joyce1412

thanks icemotoboy! i'll remember that quote and the analogy as well. i agree...what i am clinging to is the memory of what my relationship used to be, and how my ex used to feel about me. this is not reality anymore. reality is that he does not want me, does not want to love me. unless that front were to change, i should not want my ex back. i don't want my ex back under the circumstances of reality. i felt a little despair when i had no excuses left to see him, but then my outlook changed and i saw it as freeing because i didn't need to worry about planning or manipulating anymore. because, like i said, i should only want my ex back if he pulls a complete 180, realizes how much better life is with me in it, and desperately wants me back. and should this happen, he would obviously be moved enough to contact me...it's not an enormous hoop for him to jump through, he can do this on his own without my encouragement if he feels for me enough. and i think he probably knows that my heart is open to it.

thanks belle! you'd think that my friends, especially my seemingly sensitive girlfriends, would avoid exposing me to the world, but apparently that isn't so. they've revealed some unfortunate things i told them in confidence. too bad. i won't make the same mistake of being so openly emotional with them again. in fact, i'll simply tell them about all the fun i'm having and the guys i'm dating--use them to my advantage.

today was a hard day to endure. the last couple of days have also been hard. i've been a little bored, and all the time alone left me with alllll the time in the world to think about my ex. it's been two months since he broke up with me. i had been holding on for hope of reconciliation. i have not completely let it go yet. i did love him very much, and miss what we shared. but like i said, today was a difficult day. i posted on the "getting back together" board about something crappy my ex did the other day, which confused and hurt me as i never did anything to injure him--no cheating, no bitter fights, not even since the breakup, i have completely left him alone. fellow members told me it sounded like he was over me and moving on--ouch! i have not had anyone say that to me yet, all my/our friends had been telling me he is totally going to come back to me, that it will be a matter of months before he comes crawling back. it was a harsh dose of NO SUGARCOATING! a friend of mine also gave me some books today, the very last things of mine that my ex had (he gave them to a friend to give to MY friend to give to me--lame). it was like i could feel the scissors cutting the final cord right then. i have no excuses now, no reason to show up at his house looking cute to get my stuff back and show him "what he's missing." this is what i had decided the other day that i would do, since i hoped to reconcile and thought a cleverly planned, short meeting would spark something in his mind. not to be, though. later, i saw on myspace a number of pictures that were taken at a house party composed of mutual friends. a party i was not invited to, probably because my ex was there, or--what i fear even more--because they don't consider me a part of the group anymore. and finally, i was talking to a friend on the phone and wondered aloud what our mutual friends were saying about me, my ex, and the breakup. well, my friend told me that she DID hear people say things a few weeks after the breakup...she prefaced it by saying that in the future i ought to be careful about what i say to them. apparently, around a table of 9 or 10 people, MY FRIENDS discussed how i was "really depressed, really bad," and that i seemed like i was more "into" the relationship than my ex was. i felt so exposed to hear this, so betrayed...i like to be a very open person with my close friends, and to think that not only could i not be so open anymore, but that my vulnerability was revealed, was so hurtful. furthermore, all this was discussed after i had gone to a party with these people trying my best to be upbeat, fun, like my ex hadn't gotten me down at all. and to think, if what they said would get relayed to my ex...i would feel so pathetic. i don't know whether or not this feeling will last, but for the moment, i feel spurred to act. i am sick of this breakup having a grip on my life, and sick of feeling for this boy who so foolishly let me go. i want people to think that i'm happy and moving on, and i want to feel that way, not just act it. it is hard dealing with the thousands of reminders and people that trace back to my ex, but i cannot live like this. it hurts to move on, but this wasted life is just hurting me ultimately. at least for now, i am absolutely pledging to move forward, NC all the way--COMPLETELY. i need to stop holding my breath for this reconciliation, because i'm suffocating! the things that i do still have a hard time with? the imagining my ex with another woman (he doesn't have one now, but will at some point of course) and knowing that the last year and a half with this guy has no lasting meaning for my life, and that all the wonderful people and experiences that came along with him are as good as gone. try as i might, i am still overwhelmed by the velocity with which my life is changing, and where it is going.

