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joyce1412

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  1. joyce1412
  2. joyce1412
    thanks for that. out of pure curiosity, how long did you and your boyfriend separate each time? the "domestic violence" situation sounds rather serious.
  3. joyce1412
    oh--but the one thing i DON'T get is that he didn't respond to my email about exchanging things with my friend. i thought it was really rude, he could have at least said, "okay, thanks, i'll give her a call"...or SOMETHING. after a year and a half of waiting for him at home while he was out on the road, and after a bad breakup, you'd think i would at least deserve a freaking response to my email!!! it's really disappointing, the way he's been acting as of late...very unlike him.
  4. joyce1412
    you know, i have no idea why he didn't show up. it was more "appropriate" for me to be there i suppose, since the birthday guy is a good friend of mine and not such a good friend of his. however, several of his friends were there, and usually when there's a group gathering when he's home, he'll always hit it up. a friend of his had mentioned before the party that she didn't think he would come, that he would probably give me some space on this occasion. but i think that was based on conjecture rather than something he said...my ex has really kept his lips zipped about the whole breakup. i probably COULD read something into this situation if i wanted to. he also sent me a text message the day he came home with the times he was around, saying to let him know if i wanted to "meet up." (i had asked him several weeks ago to get in touch with me when he was back so we could see about exchanging our things.) so i could read into both situations...BUT, i'm choosing not to. (by the way, i ultimately sent him a polite email asking him to exchange things with my friend.) i had a really sad day yesterday...i was kind of bored, didn't have much to do, so i ended up thinking waaaay too much about him and the breakup. but today will be a better day, i'm going to try not to dwell as much.
  5. joyce1412
    thanks for all your thoughts. i definitely see everyone's points and agree with many of them. as far as us being compatible...i think we were highly compatible, which is one of the reasons why this is hard to swallow. however, since i'm only 21, i'm willing to accept that maybe he was what i needed at 21 years old, but not for life--although thinking in such a way is difficult, especially since a breakup in itself is so much more of an emotional event than a logical one. i can also see how a bad breakup, or just a breakup, can put a "stain" on whatever relationship a person tries to have with her ex, even if it's just a friendship. that's currently how i feel about what it must be like for a couple trying to reconcile. i don't mean to imply that the breakup happened for no reason at all. i can definitely look back and see how things could have been better, on my side and on his. there are several things that i felt were issues of some significance and i'm trying to work on what i did wrong in this time alone. it's only that i felt things could have been worked out with some effort, and he wasn't willing to stay around and try. and yes, itsallgrand, i am holding on for hope as a part of the grieving process, and i realize that. i used that hope to carry me through the last couple of weeks. it doesn't help that i have (and still have) friends telling me that it seems like the two of us aren't done yet, and that he's definitely going to regret losing me. they're trying to be kind, but i think this kind of talk might hurt me more than help me in the long run. but it's hard, because my tendency is to agree...i DIDN'T think we were done yet, was blindsided by the breakup, and thought i was an excellent, patient, loving girlfriend. it's easy to believe it when people are telling you what you want to hear. and i've also done some of the "up, down, and all around." some days i'm really pissed, some days i get very logical, some days i care a lot less than i expect i will, some days i care a lot MORE than i expect i will. however, in the past week or so i have been trying to be okay with the fact that it's just over...period. i'm realizing that that's the safest mental route to take. thanks everyone.
  6. joyce1412
    i agree with teacup. of course you had a great relationship when times were good, everyone wants to stick around with their significant others as long as things are easy and fun. but there ARE women who will want to stick around even when things get hard...that's when you know you have a real relationship. i have yet to find a guy who truly wants to stick around during the hard times...i hear they're out there, though. haha. but i know a lot of loyal women who have stuck with their guys through really difficult times, even when i didn't personally think their struggles were worth it. so yes, there will be a woman who will try like hell to be with you. trust in that. i also agree with teacup that this "moodiness" will continue with your ex. we can never hold other people responsible for our inability to commit or our erratic emotions...so never feel like you are to blame for her actions. maybe you two just aren't right for each other, but even so, you aren't at fault. it sounds like it's just in her character, especially the name-calling and her inability to be monogamous...they both point to her innate immaturity.
