Hernj62

She probably thought she knew her sons dad too.... and she still ended up by herself. You've ben together for 5 years, no real commitment? Marriage? But you want a child. You must understand that in our eyes, (females) unless we are alcholics or abusive or drug attics, 99% chance, WE are the ones that take full responsibility of the child if anything goes wrong in the relationship. And I doubt it that you are just her kids friend. If you really have been around for 5 years, I'm sure he looks up to you in a much different way than a friend. And if you're planning on sticking around, you will feel like a dad. B/c you would be the one helping him build a strong character. You would be considered to be the ultimate role model. And that has to be rewarding. If you love this woman, you would accept that. I wouldn't recommend leaving her b/c I think all middle age women are skeptical to bear a child. So what if you do leave, meet somone who does consider having a child with you, and then another 5 years go by... then what? Time is an essance. And time is what she probably wants. Shes probable thinking "God another 18 years?" That one kid will be enough for both of you to handle! HAHA. You still have at least 11 years of watching over. Thats a long time. And really after that, you both are in the clear. That's such a great advantage. It seems like to me you can have the best of two worlds but you're the one being stubborn. Think about it. An altimatum with this type of situation is REALLY harsh. You're making her choose under pressure, a lifetime commitment and a lifetime change. I mean marriage..yeah you can divorce. Smoking...yeah you can quit and live a lil longer, but having a kid....you can't fix that. Put yourself in her shoes. Seriously

All of you guys are great! What great advice I'm getting. With all my heart I thank all of you. I will take action. The thing is... well I feel like it is unethical to just kick him out ina day w/o notice. Even though its not his apt. I mean he has had plenty of opportunities to save up all his money, say F you, i'm doing what I want and then leaving. But he doesn't do that. We both live check by check. I'm in college, 19 hes 26. He doesn't have such a great job. I know at this very moment he has maybe 50 dollars to his name. No bank accts..nothing. I know he is not the one for me but he has helped me financially when needed. All the time. Hes always spent money on us. Sometimes its for the wrong things but he's never held out on me. Money flies all over though with both of us. So since necessary bills aren't paid, I feel like he isn't helping but in all actuality, he does help. So Morally, I couldn't force myself to go to the police just yet. Because if the police says you need to get out this weekend, regardless if he's a big boy or not, I could never live with myself. I know I still love him and this will be our last and final fight but I'm just not that mean where I can easily screw someone like that in a heartbeat w/o emotion behind it. So I'm thinking... should I stay with my friend for a week? And at the end of this week warn him the cops will be involved? Make the phone call, tell them what's happening. Have them call him if he hasn't found a place yet and then they tell him he has to get out in 2 weeks? 1 week? I mean thats reasonable. Right? God I feel so bad. Where we live is so expensive. Its hard to find an inexpensive place to live. I mean that 3 weeks of pay... I worry about it. Its one thing if I knew he had the funds to move, but he doesn't. And if i kicked him out, he'd really be on the streets. And with all that he has done for me, I just couldn't be that cruel. Ya no? And so if this is enough time... or to much time please share your thoughts. Also if this is agreeable with people who have been so kind to write me back through the afternoon. do you think when the cops notify him that he needs to leave within ____, would it be a ok if I went back home? I mean the cops know what's up already and I would tell my landlord if he hears anything, not to hesitate to call the police. I mean 3 weeks is a long time. And the only reason why I'm asking about that is because I hate to intrude on my friend. Shes going through stuff too. And I can't stay at my Moms house, she lives an hr away and her husband was the original abuser so I'm not comfortable being in that house.

Kweenofdenyl-When you wrote "How lucky is this guy- he's got 2 people looking out for him (you and himself) while you have no one looking out for YOU." You made me really think! Nobody has put it so blunlty like that. I understand about the abuse and everyones concern on that tip but you're right! I do look out for him and he looks out for himself too. He's emotionally and physically hurting me just so he has a warm and fluffy pillow to sleep on at night! I'm not even looking out for myself bc if I were, i would've done something sooner and I haven't. This would be alot easier for me if everytime i thought about him good or bad, I don't get this ache in my chest and stomach. I already miss him. I need to make myself feel disgusted by what hes doing and thats so hard when my feelings are still so strong.

