MrMikeWikowski

Hmmm, I have given it nearly a year..... I guess I still need more time

Well, the saga continues.... I have been doing NC with my ex for nearly six months. I ran into her a little over a month ago. However, two weeks ago she asked me to go for coffee with her. I didn't know if it was a good idea, but I still love her, and thought maybe it could be the start of something good. She asked me after all. Sooo: I had coffee with her yesderday. It was good at first. She was dressed up and looked really good. I tried to be reserved and cool. I thought I was doing pretty good till she asked if I was seeing anyone. I can't lie at all, and said no. Things got awarkward for a bit. She said well you should. I just was quiet and continued with light conversation. I wanted to stay away from anything heavy. After some more conversation she told me she was living with someone - they live 4 blocks from me Anyway, I guess I wasn't prepared to hear that. It hurt. I kept on going though. I never said I missed her, or that I loved her, or that I wanted to get back to together. She asked if she could see me again and try to be friends. I said I couldn't be friends with her. She said that is fair. The entire time she kept saying I just wanted to see how you are doing? I don't know if she was trying to convince herself of this, or me? Then we left. I gave her a very quick hug and walked away. I felt like I had been hit with a brick. I thought that I would be stronger, but it hurt really bad. It feels like she has moved on, and completely replaced me witht this new guy. I had a rough. I feel like I am just running myself into hard wall. She gives me mixed messages, and I have hope. A bad combinations I guess. I don't know what to do now. Do you think I messed up any chances that I probably don't have??? And since I am really hurting, I need some advice on what to do. I have been strong again and not emailed her, or anthing. I talked to my mom. She told me I need to get some closure. That there are too many unknows for me to move on. She suggested I ask my ex to do a few counselling sessions. thoughts? Please, any feedback would be greatly appreciated. I feel like I have taken a huge step back. Any ideas of what I should do would be more than welcome. Thanks so much in advance. Mike

Hi, Sorry to hear about your pain, and about your difficult situation. So, if you plan on staying at school this is what I suggest. And yes, I was devestated last year - I wasn't in school, but I did think about quitting my job because i thought I couldn't cope. Guess what? I coped. Didn't Quit. Didn't loose my job. Actually my boss loved me. You can survive. Trust me. It is hard, but you can. Actually all the school work might be a good thing. To focus on something else. here are a few things that helped me. One hour, one assignment, one day at a time. Break things up. Try to set really small goals. Like making it an hour without wishing that things were different. Small steps will bring you far. Realize that you will hurt. Nothing anyone can say will ease that - although i wish it could. BUT also realize that the hurt will get less and less and less. - especially if you take one day at a time Do some things you love to do. They might seem to not be quite as much fun as they were, but trust me, they still are Hang out with friends. Be yourself. You can still hurt, and still smile at the same time. If it is really bad. Put a rubberband on your wrist, and snap it anytime you think of your ex. Good luck and take care of yourself. Mike

As a guy who was cheated on, and as a guy that still wanted (wants) her back I have a few things to say. One, is that when you really love someone, you really love someone. You hurt like hell, but you are unable to stop how you feel - true love just can't be shut off like a tap. I loved, and hurt, and let myself be used by my ex. Both our faults really. Sounds like it might be the same in your case. This guy sounds like he really loves you. He loves you so much, he is probably in some major pain because of it. You need to decided right now if you want to be with him or not. It sounds like he will give you anything, but because he will you don't respect him. He gives you everything, and you take it. You need to decided to either love him back and respect him or let him go. It is the only fair thing you can do. At the same time he needs to stop giving you everything. He needs to realize that he really and completely loves you, but that the same time it doesn't entail being a doormat.. Mike

At the risk of creating a thread with only my posts in it I need some help. As you can read above, my ex wants to have coffee with me. She says she just wants to hear my stories and how I am doing. I imagine that there might be a bit more to it. Anyway, I have been strong and have not emailed her back yet. My initial thought was to suggest a meeting in about a week. Now, I'm wondering if it is such a good idea. I do want to see her, and I am pretty strong now, and don't think I would say the wrong things. However, I do want her back someday. I don't know if not seeing her will make her think that I am really gone, or if it might be better for her to see what she is missing out on I just can't figure out which choice has a better chance at bringing her back to me. Any thoughts? Thanks Mike

