WithLove Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 Glad you rallied and reminded yourself that you made the right choice. Both men and women try different things to bring the other person around, once they realize it's serious. Keep your son close and your own personal goals in mind! Keep us updated. I read whenever you update, but it still just may be a good place to vent and think. Link to comment
Baily Posted June 12, 2015 Author Share Posted June 12, 2015 I agree re: changing. I honestly don't like the fact that she was willing to change for me. I used to love that and think that was a sign of working on the relationship and showing she cared...but the reality I came to was she is changing for me...AND I DON'T WANT THAT. I want someone is IS that way naturally, not someone who is going to fake it. I know fake it is a bit tough on words, but hopefully you know what I mean. She could start doing all of the things I asked, but it's not her. I know who she is...and she just needs to be herself. I know she is willing to change and wants to change to keep me...but that shows me more and more of why I don't want to be with her. I agree re: venting as well. I refuse to talk bad about her to anyone....not my best friend or family. I have done nothing but talk her up and say that I love many aspects of her and respect her, I just don't want to be married to her. I know I posted earlier some of the issues I have like how she doesn't show up to his soccer events...so that's nice that I can write about it here. Summer starts this weekend....we both have 2.5 months off. I think it'll be a good time to get everything settled. Meaning divorce and living situation etc. I'm trying to figure out what to do re: living. Apartment or look to buy. I'm not sure how long the divorce process takes. I don't know if I can even get a loan during the process even with my credit score of 835. I think I need to hire an attorney for consultation to get my ducks in a row. I am going to buy a house as I'm in my career and I'll be in it another 16 years in the same area....looks like I'll be apartment living soon. Weeeeee Part of me doesn't understand why this is such a big deal. There are so many people on earth, big deal if you don't stay with one person your entire life. You'll meet other partners Link to comment
wilyone 11 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 ..I want passion and love and a partner who likes doing what I like to do. I also got to a point that there was NO WAY I could continue and I wouldn't come back to her no matter what. The unknown is tough, but I'm glad I did. And you completely deserve to have all of this. I enjoy reading about your journey into a new beginning. It is natural to waver a bit when you are transitioning like this. But it sounds like you're now even firmer in your decision. I've forgotten if you mentioned this, but have you filed for divorce yet? That might help your wife to realize it's over and start building her future without you. Link to comment
zebragirl Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 The part about changing FOR you, that's exactly where I am at right now. I've been opening up to my husband about how unhappy I've been feeling and how dire it is and he is in the mode of "What do I need to do to make you happy" I know he genuinely wants to make me happy. and for that I am grateful but it is also hard because I knew he'd be like this, but I don't know that it will change how I FEEL despite him "changing" because does it really change who he IS? I don't believe so. And that makes me feel utterly despondent. Link to comment
Baily Posted June 22, 2015 Author Share Posted June 22, 2015 The part about changing FOR you, that's exactly where I am at right now. I've been opening up to my husband about how unhappy I've been feeling and how dire it is and he is in the mode of "What do I need to do to make you happy" I know he genuinely wants to make me happy. and for that I am grateful but it is also hard because I knew he'd be like this, but I don't know that it will change how I FEEL despite him "changing" because does it really change who he IS? I don't believe so. And that makes me feel utterly despondent. Yea I understand, that was one of my final straws for leaving. Hearing her say, "I don't like Vegas I go there because you like Vegas." That made it crystal clear to me that there is very little that we do together other than raising our son that is a connection. That sealed the deal for me because that was the ONE thing I thought we did well together....man what a fool I was. I've been gone now 4 weeks I think...and I'm HAPPY! I'm back to being ME in the sense of I'm not running around and doing stuff just for the sake of keeping the household together. I like my free time. I'm meeting other women and I've found out I'm HIGHLY desirable by women. I've been hit on more times than I can count. I think that's important because I feel sometimes you lose that idea that you are attractive to other people, but didn't see it because you weren't looking for so long. You will find the same if you leave. I wish you luck in your decision, my best advice is it's almost impossible to tell when he is changing because he wants to or he's changing because he doesn't want you to go. You'll have a hard time knowing which is which...but if he hasn't been that way ever...odds are IMO that he's just afraid of losing you and it's all an act....you'll be in the same position eventually. It may be one week or it may be 4 years. One great statement a friend said to me was. You didn't waste the 17 years you were with her, but you don't want to waste the next 17 years being with her. He's dead on. I liked those years, but it's time for me to move on. I wish you the best of luck. It's not an easy road leaving, but mentally I'm WAY better. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Good to hear. Have you filed for divorce, are the papers in the works? The business of divorce is no fun... Lost Link to comment
