joyce1412

Unfortunately, this is a path we must go on our own. i agree with leigh. if someone is too young, too immature, too confused about her life, etc., sometimes she just has to forfeit her relationship if she can't fix her problems within one...and i'd say it's usually the case that a person needs to be alone to grow in the way that you need to. you must live in reality. even if you had decided to stay with your boyfriend and put your growth to the side, these problems would probably just rear their ugly heads later...and that would be even worse, because having invested that much more time in the relationship would make it that much more painful. of COURSE you're sad right now. try not to let your current emotions rule your decisions, because the few weeks after a breakup just FREAKING SUCK no matter what. you broke it off for a reason. that said, YOU broke it off with him. and--i say this lovingly--you can't throw yourself a pity party for too much longer, because you were the one who made this decision. leave him alone for a while, don't try to butt into his life while he's in pain and likely angry with you. let sleeping (and pissed-off) dogs lie. you're not welcome in your ex's life at the moment, just try to understand his point of view and accept it.

i think i'm going to agree with the comment made earlier by (i believe) jenny mcs. first you tried to break it off with your ex, now you're expressing firm intent to leave the country. no wonder your ex feels weird about getting back with you...you keep sending mixed signals, and why should he get back with the person who has already hurt him when her ability to be in a relationship with him isn't even a sure thing because she wants to leave? you've just put too many roadblocks in the way. you're trying not to be too available, which is a good thing, but you're expecting this person to reach out to you and tell you not to move after he's already been discouraged by your lack of confidence in the relationship. it's just a whole lot to ask of him, especially because he's 1. a man and 2. stubborn/prideful. also, there are probably other discouraging factors for him, such as the depression you're currently experiencing, even the fact that you took up smoking again. for your ex to get back with you he has to feel like you, and thus the relationship, will be stronger than before. and it sounds like you've only gotten weaker and less confident. this doesn't help. i'd suggest taking away the roadblocks that are between you. for example, you really AREN'T SURE you want to leave the country, are you? so just say that you're leaving your career options open, and one of those options is leaving the country. that's honest, right? do your best to get happier, try to drop the cancer sticks. you want to convey to all that you are becoming a more stable person. and try to send signals to your ex that are as consistent as possible. i know you're fretting about all the things that are going wrong now, so take the energy you were/are using in being worried and throw it into something more positive.

I am somewhat against the current here. I feel it is a great time for total honesty. Ask the questions you want to know. Figure out where each other is at and how things have changed. well, that's true. if you must ask, ask now. because if it's going to change your feelings about the relationship, best to figure this out ASAP.

i'm sorry you're in pain right now. that's a truly difficult situation to love someone but feel like you can't stay together, and to know that it's possible he may move on. however, are you sure you're in love with this man? you thinking about your old ex is a warning sign. how does your ex (current one) feel about the situation?

So now I'm utterly confused. I cut contact with the ex on Tuesday after calling him out on his poor behaviour towards me.. but then my ex contacts my dad and chats about his life on IM for 20 minutes? I know people have offered that he may be using them to wiggle back into my life - but why does he need to go through them when I'm RIGHT HERE and he's chosen to cut ties with me again? Does he hate me? Why has he cut contact with me again? Why genuinely act like friends one week and then ignore each other the next? I didn't do anything in between... and why contact my father like this? If he's done with me (ignoring me etc.) then why continue contact with my dad? i'd be willing to bet he knows he's making you crazy and is loving the thought of it. sad, but probably true. if i remember correctly you were the first one to suggest breaking up, and moved away from him...and he probably wants to make you suffer for it for a while. just relaaaaax as much as you can. seriously, it's my belief that our exes have a sixth sense that allows them to feel when you're starting to genuinely not care, and at that moment they pounce, and make a move to get closer to you. like extreme murphy's law! also, you might feel better if when you choose to contact him you do it in a method that doesn't demand an immediate response. yeah, maybe when you were with your ex he always responded immediately...but he's not with you anymore, and he probably wants you to be acutely aware of the fact that you chose (at one time) to not be with him. if you feel like contacting him, try an email, and don't make it a simple "hi...just checking in" kinda thing, or ask too many questions, because again you're asking for a response, and that's giving him another opportunity to reject you. you can also try a short phone call, and if he doesn't pick up leave a nice message. the IM you sent him sounded kind of awkward anyway...don't make contact deliberately awkward, make it fun. also, have some sort of PURPOSE in your contact...not "oh hey, can i pick this or that up from the apartment," but more like "hey, this website is fricking hilarious, i thought you'd like it, here's the link. take care!" don't make too many of these contacts, you don't want to overwhelm him. but make them pleasant, and don't put yourself in situations where you can get your feelings hurt. leave a message or send an email with the expectation that it could be ignored, and you'll just be pleasantly surprised when he answers back.