Dood, First of all don't beat yourself up. Like everyone who has posted, we are only human, and we feel, and we all do things because of this. But, maybe you should not look at it as a mistake. Maybe this is part of your learning and healing process. I broke NC with my ex about a week and a half ago. It was days before she replied. I wasn't even sure I really wanted her to reply, it just seemed like something I needed to do. When she didn't reply at first I was relieved. Now she has replied and want to see me - thus making things much more complicated...... In a way, maybe it is good she hasn't replied. Maybe you are not ready yet? Or maybe she will reply at some point? Regardless, you must stay strong, and fight the hurt. I know how hard it is. But you gotta hang in there man. You have healed a lot, and are healing a lot. It just isn't a linear process, and there are some big bumps along the way. Be strong, and be happy. Mike

Don't beg, Don't plead. It really doesn't work. No one wants a broken, sad person around. Certainly not your ex. The ironic thing in my case is that my ex broke me, and then didn't want the broken me. She even said so once. You need to fix the break. Then maybe you will have a chance. Not till then though. Mike

Do you want to know what the best part is? I feel so relaxed. I will probably email her in a few days, and set up a meeting in a week. In the past I would have emailed her right back, and said yes. Now, it's easy to wait. All the NC, and all the healing sure has helped. Those who are just starting NC - Do it! It will help. Trust me. Take the time. In the end you will be better off. Trust me! I may never get back with my ex, but I needed to heal before anything could happen. I do love her, but I am never going to be a doormat again. 8)

Wow, Life is crazy. My ex just emailed me and wants to go for coffee. I guess the power balance is finally shifting.......

Dood, I feel for you. I really do. That sucks. I have some good new and some bad new for you. Let's start with bad. What you are going through is incredibly hard. You have probably not experienced anything so emotionally painful and difficult in your life. You are overwhelmed, and in pain. I understand. I have been there. A few times actually. There is no doubt that when you love someone and they don't love you back, or won't admit they do, your ego takes a serious kick in the pants. You my friend are down, BUT, NOT out, For the good news is that it gets better. I (and many others on this board) can tell you without a doubt that things get better. My story is long and painful, and I still love my ex (god knows why But I have healed so much. I still miss her, but I have got my life generally back together where I want it You can do the same. It is a slow process, but you have to do it. You have to heal - whether you want to be with your ex not - and whether you are ever with your ex or not. You have to heal YOU. There is no way things would work out if your ex came back right now anyway. I feel that things are too messed up in your head, and you are to hurt to really love right now. Trust me on this one too. I tried. So, how to heal? You really, really need to do NC. Strict, no exceptions! . You cannot be her friend. It will destroy you. You cannot be there for her now. She has made her choice. Let her live it. You need to live your own life. I know it is hard. Things just are kinda grey. Look for the light, but realize that they will be grey for a bit. Make the most of what you love to do. Try to make yourself a better person. But realize that that small steps are best. You have a lot on your plate. Be kind to yourself. It is a long road. BUT, remember, it does get better. Just stay away from the EX. It makes all the difference in the world. It really does. Good luck. Be strong. Life is good, just hard sometimes. PM me if you need Mike

I was just reading over this thread again, and I was amazed at the caring and compassion that the people who posted on here have. Thanks so much. I also noticed that there was not a single woman who posted about my story. Why do you think that is? A quick up date: Last month this happened: link removed A few days ago I broke NC. Not sure why, just felt right. I send her a two work email the only said hi. She replied back with a full, although small email telling me what she has been up to, and asking me how I am doing. I have yet to reply. I know that I have come a long way with my healing when I don't feel that need to reply quickly, or even at all for that matter. I have no idea how to proceed at this time. I think I might write her back at some point. - but I don't know. My dream and meeting her was profound, but although I have learned much from my pain, I just don't want any more for a long while to come. Thanks again. You guys have been amazing. Mike

