GoDevil

Thanks for your replies, they really help. I've been thinking and I think the thing that really gets me is that we went to dinner with a few of her friends a couple of months back, and I later found out that one of the guys there was in her threesome. For some reason it just seems really disrespectful to me that she brings me along to this thing before I know the truth about what happened... she is still friends with the guy apparently and was at the time as well.. it was some kind of friendship based sexual threesome with her and two guys (sounds like a ridiculous concept to me, friends having a 3some) I might be off here but it just really bothers me... it seems so insulting to me that she would take me to dinner with some guy she had a 3-way with before, while her and I are in this deeply loving committed relationship. It scares me to think what she is capable of now. I guess I am worried that she would do it again. She has told me she doesn't regret doing it. A 3some with her and 2 guys makes me think she has no respect for sex at all.

Dude I am so sorry, I've been there and I know exactly how you feel. It literally feels like someone ripped out your heart and left you to die. Also, remember that her doing this doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. When i was cheated on I was so devastated and believed that I must be this horrible worthless person if someone could do that to me. The fact is she said she slept with him twice to you just to make you angry and to hurt you. Remember that. Do you really want to devote your love and time to someone who intentionally hurt you by exclaming that she slept with someone else? That's an easy choice man. Go get some popeye's fried chicken and red beans and rice, even though you say you can't eat, it will help you bigtime. Good luck, and don't worry it will get better just be strong!!!!

We've been together about six months and had a few problems along the way, but they are always just the way we react to each other. We are getting better at that. I have a big problem though. Fairly recently I found out that she had been with 2 guys at once a few years back. This was way before I even met her but when she told me I was completely crushed. It made me look at her in disgust and now any time she initiates intimacy I am turned off and think of her as a slut. It makes me think that she is this sexual deviant who couldn't go a week without sex if we were to break up. On the other hand, if i am feeling in the mood and initiate something, it is absolutely incredible... in the car, on the floor, wherever. Completely passionate and intense. It's just that when she really gets into stuff and starts talking dirty, or afterwards says "well that's something I've never done before", I just start thinking that she is dirty and is surprised when there's something we do that she hasn't tried before. When she talks dirty it makes me think sex isn't special to her, that it's only for pleasure. Why am i so critical of her and her past? I am working on my own issues relating to self-esteem etc. because I know much of it starts there, but what do I do to get rid of the anger and resentment that arises in these situations?? Please help!

I hear ya, this place is great and helps a lot. I think that you are doing the right thing by thinking about this as much as you are. The last thing you want to do is something on a whim that you would later regret, like sleeping with your friend. Who knows, that relationship could develop into something completely wonderful. The more time you give it to develop on it's own, the better. At the same time you need to, as hard as it sounds, take your mind off of your ex-gf. You did a great thing by telling her that she can go off and do her own thing if she needs to. That shows here that you are not needy, and if she cares enough for you she will not sleep with anyone else and at the same time she will realize how much she misses and needs you. Otherwise I would just move on, because if that doesn't happen you are just doing all the giving and she's doing all the taking. Good Luck!!

Hi nycgirl, that doesn't sound too good for either of you. I know personally how depression can feel, and he really needs to talk to someone professionally about the way he feels. Thats always easier said than done though.... I still haven't gone to talk to anyone professionally because maybe it will make me face up to the fact that I have issues. When I was severely depressed last year I ended up trying out some anti-depressants and found salvation in one called Lexapro. It's like celexa but is newer and has fewer side effects. The cool thing about it is you start feeling results in just a couple of days. It helps minimize all the mental torture that someone with clinical depression puts themself through all day every day. Once that happens, the person can focus on what they can do to make their lives better. It kind of clears the fog and gives you a new perspective. He may resist the suggestion, but trust me, it's easy to take a pill and with such fast results there's no reason not to try. Good luck to both of you, and remember to always let him know how much you love him and that you want to make him happy. He also needs to learn how to love himself! take care

First of all, man I am so sorry that someone has done this to you. I have been through some similar stuff before and I know how terribly bad it hurts. It feels so overwhelming and powerful that you feel hopeless, helpless, and you don't know what to do. The most important thing you can do is stay away from this girl. You don't deserve to be treated this way no matter what. When you start thinking of the good things with her, you need to remember the hurt and suffering too. This helps tons, and since you care so much for her, your mind will constantly go over all the things you like about her. Any time this happens, think about the time she left you in tears and drove off with that other guy outside her dorm. Is anything really worth that? She is destroying your self-esteem by treating you this way, and YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT. All this time you have not thought about yourself and what you need. What is important to you? What makes you happy? This girl will do nothing but break your heart over and over again. You know why? Because she now knows that she can walk all over you and come back. She is taking advantage of your kindness and caring, which is the biggest tragedy of all. You owe it yourself to move on and heal, and trust me, another girl will come along who will treat you the same way you treat her. Think about how that will feel compared to this. Just remember to associate all the bad things about her any time you start to miss her or think about the 'good times' you had. Nothing is worth feeling the way you feel now. Nothing is wrong with you at all, other than being too caring to drop someone who obviously cares nothing for you at all. You deserve better and you will find better! Good luck!!!

