spunkykatt

Let me start by saying its been several months since I have posted and honestly I didn't relize it had been so long. I am posting not for advice, but just to let everyone here know that looking back at my previous postings and all the responses that I received that I am taken off guard as to how much as a person I have grown. I have posted at some extremely hard times in my relationship, and life on here, and looking back I now see what made those things in my life so difficult. I think we all take things for granted sometimes, and when we feel like we cant go on anylonger we reach out to anyone who is willing to give us a ear and just simply listen. That is why when I read certain postings of mine and then read the responses that I relize not only was I looking for someone to listen to my pain and story, I was also listening to someone else's pain too. I never thought that by posting my feelings on here hoping to find some comfort in what I was going through that I was also giving comfort to someone else. At the time when I needed advice I came here often, wrote about my feelings, and how I thought there was days I couldnt deal with what I was going through...sometimes I was so angry that I couldnt stand my own self, and somedays I was so down that I saw no point in going on...and each time I posted I felt better. That was my way of healing myself, but now I read each of my posts and see it from a different point of view..and I am greatful that I took my own pain and wrote about it. That said I am doing better now days, life doesnt seem to overwhelm me like it did. Sure I still have "huge" day to day problems (or so they seem so at the time) but I am healing none the less. I have made great progress in dealing with those demons that seemed to cloud my mind so often about my relationship that I was struggling in. Now I think for the most part I have managed to put all those insecurities to rest and I am just enjoying being loved by my SO rather than finding fault with myself over his choices. I know now that I cant punish myself and feel guilty over what he does...and just so its clear what Im talking about I use to post mainly over our fighting, and porn. I have learnt to find other things to consume my head with rather than what he was watching or doing when I wasnt around. There came a point that porn was such a huge problem with us that I literally withdrew from the relationship and put walls up around myself in order to not have to deal with all the issues. Most people would say that was the worst thing I could have done, but I disagree, that was the best thing I could have done. By pulling back my feelings, I was able to get a grip on the situation and deal with my own insecurities, and not to mention he relized when I started pulling away that he was at fault just as much as me also. We took some time "off" not in our relationship, but from talking or discussing anything that had to do with porn, masturbation, etc..and even though it wasnt easy not to ask him every single day if he was watching porn (cause every day that I did that it just made me feel worse about myself, and angered me) I started to become less interested in it. I started feeling better about myself, and that was all that mattered. Everytime I wanted to ask something about what he was doing in his "alone" time I changed the subject, and slowly the porn stopped consuming all my time. It hasnt been easy to work through this, and after several months of essentially "NC" with him on porn or masturbation we both became better able to discuss the underlying problems we were having. We now are open about our "private" time and can really talk about this without ending up in a fight. I just wanna thank everyone here who was supportive of me, and gave me some good advice at the time. Some I took, and some I didnt but the point is that everyone CARED. Thats what is so important, and Im greatful. I have grown and only because I posted here and found people like you guys that I can cronologically see how I have grown and changed....for the better. Thanks.

Hum, sounds kinda out there if you ask me. Not the pregnancy thing, but falling down the stairs and losing the baby, I mean "usually" it would take more than that to cause a miscarriage. After my bf and I broke up last November I found out that I was pregnant about a week later, and well he had his misgivings about it, thought that I might have been saying that just to get him to come back to me....dont know why guys think that MOST of the time...anyways, when he did relize that it was for real and not a game I might have been playing...."which is not ever a good idea, not that I would do that either" he was really supportive of the baby and I for the most part. Anyways, about 5 weeks into the pregnancy I fell down the stairs at my home, even broke the banister railing when I took my tumble...and the baby was fine. It didnt cause any miscarriage, my OB/GYN said that a fall like that in early pregnancy was not dangerous to the fetus, that it would be in the last trimester when a fall could cause early labor etc...so the point of my post is that I dont blame you for being skeptical. I would want to at least know what doctor she seen or what hospital she went to if she was indeed telling you the truth.

I have brought up that, but he said I wasnt interested in counseling in the beginning of our problems, so he isnt interested now.