  7. joyce1412
    hi there. for a while i've been wondering how it is that a couple can get back together after a serious breakup. i'm obviously getting ahead of myself because it's not like my ex has given me any indication of wanting me back after leaving six weeks ago. but i just wonder how it is that people can go through something like what i'm going through--pain, confusion, anger, sense of loss, lowered self-esteem--and somehow still want to get back with the person who was the cause of all the terrible feelings. i'm especially curious about this because i didn't deserve to be dumped, i didn't cheat, didn't take him for granted, et cetera, so i can't pretend i understand or even condone him wanting out. i think it was a terribly foolish thing that he did, and the way in which he broke up with me was so hurtful (this was our last conversation, we have not spoken at all in recent weeks except for brief and detached text-messaging about exchanging our things). if my ex called me tomorrow and wanted to have me back, my FIRST, first impulse would be to scream "YES, of course!" i miss him terribly and [i say this a bit begrudgingly because i'm SO angry at him] i think he's a wonderful guy. and, of course, i'm also eager for this pain and the difficult times to end. but how could i possibly feel close to him, unafraid and uninhibited with a person who put me through the saddest, most difficult time of my life? obviously, i can't help thinking about wanting to be back with him. but i wonder how that is even possible, and if it's just something i'm thinking about to get me through the months of separation anxiety that are sure to come. maybe as much as i want to, i couldn't get back together with him, but i keep thinking about it because i can't face the fact that this great and loving relationship has no long-term value. when i think about this relationship having no lasting significance or meaning, it's enough to make me ill. any thoughts?
  8. joyce1412
    well, last night was the big night. i was so nervous before i went in that i felt like throwing up...but actually, he ended up not showing. i was kind of disappointed because i really did want to get seeing him for the first time post-breakup "over with." i feel like that i need to see it's over with my own eyes...and maybe if he could see me and remain as unaffected and detached as he has been, i'll know that there's nothing else i can do. i know that's silly, but i've been so confused trying to reconcile the person who loved me and cared for me and said i was his "dream girl" with the person who left me, especially since it was done over the phone (it's a long-distance relationship). in some ways i still feel like the person who dumped me six weeks ago was some sort of "fluke." at the same time, the fact that he wasn't there allowed me to have a much better time. i acted like i didn't have a care in the world, looked great, socialized with everyone, and no one treated me any differently. i was ultimately glad i went. however, spending time with this group of friends again has really made me think. last night went well, but hearing everyone talk about the things i could no longer participate in was pretty sad. my ex and several of these friends are musicians in the same band, and knowing that everyone will be able to go to their shows, parties, etc. while i can't is really hard. besides it being highly inappropriate and very painful for me even if i were to attend these things, i'm pretty sure my ex doesn't want me there. i feel that since my ex is closer with the people in this group, and closer with more of them, that maybe i need to find a new group. plus, i don't know what i'll do when the day comes that my ex starts bringing around girls and whatnot. do i need to find another crowd that's all my own? advice, anyone?
  9. joyce1412
    you know what? i think it's perfectly acceptable to hope that karma bites your ex in the * * * a little. of course you don't want terrible things to happen to him, but if you hear that your ex got his car towed yesterday...hell, i think you deserve to have a little chuckle! a few weeks after my breakup i was informed that not only had my ex gained weight, he got mono. personally, i think that's just the beginning of his bad karma. i know the world isn't fair, but i think there is something to the idea of karma...for every bad or mean thing i've done to a member of the opposite sex, i've had the same thing done to me. doh!
  10. joyce1412
    good for you mike. and even if she comes groveling...don't forget what you just said!
  11. joyce1412
    hey there. i'm very sorry to hear all that. you'll be surprised, but you WILL get angry. i think the anger impulse is because the brain finally says, "hey! that wasn't fair!" and stops pining for a second...that's the part of our brain that keeps us from letting people walk all over us. and the being angry is kind of nice, because it snaps you out of thinking your guy is perfect. i know, trust me, i thought the same thing about my guy: that he was amazing, that he could never do something as cruel as this. i'm still a little floored, believe me. but people have failings, you know? even though you might think he is wonderful, that doesn't mean he is 100% what you wanted/hoped he would be. unfortunately, great people can still make horrible mistakes and do terribly hurtful things. try to take him off the pedestal you put him on as much as you possibly can. i know it's hard. i'm sorry to hear that you two had such a history also. i can't imagine how hard that must be. you might not be ready to start thinking in this direction...however, sometimes the people we know from an early age aren't perfect for us. we grow up with them and as a result have a lot in common, but we might have some fundamental personality and value differences with them that we overlooked because of the shared history and all the memories. so like i said, maybe you're not ready to start thinking this way, but try to chew on it, perhaps. i hope you feel better...you're going to be okay! let us know how you're doing.
