Pips Estella
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NJRon, thank you so very much. Your last post has given me a surge of hope. Yes, I'm only 22 and I should remember that No, I don't want to be with someone who walks away from me. It's tough, really tough, admitting that the first man I truly felt a connection with doesn't want me. But I know this doesn't spell the end of my life. I'm looking forward to getting on with my personal projects and making myself happy. I will refer back to this thread when I get down in the dumps again. Thanks again. xxxx
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I'm scared that I've missed my only chance to truly love someone. I've had boyfriends before but it was nothing compared to how I felt about my ex. I am a commitment-phobe and while I was with him I wanted to be his wife, the mother of his children - all of which I kept to myself, in order to not freak him out. I guess I'm just scared that this was my only chance and I've lost it. Maybe I should have fought harder for it. I was perhaps too passive when it came to the breakup, nodding and agreeing with all his decisions cos I was afraid of looking desperate, clingy and ridiculous.
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In moments of pain, I'm torn between a) picking up the phone and using every argument in the book to get back with him and b) pressing him out of my mind and forgetting it all. I refuse to do a) out of pride and fear that he may just tell me to grow up and get lost. But with option b) I feel I could be giving up on an important relationship. You see, I've never felt so close to a guy before. Maybe I should take that into account ... grr I don't know what to do!!
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Thanks for your reply. I'm looking after myself, and it's doing me the power of good. It's just that I'm afraid I'm going to become my own worst enemy, for two reasons. One: more and more frequently I'm giving into fantasies that we're one day going to get back together and two: I keep thinking about the last words he said to me before I walked out of his life : "Ca se terminera pas" which roughly translates as "It's not finished". But I'm not sure what he was referring to, and I'm scared he just said it to make me feel better. The ambiguity kills.
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My ex broke up with me a month ago. We'd only been going out for five months, not even. At ground zero, I was ok. Our breakup was amicable; no tears were shed, no voices were raised. He said that I needed to forget him, and I agreed that it would be best. Things predictably slipped into No Contact. At first, I was fine; it seemed odd not to see him or talk to him but I threw myself into work and saw friends to take my mind off things. However, this past week, things have taken a sudden and unexpected downturn and I don't know why. It's almost always at night, I begin to think about him, the good times and how much I miss him. I will the feelings to go away and taunt myself that he's probably out with new girls having a great time. But I just end up crying until my chest hurts. I'm so angry with myself for not being able to get along with my life. To be honest, every time I miss him and wish to be back with him, I get really ashamed of myself. Any words of reassurance and comfort would be so dearly appreciated.
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S is new and exciting. But that doesn't mean she's going to be better than your wife in the long run. Remember that. Stay with your wife. You and she have proven that you can happily spend years together. That's very significant. The affair had a purpose. It's forced you to ask the question, "Do I still love my wife?" It's also forced your wife to ask the question, "Do I still love him?" You two are going to have to both answer these questions. If the answer is yes "but I'm bored in the relationship and a bit messed up right now" then your marriage is worth saving. If the answer is absolutely not (independent of your feelings for S), then be as decent and respectful as you can but break it off. You sound like you're not 100% happy in your marriage, but as you have three precious children to look after and your wife is a good woman, you should stick with it. There's a proverb that says, when you're single, keep both eyes open, but when you're married, keep one eye closed. Nobody's perfect. Accept people and their faults. So your wife doesn't have as much energy and interest in sport. Is she a good person? Does she do right by you? Will she pick you up when your down? Will she stand by you? To me, these are the most important things about a relationship, not if someone shares your passion for mountain-climbing. That seems rather superficial. I swear, all of this is enough to stop anyone getting married and having children, ever!
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Stolenshadow - your comment really made sense. In the past, both girls would get a bit frustrated with my level of spoken French (I'd ask them to repeat something, or have difficulty with a word) but they never seemed to really mind or bring me up on it. I think that their repressed disapproval of my language skills just poured out when they got together. Another one of my friends has reassured me that they would have done it to any foreigner trying to speak French - it wasn't personal. I think she's right. Both girls had just met each other and wanted some common ground to feel relaxed around each other. Unfortunately that common ground happened to be teasing me. Thanks to everyone who replied to my post. I don't feel that my confidence has returned yet after that knock, but give it a few more days, some bars of chocolate and striking up conversation with some new people, I may be well on my way to smiling again.
