1824blue

Bare with me this is slightly complicated... I have this ex boyfriend (we will call him brad) who I dated for 2.5 years I was age 19 - 21 (I am now 23) It was a great relationship, he was a great boyfriend. On paper he was everything I would look for in a man, except the fact that I kind of always had wondering eyes away from him, I never felt like I truly wanted to settle down with him, I felt like I still had more that I wanted to experience and maybe there was more out there. He loved me with his whole heart and for all the right reasons, he brought out the very best in me, was always there to listen and always knew exactly what to say. Or most of the time, he was also human We hardly ever fought, it was a great relationship. We broke up because of unavoidable circumstances, he moved away for a year of school and I moved back home after the Olympics that I had been training for the past 4 years in the city we were living in at the time. We have kept in touch ever since on and off, but have not seen each other in person. He has not really been in a relationship since. i however have been in a few relationships since. A couple that lasted less then 6 months and the most recent that lasted a year. My relationships since have been with men that I was super attracted to physically, (more so then Brad) but they were with men that were not really emotionally available to me, it was almost like it was the challenge for me that I was attracted to. My last relationship was close to if not totally emotionally abusive. I loved him but in the end i allowed myself to be walked all over and I kept coming back for more until it finally just ended for good. Due to my experiences being involved in other relationships after Brad I have grown to realize how special Brad is and was, and that I think I may be more attracted to the wrong kind of men for me. Speaking personally, but it is important...the sex with brad was great however that fire and passion and the feeling of crazy desire was way stronger with the men that were not so emotionally available, or I wanted to fix them, or what not. I am just wondering if this is a problem I have that I am more attracted to men that need fixing, or present more of a challenge that I need to let go of? If so how do I? Also how important is that steamy physical attraction in a long term healthy relationship?

Don't beat yourself up, but also really try to take an active effort not to let your self wallow in your misery. You obviously still need to get things and thoughts about her out of your system and some people take longer to detoxify then others. You know on a Mac computer there is a little trash can on the bottom right corner and everytime you put something in there it crumples all up. Well each time a thought of her, or a memory pops into your head interrupt yourself say trash it and send it to the trash can. If you have to walk around saying trash it for an hour straight you will but eventually you will be ride of it all. Just a thought.

Seriously listen to friscodj. Print out what he wrote and put it where you can see it.

It sometimes feels alot better to be angry instead of sad and missing the person, however your ultimate goal is to not let yourslef waste any of your emotions or energy on her. Save them for someone worthy, and someone who brings out the good, and cares for you.

Thank you guys, its funny how you hear again and again NC NC NC and then that one moment comes, you disregard all of it, mess up and then you are back to square one again. I need some reasuring thoughts regarding no contact, staying away from somthing you know is soo bad for you, but yet you feel magnitized to do stupid things somtimes and in the end you end up looking and feeling like more of a foul then anything.

you said yourself that you are not ready for a relationship, and due to the fact that your official no contact only began 14 days ago that makes your healing process somewhat fresh again. You are still hurting, and confused. I would take some time for yourself. it doesn't matter if it has technically been 6 months or 2 years, what matters is how you feel. Be strong, remain no contact, and your hurt will soon fad into a memory. You will know when you are ready to date other guys. It won't feel so strained and you won't be questioning whether you feel whole as a person enough yet. Work on you, detoxify your old relationship out of your system, so that you are able to start a new healthy relationship when the time is right for you.

I want to ask him why he lied to me. I want to make him hurt and feel like a fool. Is there anything I can do?

I either wouldn't respond, saying nothing says alot more then people think. Or email her back a short "not sure where all this is coming from, but I am not even going to humor any of it. Take care." She is hurting and wants you to hurt as well. Its called projection.

