joyce1412

hi there. my ex broke up with me just under two months ago, despite much resistance on my part. i'm pretty sure i still love him, and would love for us to reconcile. i see the chances of that happening now as rather slim, due to work constraints on his part (he travels constantly), but for the future i'm somewhat hopeful for certain reasons. i recently met up with an old childhood friend whom i once loved. there were sparks and we kissed, nothing serious. we now have a renewed bond, but there's naturally a lot of gray area, because we're hanging out like friends, but making out. he lives two hours away but is coming to stay with me this weekend, and i imagine there will be more of this going on. i mentioned to a friend of mine that he's coming and she really wants to meet him (she knows we hooked up), and asked me to bring him to a group outing this saturday. she is a good friend of mine, but also sorta friends with my ex, and is very close with some of his best friends/coworkers. there will also be people at this gathering who know my ex, though definitely not my ex himself. basically, my ex and i still run in the same circle. my question is, is this tacky to bring a new guy, my known "friend with benefits," to this gathering if there is a chance my ex could get wind of it? am i going to look like i'm trying to make him jealous? WILL that make him jealous? is this a bad idea if i hope for reconciliation? thoughts are hugely appreciated!

this wasn't exactly a "relationship," but i spent four years pining after one of my best friends. we liked each other on and off, even though he was very moody and kind of mean to me much of the time...we were both very immature. eventually we fell in love with each other. we hooked up and i thought our relationship was just going to take off--except that he had a girlfriend at the time. he told his girlfriend about the hookup and completely cut me off without even telling me why, just completely stopped speaking to me, changed his email address, refused any of my attempts to contact him. it was painful enough to be receiving this kind of treatment from someone i considered an extremely close friend, but it was even worse that i was totally in love with him. eight months after that disaster i met my most recent boyfriend, now unfortunately my ex. i fell head over heels in love with him, and i still love him. it was a much healthier, loving, and full relationship than any kind of relationship i would have had with my friend. when my friend called me up a couple months after i got together with this guy, i happily told him to f off, because i'd finally found someone who treated me wonderfully and lovingly. it's now more than 2 years after that intial "disaster" and i am now friends with the guy again. as a matter of fact, the first time we hung out (about two weeks ago!), we had such a good time he couldn't resist kissing me. while i still feel that we have a great connection--i have never stopped believing that i've never met a person more like me--i don't have the same romantic feelings. even after a rather bitter breakup with my ex, i still know that my feelings are/were stronger for my ex than they ever will be for my friend. so, i guess that story might help because it tells you that even though you may always feel connected to this person (if you remain in contact), she isn't the "be-all end-all" of women, and the connection you had/have doesn't mean you'll always be in love with her. even if you feel really close to this girl, think she's amazing, et cetera, your opinions about what "amazing" means will probably come to change, and the next woman you have a relationship with may blow you away in ways you can't even imagine right now. i know the latter was the case when i got to know my ex...he possessed qualities i didn't even know i always wanted. unfortunately my story with my ex did not have a "happy ending" (unless, of course, we were to get back together--my hope), but i do think it shows that you'll probably bounce back with someone new and be in even better shape than you can imagine, and love someone even more than you think you can love.

it definitely sounds like he's checking up on you, but for what reason you cannot know. i think he wants something from you--maybe to get back together, maybe friendship, maybe just someone to keep him from being lonely. but again, there's no way to really know right now. that's good that you told him to call you next week. then at least you can see if he's serious about wanting to see you and not just having a lonely night. if he remembers, calls, and still wants to hang out next week...at least you can know he's not being SUPER flaky. also, you're showing that you're not dropping everything you're doing just to hang out with him. good for you! best of luck!

the texting about "how your weekend was" is probably to make him feel like less of a jerk. by casually asking you how you are, he thinks he's being a good guy. after all, he's checking up on you, being friendly, right? [heavy sarcasm.] unfortunately, he's just confusing you. that message was for HIM, not you. he knows he's being an * * *. He said he wanted to marry me and that I would be good wife.. What kind of person says that and then leaves. what kind of person says that and leaves? my now ex-boyfriend, that's who. sadly, it seems a lot of people throw out the "i could marry you!" thing and don't really mean it. or they think they mean it, but simply change, or don't stick around because they're not ready.

