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permasmile

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  1. permasmile
    Thanks to both of you for replying Grokker - it is refreshing to see someone else in a similar boat. Love this line: "it's more to do with the image you've created of her in your mind, the power you've given that image over your life and emotions, than anything intrinsic to *her* specifically." From your post, I get the feeling that you don't consider yourself an insecure person by nature, but that this situation has made you feel that way. Well, at least that is the way I feel. As though I have put so much emphasis on this one aspect of my life and allowed it to have a certain form of control over me. I am gonna try to stop with the obsessive details and take things in stride. It is important to keep things in perspective and realize that as great as she may be, she certainly doesn't deserve this much "airtime" in my mind as of yet lol. We all know that others who demonstrate obsessiveness or neediness come accross as unattractive - we don't want to fall in that boat. Just gotta find a way to take a step back and see the big picture. Might work, might not - but it won't work for either of us if I continue this way. I'm confident enough to think I can get through this.
  2. permasmile
    Ok first things first; a brief background: - 27 year old male - Got out of a 4 year relationship about 8 months ago - Have dated a few girls since - have never had that "feeling" about any of them I started dating a new girl a few weeks back. I knew her for a little while, although would only see her in passing but never really spoke with her. Though she was beautiful but never was motivated to get to know her since I was in a relationship at that point. Nonetheless, recently we started talking (we work together) and joking around and decided to go on a date. It went great.....her sense of humor is identical to mine. That is extremely important as I can be a sarcastic bastard and many of my jokes are based on subtle social observations which she understands. Also is well educated and shares similar values and goals. It is obvious that she shared these feelings. Anyhoo...... The problem lies in that I seem to be thinking about her WAY too much. I am a fairly confident guy.....I know I am attractive and I can make people laugh while holding a conversation. However, for whatever reason, I am analysing this thing to death. I analyze our text messages, emails, phone calls etc. If she doesn't call one night, I wonder why? I am constantly questioning what she thinks about me.....how does this shirt look? Was that joke out of line? Should I call her now? lol.....I realize it is so silly and counterproductive but I can't seem to get her, or more so how I am "doing" with her, out of my head. In reality this can be the worst possible thing since it could lead to me not being myself around her - and she became attracted to me without me trying to whoo or impress her in the first place. I would hate for this to affect the way I act around her. The two main reasons I think I am reacting this way are: 1) I haven't felt this way in a long time. I have dated several girls since my breakup but never found a girl I clicked with like her. I am 100% over my breakup...that I know....but I also know that I am at a stage I would like to be in a relationship. As this girl is the first to present the qualities I look for, I guess I am focusing too much on the situation. 2) This girl is really independent...I think this is the bigger one. She comes from a wealthy family and admits she is spoiled rotten. She is used to going on great trips, being able to do what she wants etc. and through her experiences I think she has gained a lot of self confidence and ability to not rely on any one person. She is also very busy......has lots of commitments and a busy schedule. I am used to a girl chasing me more and making a strong effort to spend time with me. She certainly has done this to an extent, but the frequency of us "hanging out" is less as she has other commitments. This is a change for me.....yet I realize because of this side of her it is important for me to not come accross as needy. Even writing this has been of some help. I realize I am making too big of a deal out of this and that I should just take things as they come. It is frustrating having it on my mind so much so I would love to hear any opinions or advice. Thanks!
  3. permasmile
    Going golfing with my buddy tomorrow (just him and I) so I think I will take the route of "how would you feel if a friend of yours dated an ex". We shall see how it goes.
  4. permasmile
  5. permasmile
    So you wouldn't say "I had crazy monkey sex with your ex-gf and wouldn't mind doin it again.....that cool?" Thanks for the tip.
  6. permasmile
    Thanks all. I know she isn't doing this to get back at him. Well, I guess you can't ever say for sure, but I am fairly good at reading people and social situations so I am confident that is not the case. The fact he is getting married makes the logical side of me think it should be fine. However, it could anger him and make things awkward. I have a number of "circles" of friends, and he was the first I met in one particular group of friends I hang out with, so if things between us turned sour than it may hurt other friendships as well. I think I am gonna try to find a casual way to bring it up to see his reaction. Not by telling him what has happened but in more of a "what if" scenario. Also, I will play it by ear with this girl. If things keep developing and/or feelings continue to develop than at that point I may have to take the plunge. Otherwise it may not be worth risking anything.
