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Thread: Tell me this is “normal”

  1. #1
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    Tell me this is “normal”

    Hi all,

    I think my head is in the right place, but this particular situation is new to me and I’m soliciting some thoughts about it as reassurance.

    Met a guy online—he is adorable, funny, and my type. Went on three really fun dates. We got frisky on date two, date three was the next night and we had sex twice and he stayed over. Honestly, this is not my norm (I usually only have sex in relationships) but after a rough breakup a number of months ago needed to feel wanted and to have fun. We did not discuss what we were looking for explicitly, although he did appear interested in dating me and I was interested in dating him. Since leaving in the morning he has not shown interest in seeing me again—communication has been brief and only if I initiate it. He was very enthusiastic between dates 1 and 3. I’m not going to contact him again and I’ll let this go.

    His deal is that he has been separated from his wife for 5 months, not yet divorced. I get the sense he has only begun to date. I suspect I was the woman who he was with the rip the bandaid off and get back out there and that he may not be in the headspace to date. I have never been married so I can’t relate to this but I know he might be processing the end of a marriage. We are in our early 40’s.

    My cognitive error is thinking: I wasn’t attractive enough or I did something wrong. This is where I get stuck and hard on myself, despite rational thinking.

    So tell me this situation happens and that it’s not necessarily any indication that I wasn’t “enough.” I don’t regret my actions, but some normalization of this situation would help me.

  2. #2
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    He got what he wanted, and it only took 3 dates. He doesn't need you anymore. Sorry

  3. #3
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    When I was separated from my ex for around 6 months, I had a few of those "rip the band-aid off" interactions... let's just say that those guys never stood a chance as I was no where near ready to be in a relationship at that point.

    It's got nothing to do with how attractive you are or whether you did anything wrong. Perhaps the only wrong thing here is that you had some unrealistic expectations of him and what he was capable of at this point in his life.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. There is no "normal", but this is a red flag.🚩 He's a kid in the candy store. Delete and block him. Move on, you'll get hurt.

    He's just running amok bedding anything and everything to explore his freedom and distract himself. The heartache hasn't even begun, so don't go further with someone in this situation. He is married and may be back with his wife at any given time. It's not about you.
    Originally Posted by Kricket123
    His deal is that he has been separated from his wife for 5 months, not yet divorced. I wasn’t attractive enough or I did something wrong.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Who asked who out for the first three dates? If it's been him, did you take any initiative to ask him out for the next?

    I'd encourage you not to slip into the "only taking 3 dates" ergo he doesn't need you anymore mentality. It's as archaic as it is frankly kinda miserable. Men don't need to be trained to take a woman seriously by not having sex within a certain number of dates. Nor should women be expected to have that responsibility. If indeed all he wanted was sex, it's certainly better that you found out 3 dates in rather than later. That's not saying to go right ahead and bang dudes early strictly as a litmus test. But that insofar as you want to have sex to have sex, that's up to your own discretion, and you're definitely not ruining prospects in the process.

    And really, with you dating out of a "need to feel wanted" after a bad breakup and him just being five months out from a separation, not even divorced, a fling is about all I'd healthily expect. It may not feel good, but it's probably for the better.

    But speaking generally, sex doesn't preclude the standard liability that there are 1,001 reasons someone could lose interest after date 1, 2, 3, 4, or even beyond. I wasn't there that evening to document any observations, so I couldn't tell you. At the end of the day, whether all he wanted was sex, if perhaps there was an off-putting line blurted out after a passionate moment, he was genuinely interested but the sex woke him up to how unavailable he is, or whether your stuffed animal collection on the bed was a long-term turn off, it's really not worth racking your brain. At the end of the day, he just doesn't seem interested. Not much you can do to help that. If it happens that you're feeling particularly worse about it given you've had sex, then it may be best to hold off until you've better established other measures of compatibility.

  7. #6
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    anytime you give it up early (no judgement here), there will always be risk of a person moving on quickly. analyzing it to death does no good. maybe he used you for sex or maybe he used you as a rebound. maybe he does really like you and would date you under different circumstances. we shall never know. his actions indicate that he's moved on so learn from this and decide next time if it's worth getting frisky too early.

  8. #7
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, when you have sex early, the dynamics shift dramatically. Maybe he didn't think you clicked physically.

    Don't over-analyze it. Just move on.

  9. #8
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    He's still married. Separated is "still married." No matter if he's emotionally "ready". I agree with the others and I am sorry if you feel disappointed. Sounds like the fun wasn't worth the expectations afterwards and the stuck getting too hard on yourself feeling. How is it you feel wanted by a person who wants to have sex with you on the third date - you wanted to feel needed sexually? I'd be hard on myself if I were you -but about this -be very honest with yourself and what fun means to you and whether the risks of casual sex are worth the benefits.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Does his wife know they are separated and he is sleeping around????

    There is a good chance that he is just your run of the mill charismatic cheater, got what he wanted and moved on to the next willing body.

    Even if he is honest, you still got involved with someone who is nowhere near being in any kind of relationship of dating frame of mind.

    Bottom line is you got involved with a guy who is not in any way available for anything more than a fun romp in the sheets.

    If you were simply looking for some fun and validation that you are still desirable, you got exactly what you wanted.

    If you are looking for more serious dating, stay away from married, recently divorced, recently out of a break up type men. Don't place yourself in a one and done or rebound chic situation and then get upset that things play out exactly as is predictable. For serious dating, look for men who are healed and in a healthy place to date and are actually seeking to do just that. Be more selective and you won't have to sit and scratch your head wondering why a married guy just disappeared on you.

  11. #10
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    He's still married. Separated is "still married."
    Yep... I found that out when I tried to date while I was "separated"... not too many woman are into that.

    And to think, I was not divorced because my ex wanted to stay "separated" for a year so she could still be covered under my insurance (this, while she was living with the guy she left me for). Sorry, it obviously hit a nerve!

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