I thought everything was great up until Memorial Day weekend, when I didn't hear from him. I tried calling or even texting and that's all the form of communication that I got from him was that. I had text him what are you doing and he said cooking out..and I had texted back oh where.. and then really all hell broke lose from there..asking me why I was asking, like I was checking up on him or something. I thought it was just a simple question, I really rarely never ask..but I was bored that day...not feeling good at home and thought I would text him...since he wasn't calling.. Note: we would talk to each other day at least twice or three times a day. But when I did finally talked to him on Memorial Day...he just had this attitude with me..and I said what is wrong..and bammmm. He just started whaling on me..how I thought his kids were out of control..and he said that he didn't make me happy...which was a complete lie. I loved those kids as if they would of been my own. i'm so sorry you're sad. a lot of times someone who wants to break up with his significant other will take something small and blow it WAY out of proportion, using it as a jumping-off point to break up because he's too scared to bring it up any other way. it also helps him justify what he wants. i know it happened to me, and i ended up feeling terrible because i felt like these little arguments had put him off and made him leave me. but it's just not that. unfortunately, he's probably been unhappy or having doubts for a while. there's nothing you could have done to remedy the situation, especially since he wasn't even willing to talk issues over with you before they bothered him enough to want to break up. it's too bad he can't tell you what's really wrong, but at this point he probably doesn't even know entirely. hang in there...!

thanks for all your responses. i know how you feel, Juha! i definitely understand that my ex is not the only person with whom i can have a special connection. i have had a special connection with other people in the past. but the dating can be a bitter experience because it makes me realize just how rare and lucky it was to stumble upon my ex a year and a half ago and have that special, extremely strong connection with him. it was honestly the "luckiest" experience of my life. i don't think the dating is something i'm going to stop myself from doing. it DID make me feel good getting asked out, and having that nice first date (before things got kind of ugly and depressing). whatever gets me out of the habit of only being attracted to my ex and thinking he's the only guy for me, i'm all for. even though i realize the time alone is for "healing," i can't help but feel like it gives my ex too much credit. why should i spend six months alone recuperating from the guy who dumped me flat on my * * *, in a breakup so devoid of feeling on his part? i think i'm going to keep dating--well, as much as i can, it helps to actually have people to date, haha--because i don't deserve to be put in time out.

Plus, when a woman "checks up" on you like she has been, it has been my experience that she is essentially being selfish and controlling, wanting to "have you" without actually "having you", a.k.a. "having her cake and eating it too". This is very common on this site... totally agreed with friscodj. she wants to mark her territory without actually putting out any effort/being in the relationship. i know i've done it with an ex...i wasn't even in love with him and was certain i didn't want to be with him either. still, knowing he was in love with ME was nice, and i kind of wanted to keep it that way. i even went so far as to track him down on new year's eve and make out with him. cruel? yep. manipulative? of course, i was 18! (you'd think maybe the age would explain it, but really, women are just mean sometimes, period.) so yeah, i don't think your ex has really given you anything to hope for with those emails. of course she misses you, that's just the way it goes. when she misses HAVING YOU AS HER BOYFRIEND and wants that BACK, thinking she has made a mistake...that's a different story.

i share both sentiments: the grief that has given way to anger as well as the "wow, we don't know each other anymore." i had feared the day when i would feel like that. but since the day is essentially here (it's been 2 months), it's not as bad as i had feared. honestly, it doesn't sound like things are going well for my ex from what friends are telling me. so i don't "know" him--i only feel sorry for him. i think one day we will meet again...and if we don't get back together, then honestly, i don't think he'll have much to look forward to for a long while.

very true, DN! i hadn't thought about it that way...i like it.