  12. joyce1412
    i was broken up with about a month ago. it was a sad, messy end to an otherwise good and loving relationship. i miss my ex and i think i still love him. it's hard to say because my head and heart are slowly trying to back away from loving him. so i think i do. but... i hate him! sometimes i can't help but hate him a little for how carelessly he handled my heart, the mean things he said, and for not wanting to stick around to work things out. as intensely as i miss him and want him back in my life, i also get just as angry. i think about the things he said, how he said them, and how they made me feel and still make me feel, and i feel like punching a wall (if not HIM). so even though i'm hoping we will get back together someday, sometimes i wonder how i could ever get over all the hurt and betrayal that was caused by this person i loved, and who loved me. a thin line between love and hate...? anyone feel like this?
  13. joyce1412
    well, i am still "pining" for him in that if he wanted me back...i can't lie, i would take him back in a second. how do you maintain the balance of NC/LC and sharing friends at the same time? that has to be difficult. i almost feel like the shared friends might put me at a disadvantage, at least in the area of reconciliation with my ex. if i'm always around, how is he going to miss me? or will being a presense in our group of friends help me?
  14. joyce1412
    bad idea, i think. you'll probably regret saying it if nothing works out between you. and if you think about it, a lot of people break up with their significant others because they DO know the door is open, because they know their lovers still want to be with them. it is often when the dumpee becomes a little more independent, starts dating other people, and becomes otherwise unattainable that, unfortunately, the dumper's interest in her former lover is piqued once again. when her ability to be with that person is JEOPARDIZED, she will be the most likely to leap into action. you probably made it clear to your ex when you broke up that you didn't want to break up, so that's all you need to say. she probably knows she could call you right now and you'd still be down for it. and if she wants to be with you badly enough (and keep in mind that you should only want her back if she is VERY strong in her desire to be with you--otherwise, what's the point) she would most likely risk the possibility of rejection in order to get you back. don't forget the truth about human nature that people like a challenge, and like it when their accomplishments are difficult to attain, because the difficulty in reaching it makes getting it so much sweeter.
  15. joyce1412
    same for me. my ex broke up with me for good four weeks ago, but for the few weeks before that he had brought up breaking up, with increasing degrees of seriousness each time. i begged, cried, whatever, but i don't regret it because it was what i felt at the time. i think i would have felt regret if i hadn't fought for my relationship--an amazing relationship, i felt. and in the final weeks i did my very best not to contribute to our problems, i tried really hard for us. however, in the final, decisive breakup call, i took it very well. i understood that there would be no take-backs at that point...he was very detached and cold in the way he did it, so it was pretty easy to understand that we were done. so no pleading then. and no pleading since, either. i've done complete NC aside for a short text message about getting my stuff back. and, of course, there will be no pleading in the future either. i understand now that it truly won't get me anywhere and that i need to suck it up, be a big girl, and get back to being fabulous.
  16. joyce1412
    also, enolaton, just for reference...is this an ex you would still like to get back together with, or is she definitely in the past for you? how do you feel shared friends affect this? thanks so much.
  17. joyce1412
    very interesting, enolaton. thank you. can i ask if there were any power struggles between you and your ex in terms of who got to "keep" certain friends? well, keep is the wrong word, but did you find that friends felt like they had to take sides, or that you or your ex wanted them to take sides? what kind of specific awkwardnesses did the shared friends present? also, did you ever have any problems with friends who would remind you about your ex in conversation or bring up what's going on in his/her life a little more often than is considerate/necessary? i currently have a friend who's doing this and i'm not quite sure how to handle her. thanks.
  18. joyce1412
    hi again. i'm really impressed with your responses to things. it really sounds like you've thought out every angle, which i guess you have spent the last year doing. you're a smart, introspective girl. i think you're going to make a good, informed decision. and provided that you stick to the conditions that you outlined would have to take place for you to get back together with him, you'll be just fine. i've told myself many of the same things, but i can get so emotional about people i wonder if i would really stick to my guns the way i think i will. has he contacted you since? i'd be really interested to know. keep us posted!
