(Highly) Considering Divorce

The basics

Married 14 years

One son age 9 (doing fantastic in every area of life)

Roughly 5 years ago she cheated....and everything spun out of control. Note that our sex life has sucked since the wedding cake went down her throat. Worked HARD to get things back together. She isn't cheating...nor do I have any thoughts that she's out running around. Honestly I'm bored by our relationship. We don't like to do any activities outside the house together. I like to drink and hang out...she wants to stay home. She's religious...I'm not, I like to take day trips...she likes to stay home. I like to coach soccer with my son...she wants to stay home. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Sex...she only does it for me (she has a low sex drive) - and boring in bed (for me). She's not a happy person by nature - very even temper - I'm upbeat. Her family has a history of bad mental illness...and that scares the outta me.

I'm no angel...and I know I have issues...

She's a FANTASTIC mother....she's great at getting things done. She is my other arm in getting things done that need to be done...I don't think I could ask for anything better when it comes to getting the day to day done. I cook and she cooks. We both are in the same profession - allows for similar schedules that work great for our son. She's a very nice person and people who get to know her LOVE her...and talk the world of her. We go on trips together and it's nice, but I don't the connection between us...it's we together.

I don't know if it's just 14 years of being together....

Am I being stupid in thinking it'll be different with someone else

It's going to up our finances big time....going to go from having our dream home almost paid off ...to back to a 30 year mortgage in a much smaller place.

The 1/2 time with my son will suck, but I have a strong enough connection with him that we will make the most of the time we have together...so I'm not too worried there.

I've lost the passion in the relationship...I'm bored with the prospect of living this way forever. We've spoken on these topics many a time and again a week ago....I just feel we are going to go back to the same rut and live our day to day and it's not fulfilling.

I see my parents divorced and they are so happy now with their partners...I feel like I'm settling and I've been doing it for a long time now just because I didn't want to face the financial and emotional issues that come with divorce. I'm over that now.

I know we can have a divorce that'll be amicable.

What the am I missing? I will monitor this thread and respond to everyone who posts. I'd like to know from people who have been through divorce who can somewhat see the road ahead...and those of you who may have any insight.

If her family history scared you - too late now. You should have thought about that 14 years ago. If she is a great partner to you - compatible and a great mom - i think you should start taking your wife on dates. You can't take something that she has always been - more of a homebody and now say that its not fair. That's who you married.

Why not take the time instead of going on about how she doesn't want to go out - find something she likes to do - maybe she is fine going out, just not out with crowds, and would go out to an intimate dinner with you at a nice place, or a bed and breakfast, or send the kid to grandparents or soccer camp and have a really nice vacation at home together - put some romance back into things. Women get to doing sex by duty when their husband doesn't take the time to romance her. Thats what i would do before i divorced. the grass is not always greener

Have you gone through marriage counseling at all? I'd heavily consider that. And unless things are absolutely awful, I'd hold out until the boy is a few years older.

I'm definitely not someone who says to stick with it if it's no good, even with kids, but if the worst of the marriage is simply that you're bored, then I'd wait. For one, your son will be better able to grasp what's going on, and for another, things just may get better in that time.

In any case, I'd definitely defer to a marriage counselor no matter the decision you're thinking of making. At this stage of the game, it's very common.

So you were about 25 when you got married, and some of us who got married in their early twenties didn't have enough life experience to know how to choose a satisfying lifetime partner. I believe that different libidos are a deal breaker. It's a frustrating life when they don't match. I have an average libido. In my first marriage, my ex had an extremely high one. I couldn't even hug him or give him any affection without him wanting to jump into bed, which taught me to only hug him, etc. when I was in the mood. And then he complained that I never gave him affection, which he'd trained me not too. I divorced him mainly because he suffered from depression and expressed it in anger and I had to walk on eggshells around him. Sometime after the divorce, I dated a man for a year with a very low libido, so I know how you feel. A while after that, I met my present husband, who meets all of my main needs and we are sexually compatible.

What would I do in your situation? Before you throw in the towel, try counseling. She/he will give you two homework. Give it time to work with the both of you putting in effort. Try dance lessons. Have other people over for a card game and nachos. Buy massage oil and give each other back rubs. Read Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Read The Five Love Languages. If nothing changes after a year, I would get a divorce so that you can have a second chance at happiness. I'm so glad I did, and am really enjoying my life now, with the partner I deserve. It's hard to give up a beautiful house, but that's only a possession. Real happiness comes from the experiences you have with the loved ones in your life. I'd rather live in a small home with the love of my life than in a gorgeous, large home with a partner who I'm not emotionally connected with. With the way interest rates are now, you may be able to afford a 15 year mortgage.