Some guy 282--- You are awesome! You have made your points clear...so clear that I have no response! I think everyone is right and I really do appreciate everyones perspective. And when I'm more emotionally stable, I will do the "impossible" for me! I think the major problem is that I don't give myself a chance to really think it over. I always feed into his apologies and hugs and love he throws my away so my anger alters into love back and then I tend to forget until we have a repeat. This time I'm not going to speak to him, see him or read his texts, listen to his Voice mails.. nothing. People are calling me an idiot for letting him have his way by letting him have my apt but I feel like I need time to really stick through my decision. I'm the type of person that would back down in the middle of the cops being there bc of his sad and hurt face. I need to be strong about this. So i left last night, and I'm now staying at a friends house near by. I feel like he knows whats happeneing and at this point I am a little shaken up that he won't let me leave the next time. This isn't being idiotic right? This is being smart. Right?

blender-the advice that you said to speak with a female officer is good advice. Whether or not I have the guts to go through with it? I don't know. You're telling me that I can't change him. Why do I feel like its a stage that he'll get over. We are great with eachother when we're not fighting about something stupid! I've never had so much fun and been so comfortable with someone. He is the first person I've lived with so I'm soooo scared with the outcome. I'm so scared that I'll never find someone that I can click with. He has brought out so many good things in me and has always been supportive with my decisions and feelings. He takes care of me emotionally..and it seems like he does care alot about me! Avman-you are so right that he doesn't respect me but I feel like I'm going into an unfamiliar world full of lonliness leaving me trapped inside with no life, just soaking in my tears that hold sorrow. Ever since I was younger I based my life around relationships. The guys family, the guys friends. I never built my own life. Because of that I feel like an outcast. I feel like now its toolate to do so because at this point of peoples lives, everything is all set. They have their man or or their women, they have their set friends, they have their activities and their job. I'm very scared to let go because almost a yr ago I got pregnant and because of that, well my ex ran. And even though I had an abortion, I thought I'd never find someone that will love me again. And 2 weeks later, the one guy that showed me the slightest bit of attention....well... here I am. Everyone- I'm hurting so bad and even though I know this is a horrible situation, I'm so hesitant because I;m so afraid that I will never be happy again. Putting things into different perspective: Taking a risk of feeling happiness.... or knowing that there will be days where your heart will be filled with joy and other days where you feel depressed. Don't you guys know where I'm coming from? Has anyone experienced such pain and confusion?

Hold old are you? You threw me off when you said the past 18 years I haven't had sex. But then you said you never experienced sex. So are you 18? You said you were in college right? I'm asking because that is a HUGE factor in your problem.

I feel like you are making up excuses for him. If he is going through something as painful as that, he shouldn't be involved with any type of girl and expect a sexual relationship. He should be mature enough to realize that it is wrong. Some people handle their problems differenlty. And it seems like to me, the way he is coping with his bad feeling from a painful experience is to have the amazing feeling sex has. So everything balances each other. And he unfortunately picked you as his victim. To lose such an innocence you kept sacred for 2 years by a guy that has issues, can't take responsibility for his actions, or live up to his kind words, is a waste of your time. I know it hurts and you are confused, but this guy might never wake up and realize you're a good thing.

I understand and appreciate everyones concern, but he doesn't abuse me intentionally. You see, I've been physically abused before for a long time. Broken bones and all...and this is not physical abuse! When we fight, he tries to hold me down, or holds my face. When we don't fight, any sort of touching is acceptable but when in a heated argument, I become very deffensive when he makes those actions. Its very threatening! And I start to fight back. And instead of him realizing my distress and emotional and physical pain, he fights back harder! Even though its just pushes and holding, a mans strength compared to a womens, isn't comparable! And I have during fights, have told him calmly to stop touching me and he flips out and says NO! He needs to get his way even if he knows I'm bruising in the process. I feel so bad to go that extreme. For the first time in a long time, I thought I found somebody that would respect me and not use me! And I've never been alone before. For 5 years, I've been in consecutive relationships....what will I do if he has no choice to get out. What if I come to my senses, and i think I made a big mstake? What if he never accepts my apology? I'm not that strong. I'm not that much of * * * * * either but it is getting worse. I just wish there are better ways to go about it! I love him dearly. Why does he have to touch me? Because of my past, my reflexes and nerves react different from others. He calls me a lunitic! I feel like one too when we fight for hours. He also doesn't have a car or the money to get his own place! He has alot of stuff at my apt! How is he going to get rid of it in one day and where is he going to go? I still care about him alot and I worry about his well being. I can't help it!

