permasmile

Thanks to both of you for replying Grokker - it is refreshing to see someone else in a similar boat. Love this line: "it's more to do with the image you've created of her in your mind, the power you've given that image over your life and emotions, than anything intrinsic to *her* specifically." From your post, I get the feeling that you don't consider yourself an insecure person by nature, but that this situation has made you feel that way. Well, at least that is the way I feel. As though I have put so much emphasis on this one aspect of my life and allowed it to have a certain form of control over me. I am gonna try to stop with the obsessive details and take things in stride. It is important to keep things in perspective and realize that as great as she may be, she certainly doesn't deserve this much "airtime" in my mind as of yet lol. We all know that others who demonstrate obsessiveness or neediness come accross as unattractive - we don't want to fall in that boat. Just gotta find a way to take a step back and see the big picture. Might work, might not - but it won't work for either of us if I continue this way. I'm confident enough to think I can get through this.

Ok first things first; a brief background: - 27 year old male - Got out of a 4 year relationship about 8 months ago - Have dated a few girls since - have never had that "feeling" about any of them I started dating a new girl a few weeks back. I knew her for a little while, although would only see her in passing but never really spoke with her. Though she was beautiful but never was motivated to get to know her since I was in a relationship at that point. Nonetheless, recently we started talking (we work together) and joking around and decided to go on a date. It went great.....her sense of humor is identical to mine. That is extremely important as I can be a sarcastic bastard and many of my jokes are based on subtle social observations which she understands. Also is well educated and shares similar values and goals. It is obvious that she shared these feelings. Anyhoo...... The problem lies in that I seem to be thinking about her WAY too much. I am a fairly confident guy.....I know I am attractive and I can make people laugh while holding a conversation. However, for whatever reason, I am analysing this thing to death. I analyze our text messages, emails, phone calls etc. If she doesn't call one night, I wonder why? I am constantly questioning what she thinks about me.....how does this shirt look? Was that joke out of line? Should I call her now? lol.....I realize it is so silly and counterproductive but I can't seem to get her, or more so how I am "doing" with her, out of my head. In reality this can be the worst possible thing since it could lead to me not being myself around her - and she became attracted to me without me trying to whoo or impress her in the first place. I would hate for this to affect the way I act around her. The two main reasons I think I am reacting this way are: 1) I haven't felt this way in a long time. I have dated several girls since my breakup but never found a girl I clicked with like her. I am 100% over my breakup...that I know....but I also know that I am at a stage I would like to be in a relationship. As this girl is the first to present the qualities I look for, I guess I am focusing too much on the situation. 2) This girl is really independent...I think this is the bigger one. She comes from a wealthy family and admits she is spoiled rotten. She is used to going on great trips, being able to do what she wants etc. and through her experiences I think she has gained a lot of self confidence and ability to not rely on any one person. She is also very busy......has lots of commitments and a busy schedule. I am used to a girl chasing me more and making a strong effort to spend time with me. She certainly has done this to an extent, but the frequency of us "hanging out" is less as she has other commitments. This is a change for me.....yet I realize because of this side of her it is important for me to not come accross as needy. Even writing this has been of some help. I realize I am making too big of a deal out of this and that I should just take things as they come. It is frustrating having it on my mind so much so I would love to hear any opinions or advice. Thanks!

Going golfing with my buddy tomorrow (just him and I) so I think I will take the route of "how would you feel if a friend of yours dated an ex". We shall see how it goes.

So you wouldn't say "I had crazy monkey sex with your ex-gf and wouldn't mind doin it again.....that cool?" Thanks for the tip.

Thanks all. I know she isn't doing this to get back at him. Well, I guess you can't ever say for sure, but I am fairly good at reading people and social situations so I am confident that is not the case. The fact he is getting married makes the logical side of me think it should be fine. However, it could anger him and make things awkward. I have a number of "circles" of friends, and he was the first I met in one particular group of friends I hang out with, so if things between us turned sour than it may hurt other friendships as well. I think I am gonna try to find a casual way to bring it up to see his reaction. Not by telling him what has happened but in more of a "what if" scenario. Also, I will play it by ear with this girl. If things keep developing and/or feelings continue to develop than at that point I may have to take the plunge. Otherwise it may not be worth risking anything.