you're probably right that i need some time out. i just hate that one has to be "sentenced" to a certain period of time alone/facing the breakup, whatever you want to call it. i've already been chided by certain people in my life for not being able to let go and move on, so that's what i was trying to do. i want life to be able to progress as normal, and that includes meeting guys. on an unrelated note, i was just talking to a friend about why he thinks my ex decided to leave. my ex is in his early twenties and a musician. my friend's response: "it seems like he just wants to go out and * * * * around." ...ouch. this wasn't a reason my ex cited when he was breaking up with me, but that is probably an accurate assessment. but to think--my baby, leaving me to go hook up with some random chicks. ugh! (maybe now you can understand my desire to date? *eye roll*)

tonight i went on a date with someone i'd had coffee with previously this week. the coffee date went pretty well, and it seemed like "casual dating" would be a good way to get over the post-breakup hump. the date was terrible! not the worst one i've ever been on, but it was very hard to go through. and, naturally, i just kept thinking about every rude or annoying thing this guy did, "my ex would never do that!" i miss my ex SO MUCH, and not even just because of the date. the date just brought those feelings to the surface a little more...the last two days have been really tough. i went out of town for the weekend and had been feeling optimistic, but the optimism has subsided, obviously. it's not that i think i'm not going to make it through all of this. it's just so hard, and i never thought a breakup could rock me like this. how many more of these bad dates can i take? especially when i know that there's a person out there (my ex) who i never had a bad date with, and am still so in love with. and he knows he had this special thing with me, but he doesn't want it. how!? how could he not want it? when is this going to end? when is life going to turn around? since the breakup i've been doing everything in my power to make life better for myself and it's just not enough to make me happy.

i thought i was going to have a run-in a couple weeks ago at a mutual friend's birthday party and i'll pass on the advice that helped me, mostly taken from here. first, there's the obvious: look gorgeous! be gracious and sweet with everyone. be the life of the party (though not in a super obvious/classless/drunken way!) above all, emotionally prepare yourself for anything that could happen. he could be there and decide not to say a word to you...he could not be there at all. be prepared for any outcome and don't get disappointed if x or y doesn't happen. if you do see him, give him a nice hello/how are you, and probably just leave it at that. you're asking for big trouble if you try to talk about anything more, and i'm sure the last thing your friends want is you two getting involved in a dramatic conversation about the relationship at their party. if he brings up the relationship, REFUSE to talk about it there. FYI, i did end up going to the aforementioned party. the ex did not show, but i had a great time even though the majority of the guests were HIS friends! i was so glad i went. hope it goes similarly for you.

i say you're allowed to let her know how you feel, but once you let her know, step back. let her live her life. if you keep disrupting, you're going to seem manipulative and selfish, especially since she has a new guy now--she's going to think "oh, he just wants what he can't have." so make your feelings known--and MAKE THEM KNOWN, say everything you need to say, because it sounds like she needs to feel more secure about how you feel about her--and then let her know you will leave her alone to make her own decisions. you will appear gracious and she will see that you're acting in a way that's best for her and not best for you.

agreed with vert. if your ex is jealous, it obviously means there are residual feelings. yeah, the dumper SHOULD want the dumpee to be happy without them, but to see someone you used to be with and used to make happy start becoming a happy person WITHOUT YOU--especially if a new person is in the dumpee's life--is hard to swallow. i GUESS in cases where the dumper is not jealous to see the dumpee moving on to something/someone new, there are either no feelings or the dumper just happens to be a very evolved, mature person...but honestly? i've never seen the latter to be the case. it's not that the dumper just DOES NOT want the other person to be happy, it's simply selfishness, or maybe regret. i think that even if the breakup were civil, that might make it even harder for the dumper not to be jealous...because a civil breakup is an indication that the dumper still cares about the dumpee and respects the relationship enough to end things kindly. and civil breakups also usually indicate that there wasn't any cheating, abuse, or other severe problems present, making the breakup less of a "must-do."

you WILL make it. and no, you do not deserve this hurt. no one does. we just all have to go through it at some point. i know you don't think you'll be able to move on, i was thinking the same thing just a few weeks ago. just try to take steps to work on yourself and you'll start to move away from that feeling. you'll end up with someone who makes you happy--don't worry about it, it's going to happen.