I'm happy that I don't react to any of his attempts at gamesmanship. The old me would have tried to control the situation and would feel the need to tell him how it bothered me when he did something selfish or inconsiderate. I realize now that I have to treat him the way he's acting. Like a child. I won't respond to it and will move on. If he wants to act like an adult, great. But he won't get any emotional reaction out of me because I have nothing to lose. What I'm trying to say is that detachment is the key to getting more of what you want. The more I practice detachment, the less I honestly care about the result. I have faith that what's meant to happen will happen. If it's right, it will. It's looking more and more probable that it wasn't, the further I back away mentally yet keep him close. you seem to have a great attitude. good for you! i'm going to try to remember these words for myself. my ex has been pulling some LAME crap that i wanted to acknowledge--to say, "hey, quit it, jerk"--but what you wrote and what another poster wrote has inspired me to keep away, to hold my cards close to my chest, to not acknowledge someone who is being a little child. what you are doing is definitely the way to go. since you seem to have such an evolved, mature attitude, can i ask: do you and the ex have any mutual friends? and if so, how do you handle them? how do you handle talking about the relationship with them, if you do? thanks!

hahaha. thanks for that jenny, that made me laugh. yeah...it's not only that he's being a jerk, he's being a CONFUSING jerk! inviting my best girlfriend to his shows? creating a chain of people through which to return my things? HUH? what? i wish i had a crystal ball to figure out why he's being so lame and weird, but i don't. i hope he figures out soon what a ginormous tool he's being.

I think back to how I tried to get over my ex.. removing everything of his from my room and taking back all my things. My exs way was just cutting contact, and remaining distant. We're all just trying to deal,but save yourself some heartache and just go NC. Its the only way when someone behaves like that. I love my ex more than anything and I want him back, but no matter what you do it will be construed agaisnt you. Even if you want to be friends (something I initially wanted, but dont anymore) it wont happen now. Leave him alone, let him come to you. I realized, if im trying so hard and he isnt I dont want, need or deserve a person like that in my life. If he really loved me hte way he said he did (also my first love, first everything) then he will find his way back to me IF and WHEN he is ready... not sooner or later. All you are doing is pushing him away from you. Give him that chance to miss you, and if there really is anything there in him, you will see it with time (whether it is a friendship or more you want with him) lvlyldy, that was very helpful. thank you. you are certainly right that i should maintain NC. i agree. i would only break NC, if i was going to do it, to address this situation, as he's only deepening my pain by doing these things. i want him to put a stop to the careless disrespect and involving parties that should be uninvolved. it doesn't help that some of the people who were there when he so publicly handed over my things were people who were sort of jealous of me when i was in the relationship with my ex--their friend liked my guy so they were sort of prejudiced against me from the start. so that was a real dig at my pride knowing that he was like, "hey, everyone, here are the things belonging to that chick i dumped!" (not that he really said that, haha.) that detail in particular makes me feel very impotent...even though it doesn't matter anymore. argh. i just still feel rather humiliated by the whole thing. but about contacting him over this...i am so torn about what to do. because everyone says that you need to quit acting like a doormat--am i acting like a doormat if he is actively doing rude things and i say nothing? or am i going to look best if i just let it roll off my back and let it go? i just want to keep my head held high. it's hard for me, because i NEVER shut up when i feel as if someone has done something unfair to me. i always address the situation, because fairness is something i really value. for the record, if i were to contact him, it would be like, "thank you for remembering about my things. i will say that i would appreciate you leaving other people out of our situation. handing my things down through people we know and inviting my friends (namely tara) to your shows are things i find to be disrespectful." or some variation of that that sounds even less confrontational, if possible...i would just want to say that i heard about those actions and want him to act respectfully toward me.

agreed. the invitation to my friend was particularly rude only because she is MY (best) friend, not his. there's definitely no gray area on that. we've known each other since fifth grade, neighbors since then. they've only seen each other in person twice. so that was WAY uncalled for. i would NOT be calling up his best friend to come to my parties or something...no way!

definitely a bad idea i think. it will seem a little bit stalkery, especially the anonymous account. and when you're not into someone, having him basically dedicate a romantic song to you is pretty overwhelming. restrain yourself. sending her a short email (from YOUR account) asking her how she is would be preferable, though still not the greatest idea.

thanks for those replies. the good news: i'm certainly not thinking lovingly of him right now. but now i feel as if i SHOULD say something to him. i won't take any immediate action, i'll wait a week or two before saying something, but i feel disrespected. not only did he do this embarrassing thing in front of people we know, but a couple weeks back he also sent a mass text message invitation to my best friend, who lives in san francisco, asking her to come to his san fran show (he's a musician), even offering to put her on the list. needless to say, i have not been invited to shows. he seriously needs to leave my friends alone!! this is not even a hurt issue so much as a disrespect issue. do i have the right, and would it be wise, to contact him and say, "hey, i feel like you're disrespecting me, please leave my friends out of this." ??? you know, this is someone i poured a year and a half of my life into. i lost my virginity to him, i loved and trusted him completely. i thought he was a great guy, one of the kindest people i had ever met, and now he's doing this. he's pulled a complete 180. don't i at least deserve basic human decency and respect?