Its ok not to be the easiest person to live with. Im not easy to live with either, and thats because we are individuals. If we were all so sweet, kind, and never had a bad day...then that would be just as hard to deal with as people like us...those who are hard headed, opinionated, and kinda emotional. Im glad that there is all different kinds of people out there, its what makes life interesting. BTW there is someone out there who will be able to live with you just like you are, you just have to wait for him.

I too have been broken hearted twice by the same person, and I think that the second time hurt more than the first. Its hard to let go of all the hurt the first time around, and then open yourself up again to the very same person who caused all that pain. So when they leave for a second time, well its almost as if its twice as painful. I was with my bf for 10 months also when we broke up the first time, and after some time apart, (actually I had finally started to heal) when I received a email from him...that turned my life upside down, we ended up getting back together, and was together for over a year the second time around. Then after his birthday this past October we ended up breaking up, and shortly after that I found out I was pregnant, and we fought for several weeks, we ended up getting back together eventually for a third time...and well I dont think its like it was. I have alot of trust issues with him, and Im torn half the time between all the things in the past and what is in the future. So yes I understand completely how mad and hurt you feel. It will get better though.

I am in a relationship that has been at the least rocky for 2 years now, and well I think its gotten to the point that I am actually starting to feel like I am insane. Let me start by saying I am in no way completely innocent, and I do start alot of the fights we have, but for the last few months he has constantly told me that "Im crazy" and that I should grow up, live in the real world etc...and I really am starting to believe all the things he has been beating into my head. I dont know what Im doing anymore, and I am filled with so much anger, and rage when it comes to him..but on the other hand I CANT see me without him in my life. God, I am insane...because that makes no valid sense. He and I have been through alot together, and he has been my support system for so long that I have literally abandonded all of my friends for him, and if we broke up I dont know who I would have to turn to for support. I know that all the fights we have are unhealthy, and they are affecting my self esteme, but I dont know how to leave, and alot of the times I dont want to leave. He can be so wonderful at times, caring and warm, and then he can be the most hurtful and spiteful person I have ever known. He always has a way of turning things around on me, and making me feel like Im the one who has the issue, and maybe I do...but isnt that part of a relationship...taking a issue and working through it rather than making the other person feel isolated and wrong for having a problem. I use to be a strong person, and not have SOOO many issues and insecurities, but now...I wouldnt even know where to start to deal with all the things that I have problems with. He says things, that hurt me soo very much, but when I cry about it, he tells me to be an adult. Im so confused by it, how to deal with it, I cant talk to him...and I dont know how to let all the anger and hurt I have go. I love him dearly, but I am starting to relize that my life cant continue going down this path with him, but leaving doesnt seem to be a option. When we do end up hurting eachother with words (usually) to the point that we break up, I go into a panic, wanting to desperately get back together with him, and I accept that all the problems are my fault, because life without him scares me, and like I said I have isolated myself from all my support group, so I would have no one there to help me over a break up with him. My life is so twisted in his that without at least a few friends there for me to cry on their shoulders then there is no hope of me leaving. I am desperate to make it work with him, but I swear he is the reason I am going crazy. He yells at me, and I yell back...and we never seem to accomplish anything together, and I swear I dont think I can take one more fight or one more time of him saying that "Im crazy". God I need help with this one, I cant make my life seem to work with him, but I cant live my life without him...so what do I do. I need help.

God...let me tell you, I am 99% of the time more into wanting sex than my boyfriend...so dont go telling me that men want it more than women, and for your information if you "had" read the post I do pay for a porn subscription for my boyfriend to use when I am not around....so how are you going to say that I dont understand... As far as being more horney...please, I have always been more excited about sex than any guy I have ever dated, but to be honest the use of porn does seem to make me less into sex, just the thought of him watching it well kinda makes me feel like I dont need to put any effort into sex, I mean why would I...he has his porn. Also your comment about you fantasy about sports...sure you may think about it, but do you masterbate to it...no probably not. So dont compare the two and dont compare me to someone else, you have no clue.