  19. joyce1412
    first of all, thanks so much for your thoughtful response. you've really given me some food for thought. geez, i just don't know. i really thought about my motivations for going. because i do have lots of reasons for going, for my friends, but i need to remember that my emotional health is most important. i think the most likely scenario is just what you described, where we would just say hi to each other and then avoid one another like the plague. i certainly won't try to have a conversation with him, much less a conversation about the relationship. i know that much. and i'm pretty certain he wouldn't try to have any kind of conversation with me. the breakup wasn't bitter--i hadn't done anything to him, i hadn't offended him in any way, it was he who was having issues--but he was extremely, extremely cold and detached in our final conversation, so i can't imagine he'd want to chat me up. however, sometimes you never know how bad it is until you actually go through it. maybe i'll get there and see his face, and everything will be like it always was when we'd hang out with everyone...except that we're not together. and there will just be a distant "hello" or something. even though i fully anticipate that happening, maybe i'm just not ready to go through it. then again, i'm definitely not ready to give up my friends. we're going to see each other sometime, whether it's in a few days or a few months. is it better to get the "first time seeing him" over now, or later?
  20. joyce1412
    that's terrible. when a guy dumps you over the phone or, even worse, via letter, it hardly seems real, does it? it sounds like you are doing really well so far. you must have some real willpower if you got that letter and didn't do anything crazy or even try to get in touch with him. give yourself some credit just for that! but if you really, really need an explanation as to why he wants to break up, you have a right to ask for it...he's your husband. you deserve more than a careless little letter. and it sounds like he wouldn't be hostile if you needed to speak with him. however, the best closure you're going to get is from within, so i wouldn't say you necessarily have to talk to him. be honest with yourself that you are broken up. even if he's still paying your bills and all that other stuff, he told you he wants to break up. that's all a person needs to do for it to be over...sorry. some time might make him feel differently, but it may not. regardless it seems NC would be a good thing for you, to help you move on and to let him see what life is like without you. with that in mind, i don't know if i would recommend having dinner with him...like i said, if you really have to talk to him and get it out of your system, do it, but i don't know if it will do you any favors to have him see you down and depressed. sounds like a great way to ruin a nice dinner, don't you think? consider letting him remember your last time together as the time when he was telling you he loved you and all was okay...that might be a better and more dignified way for you to be remembered. if you want to get that initial closure, get it, but then do your best to bow out and go NC. as far as him not loving you and missing you...you don't have to automatically go there. right now he is questioining his love for you, but i'm sure he misses you. i have no doubt that you are a good person and are worthy of being missed.
  21. joyce1412
    hey blender, thanks for that. hmm. that's really something to think about. my first impulse was actually not to go...when i heard about it a week ago, terror struck my heart a little, i won't lie. after thinking about it, i decided i would go, the reasons being: 1. post-breakup, i am making my friend/family relationships priorities. this friend of mine is someone who i have recently spent a lot of time with and was really excited about getting to know well--we have a lot in common, and since it is so hard for me to meet people and make friends, it seemed like such a blessing to have him in my life right now. he also came to my birthday party a few months ago, a very small gathering of my close friends, and i wanted to return the favor. 2. with that in mind, i thought, "why should i let my ex drive me away from my friend? why should i let him shut me out of my friend's birthday? HE should be the one sitting at home on the night of the party, not me!" because i am better friends with him, i have this sense (right or wrong, i don't know) that i am entitled to be there more than he is. but more than that, i'm trying to not let this jerk get in the way of my friendship, and thus get in the way of me having a life. i don't want to think that i let him mess things up for me anymore than he already did! 3. i felt that since i am better friends with the birthday guy, and since the manner of the breakup led me to think my ex would err on the side of staying distant versus being around me, that there is a good chance he will not go. 4. i would LIKE to send out the message that just because i am not [name]'s girlfriend doesn't mean i can't be a part of this group of people. when i was with my ex i sometimes felt that the only reason i deserved to be hanging out with these people (some people whom i think are very cool and talented) was because i was "a girlfriend." i kind of want to prove to myself and to others that i am an interesting, cool person who can fit in with this group of people on my own merits. this has always been an insecurity of mine, thinking i'm not someone who is worth getting to know, and i hope to use this time out of a relationship to grow out of such insecurities. so those were my main reasons. i do recognize that yours are definitely worth considering, though...i will continue to think about it and make a concrete decision closer to the date. do these sound reasonable to anyone?? and knowing that information, does going to the party sound like a better option? i'd be interested in blender's or anyone else's thoughts.
