bungalo

Good work. I am still grieving you are correct. But I appreciate the suggestions.

I think you are doing better than you think. It is absolutely normal to be scared about marriage. It is a huge step with lots of consequences if it doesn't work. I don't know your whole story-from the sounds of your email it doesn't sound like it's completely broken if you're taking about marriage and carrying on a long distance relationship. Only you can determine if he is the right guy for you-doing what's right is doing what's right for YOU.

My ex is living in my head 24/7 and she's in my dreams. I need a break from my brain. Tonight exercise didn't do it. Going out to eat didn't help. Nothing helps. It's only been about a month. List how you successfully distract yourself. Thanks

I don't think she knows what she wants. At one point she said she wanted to date again to experience "the romantic love" phase. We are both over 40, so the options are not as plentiful as they are for younger people. Someone invited her to re-join volleyball team she was on, but she said all the same "goober guys" are still on it! NC is reeeeeealllllyyyyyy hard but I gotta stick with it.

That's the thing...there is no meeting...when I saw her last to pick up my stuff I suggested that we go out and just have fun...she agreed and then said she didn't know when! I didn't want to pressure her and I know I came accross strong and in control. I did not cry or beg. It's very confusing because she tells me our relationship worked on a spiritual, emotional, physical and intellectual level-she said she'd never experienced that before...told me the sex was fantastic..told me she still loves me....kissed me...but she also said she wanted to date again and experience the "romantic love" phase again. So you can see why I'm suffering.......

Hey Silly, How did you two reconnect? How long was the NC, and did you break up with him or vice versa?

When my ex broke up with me-I asked her if there was any chance for reconciliation at a later time. She said yes. I also gave her an out by saying, I'd rather hear it now and start moving on than cling to false hope. I also said that if that's what's she's doing (giving me false hope) then it's very cruel. She assured me that she was telling the truth. So now almost one month later, and 10 days since I've seen her (to pick up some stuff from her house) I am still in agony. I have not contacted her since this visit. I know NC is best for my healing, but in my heart and mind I still think that NC will make her miss me and call me. I almost lost it today. I went to a different church so I wouldn't run into her and it was devestatingly sad. I didn't even make it through the service-we always went to church together. Dying.......

Most women like confident men who take charge-not bully or demand, but plan an evening and take care of every detail. Also, when women talk about problems, that is a way for them to get close to their man-it's a bonding thing, but they don't want you to come up with ways to fix the problem-they want you to listen and empathize with their feelings. Women (and men) like mystery. Don't be so predictable that she gets bored-keep the romance alive. Don't bring up other women, past loves or exes they absolutely hate this because they seem to always think that you're comparing them to the other women. How's that for starters?

Male dumpee: sad empty longing confusion fear hopeless addicted old alone hurt

Thanks..yeah I take responsibility for my behavior...not sure if she does. She admitted that she seems to hook up with guys she can "fix." One of her church friends told her she was really trying to fix herself. When my career looked promising earlier this year she called all down and out and said that I probably wouldn't "need" her anymore once I got rolling. She also said she feels unworthy of love. ????? So I'm not the only one with issues.....

I am suffering over the loss of my ex of nearly 2 years. She says she still loves me and says it might work out eventually. SOmeone pointed out that comments like these are often just a "foot in the door' and a way to let you down easy. The fact of the matter is I know she loves me and I love her. Last spring she suggested that I go to counseling for emotional problems. I am not abusive, I just had a habit of dumping problems on her. I went to a counselor as she requested and I wasn't ready and didn't feel like we clicked. Now that she's gone, I am in weekly counseling, and it is really helping. I have also straightened out my career problems (another big issue for her). My problem is maintaining NC. I want to go at least a month with no contact. I have to fight the urge to pick up the phone..so far I am holding out. She has not contacted me except to return a call in almost a month. I did see her a little over two weeks after the split and she was crying and sleep deprived and agreed with me when I said it would be great to just go out and have fun. But she couldn't say when. I don't like living in future land holding out hope that we will patch it up, but I do. I really feel like she is the one, and if I can show her strength by not bugging her (I was too dependent-she was a bit too) she will respect that and we can possibly rekindle our love. Ideas? Comments?