I was doing soo well until this happened. You know how I said I had a great day the other day, paid no attension to him and didn't let him get a reaction out of me. Instead I could see that he was squirming a little. Well the next day he calls me, first time in 5 weeks. I was excellent on the phone with him, I showed him no signs of remorse. Either way he called to tell me that it was all just rumors about him dating that girl there was nothing between them and people saw them out together one time and assumed that they were dating when in fact he said they are just friends and that is it. He said not to listen to any of it, its tough for him too, and he misses me as I was his best friend as well b4. All this conversation is on the phone on my way into work. When I get into the parking garage I say to him ok I think you've said everything you called to say I'll talk to you later. I burst into tears as soon as I hang up the phone. I was hard talking to him again and being so strong with him, he really brings out a weakness in me that I had though I had gotten ride of. I composed myself, so you couldn't tell I had been crying and walked into work. Well as soon as I get through the doors at work he is standing there waiting for me. I could totally tell that he was nervous to see me, and while he was talking his eyes were all shifty. We've broken up and then gotten bacl together enough times for me to know what he looks like after and I could see his nerves. I on the other had have this great acting ability (hah) and was so proud of myself that I was just totally cool. He brought me outside so that he could show me his new faster motercycle that he just bought. He always buys huge items when somthing is going wrong in his life, each time we broke up he would have bought some new toy ranging between $2000 and $13,000. And he really is not that rich, especially now. Anyway we talked abit about the bike and then parted ways. it was a nicce conversation but yet exhausting for me. I was coming along really well in my healing process and after that I felt alot worse. It was better when I had something to hate him about. I started questioning myself when he reminded me of his good side. Either way it gets way worse...the day after that happened I come into work once again back to my old self, being friendly with him, and pretty much getting the cold shoulder in return. Then as I am driving home from work at 1:00 in the morning, I pull up to a stop light right beside him and that girl riding home on his bike!!! Firstly I know its stupid but I was choked that she was wearing my helmet, but without making too many crazy assumptions it looked pretty clear to me that he was going home with her and that they had come into work together. Innitially I was utterly crushed when i saw that, back to stage one of healing, and now I am absolutely furious. Why would he make the effort to call me and flat out lie to me??? Or am I just making another assumption? I really don't think so, I was fine before. And then he calls me, is all sweet and thinking of me not wanting me to think that he is dating her, the next day is back to his ice cold self and I see him and her going home together. What am I supposed to do? I hate myself for letting him string me up and down all over again.

I actually had a great day yesturday, soo up and down but the average of it I think was my best yet post breakup! I was in a really good place right before I arrived at work, then as soon as I got there my good friend came up to me and said "I think something is going on with your ex and *****. He called her right in front of me earlier today" I was like "ya thats what I heard, he can do what ever he wants, she's married anyway which is kind of a joke" Inside I was crushed though, I hate that I feel this way. I know that they are hanging out, my ex for some reason cannot be alone with himself so it could possibly be just that they are just hanging out and becoming friends cause its all just hear say and rumers anyway. When I see them together I have not seen any kind of romantic connection as of yet. And she is still all over other guys right in front of him, which is not something that I think my ex could handle as he gets jealous and is quite judgmental, with me anyway. Later on I was sitting in the green room and of course he came in and chose the seat right next to me with his back turned to me and was talking really loud to another guy about all this fun stuff he's been doing on his bike (I used to love going on bike rides with him) and he is a mumbler, he never talks loud. I got up and walked out of the room, normally I would have stayed. This happened a couple times yesturday. I could see he watched me leave the room each time probably surprised in my change of behavior and lack of care. Either way, I know you shouldn't play games, and really I wasn't other then the fact that I made an effort to appear that I couldn't care less, and not let him get to me, but to be honest I felt like I made him squirm a little yesturday, by not playing into anything. I do still care though, I guess it'll just take time, and once I am able to leave the whole "smallville" environment things will probably get easier. It's funny but I think I am more hung up then I should be just by the fact that he dumped me in the end. Its hard not to put all the blame on myself, I am by no means without my own issues or perfect in anyway but the fact that in the end he was the one who wanted to get away from me makes me feel like maybe I was the problem in the relationship and that he just couldn't deal with it anymore. do you know what I mean? Its hard to take him off of the pedestool that I placed him on, its like I need so much reasurance that he was not good for me, and that I need to stay away.

I agree with DN and NJRon, that was really strong of you to stand you ground, show some backbone and not let her think that she can do whatever she pleases for however long she desires and you will still be there in the background loving her. As much as she was frustrated, what you did was alot more attractive and genuine then if you were to say that you will always wait for her. You are doing great, and I look to all of you for inspiration when I get those weak moments or waves that so often seem to pass over. Stay strong, and respect yourself and your needs.

I am packing up all my stuff and I keep finding all these things filled with memories of us together. I just wish I could stop remembering all the good times, I miss him. Silently miss him, I am stubbornly remaining with NC, its just this missing him feeling I can't seem to kick. Its getting better believe me, its just there, tapping me on the shoulder all the time. A friend of mine but mostly a guy who works in the same department as my ex of his just called me today and asked me if I had any plans for Tuesday night (Valentines) I said not really just a couple of my single girlfriends and my best gay friend were probably just going to hang out and pretend to be each others valentines. He said well before you do that would you like to join me for dinner at this absolutely beautiful resturant here in town. I have no romantic desires for him at all, I am not ready to date, and I am moving out of the country in 4 weeks, he is however good company and he wants to take me out for a nice dinner so I thought about and then accepted his invitation. Its not a date, just an evening. I thought it was sweet that he thought of me. And kinda sad that the person I want to be thinking about me is not...do you think it is ok? Should I be worried about what my ex thinks if he hears about it? Its not like I am dating this guy, just going out for a nice dinner. I hate that I still really care what he thinks about me and if I would be making things worse. I don't want to disrespect him, even though he has no problem disrespecting me.