and to answer what babypink said: i've been TRYING to move on, although the dating didn't work out as well as i'd hoped and moving on is proving very difficult. i'm just trying to deal with a crappy situation as best i can by not letting it keep me from meeting people. obviously, if given the chance, i would want to try it again with my ex, which is why it hurts to hear that HE is moving on, as you said. i certainly wouldn't be dating it up if the person i loved wanted to be with me!

i can understand why you would all come to the conclusion that he's moving on...that hurts! anyone have any ideas as to why he has been a jerk to me? i just don't understand why he's acting like this when i've asked for so little, and given him all the space he needs.

Talked to her, she sent me a text message saying she needed someone to talk to and i told her I would be that for her. hmm. my advice would be to not go around saying a lot of things like that to her. don't offer all the goods you would offer if you were together when you are not together. but that's good that you kept the conversation short--leave her wanting constantly!

p.s. but isn't it a little nice to know that she feels the void you left? you're important to her, because you're important, period...don't forget it!

if you respond, i might at least wait a couple days until i was sure about what i wanted to say. because your first impulse is, "YES, GOD, let's talk again!" but, naturally, a couple days later you start to think, "um, how about no?" because the first thing you feel is your gut emotions, and later you get logical. so yeah, be very careful with your wording. one thing i could recommend: don't reassure her. no "i've missed you so much, yes, this is torture, yes, i'll always be here for you." let her feel that misery. let her miss you. the last thing you want to give her is security, because then she'll be getting it on both sides: in this rebound relationship and from you. and that is only going to make her continue to do what she feels is working, which is staying with the guy while playing you whenever she feels like it. pull out that security blanket!

oh, and on that note: is it common for the dumper to back off or get angry/bitter if he hears the dumpee is dating when he is not? i figured it would have the opposite effect...like, if anything, the dumper MIGHT re-think the breakup or get a little jealous. thanks.

i got bad news from a friend tonight. my ex had some things of mine that i had reminded him to give me a few weeks ago, but i knew he was busy so i wasn't pushy. i thought it would be a good way for us to be in contact again...we have only had necessary email communication since the breakup, and i thought this would be a good opportunity for pleasant in-person contact that might have him thinking positively or even lovingly of me again (we have not seen each other since even before the breakup--happened on the phone.) wrong. apparently, in front of a group of several people who know me, he gave my things to a friend of his to give to one of MY friends so that she could give it to me. he did this all without asking me or even NOTIFYING me to tell me what he was doing. i'm pissed, and sad. i have been nothing but nice since the breakup, which he called for two months ago after a year and a half of being together. (he travels for work, is gone constantly, and that and the problems surrounding that were basically the reasons for us ending, plus a little of the standard relationship problems you run into.) it's like pulling teeth to even get him to respond to my emails, which have only been polite ones about my things, not even relationship talk! and his responses are very cold, very "yeah yeah, okay" kind of responses. i just don't understand WHY he is being such a jerk...the breakup was not about anything offensive or wrong i had done, he acknowledges that he was the one who had a problem with the distance, et cetera. and i can't believe he embarrassed me like that, in front of people we know. my friend and i have gone over the possibilities of why he is acting like this--perhaps he has heard i've been dating a couple guys, and i also wondered if previously asking him to give an item of mine that i immediately needed to a friend instead of meeting in person hurt his feelings--but truthfully, he has NO REASON to be acting like this. he hurt ME! he dumped ME! i have only done what is necessary to aid my healing. he has no consideration for my feelings whatsoever, and that hurts, because i believe the dumper has the ability to sort of soften the blow for the dumpee by being a classy person post-breakup. he just doesn't care. and he said some VERY hurtful things in our last conversation, was really heartless...i had really hoped that he would think about what he'd said and try to shape up after that. after all, i'm out the door, after he confirmed that he indeed wanted to break up with me i took it well, have not called, have completely left him alone. so WHY am i being treated like a nuisance? hasn't he gotten his meanness out yet? well, kudos to you if you actually read this. i'm just angry right now, and sad, because i hoped my ex would be a better person...because i loved him then, i loved him now, and wanted to get back with him and continue to love him.