Well, here is a little update: She has not contacted me again. Sort of a curse and a blessing at the same time, as I am not sure what I would do if she did. However, she has mentioned to many people that she met up with me. Especially confusing is that she told my mom I "looked good"???? Anyway, at an attempt to not read too much into the situation - I am just assuming that it was a profound experience for her too, not a realization that we are destined to be together. However, I have had a very difficult time getting her out of my head since it happened. I feel so close to her, which is so strange since I am so far. I feel a strange calmness - My love feels strong- why I have no idea. I know that I love this woman with all my being. I also know that we may never be together again. I realize that I never did show her how much I really loved her - and it is most likely too late for both of us to ever fix our mistakes. But I cannot change how I feel. I am debating about contacting her again. No begging pleading, asking, or anything really. Just letting her know I'm around and smiling. Don't know if it is a good approach though - or maybe better to let her come to me if she ever chooses. Any thoughts Mike

I hear you! Nice poem! Mike

I hear you Vert, I think when I finally figure this one out, everything else will be simple. I guess it's tough knowing that somone loves you, cares about you, misses you, but doesn't want to be with you - To my simple mind that makes not sense - but maybe one day I will understand Mike

I too wonder, But I'm pretty sure that if your ex really loved you, then they will miss you. I just saw my ex for the first time in 4 months of NC, and I could tell she she missed me. Just because how excited she was to see me. This of course doesn't mean that she want to get back together with me, just as it doesn't mean your ex wants to get back with you either. But it certainly makes things easier to know that they care. Well it does for me. Makes it hard too, because you wonder what the problem is. But generally it's nice to know that you are missed. Mike

Good on you DrNick. It sounds like you are making good progress. The distance will help things I am sure. Although it sounds like you have made good progress yourself, and regained a lot of your strength. I wish the best for. But think that you are on the right track,and should just keep going that way. Mike

Well, A few things happened before her birthday (which was today), link removed But, in the end I just sent her a brief birthday greeting. I have not heard back from her, and have an idea that I might not. That is OK, because I do know I really need more time. Thanks for all your thoughts. Mike

Thanks for the posts @ twizod I appreciate your opinions, even if they seem harsh. You are right in the fact that I must continue to move on. On the other hand I can't run away from how I feel - Especially when I have had such a profound experience. What I guess I am trying to do it keep from being a doormat, and keep from her thinking that I always be there, while at the same time being true to my heart and my emotions. Because no matter how many times I tell myself I don't care, the truth is I do. I am not going to put my life on hold, or beg her to come back - but I know that I love her, and not matter what happens I probably always will. I actually feel pretty calm. I suppose I will just see if she contacts me back. If she doesn't fine. If she does then, well, then it gets harder Mike

NC does help. I is hard, but it certainly helps you heal. I don't think you should do NC to get your ex back, but rather to rebuild yourself. If they come back, great, then you can make another decision. If not you are on your way to true happiness yourself Mike

What a crazy day, A bit of background. I have been doing NC with my ex for 4 months. This morning I woke from a very powerful dream. One where I met my ex and the first thing I did was to run up and hug her. I didn't pause, I just ran up and hugged her and it felt totally natural. Then she asked me to do her a favour, I asked what it was, and she said it was to forgive her. It was very powerful, and I have been thinking about it all day long. It was very profound. And then tonight I ran into her on the street. Well actually I was just walking , and she ran up to me and said my name. I was in shock. I had been thinking about her all day long, and to see her standing there was wild. I walked up and hugged her just as in my dream. We hugged for a long time. She had tears in her eyes. We did lots of small talk, what we were doing, etc etc. I learned that she lives 6 blocks from me (crazy),. and that she knew where I was working, and what I have been up too. She was with a friend in the pub where she had come from, but she didn't run back there right away. We talked more, and then I told her she should be with her friend. I hugged her again as I left, and told her about my dream. I also told her that I would like to see her again, and to email me if she wanted to. And, as we walked away from each other,we both looked back, into each others eyes. Powerful. Wooly Cows! What has just happened here? This is crazy. All at once. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do. The dream was powerfull enough - made me realize I still love this woman. But to see her, on the same day, and have her react the way she did. I don't know what to think. I thought I was slowly getting over her, and now here she is again. I don't want to read too much into the day, but I have to admit it is strange. I need some advice on this one. I am just planning on waiting and seeing if she contacts me back to start. If she doesn't then easy, but if she does, then what? Are these positive signs for me? Should I run away screaming ? Should I have any hope for us? Arrrg.... this is difficult. I feel so strongly about her even with all the pain I have gone through. Thanks Mike

