Süsser Tod

Your mood can change, your goals and expectations in life will surely change, specially if you are 17. It is normal, don't worry. I remember when I finished reading some book, I was so fascinated it almost became my guide for life. Back then it had several answers to life I had been unable to get by miself. What it means now? Well, I don't really care about it anymore, I'm over it. And I'm almost 27...

Hmmm, I would never postpone a date if I were really interested... So I think you should look for another date. Think about it, when you are really excited to meet someone, you count every minute and second!

Take it with a grain of salt, and understand it, so you can apply it on your situation. What you read here is not written on stone, and may be different for every situation. Why do you want that? Don't go stereotyping people, get a girl you want, a girl you are comfortable with, a girl that shares your interests, etc. Don't believe in stereotypes. Don't think its fair, and if you do, probably the girl will like you to pay for everything. But yes, is nice, but you have to be carefull. They shouldn't, but if it happens, have a good laugh and keep practicing!

Oh, I should hear my own advise? Yes, I know it.

Yep, that would be childish, extremely. And not only that, you are pressuring him into giving you an answer even before he has had a chance to meet your "new you". Take it slowly. If you want him back, you'll have to prove yourself, and part of that will be acting mature (letting things happen).

Friends? I don't have Family? They usual answer is "you are better off without her, you'll find someone else" and then they continue with whatever they were doing...

Some may remember about me breakign up with my ex-GF and trying to get her back. And it kinda worked, we got back for a whole 4 days!!! Last night we (or she) had an argument, that turned into a fight, and now she doesnt' want me around anymore, again. Note: The argument was about alcohol. She said that she skiped that part on her life, as she never experienced what it was to get drunk and blah, blah, blah. I told her that it was nothing to worry about, as I spend most of my last highschool year drunk, and it was nothing but trouble. Then she went crazy, because I was "satanizing" alcohol, and I was just trying to drag her into my little stupid world. And she took from there. All I did was try to calm her down, but it got out of control, she got mad and WWIII started. I didn't wanted to fight, but everything I did just got her more and more furious. Well, the fact is, I'm not upset about last night, as I'm convinced that it was a "one party argument". But well, on her mind it was just a confirmation of how I just want to control her. I'm still waiting for her to say something like "you are just waiting for me to fall asleep so you can put a mind control chip on me!". Whatever... So I do love her, but I dont' think I can put with her drama anymore. And I dont' think she wants to either, as she is convinced I'm pure evil (she is another bipolar, and I'm guessing she has some serious paranoia issues, as everything I've done, she is convinced I've done it to harm or control her) So, whats next? What am I supposed to do? Any good books on how to get more friends, heal and how to get your life on track? I realize that she was my world, basically everythign to me. I have this emptyness where I know I dont' really enjoy anything, I don't have any friends at all, I'm pretty much an antisocial maniac depresive, so I have this tendency to drag people away from me (I know I do it, I realize I've done it, but only after I do it). And here I am, sitting in front of my computer trying to figure out what to do next, how to move on? Tomorrow I'll go to work, as usual, and it will be pretty much another meaningless wasted day. What must I do to bring some light and life into this time I'm just wasting, how do I turn this time into a real life?

I like down there at least trimmed very short or shaven if possible. I really hate hair there, it looks gross and dirty. I keep my hair down there very short, can't shave as my skin is WAY too sensitive. My GF used to shave all of it, and I loved to do oral on her! Hair keeps smells and, well, it is not funny when you go down on your girl and start choking with pubes on your throat! I think that if she shaves, I should shave. I did it and she saw how my skin got (all covered by very small pimples), so she was ok with me keeping it trimmed shortly. Then I discovered the miracle of electric shavers! But she didn't liked the hairless look.

No, I've never tried another antidepresive, as my doctor told the that "Efexor XR is one of the new and safest drugs, the old ones have very bad side effects". So he scared me away from other drugs. I know Aropax (Paxil, Seroxat), while being a different drug, behaves the same and has the same side effects. And that was the only other "safe drug" my doctor told me about. Napoleon: Where would that be?

Well, I'm not changing for her, I'm doing it for myself. I started most of it even before we broke NC, and I never thought of breaking NC. In fact, she broke the NC, and she did quite an effort to do it. The thing is, I live with my parents (the usual thing in Mexico, you don't move out until you are married), but I have my own phone line. She used to call to my phone and my cellphone and I never picked up the call. One day she called my parent's number! So there comes my mom with the phone on one hand "X wants to talk to you..." I wasn't planing it, in fact, back then I was quite convinced that I should never see her again. I had already purchased a membership for a sports club, was going to the gym, had bought myself a new motorcycle (an old and cheap one, but quite better than what I previously had), etc.

Yes, but only if I can sell my organs to afford it. But since organ traffic is a crime, I don't think that would be possible... Ah, by the way, where? I live in a 3rd world country!

Well, I tried not to be like that when I was around her. But she felt she could not have any friends of her own, blamed me for making her more depressed/bored, and bored her. Guess she had enough of me and now, maybe, she is being who she truly had been all this time. I'vee been trying to fix myself, now I'm going at the Gym (I've lost like 8 pounds so far), went to a party with the people from the office (for first time after working here for almost a year), bought me a new motorcycle! But have still been unable to make new friends... I think that the breakup was kind of a wakeup call, I've tried to improve what is at my reach, but guess still wasn't enough for her.