  22. joyce1412
    awesome! big thanks to everyone, especially lady bugg. i definitely want to make sure i look good...though not too good, if you know what i mean. i want to look hot for him without making him think i want to look hot for him. haha. ugh...i'm so anxious about it though. a few weeks ago i had realized that the day would come soon when he would see me again at a party or something...i had no idea it would be so soon. i almost feel like i've been building up that day in my head, like i made it something to look forward to in this whole breakup mess...i would see him in a couple months, and he would want me again. i have been doing really well lately, losing weight, looking good and making changes in my life, but i feel like i'm really just doing it for him, in anticipation of "that day" rolling around. sigh. i wish i didn't care what he thought of me anymore. and i wish i could stop loving this guy who dumped me. and stop hating him, too. you know?
  23. joyce1412
    well, as i have usually felt in my short time on these forums...i'm hardly in the position to give advice since my breakup was a mere month ago! however, i think if you find yourself getting angry/jealous about certain things regarding your ex, you just need to stop for ONE moment and ask yourself, "is this healthy anger? is this healthy jealousy?" i try to remember that post-breakup and as someone who gets notoriously riled up when angry or indignant, i think it works. for example, i have a friend who manages to find a lot of ways to bring up her boyfriend and his job--which is difficult, because he and my ex are coworkers. and when we broke up, i had discussed with my friend that i really wanted to work on our friendship OUTSIDE of talking about boyfriends because i didn't want any reminders of the pain. nevertheless, she will not stop. i was getting angry about her constantly mentioning their work today, but after a while i just thought, "is this healthy anger?" and it is not. she is not responsible for the dissolution of my relationship, and it is not her i am angry with, it is my ex. perhaps this friendship will not work out in the long run, but in the meantime, i just can't fixate on what i believe she is doing to wrong me. you have to accept that your ex will find someone new someday...but the good news is, so will you! and when you find your new girl, after a while you're going to wonder why you spent so much time longing for your old one. the best revenge is living well, and the best way to get past feeling jealous about her is to make your own life as wonderful as possible. so yeah, continually ask yourself what is healthy and unhealthy to feel, and make YOUR LIFE into something that a person ought to envy. (because, P.S., she WILL get jealous about you, too, even though she broke it off.)
  24. joyce1412
    hello, i'll try to keep it as short as i can! my ex and i were together for a year and a half, he broke up with me because of the increasing stress of a long-distance relationship (he constantly travels for work) and some other smaller factors. he broke up with me about a month ago, and we have had have had NC since the first couple of days after the breakup (we were on a "break" for a couple days because he didn't want to call for the definitive breakup). there was also some very minor text-messaging regarding exchanging some of our stuff. but other than that, total NC. a good friend of mine is having a birthday party in a few days. i have decided that i will for sure go, even though a) my ex's good friends will definitely be there (the birthday guy is a mutual friend, though he is much better friends with me) and b) he may be there as well. now, i'm inclined to believe that he may not go out of respect/not wanting to run into me. however, given the happenings of the last few weeks/months, i couldn't be surprised if he did show up. so, point being, i am looking for tips on how to handle the situation. i'd like to be able to conduct myself gracefully and appear strong even though it will be the first time i am seeing these people since the breakup. i want to conduct myself as if i am looking and doing well, while creating as little awkwardness as possible between his friends and--worst case scenario--him. i want them to leave thinking that i am not bitter, nor do i have anything against them, and that i still like them (well, this should at least be possible with his friends). and yes, i also want them to leave thinking, "wow! she seems great! what a mistake [name] made leaving her." suggestions, please?
  25. joyce1412
    i disagree. that's quite a lot you think he's conveying with a mere touch of the shoulder. if you get in contact with him AT ALL, at least keep it short, sweet and politely detached, like in an email or something. (as in, "sorry i didn't get to say hi. hope you're well.") anything more is a pretty HUGE risk, especially given the extremely small gesture he gave. just protect your heart as best you can.
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