I think it's an individual thing. I know that I dumped my second wife because she refused to take care of herself-physically and emotionally. When someone doesn't respect themselves you can't really respect them either. Sometimes it's just clingyness that drives people away...I've been clingy myself and highly dependent, but am working on it.

I seem to get the most clarity first thing in the morning. I am about 4 weeks out of a two year relationship and now I can see where the thing wasn't working. She was always analyzing the relationship, you know, taking its temperature every hour.. comparing it to her previous loves, saying things like: I always run away when it gets too emotionally intense..saying things like, "dating is so hard, why does it have to be so hard.?" When I get honest with myself I recognize how restless I was with her and how she was kind of rigid in her behavior. Not much spontanaity. Once we got going, she was a great lover, but it was like I had to break her down every time to get her to let go. I like a woman to seduce me once in a while. SHe never did this. I made lots of mistakes and I take responsibility for them, Oh well, comments?

First of all, I am sorry about your breakup after so many years. Why did you two breakup? Secondly, reading someone else's mail-ESPECIALLY your ex's is a boundary issue. In her eyes you invaded her man, and she will more than likely NEVER trust you again. I hacked into my ex's email...I don't think she knew...but she changed her password after many years... so I don't know. You are seeing everything through the eyes of pain and isolation...so remember that you will not feel this way forever. Don't reject yourself because you both rejected the relationship. You do have strength..you will carry on and do ok in your career FOR YOU. NOT HER or the relationship. People come and go...and don't push for a reconciliation. THe best way to heal is to have no contact with her-and that means everything..no letters, calls, text messages...driveby's etc. Work on yourself and you will attract another relationship. I am going through the same thing and it hurts like hell...(although she broke it off with me and I didn't want it). but I know it will pass. The only exception in your case is if she wants to talk to you about the future child she is carrying. Then it's time to take responsibility .Peace

Say something funny, or comment on something in the environment. Don't use an obvious pickup line...but don't be so bland that you say nice day huh?

Thanks everyone. I've been through this before...and I forgot how hard it was to move on. I think you're right on with the "keeping her foot in the door" comment. I have decided TODAY that I WILL NOT CONTACT HER NO MATTER WHAT, UNTIL I'VE GOT MY FEET UNDER ME AND AM FEELING HEALED.

I wish to hell she would call. Not one email, call, text...nothing in almost a month. The breakup was amicable. Lots of crying and hugs and kisses. SHe even said she was open to reconciling....just couldn't say when. I know this is pathetic sounding....but how long do I wait? I feel pretty strong when it comes to NC...I have friends/family and a counselor who supports me. I know everyone is different and I acknowledge my neediness in the relationship..but she is a warm loving, highly sensitve person. It seems impossible to me that she would just drop offf the face of the earth. Ideas?

Hi Reddog, I could use your help on NC. I called her today, but she was in a meeting..and the operator didn't get my name..so....It's only been a little over 3 weeks since the breakup...after 2 years together..she has not contacted me one time. It was not an ugly breakup....just lots of tears....she said she was confused and felt to drained an overwhelmed by the relationship (on top of problems with her job and kids). I was reading her email..but she changed her password. She is not too computer savvy..I hope she didn't find out that I was reading her stuff. She saved all the loving emails I sent her during our time together. I am starting to feel better, and realizing that we were too addicted to each other. In fact that's what I was going to tell her when I called her. I talked to my good friend who brought up the point that I needed to take a hint-since she has not made one single contact with me since she ended it. Advice on nc? Thanks!

I've always found that once you surrender...or give up...THEN YOU HEAR FROM THEM! Find a new guy to date....and watch

Ok here's a quick explanation. The dance of love. Someone persues you-you run. They keep persuing you-you run even further! SO don't run after her...in other words no contact. It's a dynamic of relationships...the dance is always going on to some degree. So let her run after you-I know it takes time and patience, and if she doesn't let a month go by-ask her out for a causual date and try to spark things s-l-o-w-ly play it cool.