My relationship with my boyfriend for the past few months have been rocky to a point where I left my own apt to get away from him. I signed a lease in aug for 1 yr and my landlord accepted that he needed a place to stay. It was only supposed to be for 1 month. Its now March! We fight all the time. For a long time he's had his belongings in storage but recently just moved it into my apt. He swears that he wants to live with me. I however disagree bc his stuff is still in boxes and everything is all over my living room floor! Since Aug, I've been telling him that he needs to find his own apt. He'd yes me to death and I'd be the one looking, calling, making appts! Not him! I also told him that all i asked from him was to pay the cable bill which is 120 a mo. That hasn't been consistent either. Our fights keep getting worse and sometimes leads into a PHYSICAL DISASTER! I bruise very easily. He's very controlling and he won't leave. So last night I left and I'm not planning to come back until he leaves. But I feel like that is so unfair that hes walking around in my apt all comfortable and I have to intrude on a friends privacy. He won't give in. Not even for a night! I still love him but I don't want to keep getting hurt. Should I take it to the extreme and file a police report that he's tresspassing? My landlord would be more than happy to back me up. He knocks on my door every week to see if I'm still alive! He doesn't want him living there either. And he still won't leave! Do I have a choice? I mean I want my apt back! Any thought would be appreciated...

I've done that in a relationship before. It wasn't the smartest idea because he reacted the same way you are right now..all panicky and paranoid, and hurt. The reason I did it...the guy couldn't get me off...BUT i really cared about him and sex to me in that relationship felt good. It was all equaled out becasue everyhting else was fantastic that I didn't really care whehter or not I got mine. I thought it was just me too... but it wasn't. It was him. And in the end, he cared about it more than I did. You should ask her if she's gotten one before and take it from there. Don't be upset that she lied to you though. She was protecting you and trying to save the relationship as a whole. But it is better to be addressed bc not having a healthy sex life for BOTH of you can lead to destruction in other areas. So good luck. And I'm sure you guys will be fine.

Hunny, my boyfriend and I get along too...but I don't think you understand how much of the atmosphere really changes when you move in with someone. You and your boyfriend are going to have difficulties. Every couple will go through it. And expenses plus work plus boyfriend, plus you plus boyfriend trouble...PLUS HIS FRIEND!? I wouldn't do that to myself. You need to tell him that even though it financially makes sense, he is putting your relationship in a volcano that can explode any minute. Forbid he takes your side of an argument and then they aren't friends anymore. Do you want to live with the guilt that your love lost a friend bc of you? What if it was the other way around and your boyfriend loses you? Then what? A lesson to be learned? Then "Iguess it wasn't meant to be!" NOOO. Friends being roomates is one thing, couples and some guy you only met once? Your're CRAZY! I think your boyfriend is being very selfsih that he won't let you have a say in this matter. What would happen if you say well I'd feel more comfortable with my girlfriend moving in with us? Would he agree to that? Think bout it. Don't let this slide, its to important. Beat the stubborness outta him.

Sorry about that... But did you ever for once think that it might be her, not you. I mean obviously this girl has issues for letting go of someone who cared about her. She's playing games, and you're not. And you know what, you'll be the one laughing over her head when her new "F#@ck buddy" tells her to go to hell bc he found a better P*^^*(MEOW). I'm tellin ya, girls that date guys for that reason are with guys that only wants the same. No meaningful relationship, no love, no trust. So she soon will be kicked to the curb! So heads up. You'll be fine

yup.... you can get your bartending license at age 17 but can only work in a bar at 18... this male club was an 18& over club but had male strippers....It was almost like a performance. This girl I went to school told me about it. They put on a show and celebrate bachlorette parties, birthday parties etc and whoever has never been there before doesn't know whats going to happen. THey think its like a comedy show. Except these Hot {mod edit} guys come out and start dancin all over you. LOL. It was fun but like I said I was only tryin to prove a point.