I have been struggling with this situation for the past couple weeks. One of my good friends dated a girl for 4 years. They broke up 2 years ago and he is now getting married in a month. He has never spoken to her since and he is somewhat immature so I doubt he ever will again. I have seen her out on the town a few times since they broke up as we are now both single. My friend is a couple years older and obviously is engaged so he doesn't go out as often. I always thought this girl was great.....attractive, full of energy, good conversationlist etc. I never looked at her in a "romantic" sense for obvious reasons. Well two weekends ago we were hanging out together as we ran into each other at the bar. I noticed she was being flirtatious and eventually she says a few things about how she is attracted to me, always though I was cute etc. Several drinks later she says she wants to come home with me. At the time this seems like a great idea. We both agreed that noone could find out about what happened. That it could put my friendship at risk. She said there was nothing wrong with staying touch and we exchanged emails and phone #s. Throughout the week she messaged me a few times....all fairly innocent with a hint of flirtation sometimes. So, Saturday night rolls around and we find ourselves in the exact same situation. Problem is that she clearly had feelings for me, and I also am interested in her. We have great chemistry, but I can't help but feel sad about the situation. We can't just keep going at it in secret, but I also value my friendship with my pal too much to put it at risk. At this point I feel as though I need to shove my feelings for her aside and cut of any contact that extends beyond friendship. A part of me though wants to find a way to be able to make it work without upsetting my friend though I am not sure if that is possible. Ultimately, I would love to hear some advice or if anyone has been in a similar situation. Thanks all.

definitely not. A part of you wants to I'm sure. But it is far too soon. I urge you to avoid this outing. BOL

1) I was too much to handle in bed 2) It was difficult for her to be with someone so attractive 3) My sense of humour often gave her stomach cramps Kidding aside..... 1) Lack of communication 2) Little effort in keeping the relationship interesting towards the end 3) Differences in perceptions in terms of career goals

Your occasional relapses are normal. It seems like you have been doing the right thing and I am pleased to hear that you have healed greatly. I think it is normal to want to be with someone, and most likely until you find your next "special someone", you will have thoughts of your ex. Being in a relationship offers many comforts.......I suspect much of you misses being with someone as opposed to being specifically with her. Of course I am in an earlier stage of healing than you. However, I think the rational part of me knows I will get over this in due time. You know the same. Best

I agree with you. I believe I am in the same boat. I miss having someone to talk to each day, someone to cuddle with, knowing someone is thinking of you etc. That isn't to say I do not miss her at all......obviously our ex's have good qualities. But in my case I am struggling with the idea of being single more so than not being with her.

In your head, you know this guy isn't at a maturity level where he could have a healthy relationship with you. However, it is very easy for your thoughts to get clouded especially if there is contact between the two of you. In your situation, I would think maintaining NC, while reminding yourself that you are not to blame, is the best route.

Congrats! I'm thrilled to see you have found happiness again. My only advice is to continue to look for things that make you happy outside of your life than her. Also, do not simply jump into it headfirst again. You do not want to appear too needy, and it is best if you make her "chase" you in a sense for a bit. I imagine right now all you want to do is talk to her, see her, hold her etc. However, I don't think it is a good idea for her to think she can simply have everything back so easily. Make sure she knows that you are a catch and that being with you isn't simply automatic.

Thanks for the kinds words. There is a part of me that wants to do NC, but of course the side of me that hopes we get back together thinks I should continue to hang out with her. It is so tough to let go after having her in my life for so long. Last night was really tough on me. I saw her out at a bar, and we chatted it up for a bit. She was in good spirits and this time I was attracted to her. That whole night I thought about what I have lost and I had an awful sleep. This is a struggle. One day I fell one way, the next day my thoughts change.

Thanks for the responses. The rational part of me must come to grips with the fact I am missing the idea of having someone, as opposed to truly missing her. I don't want to make it sound as though she is not a great girl...she is, but I do know she isn't everything I am looking for. It is tough when they do not contact you. My mind starts whirling about where they are if they are with another guy etc, but ultimately I guess it doesn't matter. We are no longer together, and we both must move on.