If you do divorce, give yourself a year to be alone and let your child get used to the new situation before you start dating again. As an older and wiser person who now has life experience, you'll be able to choose the right woman for you. Don't introduce your child to the new woman until you know it'll be a serious relationship. Let us know how it goes. Take care.

She cheated...which means she sought sex with someone. That says something right there.

She cheated...which means she sought sex with someone. That says something right there.

I agree. But they agreed to work through it. Maybe the damage was done already - but when a couple agrees to get past it - I have to take that into account. And he doesn't say he is worried about her cheating at this point - its boredom. Just like he thinks the grass might be greener - she did 5 years ago and realized it wasn't. So he can divorce her on grounds of cheating before, or he can make a few attempts to get over the boredom and give it a shot. I would try to get over the boredom first before divorcing, at any rate. If he left her for cheating - understandable, but he should have done it 4 1/2 years ago.

What I meant was...maybe she doesn't hate sex.

Before calling a divorce, call a counselor BOTH of you or perhaps go to the church minister and ask him for guidance and prayer. Do not look at your parents divorce as what your future may/may not be. Your parents marriage was their own and not their children or any others.

We did concealing and it failed...I stay with her now more for the comfort and stability. The passion died a long time ago.

RE: mental stuff...I've known for awhile now....and never left her because of it. I bring it up as a fear I have for the future...it's really not a key point.

The key point is that I don't feel any passion or really love her anymore...and I haven't for awhile.

I'm leaving here now...I'll check again Fri morning and respond to any and all.

Enjoy your night

I'm just going to say this. The two of you should get marriage counseling to either a) find a common ground to stay together or b) accept that you both made a mistake, you need to let go, and find a sane way to raise your son together while apart.

I was married for ten years to my ex-husband. We were worlds apart, but we both weren't bad people. We didn't hate each other. There wasn't even cheating, just each of us silently living our own lives while being sort of unhappy and unfulfilled, because we weren't partners. We married way too young and way too fast and took the time to get to know each other AFTER the wedding--big mistake. We got the marriage counseling finally and admitted we'd made a mistake to each other and were just too different to ever really be happy staying married to each other. It was an amicable divorce. We raised and continue to stay in touch over our two boys. We've each remarried people who we are so much happier with than we ever would have been together.

But a huge part of coming to that point was having a third person there to help us open up and feel safe enough to each admit what it was we wanted, to hear us out, and to point out things like how each of us didn't even like the activities the other one enjoyed.

It can help. And if there is a reason to stay married it can help that too. That would be my suggestion for where you go next. I don't want to advocate for divorce, because it isn't always the answer. But sometimes, yeah it is. The trick is to sort out when to hold on and when to let go.

Define "didn't work" = you both were not committed to it, you both wouldn't admit your part in things, or you came to an impasse that was not passable?

You sound just bored with your marriage, and like you don't want it to work at all. As a matter of fact, you sound like you don't even like her too much, never mind love. So I think you'll leave, regardless of the advice you'll be getting, because once someone stops giving a $hit, it's over. Don't blame it on her cheating (you chose to forgive her and stay, remember?), or on her family's mental issues, or on anything else - it's you, because you're bored with your routine.

The bad news is that if you're the restless type, any marriage or long term relationship will become stale for you. The novelty wears off eventually, and you'll find yourself in the same spot, just with a different woman. The grass is rarely greener, as you'll probably find out.

Nobody can tell you what to do. But as a woman, I think you should leave now. Your wife is not getting any younger, so the sooner you give her the freedom to meet someone else who can make her happy in every way, the better for her. You are only wasting her time at this point, since you're emotionally out of the equation anyway, and prolonging this would be just wrong, especially since you're doing it for your own selfish reasons, such as your own comfort.

Let her go rebuild her life with someone who can give her more than you ever could, or would be willing to.

Bored and lazy (e.g. not feeling like working on it) isn't a compelling reason to divorce in my book. Unless you have exhausted marriage counseling, I'd say you are definitely not doing the right thing for yourself and your son.

If you've already got one foot out the door, I would not waste your time and money, and hers, on counselling. I also wouldn't head straight for divorce. I'd separate as amicably as possible, preferably after having seen a lawyer for advice, and I'd allow time apart to teach us both where we'll want to stand in the future.

I'd make NOT dating others part of this agreement. Otherwise, it's a waste, because you can't learn what you'll need to learn when you add the complications of others to the mix.

If you decide that you're both better off living with one another than apart, THAT is when I'd invest in the counseling--and I'd start it long before moving back in together.