Its odd how people can be so manipulative. They percieve to be one way but in the end they are not that person all along. You are fortunate that this guy came out of his shell before you got really attatched to him. He seems controlling and psycho. Don't pick up his calls, stay a good clear distance from him. I'm 19 and my BF is 26 and you're right, he is NOT supposed to act like that. I wouldn't take this situation lightly. Be careful and take action if you really feel uncomfortable. Bc that is sexual harrasment. Good luck and be safe

I do agree with all the replies...But...I don't agree that you should be making all these plans for both of you. The beautiful thing about a relationship is doing things that make both of you happy. Maybe try picking out a list of things to do and asking him to do the same and then together once a week decide which thing you want to do. Whether it be go out to a movie or go out to eat or even take a walk. Something else besides sleeping and being bored. Theres so much to do in so little time, don't waste your life away and make him help you. Take initiatve but stop when it gets to the point where you're the only one trying. He needs to try too. He needs to want to go out too.

You know what? I did almost the same exact thing! My guy worked at a strip club for 2 years. I met him in the last 6 mo he worked there. He wasn't a stripper, but a DJ at a strip club. So he not only was watching these girls, they were dancing to his music and making requests with their {mod edit} in his face! Now I'm under 21 so I couldn't go in and see what the hell was going on but every night he'd come home and I'd feel horrible. I'm not unatractive but I'm not stripper material; whatever that is. I asked him several times to find another job bc it was uncomforable for me. He disregarded it, so I went out and got a bartending job at the hottest MALE strip club. I wasn't serious. But I wanted to prove a point like you! It lasted 1 week before he put his 2 week notice in. My boyfriend needed a demonstrated...so did yours and it seems as if you kinda want him back since went to such extreme measures to prove your point. It seems like you still cared about what he thinks and maybe had some hope that he would feel your pain and back off on his dirty habit and realize you are a good thing. And if you do feel that way, and not even that demonstration made him wake up...then leave it be. Leave it how it is now, and walk away for good. No more cheating, no more games. Just walk away and find someone that'll respect you. But I do think you did what you had to do just like me so I hope the best for you.

Elektrahere...see I don't want to do that to him. And I don't want to be completely out of the loop either. I was the most sociable person 2 years back, but I've been broken and time has passed and all of a sudden its like I forgot how to be me and hang out with people. One night a month, people from my program at school meet with Deaf people to hang out. (I want to be a sign language interpreter.) So that is my hobby. But where I live, its not that involved. Thats why Boston, would be great bc the shcool takes no excuses but to be involved in the community and in other programs. I want to start all over. I mean its a college city. Theres so many people from all over. So hopefully I can find myself. But I still can't help to think if the tables were turned, how quick I'd drop everything for him. And just like Relationship Coach said earlier, I am too willing to change for him and he shows no interest. A part of me knows and agrees what everyone is saying about spending time apart with other people. But since I dropped my guy friends for him bc he didn't like the fact that I had guy friends, I have no where to turn to. So i guess I screwed myself on this one.

Annie 24.. you have a good point. I don't think about things like that. I know its important to him. No he makes me feel very loved. He never gives me a reason to believe he is doing me wrong when he is out with his friends either. Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if I too had more hobbies and friends to share my life with. I am a soicable person but I don't get to close. Plus I left all my friends in the past behind. There's just some things you can't forgive. And by doing that, I realized how important friendship is and how it should be treated. And I wasn't treated fairly. I found myself w/o them. Now, I'm in a different atmosphere, different county different school. Accept my school is a Community college.. 98% of the class stayed in their own home to be with thier own friends. Most people I am sociable with have their life already and don't want to make any changes to that. So I kinda feel like the only person in the world that wants to show me any type of love is my BF. AND when that love is geared to someone else, I panic!

I understand what everyone is saying. I just have a hard time reacting to it. I know that this can work. No he doesn't stay out til 6 am often. But every time he goes out which is once a week or more, he'll stay out that late. And he wants me to stay home and wait for him. He won't compromise with me. Last night I had plans and I invited him. But then he told me that he had plans Sat, so since my plans was a scheduled event, I suggested moving his plans to Fri night so we can have a night together with just us. Mind you once a month is the only time I mingle and its with people that I barely know. I wish I had time to build my life back. I've had friendship troubles so I steer away from new relationships w/ girls and guys and I took a chance with him. I just don't have the time and the lack of effort I have to build and maintain a friendship, is just not there. As for losing him and feeling lost w/out him, well...I don't know how I'd get back on my feet. He does feel miserable, and I hate to see him that way. But I'm in the position, to either make him happy so I feel miserable, or make me happy and give him hell all the time. It seems like I can't win and he probably feels the same way. Is there any thoughts I can say to myself or anyting I can do to make me think before I feel negative and hurt?