well, considering the information you've just provided, it sounds like you need to work on yourself. whether you can do that in a relationship or you need to be without one to grow, you have to decide. and if you truly think the problems in the relationship are due to your own flaws, make sure the both of you realize that--don't blame. good luck, don't do anything too hastily!

i think she's having a problem with finality. she doesn't want to give you your stuff back because giving your stuff back means it's truly over. so this could mean a lot of things, from she's just having a hard time letting go to she thinks she's made a mistake. whatever it means, i actually think it's a good sign for you--she's desperately avoiding the final actions of breaking it off with you. so yeah, why don't you just show up unannounced (this has the added benefit of you being able to look hot without giving her notice to do the same!) be really friendly, get your stuff back, the end. this will make a HUGE statement. can i make a suggestion? try to avoid the relationship talk. if you really need to get some feelings out, write them in a letter and keep it for two weeks before giving it to her. i've done that a few times and have always ended up keeping the letter. why? because although it was nice getting those feelings out, reality set in and i realized that giving this letter full of feeling to someone who was so willing to break my heart would be pointless, and would only make him feel like he had power over me. let's face it, she didn't love you because you always wanted to bring her down with relationship talk. she probably loved you because you were fun and sweet and cool. so show up at her door when she least expects it, and pull the rug out from under her by being the awesome guy she remembers, who isn't letting another person put a damper on his life and spirit. again--by saying little, you make a huge statement.

i don't think it's a great idea. you'd just be using the breakup as a way to re-negotiate anyway. why not work on it within the relationship? i think breaking up to get what you want when you desire rather minor changes is manipulative. also, your significant other will probably resent you for it. very risky.

she just said that it's a point now when she gets off of work, she's so stressed, that she's very sensitive toward people and that she's just afraid she'll go off on me real easily where she won't mean it. She works one job, mainly m-f 9am-1pm, and then her summer job all weekend, long hours, and during some days during the week. She's going to Indiana for four days, june 22-26, she said that summers are typically very busy for her, and that she's already made plans for a lot this summer. I did mention that I have been here, adjusting nicely to her being busy but at the same time saying I'd be here if she ever wanted to make a date to hang out, but she still wasn't for that. She's still pretty insistent that I'm not the reason she's doing this, that it's her. Even my mom agrees that this is definitely what's going on, she just needs the time so that all of this work-related stress will disappear mostly. I don't know what else to make of it, ya know? no offense, but it sounds like you just want people to tell you what you want to hear. a couple of us have given you a very objective view of your situation based on the details you've given, but you're not satisfied with it because we're not giving you a lot of hope...understandable. maybe she'll come back to you, maybe she won't, but i know i certainly wouldn't dump someone i truly loved no matter how many jobs i was working. being worried that she'll "go off on you" is a silly excuse. she is in command of her own actions. she's trying to place blame on things--her jobs, her apparently 'too difficult to control' emotions--to avoid blaming you or, more importantly, herself. it also might not be the best idea to tell her you'll always be there for a "date." that's just what she wants right now--to have you available whenever she wants you without making a commitment to you. do you really want to give her that? it's gonna be okay. just give yourself a little time and space and simply CONSIDER for your own good that she may never come back, and begin living your life accordingly.

It doesn't matter how many jobs someone works, if they genuinely have feelings for you they will keep you on the scene. It would seem to me that she wants to let you down lightly. I suggest you don't keep your hopes up too high for a future relationship with her. sorry to say, but i agree. i've heard that line used on other people and i just think it's a sorry excuse. sure, jobs keep you busy, but if you feel like you've got a great man in your life, that shouldn't matter. i know it's hard to hear that excuse, because she's feeding you a little bit of hope (i.e. "the situation might improve, her workload might lessen, then we can get back together!") don't you just wish people would cut out the bull * * * * sometimes? in your case i would strongly urge NC. you're still available to her, you'll still talk to her whenever she wants. so this way she can throw herself into her jobs but still have you around to cushion the fall when she needs support or affection. REMOVE YOURSELF AS HER SUPPORT SYSTEM. let her see what life is like without you. if she can truly handle that, if she's truly busy with her jobs and wants to devote herself to them completely, then you have to move on. you'll have your answer that she's just fine without you. this half-togetherness you have going is not helping either of you, but the one it's really hurting is YOU, because you have to have the evidence of no longer being "with" her right in front of your eyes while allowing her to indulge her selfish side in keeping you around for whatever she needs. NC--just do it!