Some couples do reconcile after separating, and it may be a reasonable way to learn exactly what you don't know yet about living apart. It could prove valuable, and I'd make room for the learning before jumping straight into divorce court.

Define "didn't work" = you both were not committed to it, you both wouldn't admit your part in things, or you came to an impasse that was not passable?

After another day of rest and thinking things over...I'm no closer in or out the door. It's not fair to her...I know, but I guess it's better than leaving and trying to run back in. Defining "didn't work" Since the incident she hasn't smiled or shown any joy in anything going on. I talked to her and said, "It's sad, you don't smile anymore. You have a right to be happy. Whether or not if it's with me you need to be happy. We both have a right to enjoy our lives." The other issue I brought up was our sexual connection. I stated, "I can't live in a relationship where we are at. I'm very sexual and you aren't. (this was no news flash to her) She stated she would work on it. Problem is we've had this conversation re: lack of sex every year we've been married. I don't see it ever changing...and I don't know if I want to continue a relationship the rest of my life where sex isn't connected....seems damn simplistic and selfish even from typing it now...but sex to me IS important. My problem then arises is it worth losing all the other positives of the relationship because I'm not happy there. I think she can work on being happy again...and finding joy...I do NOT believe she figure out the sexual aspect.

You sound just bored with your marriage, and like you don't want it to work at all. As a matter of fact, you sound like you don't even like her too much, never mind love. So I think you'll leave, regardless of the advice you'll be getting, because once someone stops giving a $hit, it's over. Don't blame it on her cheating (you chose to forgive her and stay, remember?), or on her family's mental issues, or on anything else - it's you, because you're bored with your routine.

The bad news is that if you're the restless type, any marriage or long term relationship will become stale for you. The novelty wears off eventually, and you'll find yourself in the same spot, just with a different woman. The grass is rarely greener, as you'll probably find out.

Nobody can tell you what to do. But as a woman, I think you should leave now. Your wife is not getting any younger, so the sooner you give her the freedom to meet someone else who can make her happy in every way, the better for her. You are only wasting her time at this point, since you're emotionally out of the equation anyway, and prolonging this would be just wrong, especially since you're doing it for your own selfish reasons, such as your own comfort.

 

Let her go rebuild her life with someone who can give her more than you ever could, or would be willing to.

Ouch...lol A bit of harsh...and that's okay. I've stated to her many times in the past week that she has every right to leave me. She says she doesn't want to. Her exact statement was "I don't want to. I think you want me to leave so you can be the victim and make me out to be the bad person." I said, "No, not at all. As stated I haven't seen you happy in years and there is no reason for you to be with me if you are not happy. You have a right to be happy whether it's with me or not." She stated "I don't want to leave." I said "I don't know what I'm going to do. This is tough..." and we continued the conversation.

I don't have any intention of stringing her on for the sake of wasting time.

Bored and lazy (e.g. not feeling like working on it) isn't a compelling reason to divorce in my book. Unless you have exhausted marriage counseling, I'd say you are definitely not doing the right thing for yourself and your son.

We've done the counseling in the past and I would look at it again...not sure if she would. I brought it up in one conversation and she stated she didn't want to go back.

If you've already got one foot out the door, I would not waste your time and money, and hers, on counselling. I also wouldn't head straight for divorce. I'd separate as amicably as possible, preferably after having seen a lawyer for advice, and I'd allow time apart to teach us both where we'll want to stand in the future.

 

I'd make NOT dating others part of this agreement. Otherwise, it's a waste, because you can't learn what you'll need to learn when you add the complications of others to the mix.

 

If you decide that you're both better off living with one another than apart, THAT is when I'd invest in the counseling--and I'd start it long before moving back in together.

 

Some couples do reconcile after separating, and it may be a reasonable way to learn exactly what you don't know yet about living apart. It could prove valuable, and I'd make room for the learning before jumping straight into divorce court.

Right now I see your advice as the best one going. We did that before and it helped...but I returned in part because I wanted to be with her, more so because of financial. I think time apart would allow both of us to see what is. It's going to be tough telling her that we need to do it AGAIN.

There are times when people want to get divorced and other times when they Have to get divorced.

If you have explored all your options to fix your marriage and they did not work it leaves only two options left doesn't it? Stay and just survive or divorce and try and make a new life.

I was one of the ones that HAD to get divorced because she cheated and took a path that was not good for anyone. I didn't want to, I had to. Did it cost me? Sure but I am now financially in a better place, happier, closer to my son than if we would have stayed together and enjoy my life. I am currently single and really love my life so don't ask questions like "if I divorce her can I do better" or "what are my chances of meeting someone" You should look at this as ending a marriage, not what position it will put you in to land a new better woman in your life or trade up. One thing at a time or you may find yourself right back in the same spot in a few years.

