's not to say we think we should be on a pedestal and we're the best looking thing in the world, and should be considered as much to our man. But better looking girls shouldn't even matter. And *shock gasp horror* ... maybe even a Plain Jane might be considered the most beautiful, best looking thing to their man, the person they're with... Yes, even in the face of such beauties like Jessica Simpson or say, all the models on the Victoria's Secret commercials. A man wouldn't HAVE to admire other beauty when he's with the one he finds most beautiful in the world. The one he cares about, not just a pair of breasts and legs. Besides, who's to say what's better looking? No one is, if you think about it (Example, I could suggest that model Petra Nemcova is the most beautiful woman in the world but someone else will always think differently.) But if they're truly into you, a glance won't be deliberate, and they certainly won't be fantasizing about other people. That suggests a problem to me. And it suggests that some people have the wrong idea about commitment when they feel it's okay to deliberately check out other people and fantasize about them as well.

And again, like I'm saying, there is a difference between a reflexive glance (and that means anyone could be walking by, whether it be your mother or male friend or hideous acquaintance or even some random) and then a glance; a deliberate glance because an attractive girl is walking by. Yes, it's one thing if, someone's walking by in your peripheral vision and you turn to look reflexively, and it just happens to be a hot girl. But it's one thing to see a hot girl and turn to look, or even subtly try to look. Why would you need to? I can definitely understand singles doing this, but not those in a relationship. Unless of course, the person you're with doesn't mind you doing that, and in that case, look away.

Just out of curiosity (purely curiosity, I'm not challenging your opinion), what IS going through the typical male's minds when a "hot moviestar" or etc comes onto the screen? I assume you know as you said that ALL men check out other women? I think for the most part, you're probably right. However, I think there's a small percentage who will try their damndest not to, knowing it's disrespectful (well said, Batya and AntiLove Superstar), and knowing it will upset their girlfriends/wives/fiancees. And really, such a thing really shouldn't be that hard. Or is it? It's certainly not hard for me to be respectful and not look at other guys as they go by. Yes, it's one thing to reflexively glance as a person walks by, be it male or female. That's not checking them out out of interest because of their aesthetic qualities. It's merely reflexive as something catches your eye (and no, I'm not talking about something catching your eye because of a six pack, or huge breasts, or long legs and * * * encased in short shorts. I'm not talking about 'looking' just to look because it's pretty and shiny and there.) I think it IS possible to ignore such people who have aesthetic qualities if you are truly into the one you're with. Because when you're very much about who you're with, other people don't matter. And thus, it shouldn't be hard not to look or even covertly, or subtly glance because of a hot chick walking by. Because why would it matter? I mean really. It's sad that men in relationships have to be "discreet" or "subtle" about it... That suggests they've got nothing else better to do than "secretively" scan the room, or area, for any chick that looks halfway decent! And then according to some, fantasize about who they've seen. I mean, come on. What's the sense in that? It IS disrespectful, subtle glance or not. There should be no need for even subtleness; if they're with someone, what would be the point in even a glance? Is it really that much of a driven urge in you men? You're a male, so tell me what it is. Or, your opinions, from your point of view, anyway. Plus explain that 'fantasize' stuff to me, or whatever it was. Not even sure if you're the one who said it but, whoever said it suggested that ALL MEN fantasize about other women, even if it's briefly. Is that really so? If that's the case, shouldn't I then be keeping my man locked inside of the house, for fear of him fantasizing about my sister, friends, other women/girls we associate with, or random women on the street? Walking by in the grocery store? Movie stars, etc? Why the need to fantasize, when all of your needs can be met with the partner you chose to be with? Why then even bother being with a person if you've got all of these 'urges' to look and then fantasize?