  7. permasmile
    I have been struggling with this situation for the past couple weeks. One of my good friends dated a girl for 4 years. They broke up 2 years ago and he is now getting married in a month. He has never spoken to her since and he is somewhat immature so I doubt he ever will again. I have seen her out on the town a few times since they broke up as we are now both single. My friend is a couple years older and obviously is engaged so he doesn't go out as often. I always thought this girl was great.....attractive, full of energy, good conversationlist etc. I never looked at her in a "romantic" sense for obvious reasons. Well two weekends ago we were hanging out together as we ran into each other at the bar. I noticed she was being flirtatious and eventually she says a few things about how she is attracted to me, always though I was cute etc. Several drinks later she says she wants to come home with me. At the time this seems like a great idea. We both agreed that noone could find out about what happened. That it could put my friendship at risk. She said there was nothing wrong with staying touch and we exchanged emails and phone #s. Throughout the week she messaged me a few times....all fairly innocent with a hint of flirtation sometimes. So, Saturday night rolls around and we find ourselves in the exact same situation. Problem is that she clearly had feelings for me, and I also am interested in her. We have great chemistry, but I can't help but feel sad about the situation. We can't just keep going at it in secret, but I also value my friendship with my pal too much to put it at risk. At this point I feel as though I need to shove my feelings for her aside and cut of any contact that extends beyond friendship. A part of me though wants to find a way to be able to make it work without upsetting my friend though I am not sure if that is possible. Ultimately, I would love to hear some advice or if anyone has been in a similar situation. Thanks all.
  8. permasmile
    definitely not. A part of you wants to I'm sure. But it is far too soon. I urge you to avoid this outing. BOL
  9. permasmile
    1) I was too much to handle in bed 2) It was difficult for her to be with someone so attractive 3) My sense of humour often gave her stomach cramps Kidding aside..... 1) Lack of communication 2) Little effort in keeping the relationship interesting towards the end 3) Differences in perceptions in terms of career goals
  10. permasmile
    Your occasional relapses are normal. It seems like you have been doing the right thing and I am pleased to hear that you have healed greatly. I think it is normal to want to be with someone, and most likely until you find your next "special someone", you will have thoughts of your ex. Being in a relationship offers many comforts.......I suspect much of you misses being with someone as opposed to being specifically with her. Of course I am in an earlier stage of healing than you. However, I think the rational part of me knows I will get over this in due time. You know the same. Best
  11. permasmile
    I agree with you. I believe I am in the same boat. I miss having someone to talk to each day, someone to cuddle with, knowing someone is thinking of you etc. That isn't to say I do not miss her at all......obviously our ex's have good qualities. But in my case I am struggling with the idea of being single more so than not being with her.
  12. permasmile
    In your head, you know this guy isn't at a maturity level where he could have a healthy relationship with you. However, it is very easy for your thoughts to get clouded especially if there is contact between the two of you. In your situation, I would think maintaining NC, while reminding yourself that you are not to blame, is the best route.
  13. permasmile
    Congrats! I'm thrilled to see you have found happiness again. My only advice is to continue to look for things that make you happy outside of your life than her. Also, do not simply jump into it headfirst again. You do not want to appear too needy, and it is best if you make her "chase" you in a sense for a bit. I imagine right now all you want to do is talk to her, see her, hold her etc. However, I don't think it is a good idea for her to think she can simply have everything back so easily. Make sure she knows that you are a catch and that being with you isn't simply automatic.
  14. permasmile
    Thanks for the kinds words. There is a part of me that wants to do NC, but of course the side of me that hopes we get back together thinks I should continue to hang out with her. It is so tough to let go after having her in my life for so long. Last night was really tough on me. I saw her out at a bar, and we chatted it up for a bit. She was in good spirits and this time I was attracted to her. That whole night I thought about what I have lost and I had an awful sleep. This is a struggle. One day I fell one way, the next day my thoughts change.