in my opinion, three and a half months is too long to be in this helpless state of yours. i respect that everyone does things differently, so i don't mean to look down on you, but you should really think about making some changes in your life, whatever you can possibly stand to do. do you think you could ask your friends to be a little more sensitive to your situation when they start to discuss their love problems? that might help. unfortunately, though, you can't ask them to avoid discussing their personal lives forever. it's not fair to them. so again, you should start making changes in your life so that eventually you'll stop becoming upset when they want to talk about their relationships. so you don't really want to be with people right now. but can you maybe do something solitary AROUND people, like taking up a yoga class or something? i used to find that even running errands lifted my mood--just going to the grocery store for this and that. after all, it was preferable to sitting at home and moping. there's something to be said for having people around you, even if you're not interacting. it could help ease you into more social situations and make you feel less lonely. even though the solitude feels comfortable, you CANNOT keep doing this forever. for me, my worst days have always been when i'm home alone with nothing to do, and i suspect it's the same for many others getting over broken hearts--waaay too much time to dwell, leaving you depressed and grief-stricken, making eating, socializing normally, etc., so much harder.

i'm unclear--are you together but fighting, or broken up? if you're truly broken up, it's not his business. if he wants to know, he'll ask, or at least get the info from a friend. if he misinterprets the situation, that's his problem. but it seems that you're still together, so yes, even though you're having problems, you might do well to let him know the situation. or at least figure out a way to casually work it into the next conversation you have with him.

my solution to handling that was simply deleting my ex from my "buddies." out of sight, out of mind. i wasn't ready for the finality of "blocking," even though i knew he wouldn't contact me anyway. that was enough for me though.

REBOUND! it has a name for a reason. if it makes you feel any better, this probably isn't going to be the girl he marries. people can have genuine emotions and change their minds about it...it sucks, but it's life. i believed my ex loved me very much. i'm really sad that it's no longer true, but like i said...life. he's right, though--this is going to be very good for your growth. i don't know about HIM, because if he's hopping from girl to girl he obviously doesn't have things straightened out in his head. remember that...he needs to straighten his life out big time, so try not to be too offended that he wasn't able to handle a relationship with you at the same time. you guys are young. it happens.

so you got it allllll out in your emails. now, just let go. i know that because she's done something so hurtful you want to lash out, and i'm sure there are going to be days when you feel anger about other, different things, in addition to the anger you already feel. but let that email be the last thing you say about it. don't get mired in hatred...i've been there and it sucks. hard. be a civil person, and a shining example of how to handle a betrayal with grace...people will really respect you for it, and you'll respect yourself.

it's too bad you guys dated for so short a time and then went straight into the friendzone. i think many would agree that since you're already there, it is going to be VERY hard to get out. are either of you willing to move to where the other is living? this is a leap because you two aren't actually together, but if you established that you WOULD be willing to move to NY to try things with him (really risky however), i SUPPOSE you could ask if he would be willing to give the two of you a try in that case. then at least you would know, and you could feel like you did everything you could to make the two of you happen (if that's important to you). however, i think a lot of people would disagree with me about going even that far. it is definitely a risky proposition to give your heart more hope than it should have. i only suggest that because you seem to be searching for any options that would allow for the two of you to be together. you should probably cut your losses and move on. i'm sorry. however, by the topic name itself i think you're being rather realistic about the situation, so good for you...you're willing to admit that you don't think your relationship is a special case, like a lot of people tend to do. you'll figure your stuff out. don't worry.

thanks again for the encouragement! life is going well...i saw an old flame this weekend and it put a lot of things into perspective, not only about that relationship but my last one (the real heartbreaker) as well. i even have a date tonight! who would have thought?

