nilli

Hi Rosy, I just wanted to thank you for indirectly helping me with your post. What you wrote about feeling negative feelings was really insightful for me. I especially loved the highlighted phrases. So true. thanks!

hey, you sound like a very reasonable person. having a good talk with her sounds like a good idea. Say what you want and leave it open for her to respond. perhaps don't say you think you should take a break if this isn't what you want but be prepared that this is the answer you might get. I'm always a bit leary about giving advice as much of what I have experienced is behind it so may be the wrong thing for others! I just realised that if I'd seriously had a good talk with him much earlier on, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache. Thing is, i probably didn't push it because I knew what his answer would be. The times I did speak up weren't very fruitful and my backtracking must have given him the impression that he could do as he wished and i would always be there. Good luck with this.

Sorry you're going through this....the disappointment and second-guessing can get very tiring. You're right, it is us that put ourselves through it. My ex has texted me a few times but I ignored him - ignoring him doesn't feel great, I feel somewhat impolite but what *is* keeping me going is that if he has anything significant to say, he will say it. I feel that not being in touch with him is allowing me to consider the relationship as a whole instead of just focusing on the last thing that was said/done which distracted me from the bigger picture. There's really nothing I can do or say anymore. I know what you mean about wanting to hear and not wanting to hear from them. Here if you need to vent!

My situation isn't the same but that's the kind of loss I'm also dealing with...something that went on for so long but never really started. We are mourning the loss of our dreams of what could have been...at least i think that's how it is for me. Those dreams are still mine though, I just need to find a new leading man with a compatible script

martiniolive...thanks! It's great to hear success stories. He texted me late on friday night (12.30 am) asking what i was doing and I never replied. I wobble sometimes, especially for ignoring him..but...yes, I admit it, I was a doormat! But my intentions were good. Ah well...will have to keep focusing on doing things I enjoy.

hey mr, how are things going? I am feeling like such an idiot right now and wondering why I didn't wake up sooner. I couldn't agree with you more when you say there's nothing we could have done differently and this knowledge is something that is really helping me. My thinking has been *warped* over this guy and that is a scary realisation! The last contact I had was two weeks ago. I asked him (on msn) what had happened since the time we last saw eachother as he had been distinctly cool since then. He went offline and never answered and I didn't sign in again and eventually deleted him. My most recent crazy thinking was 'oh no, what if I had signed in again and he had spoken to me'...as if something I could do could change something....I suppose sometimes it's easier than facing facts - he doesn't care enough to reply....and that's such a basic thing that a friend would do. I'm sorry to hear you are having troubles. You sound like you have your head screwed on right. Don't let yourself be messed around with for a long time as it really is soul destroying...the worst realisation being that you let it happen. Did her distancing coincide with her ex contacting her? I have to say that this forum is unhealthy for me sometimes (yet strangely addictive). It seems as though no one gets over their exes and I wonder if I'm doomed to dating guys that are constantly looking over their shoulder and secretly pining away for someone else. Good luck with everything, nilli x

just venting a moment. I've deleted him from my phone and msn. been over a week now with no contact and I'm feeling a bit blue today. The last thing i said said to him was 'what happened since the last tinme we saw eachother?' and I never got a reply. That hurts me as, although the relationship was certainly lacking in committment and intimacy, we were still 'involved' in some way for 3 years. I just disappeared after that so silence was my closure. I know the relationship wasn't what I wanted and I know I've tried my best. I just feel very rejected and sad about the finality of it all. I'm also angry with myself that I didn't face up to the truth earlier and, embarrassing to admit it, I also feel very jealous of his previous relationship...they were together for 10 years so he must be capable of loving someone in a committed way...not me however. I think I really miss being in a proper relationship and I feel a bit 'old', wondering if I'll ever meet anyone. I've started a new job recently and am having a lot of new experiences...I kind of want to share this with someone. Just on a bit of a downer today and feeling it more intensely as I was doing well for a while...hopefully just a hiccough. I know I need to plod on and be positive.

Hi 7out102, You asked me a girls point of view on why she contacts you and I agree with your interpretation. She knows you love her, likes the idea of this and throws you scraps now and again...whilst she goes about her own life. Hey, why make any decisions? You're there, you're waiting. I have to say though that maybe she doesn't know how her behaviour is affecting you. This is just speculation of course and trying to get into sombody else's head is not very productive as you just don't know! You say yourself you can go months without being in touch. You say she sometimes ignores your texts and emails - she is not even treating you like a friend. If you feel it is worth talking to her then do so, tell her how you feel and what you want. Ideally this would be best in person. Failing that, a telephone call? At least you have immediate feedback. If you write a letter will you risk not getting a reply? If she didn't reply, could you accept that as a 'no' or would you perhaps feel like you were still waiting? You say you have a feeling she will disappear for a while. I can relate to this, I never wanted to push the issue with the guy I was seeing as when I did he too would disappear for a while. It's just not nice or respectful! These are not the actions of people who care about us romantically, nor are they the actions of a friend. Who is she to you? Why do you want her? Why do you want to stay in touch and hear about her with other guys? What else is going on in your life at the moment? Are there things you could be working on? These are just a few questions to ponder on. I hope you can get to the bottom of this one way or another. Being in limbo is tough! (((((hugs))))) nilli