that's great news, man. i'd love to be in that place right now. you're right where you should be.

that sounds like an answer you probably don't really want to know... it is important to discuss, however, if you've slept with other people. you could ask him to please get tested for STD's if he has had sex. and if you prefer not to know the answer, you can tell him to keep his partners to himself, that he doesn't need to tell you as long as he gets tested. if you have slept with other people, definitely do the same. i agree with blindreepr in that you should probably only discuss it if the information will get back to each other some other way. it would probably kill you inside to know. i remember my ex vaguely discussed his girlfriends before me and it made me burn with jealousy even though they were together before he had even met me...it's just hard to think of the person you love with another, plain and simple.

well, i that know since my breakup, i've been a bit of a spendaholic. i'm like a kid in a big, glittery candy store when it comes to shopping. i've also become dissatisfied with things that weren't that big of a deal to me before...smaller things than a house, like wanting a brand-new bed, and new furniture. i guess you could say i've also felt an urgent need for a domestic makeover. i also found out about a week after i was dumped that i would need to move to a new apartment. i have one lined up to move into mid-august, and i'm just DYING to get there. i can barely wait long enough. i'd been with my boyfriend as long as i've lived here, and EVERYTHING reminds me of him. i consider the change a positive thing, and i would have had to make it regardless of whether or not i was still with my ex. but i'm just trying to say that i understand the desire to make impulsive decisions, to make extreme changes in your life. i feel stuck in a rut in this place. buying a house is a great thing, but i might wait on it, just for a little while, especially if you would need to take out a big loan or something. i'd hate to see you saddled by making payments on it for a trillion years, especially if you're not truly in love with it. you wouldn't want to be sitting in the living room of your future home a year from now, unhappy with your place and thinking, "damn, why did i let my feelings for that jerk rush me into this?" in the meantime, maybe you can change things around in your current place. rearrange your living room or something. i did it, it helped a little. i guess that's the safest plan. sit on the idea for a while. and don't buy a house to avoid this dude, he doesn't sound like he's worth the trouble.

Has anyone not had solid closure with an ex but was able to find closure as time and NC went on? Or was there an eventual contact where things were sorted out once and forall? i always speak of "closure" with a tone of irony because it means something different to everyone, and usually what you think you want in terms of closure you never get. i have never really had an amicable end to a relationship, but they have all had different amounts of "closure." one time i had a guy just cut me off without a real explanation, and didn't have the opportunity to even speak with him about it for 9 months. my most recent relationship had a slow death, with my boyfriend wavering for about a month, and HOURS and HOURS on the phone, me begging and bargaining and him trying to tell me what he thought had gone wrong. then he finally broke it off and we didn't speak for over two months (finally just had a conversation a week ago). honestly, even though the latter relationship should have left me with more closure, i didn't feel any less lost, devastated or confused. the hardest thing in the world to understand is why someone doesn't want to be with you. and in this relationship, the more information i asked for as to why it didn't work, the more pain i put myself through, as he blamed everything on me and other things out of my control. the way i see it, the relationship somehow wasn't working for him and we were both flailing around searching for logic and a tidy ending, and we couldn't find them. when i dumped someone else, even i had only the slightest clue as to why i wanted out. it took months figuring out why i just couldn't love the guy. and the only way i knew to explain it to him was to say that i "wasn't ready for a relationship," which was totally not the case, i just didn't have another explanation. i didn't give the guy a lot of closure to work with, but it was because i just couldn't. and i ultimately did blame a lot on him, not to his face but in my head. we went out two and a half years ago, and it's only recently (with all this breakup-centered thinking) that i was willing to acknowledge my own shortcomings. i suppose since you and your girlfriend ended things mutually you might be able to have a "rational" discussion about what went wrong at some point, but i think for at least a few months after the breakup both parties are too close to the situation to get a hold on where they went wrong. the coming months will bring you a lot of clarity. however, even if you do try to discuss things with your ex eventually, you both might have found answers that you'd rather not say or hear.