hi there. i think teddybear made a good point that you should figure out if you could spend the rest of your life with this person. now, depending on how old you are, this may sound silly--i'm 21, and most 21 year olds i can think of aren't thinking about marriage. however, you have been broken up for a while, presumably done some healing and made some changes. and if this relationship IS eventually going to end, wouldn't you prefer to not prolong the inevitable end unecessarily, and simply figure out what you've learned and move on? seriously ask yourself if you can in good conscience invest more time, emotion, and energy into this relationship. if i were you, i think i would also ask myself if this relationship is in line with the person i have become post-breakup. for example, one of the problems i had with my ex was that he needed me to be very involved in his life, career, hobbies, et cetera...i played into this, all the while putting MY career and hobbies on the back burner. since the breakup i have recognized this and become very independent and tried as much as possible to concentrate on my future career. if i could determine that i would still be expected to be as big of a participant in his career, i could not go back into the relationship. and this is probably obvious, but take into account his actions, not his words. if you feel like he's giving you all the standard lines, it's because HE IS! however, if he could give you concrete examples of things he is going to do differently, that would help.

so an interesting event occurred yesterday. as i had previously mentioned, i sent a polite email to my ex asking him to exchange things with my friend rather than meet up with him to do it. last night i called my friend to confirm that she had gotten my stuff, and couldn't help but ask for a few details. she said he looked "horrid" and "deathly, even emotionally." that "he definitely didn't look too happy to be giving your stuff back." she said he was polite, but seemed depressed, downtrodden. now, i know friends can exaggerate things to make you feel better--and to be honest, it DID make me feel better, in an ever so slightly haughty sense. even though i was "the dumped," i have been taking classes toward a second degree, going out, seeing friends every day, and making the best of things in general. i look good and, contrary to what i thought, feel okay, too. i was even able to very successfully have a great time with his friends at the party the other night--the party he clearly couldn't bring himself to attend (though that could be for a number of reasons). apparently he wasn't able to do the same with my friend. i've handled the breakup with grace, but i also acknowledged that my ex was probably going out and having the time of HIS life, free of attachments, et cetera. to know that the regret he MIGHT have was written on his face, and that he's not so gleeful as he probably wished is...admittedly...nice. it was also nice to hear simply because it shows he has a soul, and might be almost as/as/even more sad than i am. because if he's sad, it means he's acknowledging that he lost a great girl. i think that i'm a loss worth mourning. and to know that he's a real person, and that i didn't waste a year and a half on a monster, is also nice. now this isn't all sadism, i felt a pang of sympathy knowing that he was so "deathly" and all. but he wanted to rid himself of all his loyalties to me, to completely cut ties, so i don't think i'm out of line for feeling a lack of loyalty. that's it, my friend apparently has more details to share later...i just felt like writing about it.

i understand your curiosity about this subject. i'm a bit curious about it, too, because after my breakup six weeks ago i was still left with the feeling that we couldn't possibly be over...it just didn't make sense but don't think that any one person's story could directly apply to you...people are so different. however, i'm sure you're smart enough to realize this. i "reconciled" with someone i had basically broken up with when we went to college...we had dated for about four or five months prior. the relationship just sort of fizzled because we were moving to different cities, but mostly fizzled because i became more distant/tired of him. however, he never put up a fight...it was never even something that was discussed. it just happened. i had chalked it up to a summer fling, and never even knew he was referring to me as his girlfriend! so you can see that we were communicating terribly to start with. we got back together a few months into college when we started talking again, and it seemed like we were both opening up to each other more. i had renewed hope about the level of intimacy our relationship could have. and, to be honest, i hadn't found any new hot prospects in college--in fact, i'd been burned a bit--so because i wanted a boyfriend and was feeling out of my element in college, i retreated to the familiar. i genuinely hoped i could fall in love with him. it went okay for about a month or so. we were more open with each other, but i never fell in love with him and knew i never would. i don't think i was being honest with myself about what kind of person he was, and that was what mostly drove me away from him in the first place: he was insecure; i felt he was a follower and not his own person, VERY immature; admittedly, i didn't find him very intelligent. as i got to know him better, i also found many more ways in which we weren't compatible--religion, family life, social life, SO many things. after less than two months, i had already broken it off. so yes...a reconciliation, but by no means a successful one.