Its not about wanting another girl or guy, its about not understanding how it makes your partner feel when you lust for another person, even gratifiy yourself over them. Thats my point, it hurts to be told "it has nothing to do with my feelings for you" or "its not a big deal" etc....its all about how you make that person feel..

yeah its pretty common for a guy to want to try anal, but if your not comfortable with it then he shouldnt push the issue. My boyfriend and I occasionally have anal sex, but its not something we do on a daily basis, and thats fine with both of us. You should disscuss it with him, and do what you feel is right. As far as immoral goes, nah its not...kinda dirty though...all smiles!!!

Well no, men and women both have the same amount of sex drive, thats just a excuse I think men use alot of times to feel justification for the porn. I also agree that a woman cant very well have sex every time her partner feels the need, and vise versa, but shouldnt a man have restraint? If he indeed is that built up, then he would more than like have great sex with his partner verses looking at a random girl for gratification. Not to mention how much it would it would mean to his partner knowing he didnt opt for the porn,but rather wanted to have the real thing, and thats what its all about.

It's been awhile since I posted, I thought my issues were starting to work themselves out, but since I'm here I guess they haven't. Anyways, I have been doing a lot more searching on answers about why men and women feel and see things so differently about the use of pornography, and well as much as I want to think I'm fine with it, and that I should not feel angry, threatened, or hurt by my partner using it when I am not around...well that's just not true. This is something that I have been on the fence about for sometime now, and I have done all that I can think of to make myself see it from a guys perspective...and to understand how it is that guys can differentiate between the women in porn and the women in their lives. I like to think that I'm pretty open, I mean I have struggled so hard to grasp the idea of looking at random women for sexual gratification while being in a "healthy" normal adult relationship, that I even pay for my partner to have a subscription to porn, and unlimited downloads of it. Now I have to wonder...was that right??? Should we as women sacrifice our own values in order to make it acceptable for our lovers to idealize random women while self gratifying themselves? Men want us to "understand" that when they watch porn it has nothing to do with us, and it's just a "means to an end"....well how much real honesty is there in that statement??? ALOT, we as women try to analyze and reason why our lovers/partners want to see another woman's naked body, when they could see ours...but why? I think the answer has been right there all along, and it's actually in the statement that men give us...."it has nothing to do with us, or how they see us". Wow, how those words hurt so much, when you stop trying to figure out why men do it, and just absorb the reason they give you. Maybe that's why we try so hard to figure out what porn gives to a man that he doesn't find with his partner. How cruel can one human be to another, when after committing to a person he/she is found lusting after another person's body...and for what purpose, sexual gratification? I know a lot of men are saying this is "crap" porn is about sex, or has nothing to do with how they see their partner, or how they feel...etc...and to them I say... I agree 100%. Porn is one of the most selfish things one can indulge in, especially if you have a partner. Granted there are women who honestly see no harm in their partner watching it, and that's great, but the majority of women do feel hurt and betrayed when they find that the man they love is "enjoying" the body of another women. How could a woman not feel threatened? We are raised that if you're not skinny, have long beautiful hair, ample breasts, or perfect skin then you're not desirable. Porn only reinforces these unrealistic views, and when a woman already sees flaws in herself and then finds her partner watching "in her eyes" a more appealing woman to masturbate to, well she can't help but feel inferior. If she had been pretty enough, sexy enough, or skinny...etc then he wouldn't need to look at those things..."that's how many women see it". Men can talk to they are blue in the face but unless they can change society then there is no room for porn in the majority of relationships. Its not just about the sex, women find watching sex a turn on just as much as men, its about perception, and how most porn is geared towards showing "unrealistic" women, those with firm bodies, large breasts, and well take it with a smile...those women are not the norm, and to be honest...if I found my partner watching porn that involved real women, those that had dimples on their thighs, or a little belly fat, well I wouldn't be nearly as self absorbed about my body, nor feel as hurt by him watching porn. To be a woman and see your partner gratify himself watching someone who you could never be, well it just hurts. So yes men I understand porn "has nothing to do with the woman your with" but it does have to do with desire, and desire for a woman whom your not with, and that's what hurts women the most. Let us be enough, because men your more than enough for your women

Wow...I am really in awwe of that, and I agree with your actions to be honest. If you felt justified in doing it, well then there is nothing to feel ashamed about. As far as you being told that you may have degraded yourself or sent the wrong point...thats not how I see it at all. If it made you feel better, and it didnt hurt anyone, then there is no issue. I personally dont understand how guys can say you did something wrong when in fact they dont see anything wrong with watching random girls strip. There is no difference, and you have umm..."courage". Thank you for making my night, for once there is someone who has no guilt about doing something that guys dont want their gfs to do even when they pay money to see others do it. Hope you made some money....hehe....