As hard as it is, and believe me I know really just try not to think about when the relationship started or whats going on, or if they are happy. You have your life and he has his. It is not helping you move onto to better yours if you are too busy thinking about what he is doing. Now I say all that, and I need to listen to it too. I think it is all just stepping stones in the healing process, don't beat yourself up for feeling a certain way. It screams rebound, and a man who is not very sterdy or secure with himself anyway. take care of yourself.

your words: "things are great for a month or two in every way, then the rut happens. I start losing interest and I get complacent, taking things for granted, and I don't even realize it." I think that part in a relationship is quite normal, and I dont really think needs to be a problem if you don't let it. If you can start feeling when you first start to feel these feelings maybe just take a step back from the relationship for a day or an evening or two, hang out with the guys, do something with yourself that doesn't involve her. Feeling like that could be just that you are losing yourself a bit in the relationship. I'm not saying that you need to take a "break" or signal that anything is wrong or anything like that. If you step away, hang with the boys balance things out a bit, you will probably feel like you are able to give more to the relationship then if you were to just smother yourself in it. Just a thought. As for breaking patterns of being attracted to the wrong people, I can relate and have been thinking about this alot lately, as I am also a "fixer" And am attracted to people that I have to work on, or help in some way. I am leaning towards thinking that maybe us with the complex of picking and being attracted to the wrong people for us shoud start thinking of relationships more in terms of compatibility vs. wild crazy magnetic attraction. If you think about it compatibility will last through out the long haul and the other will most definitely fad over time and then what are we left with? Someone wrong for us.

your so right about how you feel so much worse after a "fix" Brutal how emotions work sometimes. I think or there are rumer going around that he is starting to date this girl who I work with as well but she's married. She often lyes about it as he is in another country but non the less she is married. She is not his type of girl in the least, she is pretty, but crazy, a huge flirt with all the guys (my ex gets quite jealous), does drugs, I dont really know her to well as she is russian and hangs out mostly with the other russians. I'll be sitting in a room and he'll choose the seat right behind me and talk to her. The conversation seems so forced on his side like he is trying to make something of nothing. I dont know if they are dating but, it seems like there is interest there anyway...but she's Married!!! Why is he doing this? He is also going out to absolutly every social function there is, he used to make fun of those people call them desperate, he was usually to tired or grumpy at night after work to go anywhere but home with me, and then fall asleep on his couch. Now he is Mr social and I am thrown to the trash. Does he know she's married? Should I be the one to tell him? Why is he doing this, its like I never even knew him!

Thank you everyone for being so understanding, I am getting tired talking about it to my friends and family about it all the time. I can hear myself as I sound like a broken over analizing record. It is great to have a place like this, its like I just need to still get it out and be reassured.df

Thank you everyone for being so understanding, I am getting tired talking about it to my friends and family about it all the time. I can hear myself as I sound like a broken over analizing record. It is great to have a place like this, its like I just need to still get it out and be reassured.

Thank you NJRon, you are right, I know, I just have a hard time not letting my thoughts consume me. What you said earlier about being more addicted then in love with him makes sense to me. It feels like I am getting of of an addiction, I've never been into drugs so I wouldn't know but i can imagine that it feels similar. Its like I just need a little fix of his kindness and then I will feel better. It sounds so weak I know, and I hate it, but its true feelings. How do you tell yourself to just shut up, smarten up, get up and live your life rather then pine over someone who no longer wants to be a part of your life? Is 5 weeks a long time to still be feeling like this? And its killing me wondering why he needs to hate me.

Thank you so much for your replies, I am hearing what you are saying it is still so hard to let go though and look at him without being with him. I was happy to be independent before I met him and now I need to find that part of myself again. I've been relationships really all my life (I'm 23) and I've never felt this much pain before, or been so hung up on someone.I can't believe how caught up in it all I got myself. I wish it didn't have to go from him being my best friend and lover to just walking past me and treating me like I meant nothing to him. Are you saying that I need to play that game as well, cause really I have been nothing but nice to him since, I havn't gone out of my way, but I don't hate him, i should, but I don't. I am only working with the company until the end of the month and then i am moving back home to Canada. So it is not much longer, I just hate to be consumed with all of this for my last few weeks in here. I just can't kick this constant craving I have for him.