i have to say, i kind of agree with johnathan. there are people who can rather immediately figure out for themselves that NO, my ex is not going to magically want me back, and now i'm going to deal with the fallout. those people, i'm sure, heal the fastest, are quickest to move onto the next thing/person. i am NOT one of those people. a few years ago, after being rejected by someone i loved, a close friend, for another girl, i spent months and months trying to figure out what had happened (the guy refused to speak to me and thus gave me NO closure, i literally hadn't a clue what he was feeling or doing). he was someone i was close friends with, had always had a strong bond with. now, he had never given me the lines like "maybe we'll be together in the end!" but i kind of thought this to myself anyway. our families are close, i knew he would always be in my life, and i figured the situation would right itself. i gave myself that hope that we could still be together, and released it little by little...the release being aided by the fact that several months later, i met someone new and fell in love. point being, i think it's kind of okay to have a little bit of hope, provided that you're not TOTALLY fixated on it, and are open to new people coming into your life. if i had rejected my new love because i wanted to dwell on my friend, i would have missed out on a wonderful year and a half-long relationship. and whaddya know...this friend who rejected me called me when i was happily with the new guy, wanting me back after realizing he was in love with me and not his other girl, who he'd dumped. and when we saw each other recently, two years after i was rejected, he once again found himself attracted to me, kissed me, and said that even after all these years, i still understood him better than anyone. the message: anything can happen in life. keep your heart open, don't rule anyone out (okay, unless they're REALLY terrible for you), but don't get stuck in the past, either.

ugh. what she's doing is horrible. in time, she's probably going to regret doing this. unfortunately, regret doesn't always make people come back. i wouldn't go on that camping trip. she's probably going to make you feel guilty for not agreeing to it, but it sounds like it would just be too hard. and if she tries to make you feel guilty, remember that she's the one who's throwing caution to the wind as far as keeping your family "together." maybe you can still get together for the sake of your son, like a lunch here and there, or a baseball game, but it would probably be best for your emotional state to keep the meetings short. she wants to play the field, see what she can find, while keeping you in the palm of her hand with all this (probably false) hope. that's a terrible thing to do. my one failsafe piece of advice: keep that backbone intact and remember what you deserve.

Depending on the kind of person your ex is Joyce, I suspect the NC was for both of you. It is what he wants and feels it is best for you as well. I know it stinks to have choices taken away from you but you cannot force a person to love you, it is either there or it is not. No point in stringing a person along and being miserable in the meantime. thank you for responding. yeah, i think i need to ponder that for a while. it's SO hard for me to understand because i've only broken up with someone when i simply wasn't in love, had never been in love with the guy. it was a short, distant relationship. i think i was probably genuinely upset about it for two, maybe three days. so yeah, it's hard for me to accept, because i know i'm a great girl for him. i also feel like, who the hell else is he going to find? he's never home, will probably not be home for a significant stretch for a very long time. who exactly does he think he will meet and have time to establish a relationship with? he's not exactly getting any younger. and i was pretty darn supportive. not a lot of girls will say, "oh honey, it's okay if you're gone on valentine's day!" plus, our mutual friends are probably doing me a disservice by telling me, "oh man, is he going to regret losing you!" "in six months, he'll be crawling back!" do i want to believe all that? OF COURSE! i think i'm a great girlfriend, a great girl, and i can't fathom why he wanted me to get lost. i am having a very, VERY hard time accepting that we are truly over, and that we may not ever be in each other's lives again. sigh. bad day? hell yes.

here's a question for you. my ex broke our year and a half-long relationship just under two months ago--a rather bad breakup, because unfortunately he was rather mean and cold about it although i didn't do anything significantly "wrong" to hurt the relationship. the main problem was the various difficulties of long-distance, because he's constantly traveling (he's a musician) and when we were having a SEMI-difficult patch in the relationship he broke it off. believe it or not, his last words to me were "good luck with the end of school and summer, and best of luck with life." wow. so mean. i figured we would never speak again. at the time of the breakup i was somehow composed enough to ask about getting back some things of mine that are at his place. he said he'd call me next time he was in town. i said, "i don't think that's a good idea. why don't you text-message me or something?" our only contact since then has been some minor text-messaging and emailing regarding my stuff, nothing more. when he got back into town, he sent me the text message and said "let me know if you want to meet up." instead i sent him a very polite email and directed him to drop the stuff off with a friend of mine. she said he looked TERRIBLE, physically and emotionally. a few other friends of his have confirmed that he's been rather miserable, especially when he's been back in town. he even had a birthday party and only five people came, two of those being his brothers. he was so cold in the breakup that i felt he would only be hurtful and detached if i saw/talked to him. but now i wonder, do you think he's keeping away because he wants to, or because he thinks that's what i want?