Miss Recaro Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I am struggling with this too. The question I ask myself is - if I died tomorrow, would I regret that I didn't do more to fight for my own happiness? Link to comment
Baily Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 Wife asked me to wait and think it over...I felt after all these years I owed it to her to just think it over. I am not changing my mind and will meet with her next week and explain that I'm not returning. We will see how that goes. I think we can be friends...but you never know. Link to comment
Baily Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 I am struggling with this too. The question I ask myself is - if I died tomorrow, would I regret that I didn't do more to fight for my own happiness? Im a lot a lot more happy. Yes I said a lot twice. I've returned to me in many areas that I forgot. Can't say I wish I did it earlier, but I'm glad I finally did. Link to comment
Baily Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 Still alive and doing well I wonder at times have I made the right decision. There are the thoughts....and in fleeting seconds I wonder did I make the wrong decision. My solid answer is yes I made the right decision. It's tough to go to the unknown...honestly it is. I like the steady and routine. It's a day by day process. My friends are pretty solid. One is mad that I haven't made enough time for him...but o well. I march on. The sun will rise every day and it's my job to keep up. To anyone that may read this...in my clear head I tell you l 'you are much better abandoning ship and rebuilding than staying in a sinking ship and trying to constantly plug the holes where waters is leaking.' You may think I may drown....that's all in your head. You will float and eventually build again. Stay strong in who YOU are. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Love the analogy about plugging the holes of a sinking ship. :snowman: chi Link to comment
Baily Posted August 5, 2015 Author Share Posted August 5, 2015 just having a hard time today...so I thought I'd come here and write...for myself not needing any replies. I'm feeling guilt and I hate it. I don't like living with guilt and it eats me up. I'm feeling needy and I hate that feeling. I felt like I was doing so well...now this. It takes over my thoughts too much and it's driving me crazy...not insane. I want to love again and feel that passion...I want to forget the pain and hurt but don't know what to do. I'm going to just put one foot in front of the other and go day to day hour to hour and try to look past minute minute. Why does guilt consume me? Why can't I simply let it go? I've yelled into a pillow I try to not think about it, but it comes up over and over and over and over and over again. I feel like I'm some kind of needy who can't control his emotions. I hate it. I'm a good person with solid values, great education, great son, great job, great pay, yet I feel a feeling of emptyness inside. I hate this feeling. I hope I can look back on this and just state 'that was a bad few days.' I don't know. Right now it sucks! Link to comment
catfeeder Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 It's part of grieving, Bailey. It feels like a setback, but it's an important part of the process and it's the stuff that actually moves you forward because it's your depth catching up with your surface stuff. The easy times feel like you're skimming through untouched, and enjoy those when you can grab them. But reflection, discomfort and all the rest are indeed difficult, and that's what keeps so many people stuck in bad situations--just to avoid what you're going through now. It's like healing a wound or a broken limb--you wouldn't expect the healing to be pain free. Same is true of major life changes where you're breaking something to get beyond it. Consider counseling to help you sort through it. That's not weak, it's like hiring an expert to help you with anything else that you haven't navigated before. Head high. Link to comment
Baily Posted August 6, 2015 Author Share Posted August 6, 2015 It's part of grieving, Bailey. It feels like a setback, but it's an important part of the process and it's the stuff that actually moves you forward because it's your depth catching up with your surface stuff. The easy times feel like you're skimming through untouched, and enjoy those when you can grab them. But reflection, discomfort and all the rest are indeed difficult, and that's what keeps so many people stuck in bad situations--just to avoid what you're going through now. It's like healing a wound or a broken limb--you wouldn't expect the healing to be pain free. Same is true of major life changes where you're breaking something to get beyond it. Consider counseling to help you sort through it. That's not weak, it's like hiring an expert to help you with anything else that you haven't navigated before. Head high. Thanks! It was a bad moment that lasted a few days. My mind was racing and wouldn't stop. I was beginning to wonder if I was going to have to live like that. I got off my ass and started cleaning and getting active and it helped. I grabbed my son and played some games and jumped in the pool...we had fun. It reminded me of where my focus needs to be. It also reminded me to keep active. Sitting and stewing is pointless...and man it sucks! I'm feeling a lot better. I've got plans for all day tomorrow and looking forward to them. catfeeder - thanks for the reply! I like enotalone! It's been a great place to use as a journal. