Jane_Beard

This is a tough one for us. We've talked about contingency plans from the beginning. We both agree that it is not time for us to be parents, it would not be fair to any child, but we also see that it would be terribly difficult and heartbreaking if a "mistake" happened. I'm sure the decision to have an abortion is never easy, and we care so deeply for each other that the thought of destroying our unborn child is even more reprehensible. What would we do if the unexpected happened? Panic. We'd cry, talk to each other, and somehow we would have to make a choice. Perhaps he wants to make sure the choice is mine by not encouraging me in any way? I don't know. The reasons he gave against the pill were, that the pill would be expensive--my health insurance does not cover birth control, which is a huge failing of the healthcare industry IMHO--and that it wasn't worth the side effects. The thing that stumps me is, although I did tell him about some unpleasant side effects while taking the pill years ago, I never told him in detail about my experience. I had some problems with mood swings, anxiety, panic attacks, and weight gain while taking birth control. I mentioned only the "moody and fat" possibility when we first talked about birth control, and I suggested I try a different formula this time. Maybe he just doesn't want a fat girlfriend, but I don't think he's that shallow. I keep feeling like there is more to this.

I don't know if I can ask him and get an honest answer. See, I think we're headed for a future of less sex when, if anything, I want more. I'm starting to think he just doesn't want to have intercourse. The question is: is he afraid of getting me pregnant, afraid of intimacy, or something else...

Over a year now. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here, but I keep having these nagging fears that he's maybe not as into me as I am him.

No, definitely not. We had exams when we met. Plus, I don't think he's been with many girls (not that that means anything).

So, about two months ago my boyfriend and I just stopped having intercourse. Usually he's the one who whips out the condom and suits up when it's time. Suddenly he's stopped doing that, even when I ask him to. I went for the condom once, and he went along with it and didn't say anything, but he seemed annoyed. The other day I asked him if everything was okay, and if he still found that enjoyable. He said of course he enjoyed it. Why had we stopped then? He was concerned that the condoms might not be effective-I'm not on the pill-and that I might get pregnant. That sounds reasonable, but when I offered to go on the pill he was totally against it! He went out of his way to talk me out of taking birth control, talking about all the negative aspects. I stopped taking the pill, before we met, due to emotional side-effects. But I think I could deal with those better than the emotional effects of my boyfriend not wanting to have intercourse with me! Does he not want to have that kind of intimacy, or simply not enjoy penetration?

I'm not seeking out gay men, at least I don't think so. I'm attracted to smart, sensitive, and creative guys. I have dated some guys before who turned out to be gay, and this might be giving me a complex. TheRedQueen asked if I'd "ever been with a really straight guy", and it's hard to answer that. Can heterosexuality come in degrees? I've never been with a tough, hetero guy (I almost used the word macho here, but thought better of it). I feel pretty confident that some of the men I've dated were exclusively into the ladies. The thing I'm dealing with in this relationship is that my boyfriend seems very aware of other men. He jokes about being perceived as gay, and says it makes him uncomfortable, but he still wants to hang out with a guy who once made a pass at him. There have been a couple of other incidents where guys have come onto him since we met, and the thing is he tells me about them. I just don't know what to think. Is he repressed? Yeah, a bit. I guess we both are, in our ways. I don't think I could ask him directly about his feelings towards men, not without hurting him. I think more than one girl has left him over this issue. It's possible that I'm just reading too much into this, that it has more to do with my past experiences than his behavior.

I don't think that's unusual. At first, I hated being on the receiving end of things. Yeah, it felt weird and maybe even boring to me. Giving though, that's another story! I enjoyed that from the beginning, it's still my favorite thing. It's taken a while to get comfortable receiving, but it's gotten much better. I certainly don't hate it anymore. I bet you'll feel the same way down the road, just give it time.

Hi there, I'm new to the forum. This seams like a board full of intelligent and enlightened people, just the place to ask about my difficult situation. I'm a straight women with, I think, good intuition. But I do not possess the sixth sense known as "gay-dar." I promise I am the last to know about others' sexual preferences. I've been the last girlfriend of a couple of guys. A while back I went out on several "dates" with a consultant from my office --he talked about his ex-roommate's amazing modern furniture collection, and I thought he meant in collage-- and I never imagined he might be gay. That is, until he introduced me to his new boyfriend a few months later. Right now I'm seeing someone who, apparently, registers on many people's gay-dar. He's stylish and soft spoken, he attends art openings, works out, and is admirably neat around his well-decorated home. He jokes about how he is straight, but is constantly hit on by guys. How others see him doesn't bother me, so long as I'm not getting in the way of his discovering a new way to see himself. He's always the first one to point out hot guys, or shirtless guys, or guys in tights. I've never had a boyfriend before who seemed so aware of these things, but that alone is not a problem for me. Other things might be, though. We've been spending a lot of time lately with another couple. I'm pretty sure the guy in that couple is bi. Again, I'm not good at spotting 'em, but he's very stylish and has a whole lot of rainbows around his house. Also, my boyfriend said the guy made a pass at him once. The four of us have been taking in musical theatre and going to wine tastings --not once, at any of these events, have I seen this guy and his "girlfriend" so much as hold hands-- and every time we're together it seams like this fellow is getting closer to making a move. If he isn't interested, I don't understand why my boyfriend isn't being more direct with this guy. Instead, he's planning the menu for our next dinner with them. Perhaps I'm reading too much into things, I don't know. I love this guy. We have a great relationship, both in and out of the bedroom. Maybe I shouldn't worry, but I wonder what is the right thing to do? I certainly don't want to keep my boyfriend from exploring things he needs to about himself. Nor do I want to push him down a road he wasn't meant to go. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.