I am so confused. I have been with my boyfriend (ex now) for the past year, at the beginning of the relationship I wasn't really that into it, I was just coming out of a relationship and wasn't really sure about this new guy. Even at the very start we would fight alot, it always seemed like he would pick the fights, put me down, pick on me, tell me that I was WAY too sensitive, (which I can be) and then when it was settled and after he had gotten me all upset and angry he would buy me something, or take me out for a really fancy dinner. I had just moved to the city actually to the country all by myself for a job, felt all alone and I grew to be quite dependent on him, I felt that even though it wasn't the best of relationships that it was better then being alone. I didn't want to be single where I was, I work in a theatre which is a very different environment to be in. I hated all the guys hitting on me, and I was having a hard time with the other girls because alot of them thought I was the new girl craving all the attension. But really I was just the new hot meat on the market and I hated it. I felt protected and more left alone when I was with my boyfriend (now ex). He is very good looking and he was also somewhat new to the theatre as well so there were alot of jealousy issues that occurred between us during our relationship from people we worked with interfering, speading rumurs, it felt like I was plunked right into the dramas of high school again. Don't get me wrong he is a very caring loving person with good intensions, but he also has quite a mean streak, a temper and can seem almost vendictive at times. To others he is very charasmatic, but when you get close to him and alone its like he has so much anger built up inside of him. He rarely saw the good in people and especially me. He saw so many bad qualities in me and always pointed them out. He would mix it up with I love you's, your so beautiful, I couldn't imagine my life with out you, and when we get married talk. But then in a couple days it would be our relationship is a joke, you make me miserable ect. I began ignoring the bad and only focusing on the good. Either way I stayed with him, ended up basically living with him, spending almost every minute with him, becoming more and more used to the up and down nature of the relationship and his moods. I fell stupidly in love with him, it was like a challenge, I knew I wasn't happy for the most part but I wanted so bad to make him happy and make him see the good in me. OK cutting to the chase...after awhile he just completely stopped caring, which drove my crazy, I probably pushed him away in the end trying so hard to get the good moments back but couldn't. I would get the your my soul mate, I love you so much every so often but for the majority of the time I felt like I was a pest in his life, and I could do no right in his eyes. So he ended up breaking up with me about 5 weeks ago, and hasn't spoke with me since. We work together so i see him everyday. And it is soo hard when he walks right past me pretending he has no idea who I am anymore, or if i say anything to him I get a short one word answer. He is always around me though it seems almost purposful, talking to people so I can hear, and I catch him looking at me, but for the most part he has turned his love into complete hate towards me and it is killing me. I dont know what to do, I want him back, even though I know I shouldn't. My family is all very supportive of me staying far away from him, I just miss him so much and the fact that he acts as though he hates me is eating at me. When he broke up with me, i made it clear how I felt and how I fell in love with him so since then I havn't been pushy or chasing him. But none the less I feel totally rejected and like I wish we could at least be friends, I see him everyday and in social settings so this no contact thing is not really an option. Please anybody, give me some advice as to why this is hurting me so bad, why I miss him so much, and what I can do? Thanks!!

I completely understand what your going through. I am just getting out of a very on and off relationship. I loved him so much that I kinda lost myself in the process. Relationships that are on and off are so not healthy, and it also makes sense why letting go is so hard because you are so used to him leaving and then coming back to your waiting open arms. Picture a future with him, if he is so unsterdy now, I'm sure once he has a ring on his finger or children to raise he is not all of a sudden going to turn into Mr Dependable. You dont want to deal with that. It is hard though believe me I understand, especially when they are pushing you away like your love doesn't mean a thing to them. But really you should be the one to Thank him for making his true colors show through so clearly and good ridense!

Sorry I forgot to mention that personally I like all of the above, probably mostly for shock value, not to be the sole focus, but a little here and there is sexy.

I would say that once a women is comfortable in a relationship that she would like all of the above. But that is very generally speaking. Sex is meant to be fun, intimate and sexy and part of the fun is spicing things up, trying new things. I'd say go for it, dont do it all at once though, throw a couple new tricks out randomly, you'll be able to tell from her reaction if shes into it or not.

I wouldn't worry about having sex quite yet anyway, you are still healing which makes your emotions vulnerable. Having sex just to have sex will most likely make you miss your ex even more, and miss that intimate connection that you used to have with him. Wait until your ready, you will know, once you stop questioning it.

Casual sex to me is highly over rated, in theory its good, but for me I'd rather just to stock up on batteries and wait until my next actual relationship. No matter how you look at it, sex is a very intimate act and it is hard to separate emotions from it. It is also so much better when there are mutual feelings involved.