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Thanks! I like enotalone! It's been a great place to use as a journal. Strange you should say that because you can use this place as a journal. Just go to the forum JOURNALS. You also have the option to keep your journal private. Suggest that you check it out. You may find some of the journals interesting and you might gain some insight from them as well. I really enjoy this site; interacting with people from all over the world. chi Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Baily, This is all very normal and actually a good thing. This just proves you really loved her and have feelings. If you didn't feel this way I would worry you weren't processing it well. This is like climbing stairs. One day you are making a pretty good pace up the flight and then the next day you stumble and fall down a few steps. The important part is that each time you make it up a little higher and the stumbling gets farther and farther apart. You are doing well so keep going and keep posting. It is a roller coaster ride in the beginning but levels off to a steady climb after a while. Lost Link to comment
Baily Posted August 10, 2015 Author Share Posted August 10, 2015 House hunting today...it's tough trying to find another place to live having put 12 years into building what was my dream home. I'm started out at an apartment, then a house I bought to my large ass dream home....now headed back to apartment...what bull . O well it is what it is. Sucks how the finances go in a divorce. I'm never getting married again! I'll date, I'll love I'll do it all, but my ass is NEVER signing another contract again for marriage. Link to comment
WithLove Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Or at the very least, consider a pre-nup. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 I hear you Baily... I once said never again but it isn't a good idea to use absolutes in life. In time you may or may not change your mind. Love has a strange affect on us. You will find you life is much happier without all that stuff you thought you needed. I have a good feeling that by this time next year you will be much happier and have accepted things that happened. It is a good feeling to look forward to. Good luck on the hunting. Lost Link to comment
Baily Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 Lol You can mark it in pen...I'm never getting married. I'll go through a ceremony where I'd dedicate myself to someone, but I'll never sign the legal contract for marriage again. I don't need the courts in my life ever again...a friend said it well...'I didn't need the courts getting into a relationship so why do I need them to get out of one.' I agree! Adding to it I see too many people change because they are married...it's as if that's the goal...marriage....not the constant maintenance of teamwork. Lost you give good advice, Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Ha Ha They put something in the wedding cake! Lost Link to comment
Baily Posted August 18, 2015 Author Share Posted August 18, 2015 Today was my wife's birthday. It was my day with our son (via schedule) but I called her last night to see if she wanted to spend time with him. She said YES!...which was cool. They are together now as I write this. I went over to see her and we sat down and discussed the arrangement with our son and had some general conversation...all went well. As we were talking I started wondering if I was being dumb to leave her....so here I am. She's nice, got a good job, is friendly....and I know it would be easy at first to jump back in and try to go back to normal...but as I write this I know that's freaking stupid. Everything that was there is still there and will pop it's head back up...they don't just disappear and we get what we want. It was just hard for some time thinking about 'what if I went back....' scenario....which I guess makes me human in the process. I'm not going to...but it's weird how those thoughts come back up...and it's interesting that just writing about them here makes it easier to think through them. Off I go.... Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Baily, This is all perfectly normal. You were in love with this woman and still love her but simply cannot be with her. We all remember the good times and miss all that came with them at times like this but like you have experienced the problems that broke up the marriage do not go away because a few months have gone by or because you are lonely and miss what once was. Try and stay away from to many deep conversations with her. You need to protect yourself and make this easy on yourself. This happens to everyone and is all part of the process. Lost Link to comment
Baily Posted August 20, 2015 Author Share Posted August 20, 2015 Thanks again Lost - You are awesome! Link to comment
.jpg.1626fbc48c04fd9021fd315819807524.thumb.jpg.882936eb5901fa05cf31c75617acde2e.jpg)
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.