Hey Super Dave, Try not to listen to the doom and gloom reports about breakups being the complete death of your relationship forever. True I don't know your circumstances, but I know people who have broken up and reuinted and married! The key is staying positive and not pushing things. Don't be like all the other guys who whine and whine for an explanation to soothe your damaged ego. Be strong. Show her the male strength characteristic. True it's important to be vulnerable too...but save that for when the times are more solid. Pick up a copy of "How to get your ex Back" at the bookstore by Blase Harris. This guy's got a good-non manipulative strategy for rekindlling relationships..and it is designed for men and women. Of course nothing is 100% guaranteed....but this time for me, I am staying positive no matter what happens! Best.

Hey Thanks Shadows/light and Beec. The reason I titled it "therapy" was because I needed to vent..you made some good points though about the triggers...which I already realized, but nice to have it confirmed. No, I'm not just sitting around..Ok I am sitting around MORE than when we were together..but I signed up for a night class..and I'm exercising and stuff like that. Yup been to Operas, the Symphony, many many rock concerts so no paucity of experiences for this lad. Thanks again

I'm a newbee. 3 weeks ago, My g/f of 2 years broke up with me saying "I can't do it anymore," and "I finally chose me." It's not as harsh as it sounds...she still says she loves me, and I love her. We are both divorced with kids and 40+. She is a counselor, and when we met I was still on the rebound from my last g/f. It was very tough, but I think we worked our way through this rough initial phase. She made it clear that she didn't want to be my counselor-she wanted to be my lover. I completely agreed with this, but she really encouraged me to share my problems with her at the same time. She told me several times during our time together that her pattern has been to run away when things got too emotionally intense. As time went on, I had many problems with my career...I had to leave one job due to an intolerable new boss who put me on an intolerable schedule. My g/f's ex husband (who is now actually deceased, and was a cold, man who didn't like sex) quit his job when they were married, and she wound up supporting the family for like 15 years or something. I did find another position 2 months later....but this job (through no fault of my own) got downsized into a part time thing. Well after I told her this news..we had a beautiful, loving weekend (no problems in the bedroom at all) and on the next Monday, she is ultra crabby and negative on the phone. I was too. I'm trying to keep this brief-but it's hard. All in all we had a tremendously loving and close relationship. The next day she calls to break it off-citing the loss of my last job as the reason. Two days later I got a new, secure job. I take responsibility for my "neediness," and through much reading and therapy I believe I have made tremendous progress. I have not hounded her or begged her...I have given her space. I did cry when she told me the news-and so did she.It is really hard-since we were together for a long time and talked every day. I saw her in church about a week after the split, and she was crying and said she was grieving. I was supportive and brief with her and gave her a hug in the parking lot-and left. A week later I called her to make arrangements to pick up my bike. She sounded angry on the phone, complained about her job and her daughter.. but she was civil towards me. We set up a time for that Thursday for me to get my bike and I asked her if we could go to a nearby part...just to talk and catch up. She agreed. So during the time we've been apart, I am working on my self-esteem and assertiveness. I get to her house, and I am in really good shape emotionally. She is not. She is crying and tells me she can't go to the park and says why don't we just talk here. So I am very calm, but I do tell her that I want to see her when she's ready. I told her we needed to go out and have fun again. She agreed with me. She also said that she felt like my "Mom" during our time together..I didn't get defensive or anything..but I think it was obvious to her that I had changed-she even mentioned that my energy was different. She also told me that she has a habit of going with guys she thinks she can "fix." And then when they improve (always because of their own efforts) she feels like they won't need her anymore. I told her how unhealthy this was. She seemed genuinely pleased with my new "take charge" approach-and it was not an act, this is how I am living my life now. Soooo...She tells me she doesn't know when she'll be ready to go out again...she tells me how hot the sex was....tells me she still loves me...we have a nice kiss before I leave. So now, despite my self-improvement progress, I am still in a lot of pain over her, and she takes up a lot of room in my head...but I am able to go to work and get things done. I have decided to have no contact with her for one month, then call her and go have lunch or coffee and see if we can salvage this. I know this was a long post, but I needed to adequately explain things.