Going back to her cheating. If she is religious, low libido and boring in bed how/why did she cheat? I believe that is the key to most if not all of your problems here. She doesn't care for sex but went outside the marriage and against all her convictions to have sex. That seems to me to be a huge cry for help. She needs to see a therapist in my opinion to help get answers to questions that may have never been asked. If there is a history or mental illness in her family it is all the more reason.

If you do stay together once your son moves out what will she turn her focus on since he is gone? There will be no buffer between you two. Food for thought.

Don't worry about "YOUR STUFF" and how she will take half of everything. It is only stuff and you probably don't use it that much anyways.

Take your time and do this together no matter what you decide and stop telling her it is okay if she leaves. That is cowardice.

Lost

Counseling did 'work" in the sense that you sorted some things out and decided that the good outweighed the bad and you stayed together. There was a result. But it was not a magic pill. Counseling does not automatically make someone happy. Maybe she needs PERSONAL counseling to help her determine what would make her happy - inside - independent of the relationship. It could be that she has a hormone imbalance, she doesn't feel fulfilled in her career, or as a mother, etc - things that she needs to explore on her own.

So - you want more sex and you want her to smile. So...why don't you have a lot of sex? Do you never romance her at all? Are you the kind of guy who wants immediate penetration? Is there no foreplay. Maybe you need a sex therapist if the day to day is okay.

I know she cheated so folks say she likes sex - but maybe more so the cheating was to see IF it was just her husband that she didn't desire or if she was just sexually low libido? There must have been something other than sex she didn't feel she was getting at home (not that it ever excuses cheating).

Take your time and do this together no matter what you decide and stop telling her it is okay if she leaves. That is cowardice.

I agree. You really want her to leave you on her own. She doesn't want to leave you. So you either have to walk out the door and "be the bad guy" or encourage your wife to go to personal counseling to see what makes her smile. So she is not bubbly enough for you - that is a poor reason for divorce. Cheating is a reason - but that ship has sailed - you accepted it and decided to work past it. So talk to her. Suggest personal counseling perhaps. Don't tell her that you want to see her smile again - and then dump her. If you really want to see her smile again and are genuine - then let therapy work its course before you make a decision to leave and go "play the field" that may or may not be there.

Define "didn't work" = you both were not committed to it, you both wouldn't admit your part in things, or you came to an impasse that was not passable?

What happened in the counseling sessions wasn't the help...it was taking time apart and seeing how life would be.

You sound just bored with your marriage, and like you don't want it to work at all. As a matter of fact, you sound like you don't even like her too much, never mind love. So I think you'll leave, regardless of the advice you'll be getting, because once someone stops giving a $hit, it's over. Don't blame it on her cheating (you chose to forgive her and stay, remember?), or on her family's mental issues, or on anything else - it's you, because you're bored with your routine.

The bad news is that if you're the restless type, any marriage or long term relationship will become stale for you. The novelty wears off eventually, and you'll find yourself in the same spot, just with a different woman. The grass is rarely greener, as you'll probably find out.

Nobody can tell you what to do. But as a woman, I think you should leave now. Your wife is not getting any younger, so the sooner you give her the freedom to meet someone else who can make her happy in every way, the better for her. You are only wasting her time at this point, since you're emotionally out of the equation anyway, and prolonging this would be just wrong, especially since you're doing it for your own selfish reasons, such as your own comfort.

 

Let her go rebuild her life with someone who can give her more than you ever could, or would be willing to.

Bored and lazy (e.g. not feeling like working on it) isn't a compelling reason to divorce in my book. Unless you have exhausted marriage counseling, I'd say you are definitely not doing the right thing for yourself and your son.

Counseling did 'work" in the sense that you sorted some things out and decided that the good outweighed the bad and you stayed together. There was a result. But it was not a magic pill. Counseling does not automatically make someone happy. Maybe she needs PERSONAL counseling to help her determine what would make her happy - inside - independent of the relationship. It could be that she has a hormone imbalance, she doesn't feel fulfilled in her career, or as a mother, etc - things that she needs to explore on her own.

 

So - you want more sex and you want her to smile. So...why don't you have a lot of sex? Do you never romance her at all? Are you the kind of guy who wants immediate penetration? Is there no foreplay. Maybe you need a sex therapist if the day to day is okay.