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The women whose husbands have left them say "stay". Crucially, the men who have been through this experience also say "stay". The overriding consensus is clear. Work at your marriage. Do you think you're having a mid-life crisis? "Camping outside her apartment" - that's the sort of thing I did aged sixteen. It's very romantic but not very realistic. Do you usually act all lovesick like that, or is this behaviour new and very unlike you? Maybe you've been a sensible, dependable, loyal husband for too long and are rebelling. You need to slow down, perhaps talk to someone - preferably your wife. I am sure that if you confessed your problems to her she would see them as the cause of your behaviour and would be more quick to excuse you. Marriages breakdown because one or two of the people in them cease to love each other and end up finding someone else. Do you think your marriage had already broken down, prior to meeting S? Or were things just plodding along nicely?
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I beg you, stay with your wife. If when you were married, you were genuinely in love, work through the problems, stay together. Your wife, and your children will thank you for it. If you don't love your wife - why oh why did you marry and have children with her - well, divorce is inevitable and people are going to get seriously scarred. Harsh words, perhaps. But I feel so strongly about this. My dad and my mum divorced, but they later confessed they'd got married as a kind of bet but both had residual feelings for others ... no wonder it failed! But if you have had a good marriage from the offset, if you love your wife dearly and it's not some kind of protective feeling or pity that keeps you two together, work out why you are so strongly attracted to S, work out why you find your wife less attractive and WORK THROUGH YOUR PROBLEMS.
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Hey Liquid Cherry - great name by the way, One thing that upsets me about relationships, is that sometimes we kid ourselves that keeping a bad one is better than being alone. Are you afraid of being alone? I became very afraid of being alone some months ago. I was going out with a guy. He treated me badly. There was cheating, lying, shouting. But I could not break away from him. Why, despite the bad treatment? It felt like such a definitive gesture, and also, I thought I'd feel worse-off if I was by myself. Well, I took a breath and cut him loose. Oh, and he begged, begged for me to come back. But I remember the bad times; you have to focus on them, otherwise you get softened by rhetoric and go, "ok, I'll give us one more try". I wouldn't. If anyone calls you stupid they a) lack respect b) are basically not a good person and c) think they can get away with it. No, they can't. Get angry. A week, two weeks after the breakup, I felt awful. I questioned whether I had made the wrong decision, but all I had to do was recall how upset I'd been *in* the relationship. I developed little techniques for keeping myself sane. I read my favourite books one more time, I wrote my thoughts and feelings onto paper, I listened to my favourite upbeat songs, I spoke to friends and family. Nothing out of the ordinary. I just tried my best to keep a level head. And, my God, after a couple more weeks, I felt free. Sure, I didn't have someone in the room with me all the time but *I began to like myself again*. The more I thought about my ex, the less I could understand why he'd been so mean to me. Then I had the great big epiphany that hopefully one day you'll have too - he was acting like an arsehole to me. I feel better about myself. Much better. I had to go through some * * * * to get here, but it's all over now. I've got the stage where I can say to myself with conviction: I'd rather wait for someone kind, sweet, gentle and warm rather than cling to a bastard. Harsh words, but he doesn't exactly sound like he *didn't* deserve them. Thanks again for replying to my post
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I read your post and *had* to reply. It reminded me so much of a situation I have been in. Before I go on, I totally respect that there may be major differences in what happened to me and what is happening to you, so my advice won't apply. Nevertheless, I'll make a start. I had a best friend who was male, at the same time as having a boyfriend. The problem was, I had stronger feelings for my best friend than my boyfriend. Why wasn't I dating my best friend? Because he didn't ever give me any signs of wanting that sort of a relationship. But my boyfriend *did* and as I cared a hell of a lot about him, I remained with him. But, the point is, being with my boyfriend DID NOT stop my feelings for my best friend. Whenever I would see my best friend, or speak to him, I would get *very* clingy, not wanting to hang up the phone, or say goodbyes. I felt a little guilty that I didn't feel this way towards my boyfriend, but I tried not to think about it. To cut a long story short, I no longer talk to my best friend. I have tried to cut him out of my life. It sounds harsh, but why? Because I'll never stop wanting to be with him, but he will never want to be with me. And although my boyfriend doesn't *say* anything, he notices my changes of behaviour around my best friend - he sees that there's feeling there, and it hurts him. So no contact with my best friend seems the best way forward. It hurts like hell, but we've tried to be friends and yet my feelings for him just get in the way and make me sad. Sure, I do not know whether your friend has strong feelings for you like I had for my own best friend. But *if* that turns out to be the case, and you DON'T want to date her, tell her straight, otherwise she'll spent a lot of time waiting for you, hurting herself and her boyfriend.