Hey hun, I think you also need to consider that she also screwed up with you. You can't prop up a relationship single-handedly. I can relate to some of your feelings but thankfully I'm starting to come around. I've been on/off in a "relationship" (use term very loosely) for almost 3 years. He appears and disappears and precisely because it's been almost 3 years, I think to myself - hey, he must have some feelings at least to have been in my life in some fashion all this time- and actually thinking that if this was the case, that would be ok with me. Stuff that! I want someone who will be straight with me and really love me and want to communicate...and where I can feel safe to express my feelings in turn and not have them ignored. Honestly, I have made a lot of mistakes too but my biggest mistake to date is being willing to accept less and less to the point that my self-esteem was in tatters, I shut myself away from the world and was dependent on any little scraps of communication, allusions to maybe meeting up and msn conversations that fuelled my hope. Devastation if I didn't hear from him for 2 days. I didn't want to let go of because..hey what then? He completely occupies my thoughts. If I don't have him to think about, maybe I'll actually have to get back out there and actually work on being happy. That prospect is scary....but think of the rewards! You know, even just tiny steps are great...if they are in the right direction for you. You don't have to 'get there' to start feeling more at peace, you can feel that way along the way. I went to see a counsellor and, in the beginning I didn't think it was working but the shift is gradual and I'm starting to feel better. Try writing down 10 qualities about yourself (I know these things sometimes feel silly but really try, only you have to read it). Read it everymorning for 30 days (they say it takes 30 days to acquire a new habit - in this case, balancing negative self-talk). I have to say though, that I was given a ton of advice for a very long time but it took me a while to take it onboard, as I really did lose myself back there, so don't be discouraged if your heart is not into healing yet. I have to agree with Friscodj when he says that perhaps she isn't aware of just how much this situation is affecting you and the anguish you feel. hugs nilli x p.s. I only deleted him off msn and deleted his number today so I'm just starting to take back control of the situation. I dearly hope you will find it in your heart to let go.

Hi there, please don't be so hard on yourself or tell yourself you SHOULD do things or SHOULD be over it. If that's not true for you at the moment, these statements will only put pressure on you. Everyone heals at their own pace so you don't know it's going to take you another 6 months or so...and if it does, you are going to see continual, gradual improvements in that time even if you suffer a few setbacks. You won't necessarily be stuck with your current feelings for a further six months. I find it useful (when I can manage it!) to remember that something wonderful could happen to me this very afternoon, or tomorrow etc, etc. You just don't know. Try not to predict how you will be feeling, if this helps. hugs to you, I know it's awful. nilli x

your post made me smile boomvang. After all, here I am kicking myself for being silly enough to get myself "stuck" in this situation.... whilst seriously questioning my intelligence! Thank you

"Here's what I notice - a man can be unreliable etc and then all he has to do is cook for you and show you pretty pictures and that gets your hopes" eek! I hadn't thought about it like that. I really want to remember this! Thank you.

Hey Batya, thanks for your insightful reply! I am certainly considering why I didn't walk away. I am beginning to rebuild relationships after having effectively shunned company to wallow in my misery for so long and would very much like to have a good and sharing relationship one day. I didn't issue ultimatums so no, his meeting me wasn't conditional. When I told him I wanted more, he said the relationship was strange and that maybe he wasn't capable of giving anymore at that time (and clearly now too). When I saw him last he was very sweet, he cooked for me, we watched a dvd, he showed me photographs and his treasured possessions etc, it felt so nice my hopes immediately sprang up again. I don't feel so devastated now by his lack of attention to me as I did in the past, but I wanted to let him know that I didn't understand the swift change. We went from chatting all day every day (during the week) to a noticeable decline right after seeing eachother and I felt hurt and confused...but also aware that he made no promises. That's the thing, it's not like his words and actions don't match. There are no words really. Does that make me even more of a fool? i don't know. I don't know what to do now. As i said, commencing nc makes me feel like I'm sending a clear message that I don't appreciate how I'm being treated but he never really gave me false hope. I don't know how to behave now.

Hey guys, thanks for your replies...appreciate your input. It's horrible to realize that I've been flogging a dead horse for so long. I think it's the length of time I've tried that really gets to me. I find it hard to accept that he too would remain "involved" for so long without there being something more....but there is evidence to the contrary. *sighs resignedly*

I've been casually on/off involved with a 30yr old guy for almost 3 years. He came out of a ten-year relationship a year and a half ago. Although I really hit rock bottom with this situation, I don't regret it as it has brought me to a point in my life where I feel more aware of myself and what I want. I've changed jobs and I'm feeling happier. I have to really deal with this now. The relationship is very much characterised by avoidance of conflict and communication - I don't feel loved and I don't feel able to express my love for him. It seems the moment we get closer, he pulls away. It builds up again, and the cycle continues. After not seeing him for 2 and a half months (after telling him I wanted more) but chatting daily on messenger, we meet up at my request. He invites me to his flat (only 3rd time I've been there - yes, I'm counting!), we spend a lovely evening together, I go home next day. This was roughly 3 weeks ago and since then he has been talking to me less and less via messenger. I always seem to initiate conversations. He texts me out of the blue sometimes but it's all quite "formal and polite". Sometimes I feel we are strangers and I realise I don't really know him because he won't talk about his feelings at all. I don't want to make him out to be the bad guy as I'm sure his relationship ending is significant (I know zero about it though) and he has his own issues. I also keep my distance a little as I'm not good with conflict and I feel that confronting him means I'll lose him completely, which is what i really need to get my head around as I don't "have" him anyway!. Today he was online and I asked "hey, so what's happened since the last time we met up?" and....he signed off instantly and only signed on again when I appeared offline. I'm a little surprised as he doesn't usually purposefully ignore me...a typical response would be 'what's the problem? I'm busy with work'. What do you make of this? I'm worried about signing in again but I hate "disappearing" as I feel it just aggravates the avoidance aspect and I feel like I'm punishing him for not meeting my emotional demands, so to speak. I'm having trouble telling the difference between being understanding and being a fool. I could be seriously deluded (!) but I don't feel like it was only sex and he does reach out to me now and again but I'm starting to feel very silly about this whole thing. It's so strange. What do you make of this?