 

I know she cheated so folks say she likes sex - but maybe more so the cheating was to see IF it was just her husband that she didn't desire or if she was just sexually low libido? There must have been something other than sex she didn't feel she was getting at home (not that it ever excuses cheating).

Take your time and do this together no matter what you decide and stop telling her it is okay if she leaves. That is cowardice.

 

I agree. You really want her to leave you on her own. She doesn't want to leave you. So you either have to walk out the door and "be the bad guy" or encourage your wife to go to personal counseling to see what makes her smile. So she is not bubbly enough for you - that is a poor reason for divorce. Cheating is a reason - but that ship has sailed - you accepted it and decided to work past it. So talk to her. Suggest personal counseling perhaps. Don't tell her that you want to see her smile again - and then dump her. If you really want to see her smile again and are genuine - then let therapy work its course before you make a decision to leave and go "play the field" that may or may not be there.

I don't think you understand how cheating has a lasting impression...as stated on another thread it's cracks in the wall...fixed, but they are still visible....and while ignored don't disappear. Counseling MAY be an answer...and I don't care about the $ as our insurance pays 100% of it. Re: Don't tell her you want her to smile again and dump her...I know she'd find a good person in the future.

Thanks for all the advice to all...I'm going to take a break from trying to respond to all this and self reflect what I should do. I'm sure eventually I'll check back.

Good luck to all and have a great weekend

So the cheating was never dealt with, just covered up and you both tried to forget about it.

And here you are now...

Getting past cheating is not an easy thing to do that takes tons of brutal honesty, outside help and self reflection. Don't beat yourself up if you tried and just can't continue but be honest with her.

Who knows the guilt she carries may have taken her to the place she is now.

Take your time before you do anything as it took a while to get where you are at now so there is no rush with such an important decision.

I was cheated on so I know when I say I am sorry but I think your marriage ended when she cheated and you both just hung on. Perhaps she would be happy eventually if the marriage ended and she could finally put the past behind her.

Lost

What I meant was...maybe she doesn't hate sex.

This. ^^^^

Many is the woman who "lost their libido" that magically found it with someone else.

I see/hear a lot of people who talk of divorce and I always find it interesting that their first consideration is what it will be like with someone else. That's the wrong reason to divorce. Divorce because you're done with the marriage, not because you want to trade in your spouse for another partner. If you're OK with being alone, and being alone is preferable to staying married, then you're ready (in my opinion). Another partner after that point will simply be icing on the cake.

Update: I spoke to wifey yesterday and had the long hard conversation that I wanted a divorce. It was sad...and sad doesn't do it justice as a word.

In glad I did. I moved out - well sleeping at another place with some of my clothes...but now begin a new road. I have no intention of returning to the marriage.

The issues from her cheating eventually did me in. Yes I dealt with it and tried hard to work on thimgs but the reality is once the trust is gone it's never the same...never no matter what you do or say.

I held on for awhile for our son and with hopes the 'cracks' would fade...they do but they'll never disappear.

We had other issues re sex, religion and her unhappiness along with we didn't do much together beyond the daily living working and our son.

So today is day 1 and I am glad I took the jump.

I will remain a great father and I made her a promise that I would not bad mouth her and I will keep this process friendly.

I asked her to please not get attorneys and let's at least try to do this corgial. She agreed

I'll miss what was but I'm still glad I am beginning a new chapter.

This was the hardest thing to do...but I won't die and I now build a new chapter in my life.

I appreciate the comments and will update more as this journey goes on.

Good luck to all

Lost

I wanted to personally thank you. Your words ring very true for me. Not just the one post but both. Please stay on the thread.

Good job for manning up and doing what you think is right in an adult manner. Who knows what future holds for both of you.

P.S. Went and looked at your thread history. I hope you pull thru with this, as it seems long overdue.

Good job for manning up and doing what you think is right in an adult manner. Who knows what future holds for both of you.

 

P.S. Went and looked at your thread history. I hope you pull thru with this, as it seems long overdue.

Thanks

I feel sound in my decision. I felt sad at moments yesterday (slightly misty eyed) but never crying. I feel glad that I finally got the nerve to tell her. I did NOT want to live like that the rest of my life and I can see how easy it could have been to avoid it and simply stay for the day to day and just accepting that's the way life will be. I don't want that for my life...meaning that feeling of settling.

Today is day 2 I'm taking my son to the water park. I have no intention of becoming the 'entertainment ' dad now that we are separated....I'm just going to do the best I can. I played catch with him yesterday and we talked...it was nice.

I'll update again later but thanks again for any and all comments whether u agree or disagree.

I believe we only get one chance in the body we live in so make the most of it.