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I suppose I feel a bit lonely today and would love to write in the hope that someone out there could give some advice or just some words of encouragement! I live in Paris and am learning French. Last night, I had two French friends around to my apartment for coffee. Now, as my French is by no means perfect, I do make quite a few mistakes. But the two friends spent the whole evening pointing out and laughing at *every* mispronunciation, every incorrect use of vocabulary, register and grammar that I made. At first, it was like being teased, and I took it with good grace. But after I while, I felt positively ganged up on and outnumbered. They may not sound like good friends at all, but here's the funny thing: I have known one of them for four years and the other, a good few months, but both I considered as my best friends in Paris. I can assure you, they have never treated me horribly before now - they have always corrected my mistakes or accepted them, which is fine! But when they are together, like they were for the first time last night, they mock me relentlessly. The worst bit was, it was mocking for mocking's sake: when I made an error, they simply looked at each other, laughed and never corrected me. I spoke to one of them about on MSN a later on, but she accused me of being too sensitive. I told her that I don't mind being teased about mistakes in French, but after THREE hours of constant teasing, I felt more like a victim than their friend. Indeed, their behaviour did remind me of bullies at school and when they left my apartment, I felt like I'd lost the respect of both of my friends. I have to confess, I didn't feel so friendly towards them after that. So, I feel a bit sad this morning. I've read some books and tried to speak my thoughts aloud (also known as, talking to yourself!) but I still feel rather dejected. If you do find some spare time, I would really welcome some advice. I do like both of these girls but now I've seen their "dark side", I don't consider them to be "best friends" anymore. Even if they apologise for upsetting me, things can't really be the same again, can they?
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This brings back so many memories of how my relationship started. My ex-boyfriend and I had feelings for each other, but he still loved his then girlfriend. But he wanted to be with him. Then ensued some of the most traumatic weeks of my life. I eventually became the girlfriend, and the ex-girlfriend was NOT happy. Needless to say, my then boyfriend dithered between the two of us to keep us both happy. It killed me to see him leave a romantic dinner with me so he could step outside and calm his screaming girlfriend down on his cell phone. Seriously, if you feel you've been relegated to second best, it's going to rip your self-esteem to shreds in the long run. You need to be first best, always.
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My story is long...do you have MSN?
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13 years old with self-esteem problems
Pips Estella replied to Piinky SweaR's topic in Personal Growth
You should send me a photo and I'll let you know what I find beautiful about your face. There is beauty in everyone. Don't do this if you're unsure, but if you want the opinion of someone who has been through this, please let me try and help! I'll PM you my email xxx -
All you can do is play it straight and say: I really want to be with you. If she continues to um and ah, then it's either one of two things a) her feelings for you aren't very strong b) she distrusts you Try and get her to give a reason. If it's a) then there's not much you can do. If it's b) then you can tell her you're very sorry, explain why you acted the way you did and hope that she forgives you. If she forgives you, then all's well and if not, move on. Otherwise you'll get hurt. Try and be as firm as possible. Most women like decisive men. Plus, if you are straight with her, and she says no, you're subsequent No Contact could reignite her interest in you and within a few days your phone may be buzzing. It's a possibility.