  15. permasmile
    Thanks for the responses. The rational part of me must come to grips with the fact I am missing the idea of having someone, as opposed to truly missing her. I don't want to make it sound as though she is not a great girl...she is, but I do know she isn't everything I am looking for. It is tough when they do not contact you. My mind starts whirling about where they are if they are with another guy etc, but ultimately I guess it doesn't matter. We are no longer together, and we both must move on.
  16. permasmile
    My profile has a bit of humour in it, explains what I am doing in life (entering law school) and briefly touches on what I look for in friends. Any tips on what to include?
  17. permasmile
    I recently created a profile and uploaded a picture to two different sites. Since doing so, I messaged about a half dozen girls that I found attractive but only 2 have responded. I also have only received 2 messages from other girls. Just wondering if this is normal. I consider myself a good looking guy, but when a girl doesn't respond, I assume it is because they didn't like what they saw. A little shot to the ego I suppose. Just wondering if anyone has any experience on these sites (lavalife, pof etc). Cheers
  18. permasmile
    Things had turned somewhat sour. The passion had fizzled and the relationship had become somewhat dry. I believe this was both of our faults, as we didn't really work on the relationship (got lazy in a way). We both had felt a loss of romantic feelings so in a way, the breakup was mutual. She initiated it though, so I do have that feeling of rejection. I suppose it is natural to feel the way I do. I just need to come to grips with the single life and move forward. It really seems to be the thoughts of the possibility of her finding someone else that toys with me. I suppose I have to focus on the fact that I wasn't entirely happy with her, so even if that does happen, it is for the best. It is tough at times but I hope to grow from this.
  19. permasmile
    It is great to have this forum to read. I stop by almost daily and it does help. My gf of 4 years broke things off about a month ago and for the most part I have been ok. I think about it all the time. But the pain is not severe. I have not cried, nor have I had trouble eating and only mild sleep disturbances. I think this is because I know our relationship was not what I truly wanted and that although she is a great girl, she may not be "the one". We have hung out a few times. We got along great with little akwardness. A few signs of affection but nothing out of hand. The last time we hung out (last Thursday), I went home thinking about how I felt as though I was ok not being with her. That night we hung out, and nothing she did set me off, but I didn't feel the same level of attraction. I saw her as a cool girl, but I was not all that physically attracted or emotionally tied to her. It felt good going home with this feeling. I haven't spoken to her since. For whatever reason, this is bugging me. She typically would email, text or call about every 2-3 days. I think I am disturbed by the fact that she most likely feels the same way. I also am bothered by the thought of her with someone else (although not an intense as the beginning). I know she has some new friends, and although it is doubtful that she can magically meet someone to fill my spot so quickly, the thought of being replaced or rejected bugs me. I also seem to be suffering from a loss of self-esteem. I am typically confident, but recently I am a little down on myself when it comes to how the opposite sex perceives me. I need to snap out of this. I think at this point, I am missing having someone. Having that person you can speak to everyday and know how much you mean to them. For the time being, I am not comfortable being on my own. But I think I have slowly come to realize that she is not the girl I want to be with right now. I felt great Thursday through Saturday, but last night and today I have relapsed a bit. Any comments or words of advice would be awesome. Thanks all
  20. permasmile
    Thanks for the replies. There is certainly a part of me that thinks NC would be best. Another part of me wants to hold on to the hope. And another big part of me realizes the bu was for the best and that we will both be better off because of it. Since a rational part of me knows the breakup was a good idea and that the relationship was not going well, I tend to think that being friends might not be that hard. I do truly believe I am struggling with the thought of rejection as opposed to loss of her.....if that makes sense. Appreciate all the support. Funny how the mind can play tricks on you.