hey man, let me just say i TOTALLY feel you on the pain involved with mutual friends. our "mutual friends" were all basically people who had known him first, so i was left with the feeling that they were "more" his friends than mine, no matter how much time i'd spent with them. now i think those guys are great, and it's a shame because i thought i had made some really close girlfriends. and no matter how cool they are post-breakup, it can be heart-wrenching to hang out with them. i made the choice for myself to deliberately distance myself from them, probably for a long time. but i had to make a lot of mistakes with it first--for example, i went with THREE of them on a road trip that was supposed to be for clearing my head and forgetting about the breakup. pssshh...needless to say, that didn't happen. i poured my heart out to them, and unfortunately, i came to find out they repeated some of the things i told them in confidence to others. not to mention it was simply hard to see them because i KNEW that they had information on my ex, some bad and some good i'm sure. i couldn't bear that they somehow had insight into the person that i once knew so well, and that they knew things that could damage me. so yeah, i'm taking a good, long break, and reconnecting with friends i had before this relationship. i know it might sound severe to lose those other friends, but this time away has been WONDERFUL. the people i've been spending time with are friends who know "me" and not the "us" of me and my ex. i know they have my back and could care less about my guy. plus, i'm never tempted to ask them how my ex is, and they'll never be able to tell me about any girls my ex might be involved with. why? because they don't know! and ignorance is BLISS until you're emotionally ready to handle the hard information like that. i might suggest you do the same, and if mutual friends want to know why you haven't been around, just say you've been really busy. when someone disappears for a while people usually just assume that about them anyway. more importantly, when you do see them, be very mysterious about what you've been up to, don't give away too much because your ex will hear it ALL. best of luck in this time, i know how difficult it is when you're always running into people and places that remind you of her. i hope you get your closure, too. let us know how it goes.

did you make the plans to return each other's stuff before you made the plans to go out with your girlfriends? if so, the classy thing to do would be to keep your appointment with him. i know he's not your favorite person right now, but be fair.

My guess is, to best increase your chances, take note of the ugly habits you have developed and lets see if we can eliminate them. What ugly habits have you developed? i think this is absolutely, 100%, ALWAYS the key in getting into any kind of healthy relationship, whether it is the first time or a reconciliation. i wholeheartedly agree! the only thing is, i don't know how to make my progress VISIBLE to my ex. i'm a pretty modest person, i don't like to toot my own horn. i hate people who brag, and i avoided that even in the relationship. also, my ex and i have pretty much had NC. this is changing because we have agreed to meet for coffee next week, but i plan on continuing NC after that for my own healing. so i don't know how the heck he's supposed to understand that i really HAVE been taking control of my life and making it so much better! for example, he had a problem with the fact that i had strained relationships with my family. i took his words into account, and honestly? my relationships with them have improved tenfold, i kid you not. but i don't know how to make this known without being obvious. he knows that i know this was a big issue for him, so if i were to say, "oh, my mom and dad are soooo great, we're getting along so well!" it would be super obvious and appear manipulative. it's hard because i just don't know what kind of "relationship" we are going to have after this meeting either. anyone have any suggestions for this type of situation?

thanks need2bme. i'm really trying to search my heart to see if i can wait that month. also, if i end up deciding that i don't want to meet at all, after already telling him, "oh, let's not meet wednesday, let's meet this date," i'm going to feel stupid. i'm not worried about not being able to be with him in a loving manner, i can say with certainty that he's going to be distantly friendly. he will not be giving me much to work with. a friend talked a little bit of sense into me last night, saying that EVEN IF my ex and i could get back together right now, we would have learned nothing and we wouldn't be winning anything. if it is ever to happen, it will not happen for a long time. it makes sense, because i always felt that doing the things that are suggested on these boards for "getting back together" didn't really apply to me and wouldn't work with him. a long period of soul-searching will probably benefit both my ex and myself...

i agree with frisco, don't show anything. i hope this doesn't compound your nervousness, but listen...this is the guy who used to see you naked on a regular basis. he knows if you're not acting natural...unfortunately. so don't give him anything that lets him know where you stand or how you feel. it will frustrate the sh*t out of him!