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Do you trust her now?
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13 years old with self-esteem problems
Pips Estella replied to Piinky SweaR's topic in Personal Growth
Hey, I was really touched by your story. I got bullied at school too, the kids picked on my looks quite a bit. As a result I'm quite obsessed with the way I look - but I'm getting better. I used to be scared to look in mirrors and would never accept compliments. But now, I realise it's important to look in the mirror in order to look your best (smooth down that hair!) and compliments are really lovely to receive. Although I really wish my nose was smaller and that my lips were more full, it's not that important to me anymore. What I really like is how I look when I'm happy. I've had so many good photos taken of me when I've been giggling or smiling. It's strange but, I think people are at their most beautiful when they're cheerful! -
Regretfulman, is there any particular reason why you kept your feelings bottled up?
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It sounds like you two were not able to fulfil one another, despite your best efforts. Such a thing is always a shame, especially when there are two good people who want to be together. But it really is best to move on, in my opinion. My ex and I have constantly tried to get back together and patch up our flagging relationship, but if one thing wasn't amiss, it was another, and in the end we hurt and disappointed the other more and more. Don't let it get to this stage, really - we all get one chance in this life, so you may as well hold onto the good memories and do all it takes to prevent bad ones from developing. Sorry if my advice is a little pessimistic but I've literally spent all night arguing with my ex!
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On the surface, I feel nothing. I can laugh off a break-up in a second. But deep down, I think something's wrong. I can't get to sleep. I keep on sleeping with strangers I meet at bars. I feel oddly moved to cut my forearms and just generally do myself some damage. I don't know what's happening to me. It is almost as if my brain is saying one thing (you're ok) yet I'm acting as if I'm a manic depressive. I cannot believe how detached I am - it scares the hell out of me. I feel like I could do anything and just not care. I don't feel anything. I think it would be for my own good if I got some advice. Can you help?
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My best friend told me he loved me, & now he's gone
Pips Estella replied to Pips Estella's topic in Trust and Relationships
I think he regrets saying anything to me. I don't think he can offer me the sort of love I want...hence why he's not here with me now, but doing whatever, wherever. Without me. It's just at moments like this when I feel so sad. I thought we were close and open with each other - but we're not. Otherwise, why would I be left feeling so confused? I think what pains me most is that I never asked him to say 'I love you' to me. He knew what my feelings for him were, but had always avoided the subject. But to, out of the blue, say he loves me...only to then act as if he didn't mean it... It makes me feel like I ought to distrust him. Am I going too far? -
My best friend told me he loved me, & now he's gone
Pips Estella replied to Pips Estella's topic in Trust and Relationships
Hey DN, My reply to his declaration? "I love you too." Sent, in a letter. I was very direct. So why the cold shoulder from him? Sometimes I get the feeling he's scared of my feelings. He often told me I was someone with whom he could see infinite happiness, but that he was too scared of being as intensely emotionally involved in a relationship as he would be with me / scared of our relationship not working out and our friendship lost. The last word I got from him is that he doesn't know what his feelings are for me but I must not doubt that he loves me very much. Confused? You should be. Welcome to my problem. -
Paul is the sweetest guy in the world. He is always there for me when I need him, we can talk about silly things and important things in equal measures...and I've extremely strong feelings for him. He doesn't have them for me. But then again, he recently sent me a long letter that finished with the words 'I love you'. I was so confused when I read that - he had gone out with many girls since knowing me, so obviously didn't put me in the 'girlfriend' category. But why did he write to tell me 'I love you'? And it was done completely voluntarily! However, since writing me this letter he has been less keen to correspond with me. I wanted to contact him everyday but he is suddenly not available. I feel hurt. I wonder if his intentions towards me are good. How can you tell someone 'I love you' by letter and then not want to build on that? Where has he disappeared to, and why? And am I destined to forever love him from afar?
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Lavender's good to induce drowsiness. You could always get a night job and capitalise on your insomnia.