  21. permasmile
    Today I am really struggling with the fact that our relationship is over. I was with my ex for 4 years, and although at many points I was not entirely happy, I am struggling with the rejection. When we broke up, I really thought that I would be able to "win her back". I have hung out with her about 5 times since we broke up. I have not been contacting her often, and we have both initiated get-togethers. We talked about us once (she brought it up). I am trying not to show interest in her romantically and simply hang out and have a good time. There have been moments where I sense something from her....we kissed once and I have sensed attraction from her at times. However, yesterday that wasn't the case. She had a house party which was a good time. I was upbeat, funny....some could say the life of the party lol. I went to sleep around 2 (was drinking and didn't want to drive home). She woke me up around 6.....said she was just gonna watch a movie downstairs and pass out. I went downstairs to join her, but there was definitely no sign of romantic interest. In fact she seemed to make a point of lying down on the other couch. I think I was giving off signs of interest....something I have been trying to avoid like the plague. I understand that doing so will only make her uncomfortable. I am probably overanalyzing.....I had a good night but feel that the 10 minutes in the morning put me back a step. I do not want to appear clingy or as though I am struggling...or that I want her back. I quickly said I was fine to drive and was going home. So many emotions. I want her to want me. I also want to move on. And I also want her in my life even just as a friend as she is a great girl. I just wish I could stop the overthinking and the thoughts of getting her to feel for me again. At this point, I am not ready to go full NC. I am sincere when I say I want her in my life in some form even if not as a partner. However, I am planning on not making any contact with her in the next week. She may contact me, however I may simply be polite and friendly but say I have plans and can't hang out. Gives myself some space while also conveying that I am not needy or clingy. I want to not only move on for myself, but convey that I am doing so as well. That will be necessary for our friendship. Anyways, it helps to write out my thoughts. This is very tough for me. It is always on my mind. I don't feel pain, but rather feel rejected. I have those thoughts about never finding anyone else and feel lonely. I realize time will heal, and hopefully in the long run I will grow from this.
  22. permasmile
    I thought we could start a thread that consists of any tips or advice you guys and gals have for dealing with the struggles of a breakup. As some know, I am going through a recent breakup (initiated by my ex-gf) and am going through the ups and downs. I was with her for 4 years, and although I know that things were not going great, naturally it is still difficult. Although I could think of more, the two biggest tips I have off the top of my head are: 1) Exercise - I began working out again about a week before the breakup. Since the breakup I have made a point to get to the gym. It gives you a natural rush and helps to build confidence. On a more superficial level, won't it be great to have your ex see you in the future looking the best you ever had 2) Accept that things will work out for the best - This is a broad tip, so I will explain how it pertains to my situation. Our breakup was not caused by anything in particular, rather a fade in romance. Although I do believe we were both somewhat lazy in keeping the relationship strong, that is the past. At present, we are no longer together. A part of me believes we may get back together one day. If that happens, our relationship will be much stronger because of the time apart and the realizations we came to because of the split. We also will have had time to work on ourselves. This COULD happen. We could also never get back together. If that is the case, there is a good reason for it. In the long run, it will be better for both of us. The breakup presents difficulties for now, but I do not "need" to be with her, I simply have a desire to have her in my life right now. In the long run things will iron themselves for the better. This can also be applied to other situations....ex) your ex was cheating on you......hurts now but in the long run it is for the best as you deserve better. I am intentionally leaving other tips I could think of out as I hope to get others to participate. I find this board has helped me so far. It is good to hear others speak about how they feel and also to be able to express myself. I appreciate the support and hope that I can someday help others on here as well. Cheers
  23. permasmile
    I agree ith KellBell. It is tough when things go from great to nothing so quickly. Fortunately, it was an intense and shortlived fling. The excitement gave you a rush. However, the short timeframe will make it easier to get over. Take care and make sure to do things you enjoy.
  24. permasmile
    Accepting that you are "over" is a big step that you must take. The fact he is moving is most likely a good thing. It is hard being in the city constantly wondering if you are going to run into the ex. Try to push away thoughts of the two of you getting back together and work towards improving yourself. If you are like me, you are going through waves of emotions. At one time of day I might feel awful, at other times I feel as though it is for the best. Just remember you WILL move on.
  25. permasmile
    Not bad advice at all. There is a technique called NLP that I imagine you may have read about. Another technique is to disassociate yourself when picturing the memory. This means that you are not picturing the thought in first person, but from a distance.
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