I have had my heart broken more than once, sometimes its harder than others...but it does get better, I promise. I have went through 2 marriages, and thought that my life was over when I lost the first real man I ever loved, but that too is now just a memory. When I think of the heartache I have had to go through in order to get where I am today, I know it was worth it...its what made me relize what I wanted in a relationship, how I wanted to be loved, and showed me how to love. There is alot of wrongs before you get to that ONE right, and working through all those emotions, pain, hurt and wishing that he had been the one.....helps you become the person who, when you find the right one, will be able to love more compassionately, openly, and freely. Its hard to understand all that when your going through it, but when you do find that one you will undoubtly be greatful that all the ones before them were indeed WRONG.

I am going to do my very best to be unbiased here, simply because it would do you no good to tell you what the moral side of me thinks.. That said, I had an affair in my previous marriage, and I understand how things have become blurred for you. The fact in my opinion is that you should not entertain a relationship with either woman. You have been with your wife 14 years, then found yourself in an affair, that alone is enough for you to take some time away from the "whole" situation (both women) and figure out what is indeed best for you and your children. Notice I didnt say for your family, wife, mistress....I just stated you and your children, because ultimately they are the ones who are going to be directly affected by this no matter which direction you go. There is nothing wrong with you getting your life back on track, and that may or may not include one of these women, but in order to do that you have to distance yourself from both. In my honest opinion the best outcome for you and the kids is for you to 1.) Move out of your home, (sorry but your wife needs it for raising the children) and well you did break your vows, so it should be you that gives up certain things here...and move into a small house, apartment, whatever where you can be ALONE in order to work through your OWN issues. You should take this time also to reinforce the bond between you and your kids, they need to know that they are more important than the fighting or other woman. These kinds of situations do affect the kids, and introducing another woman can be detramental to them at this point, not to mention wrong. 2.) Break all contact with S, if she in fact does care about you and wants to be with you then she WILL understand. There is no chance of anything substantial happening with you and her as long as things are the way they are, and you dont need to rush into another relationship with ANYONE at this point. You need to be of clear mind, conscious oh and clear of "marriage" before you should persue things with her. If she is any kind of real woman, she will not want to have a relationship with you as long as your married, living at home with your wife, sleeping with the wife and so forth. You have to make a clear slate in order to have a new life with her. Furthermore she should be more conserned with your children, and how they are going to adapt to her and her new role as instant mommy. You cant force or rush any one of these things, they take time to work out. If you and S truly want to be together, I say go for it, but not at the expense of your childrens welfare. They are completely innocent in this, and you dont have the right to force this on them with no warning. This type of situation makes for some very hostile and dirty game playing, just dont let your children become the ones who get hurt by either of you 3. Also, just so you know, when it comes to divorce and a angry wife, dont give her ammuntion against you....aka...dont move the other woman in, see the other woman, or do anything that may cost you your possibly your kids, job etc. We women do play extremely nasty when we have been made a fool of to say the least, and by all accounts it looks as if your gonna find that out first hand.