I can't bear to accept the fact that my boyfriend has a whole other life besides me. He made me so comfortable in the first 4 months of our relationship. All we did was be with eachother and if he decided to see friends, he would bring me with him and show me off. He moved in with me in the matter of 1 month knowing eachother, and when its just us, the whole world stops. But now he's been needing this seperation from me. He now wants to get back out there and be with his friends and do the things he loves to do but he won't include me. He says he's included me in the past and now he wants to hang out with his friends alone. I don't trust his friends. He feels that it is normal, I, however, love and am completely content with being with Just Him. I don't need any one else. I would take it as a compliment, but he just gets annoyed. Why can't I be enough? He's enough for me! I don't have a desire to go out and meet people, and hang out at a bar or a friends house til 6 am. I don't do those things... so why does he? He loves baseball...I play it with him... He loves sex... Well HEY HELLO! He loves drinking... and music... And I do to.. Everything about him, we're compatible. But it really makes me feel like * * * * when he wants more. Am I being to unreasonable? Am I being selfish? I mean I'm supposed to apply to a shcool thats about 5 hrs away but I've held it off bc I'm more concerned with my relationship with him. He won't come with me so I'm thinking about staying in NY. I feel like I'm more concerned about this relationship.. if he had the same opportunity, he wouldn't think twice about it. It hurts and its really sad. I would do anything to not feel this way. Me reacting crazy and jealous towards him when the thought of him being with other people is just pushing him farther away from me. I need to stop but I don't know how! Any suggestions?

Don't be so hard on yourself. Although I don't believe that there are enough perfectly honest and trustworthy men out there for all of us, there is def plenty that'll make your life worth while. Ditch the losers. And move on!

Yeah I do sound confused don't I? Crap! But if you knew how great we were together. In the moment of being in his presense when we're not fighting... we are the couple everybody hates bc we're just too perfect. But I guess not prefect enough.

HI aimee. I just want to let you know that you are in alot better shape as you think. I didn't have the courage like you did. I got pregnant about a year ago. At this time my baby would've been 3 months old. That's right WOULD'VE been. I couldn't go through with it. I had no support systems at all. I already experienced the hardships of supporting myself, putting myself through college, faced with relationship struggles and all in all, because hormones and feelings took charge, I didn't go through with it. Friscodj is right ya no? There are so many couples out there hapily married, who would give anything to have a child of their own or to take in the perfect one for adoption. I didn't explore those options. I thought either keeping it or giving it away would be too hard so I aborted it and nothing in the world is more harder than living with yourself after that. You are so young and have so much to learn but I have to say I look up to you bc you are doing the right thing. Whether you keep it or not, you are giving life, and that alone is a gift that child will never take for granted. I wish you lots of luck.

Yeah well we've been having other issues that concerns him as well. He's not a saint either. And I've put myself out there and agreed to go to therapy. But only couple therapy. But couple therapy doesn't work when only one person goes. =( I've suggested getting a larger apartment with him so that we could call it OUR home, but i'm stuck in a lease and he says things that make me feel he can't wait to get his own apartment. I just don't know what he's waiting for. I mean for months all he did was sit on his * * * and listen to music. Didn't look for an apt didn't even look for a job. He was hopless. A part of me feels that Im the only one that wants this to work. But you are right my insecurities are making the effort go to waste.

This may seem harsh....how could you believe him when he says he loves you and maps out your entire future with him one minute and then not even on the phone....through TEXT that he all of a sudden doesn't love you. I'm sorry but I think he's just one of those typical guys who either get a kick of a girl falling for them, tell them what they wanna hear and then get more of a kick wathcing them FALL on their face. I've met a ton of guys like that. Sweet talkers.. they are usually intriguing and very interesting people. But those are the type of guys that will never have a secure relationship, and will prob end up alone have no one to love him b/c by that time he'll be wrinkly and old and miserable. So seriosuly, don't sweat it! I thought my relationships evolved around highschool "honeymoon love". Wrong. I'm in my 2nd yr of college and things get better, and I believe they keep getting better. Stop wasting your time. Good luck