Hobbies sound great to atract the oposite sex, right? WRONG!!! There are hobbies that are dominated by males, motorcycles is one of those. I've found that the riding environment is exactly the same as my work environment, like 50 males per 1 female... I ride motorcycles, I LOVE riding, in fact, I don't use my car anymore. How many females I've known in my 2 years of riding, because of it, 0.

Well, she just told me that she had sacrificed a lot to be with me, but now she wants to experience that life. The part about a BF standing on her way, she told it to me, exactly like that. Maybe I made her hate me so much that now she is running into a lifestile where she knows I won't be around...???

Am I being weak? Yes, I think so, she had control of the situation... Not anymore (not that she really cares, anyway). Yes, I gave up on me, but I still have those instincts telling me to try to be happy. I see all the people around laughing, with a smile on their faces, and I want to be like them! Then I try it and reality comes and smacks me, then I have to face the truth, where I can't be like them... What is a "MAN" to do in this situation? Return back to my little world that includes myself and no one else, try to survive and... Thats what I've been doing for most of my life.

Its hard to have motivation... As motivation only brings more life, and more life only brings more pain. I've had enough of what I don't need, I feel no difference at all when I'm motivated or not, pain is still there. For me every new day is just one more day of pain and suffering. This is not life, is hell, and i'm trapped on it.

Ja! She just replied to my text message... Answer was beautifull: "OK" Damn! Its really hard to be here at the office when all I want to do is cry. Weil ich wirklich mich nicht mehr interessiere, bin ich gerecht, diesen Tag wartend... Edit: By the way, I did gave up a long time ago, I just keep trying to. Stupid me still has a little bit of faith deep inside.

I've been trying to fix myself for almost 27 years, with little or no success at all. I gave up on me a long time ago. I had been trying to find a little love for quite a bit of years, and, well... You know? It would have been easier if I had never understood what it is. As back then all I could do was long for something I dind't knew nor understood, now I miss it. Ich lebe mein Tod, Tag für Tag

Give up, that is what I've done. It is very hard to realize she doesn't want me around anymore. That means I've lost the only person that used to care about me... By now Giving up on love wasn't an option, was the only way. I know I'm not going to meet anyone else (antisocial bipolar guy, you know, girls love it!), so I rather not think about it anymore, as I perfectly know it is not going to happen.

I broke up with my GF something like 2 months ago. She broke NC with the excuse of having a couple of questions. Then we went to take a cofee. Couple of days later we saw again, and I told her I wanted to get back with her. Obviously she blew me away, saying that she has found this new life (party girl) and that she is extremely happy. Well, we hung out for most of the sunday, then saw her monday morning and went to take a cup of cofee... And I saw her again today in the morning, asked her to the movies, and she blew me away.. She - I'm going to the movies wiht my friends tonight Me - Can I come? She - No! Me - Why? She - I want to spend time with my friends, you aren't my boyfriend! Me - I'm sorry, I haven't seen you in a couple of days She - Sorry, I'm not behaving properly, I'm asking you to do things... Me - Sorry, I won't bother you again And then I left. When I got home I sent her this text message: Goodbye X I really wish you the best for your life. I may have been a fool for trying to get you back, but I don't deserve being treated like cr*p. Guess she isn't going to reply, so that means it is over and there won't be any chances to get back together... So oficially I've lost...

I've gave up a long time ago. Its scary I've got no will to live anymore. Today I went to buy a coke, as I was crossing the street there comes this minivan taking a turn wide and too fast. I just look at it, stood there and thought "finally", but he was able to avoid me. Proven chemical disorders, bipolar, thats it. I'm screwed for life. There is no chance of getting better, just more stupid pills that don't work. That is not life!

I can relate to the feeling, I was kissed for the first time when I was 23 (I'm 26 now) and man, it felt terrible... Recently broke up with that GF, my first and only GF. I've been trying to get back to her (without success). And I know that my chances of having another GF will be the same as before, that means that I should start looking into convents or celibate as a serious option. However, I can tell you this, a GF is not going to help you get over the loneliness and your depression. Those are signs of other issues with yourself, the lack of GF is just another symptom. You should focus into fixing those issues first, and hope for the best. I know in my case there is nothing more to do (my brain is messed up, bipolar) but if you are in a better situation, you will be able to fix whatever is wrong and start living a normal life.

( I used to take mood stabilizer (magnesium valproate), anti anxiety pills (another opium derivate, similar to valium) and the antidepresive, Efexor XR. Antidepresives don't work very well, or at least Efexor and other of the "new" antidepresives. I've built tolerance to the stuff, and phisical dependency. My mooth changes because a fly flies in front of me. Usually I wake up indiferent but by 6pm I'm depressed (it takes me about half day to notice that this day sucks, just like every other day). So I guess my doctor was right, I'm bipolar. I haven't been abused sexualy,, but I think I had my fair share of menthal abuse, but mostly by other kids and teachers, as I always was the problem kid, so I was always represed by my teachers/parents, and teased by the other kids. To tell the truth, what is the point of going to therapy? I've got something messed up on my genes, I'm missing the "happiness" gene, so therapy is not going to fix anything, the only way to "fix me" is to keep me fed with enough pills. So at the end I will just be paying to get prescriptions, as therapy is not going to help with the chemical problems in my brain. That is exactly what happened with my last psychiatrist, I ended up going and paying just for the prescriptions. And by now I can't afford spending almost half of my income in therapy! There are nothing like community mental health services here in Mexico.

That explains it all, she still wants him back and has tons of feelings for him. She may just had been saying whatever he wants to hear to keep him near.

wow, that was a long post!