Thanks for your help guys, I am figuring out some stuff now.. Apparently she thinks that if she's angry she can say anything she wants and it doesn't really mean anything because she does it "in the act of anger". That just ain't how it works. If I had spoken my mind in its entireity during that incident I think she would still be running full speed in the opposite direction in fear hehe.. I guess no one ever told her that she is responsible for everything she says and does regardless of her emotions at that time. I have a very good memory and I remember every single word she says and everything she does. Well knows that taking me for granted was a BIG mistake hopefully... It makes me wonder what would have been next if I didn't act on it.. Never seen such anger problems before, crazy stuff. Has anyone ever been able to successfully deal with a partner's insane anger issues before? Thanks again for all your help

Nothing will get you out of the dumps more than conquering a challenge such as boot camp. I can't speak from experience since I have never been in the military, but imagine how you will feel after you get through it considering your anticipation and reservations about it. Right now it seems like something you don't think you can accomplish, but because of that, when you do you will have more confidence and pride than you could ever imagine. Think of it this way, when you get through boot camp, you will have proven to yourself that you can do anything!!! That is very important, because when you face challenges later in life you will know that you can conquer them with ease because of your determination. If all those other marines can do it, so can you! Kick some ass!!!

Definitely wait at least 4 or 5 days if not 6. Ideally, try to be in the same place she is after a few days (before you have called her of course). This will make her wonder why you haven't called, and will make her think that you must have a lot going on and that you are busy. Women can't resist a man who hardly has time for them. Whatever you do, don't let her know that you are real interested or you're history. Let it happen slowly. Good luck!

Here is my story, it's long but I had to write down everything. We had been dating almost six months, and what initially was magical and joyous (we could have fun doing anything, we were like best friends) turned into frequent fights where neither person would give in at all to help end the argument. One thing I have also discovered is how bad her temper is. She is physically violent and, in my opinion, abusive at times. Her temper and her PMS is unlike anything I have ever seen before, and she always just chalks it up to hormones and usually doesn't remember the extent of the things she has said and done in any particular episode. She doesn't feel like she has done anything wrong and takes no responsiblity for her actions at those times. I have been trying very hard to work on my part of the fighting, by letting her be angry when she needs to be and not barking right back at her and making things worse. I also have been letting go of anger when I can because I know it always makes things worse. When she has PMS and says something that I usually would take much offense to, I try to let it roll off my shoulders because I think it's just her emotions getting the best of her. We had problems before where she told me that I invalidated her feelings. She told me that if she feels something then i should never say that its not right, or that she shouldn't feel something. I completely agreed with her and had begun to make great efforts to listen to her and understand her feelings, respect her feelings, and do what I could to be senstive to them. This is where it is not fair for me, she is a firestorm of double-standards. She won't let me have my own feelings, she won't respect them, and against what she specifically said to me, she tells me when I am bothered or upset by something that I am being "immature" or a "dumbass". How could she be this way when she has told me not to do the exact same thing?? I don't understand The day before I broke up with her we were out running errands and she said something in a sadistic joking manner that really hurt me deeply. When we met up back at the car she was MAD AT ME FOR BEING UPSET and walking off by myself for a few minutes in the store. I was crying in the car telling her how much she hurt me and she was, get this, laughing and telling me how immature and stupid i am, and basically mocking my emotions. She threw my phone at me as hard as she could and it bounced off my arm and shattered when it hit my car door. This whole incident hurt so bad emotionally, it was almost debilitating. Then later at home after i have stopped crying and her friend came over for dinner (nice 'n' awkward) she starts acting kind of sexual with me, which i wasn't ready for at all; i think she was trying to show off in front of her girlfriend who i think has a crush on me. Later that night when we were going to bed she wanted to have sex but I was completely turned off by her. The next day she called me up like nothing had happened and sarcastically asked "So, do you have some residual anger from yesterday or something??" That's when I told her how I felt and ended it. She was shocked. I told her I really cared about her and she said, "Well apparently you dont care that much!". I told her, without pointing any fingers or blaming her for anything specific, that I was unhappy and couldn't go on this way any longer. The next day she came over while i was gone and took all her stuff. I feel like I tried very hard to make things work, I did little sweet things for her all the time, like making her breakfast in bed, taking her out to dinner, complimenting her, and in general tolerating her vicious mood swings. Now I feel like complete crap and I don't know what to do. I haven't talked to her since that night when I broke up with her and I feel just terrible. I am so hurt that she hasn't called me to apologize for how she treated me, and for how abusive she has been lately. The whole thing makes me feel terrible and I just don't know what to do. What do I do now? I feel so hurt and betrayed and it is just killing me. Please help me

I have always had problems approaching women, but I can talk to them fine. IT's that initial hump (no pun intended) that I can't get over... I have been told that I am very attractive, 5'11", blue eyes, nice physique etc.. and I get vibe from girls quite frequently when I am out... This sounds ridiculous but I don't know what to do when I catch a girl giving me eye contact or smiling at me... I think I'm perpetually afraid that I will fail if I try to make an approach. Later I end up kicking myself in the butt over and over again because I chickened out. When I make eye contact with a girl all I know how to do is stare back like the same way as if some dude were staring me in the eye in a confrontational manner, I just stare until they look away.... the problem is I think it just makes them think I am some mean person or something because I don't know what else to do but look at them and be intimidating. Does anyone have the same problem or know what to do to get past this??? I am tired of not making things happen when they so easily could.. I am in my late twenties and I gotsta change this quick! Please HELP!!!!

Deadman, what you need to do is figure out what benefit YOU are getting from your hatred of her. I had a girlfriend who cheated on me 3 times in our first year going out, talk about feeling betrayed. One of the most important steps you can take is to realize that: 1. Your ex-girlfriend is human. 2. Humans make mistakes. 3. She should thereforeeeeeee make mistakes. She didn't do to intentionally hurt you, her hiding it is her own issue and one that she had to deal with constantly before she informed you of it. You did nothing wrong, remember that. A lot of times you can find the root of the hate within yourself; you could even be blaming yourself for it without knowing.... And all that does is make you feel worse. What you need to do is forgive her for making a mistake (something EVERYONE does) and put it past you. It gives you absolutely no benefit to dwell on it. hope this helps!