How appropriate that these be the thread at the top of the list today when I came to visit. I unfortunately don't have any answers for you - not quite yet anyway. It has been nearly four months since of NC for me, but just last week, my ex emailed my a small birthday greeting. It wasn't much, and I imagine that she was trying hard not to give me any other messages that I could read into the email. Since then I have been wondering if I want to send her a birthday greeting, and if I want to break NC. I am thinking that it might be time to ease up on the NC. Mostly since I just had a very powerful dream about her. I dreamed that I saw her and the first thing I did was to say her name and run up and hug her. There was no hesitation. All of my other emotions seemed to pale in comparison to my care for her. We hugged for a long time, and she asked me I would do her a huge favour. She asked for me to forgive her. I'm not expert on dreams, but woke with peace in my heart. And I think that I am slowly getting to a place where I am OK with the fact that I still care about her, and I am healing. So, I am thinking of sending a birthday greeting, and trying to decided if I want to say anything else. Ideas and comments are always welcome Mike

Ah, Now things are intesting. It was just my birthday two days ago, and guess what??? My ex sends me a tiny email wishing me happy birthday. This is the first that I have heard from her in nearly four months. I was wondering if she was going to send me anthing - but I guess she has not completely forgotten about me just yet. Anyway, so now I am wondering if I should send her something on her birthday. I have not replied to her email, and I doubt I will. I don't think I am ready to open up lines of communication with her just yet. I need more months before I will be ready for that I think. However, I do still care about her, and wonder if it might be nice to wish her a happy birthday. On the other hand I want her to know that I am over her (even if I am not actually quite there yet ) I don't want her to think that I am all weak and broken and wanting her back (been there done that). Thoughts would be greatly appreciated. cheers Mike `

Good on you. You have to move on. It is very, very hard, but you must. Get out now while you can. Trust me. I stayed because I believed what she told me - I wanted to believe. Seeing the truth is not always what you want to see, but eventually you shall see it anway, so make the move. Good luck and be strong. I know it is so painful. Believe in yourself, and you will make it. Mike

Hmmm, Yah, it might be. Lots of guys like to be directing the action. Also, I think some guys aren't so good at just sitting back and recieving So, they feel a little uncomfortable just laying there. Myself, like all sexual positions. Woman on top can very very hot. Great views

Well, I too love and miss my ex, but I don't think I want to see her either. I suppose it doesn't make all that much sense off of the top, but in a way it does. Regardless of being done wrong, or regardless that it is "over" we sill miss and love or exes. Maybe it's silly to do so, but the truth is we do. And many of us have come to realize this. Some of us even wish we didn't love our exes anymore - sure would make life easier - but of course if you love someone, you can't just throw a switch and be done with it. You can ignore it, but I think it is better to embrace it. However, the problem of loving someone who does not love you back (or is not sure if that do) is that it makes you incredibly weak. There is a total power imbalance, and it can be really hard your self esteem. So, many of us here have realized that yes, we do truly love our exes, but at the same time we have come to realize that they have the power to completely mess us up - and having been very messed up this past 1.5 year, I am desperately trying to avoid it. Hopefully one day I will be strong enough to see and talk with her again. Maybe soon, maybe not so soon, but I do wonder if by then I really won't be missing her any longer Mike