...ironic that i'm here asking you all what to do again, isn't it? ah, i just can't stop myself, how i love enotalone.

well, if by "worked" you mean it made my mind go atwitter and had me all out of whack when i went to work...then yes! it's partially my fault, i tend to want to consult several people when i have issues in matters of love and relationships, and i get so many different answers that it sends me spinning.

thanks frisco. and thanks for not giving me the hard line for once. HAHA.

just be respectful and firm. that's all you need to do in these situations. my mom always says, "you never regret being a classy person." it's true.

i'll try to keep it short. ex and i dated for a year and a half, broke up about 2 1/2 months ago. i recently broke the complete NC i'd been doing since the breakup to speak to him about meeting for coffee to talk. i told him it would be a good idea if we could clear up any remaining bad blood between us. he agreed very easily, he said he had been waiting for me to contact him until i felt comfortable. why did i ask? i was looking for closure. not the "why did you dump me" closure, but he had done some disrespectful things since the breakup and i wanted to address them. since we broke up on the phone i also thought it would be a good idea to see him in person to make the breakup "real" in my mind. at least after the meeting i would have no more excuses to dwell on the matter. but i've realized i'm not done hoping for reconciliation. so this meeting could benefit me by allowing me to say my piece and accept the end...or it could hurt me by letting me perpetuate the idea of reconciliation. we're supposed to meet on wednesday, but to make matters more complicated, he's only in town for a couple days and may not have time because of work constraints. in that case i would have to wait another month until he came back into town. again, having to wait could be a blessing because i could sort things out in my head...or it could just mean that i'd be a month behind on my progress. i felt really strongly about having this meeting at one time. perhaps i'm just having a weird day, but now i almost wish i hadn't opened up this can of worms by asking to meet. what is ultimately going to help me most in the end, and how can i be sure?

netguy--i don't know if that's a belief you should subscribe to, for the sake of your emotional health. sounds like you might keep yourself holding onto something that's gone a lot longer than you really should.

You have to accept the fact that the relationship is over, even if he does come back, it is no longer the same relationship. And if he doesn't come back, you have accepted the end of the relationship and moved on. It's a win-win situation. excellent point. i think i was/am having a hard time because i was initially using NC to get him to come back, not to focus on me. but even though i've stopped holding strongly onto the illusion of him coming back, i am re-hashing the breakup in my mind or thinking about him for hours a day. i continue to have a hard time "focusing on myself"...the emotional trauma of the breakup has taken its toll, and i'm definitely in a great period of transition. maybe it's murphy's law, maybe it's because your ex has noticed you moving forward, but it does seem that the most obstinate exes come back after you've moved on and given up. belle, do you say you want to be "over them if they do" because you would want to make an informed and decision about them, or because you shouldn't want to be with them anyway? from reading your posts before i have a feeling you're thinking the latter...

hallelujah! i'm soooo glad you did this. you are so strong. and look, you were worried about what people were going to say to you...now you've even got HIS family on YOUR side! despite the crappy breakup, you couldn't ask for a better outcome: you win, he loses. the end.

i agree with the first half, but the second, not so much.

i've realized it's never too late to apologize if you did something lame. most everyone will eventually accept your apology if you're sincere and are not trying to get something from them. i think they will appreciate it. i also agree with the others about not being too specific as to why you can't administer the site anymore. "it kills me to see your daughter's name!" should not be in the letter. again, treat it as business, you being professional will be appreciated as well.

Last night while picking up my things from ex house, he tried to put me down and made smart remarks. I simply listened and kept my composure. He was annoyed and pissed off, but he thought he was going to get a rise out of me and it didn't happen. ladyj, good for you!!! brickchamp, if you're really that freaked out, you can totally NOT GO to this party or whatever it is. you could make up some fabulous plans with someone else--or, better yet, MAKE fabulous plans with someone else and actually do them--and skip out. if it hurts you so much, it simply isn't worth it. i made an appearance at an old ex's party a couple weeks after he totally cut me off without explanation, as yours did. not only did he freak out, he refused to speak to me. it was embarrassing for all. now your ex probably knows that you're coming, i made a sneak attack myself. but your ex is like mine, simply cut you off, so he's already shown you that he wants to avoid you at all cost. if you have good reason to believe it could honestly blow up in your face, save yourself from the heartache and face him when you're ready. this same ex i speak of saw me about seven months after this when i showed up to his cousin's house (we're best friends) at thanksgiving. i didn't stress about having on a fabulous outfit, i tried not to stress at all, really. i showed up, was polite and made nice with everyone, including the jerk. a month later, he was knocking on my door, telling me what an idiot he was. point is, i was ready to see him then. i had zero expectations, but i kind of knew it would have an effect on him. and i wasn't relying on the smoke and mirrors of nice makeup and clothes, i simply felt good inside and had my strut back. clearly, he could tell. you can see him now, but you can also wait on it and no one, NO ONE, would fault you for it, and you might just be glad you waited. your call, girl! good luck!