I sit here wondering why is it that when your with someone you take that for granted sometimes, until there comes a momment when they arent there any more, and you start to franticly scramble for answers, for understanding, and for reasons. You cant help it though I suppose, your heart being crumpled up by this person whom you shared so much with, loved, and cared for..now suddenly gone, leaving you feeling like its all just a horrible dream you cant wake from. So you spend the next few days in a blur of emotions, one momment crying and the next thinking it will be ok, your ok...then back to the crying.. Life just seems to stop, and there is nothing you can do but think of "them", how "they" are, what "they" are doing, are "they" as sad and depressed as you...and the ever burning question...DO "they" miss you too. You drive yourself almost to the brink of insanity with those questions, until that momment comes when you give into your breaking heart and make some form of contact with them. All you tell yourself is that you just need some answers, some closure, and the best way to get that is to confront the person responsible for leaving you and your life in this tattered shamble. You work up the courage to make that call, or send that email, and then wait...and wait, racking your mind about what they are going to say. Of course holding on to that hope you have, the hope that they are going to tell you they made a mistake and want to work it out. You convience yourself that they want you just as much as you want them..we all do it. So the time comes, where you have the chance to say and ask what you need and want of them...but the answers arent what you want to hear. They arent so lost without you, they seem "happy". Happy, can you believe that??? No, thats impossible, just look how miserable you are...so how can they seem so unaffected by all of this? You feel so numb as even more questions cloudy your already stressed thinking patterns.. There is no way your going to survive this you think...you feel as if your heart is literally breaking with each thought or memory of that person. Just as you feel there is nothing left, you decide to plea your case to them, to call them and let your heart spill out, as if to be an offering to stay, to make them love you again. You work up the courage once again, and when they answer, you pour your soul out...telling how you feel, how sorry you are, and how you have changed. Making promises to be better if only they come back, making every last ditch effort to keep them in your life. Sadly they reject you again...they dont want to come back, and are moving on with their life, and tell you that you should be too. How is this you think?? To throw away all that you had, as if its nothing more than yesterdays news..you made promises, you poured you heart out to them, you did everything they wanted... so why do they turn and reject what they asked for in the first place. You pick your heart and yourself up off the floor, and are left trying to sort out all the emotions you have inside you now. You search for knowledge, for ways of coping with the pain, you seek out people who can help you sort through this emotional baggage, to help throw out all the things that you dont need, and keep all the lessons that will help you be a stronger, happier, and eventually better lover than you are now. Hours you spend mending your heart, fixing your insecurities, working on bettering yourself...but still you have an ache inside you, one that has been left by that person you loved so much...and nothing you have read, discussed, or worked on stops that ache. How long does my heart have to break before its enough you wonder, when does it stop? You think about this day after day, while looking for things to fill your time so that ache doesnt overcome you, but its there....and it has to be dealt with. Only you dont know how, or even where to begin. You keep going though, keep holding on to what your told by the ones who care about you...."it will be ok, your gonna make it through this". Your not sure how your gonna make it, but you know that you have to otherwise what was the purpose of falling in love with them in the first place. You slowly begin to analyze the ache, careful at first, as not to cause too much of the scab to be pulled away causing a overflow of all the emotions, hurt and saddness you have worked so hard to overcome. Gently you begin to look at that person you loved, and for once your not wrought with all the bad things, but rather the good. You see them for who they were, and who they became...and then it hits you, the answer to that ache...it wasnt them who was to blame, and it wasnt you, but rather it was that your life wasnt meant to share with that person. There was flaws, flaws in the very fabric of the relationship that you only now are beginning to see...small incapabilites, minor issues, but they were ultimately the cause of the unraveling of that life you once had. You sit there, thinking about everything, sorting through those emotions, placing them in the right cubby holes of your heart. Your struck by a relization that its ok to have a few people who come into your life for the simple reason of this, to experience heartache, saddness, loneliness. Its those people whom we love and never thought we could live without, those people whom break our hearts, and destroy our very soul, those people whom in the end...show us who we were meant to be, they give us the strenght to continue on with life, and a new found knowledge of how to be better, they in realitity are the ones who make us who we are, and shape us into someone who is capable of love, committment, and hope. By breaking you they showed you that you could rebuild yourself, and when you did...you were a much stronger, caring, loving and better person. That person who you felt so much for and wanted to share your life with, wasnt meant to be the one...they were there simply to prepare you for when you actually do "meet the ONE". Its a long road when your recovering from a broken heart, and its not going to be traveled in just one day. In the end though, when you look back at where you have been, you will see it was well worth all the detours you made on the way. Look back and be greatful for the ones that truly touched you, broke your heart, and made you stop and think about what your life means, and where its going...because those are the ones who made you who you are, and the ones who showed you what love is simply by being what love wasnt. I hope that you find some comfort in this writting, we all have to have a little rain in our lives before we can be thankful of the sun, please always remember that...