Baily Posted June 2, 2015 Author Share Posted June 2, 2015 A bit of levity....I am never eating adding cake again! Who knew!!? I don't understand...are you just trying to get more posts? Link to comment
mhowe Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 Meant to say "wedding cake", since it appeared that your wife's consumption of it ended her sex drive. Link to comment
Baily Posted June 2, 2015 Author Share Posted June 2, 2015 Meant to say "wedding cake", since it appeared that your wife's consumption of it ended her sex drive. LOL! Yea, Somehow I don't think I'm the only guy to fall into that trap Link to comment
wilyone 11 Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 Hi, I read your whole thread and just wanted to say Bravo Bravo for being true to yourself, for not resigning yourself to a lifetime of unhappiness out of fear of change or guilt. It takes a lot of courage. You deserve to be very, very happy and you deserve to feel joyful and alive. Sometimes people just grow apart and the relationship has run its course. Society teaches us that a relationship should last forever or it's a failure and that's just total baloney. I wish you all the best in your journey. Sounds like you are handling it well and being compassionate with your wife while setting firm boundaries. In the end, this will be good for her as well. She is just afraid of the unknown. Good luck Link to comment
Baily Posted June 3, 2015 Author Share Posted June 3, 2015 Hi, I read your whole thread and just wanted to say Bravo Bravo for being true to yourself, for not resigning yourself to a lifetime of unhappiness out of fear of change or guilt. It takes a lot of courage. You deserve to be very, very happy and you deserve to feel joyful and alive. Sometimes people just grow apart and the relationship has run its course. Society teaches us that a relationship should last forever or it's a failure and that's just total baloney. I wish you all the best in your journey. Sounds like you are handling it well and being compassionate with your wife while setting firm boundaries. In the end, this will be good for her as well. She is just afraid of the unknown. Good luck I agree and thanks for the response. It hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows in this process and I know there are MANY difficult days ahead...but in the end I'm glad I did it. She is chirping big time for me to come back to her. Got a LONG LONG LOOOOONG text from her yest. explaining why I should return. It's not going to happen. Had I been in a weak place I probably would and I'd be in the same place in 5 years. One aspect I DID NOT see coming was the following. Yest. I got together with a few friends and I thought they would be digging me for information on what's going on and why etc. What actually took place was them talking about their issues with their wives and how they envied what I was doing. There were many times I wanted to stop them and tell them to appreciate what they had, but they would go on. In some way I have become a role model for them and that's strange - and strange isn't a good enough word. I in NO WAY encouraged either of them to split up or even spoke positive about what was going on...just told them I got to a place where I don't want to live with her anymore but I wish her all the luck in the world. The conversation was a bit strange at times, but it was nice to see them. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 Make sure you are encouraging them to address the issues with their wives - go to counseling, be a little more emotionally giving, etc, understand what childbirth does to hormones, etc., especially where the marriage is good in general. Not unsolicited advice, but if they ask. Or more so - shut down the conversation a little - "I am sure you will work it out. I hope that you guys work it out.." etc.. It is very common when one person gets divorced to overtly encourage or to inadvertently encourage their friends to join them. I have seen it in my ex in-laws. Don't be afraid to tell them you are sad about it, etc., and still try to get together with them and their wives if you have always done so, at least sometimes (like if you got together to get the kids together) Link to comment
wilyone 11 Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 SOOOO many people are stuck in loveless marriages and just don't have the courage or strength to get out, or worry too much about what others will think about them, or the financial consequences. Your friends are admiring you and wishing they could do the same. I am not at all surprised. Marriage is a cultural institution. It is not at all natural but we cling to it mightily. We are indoctrinated at a very young age to believe that divorce equals failure, when the relationship could instead be viewed as having successfully served both people and it's time to move onto the next experience! Just as your parents are now very happy with new people. The prior relationships served their purposes. I do think it is 10 times harder when children are involved b/c of the effects on them. But in the end you have to be happy. What can you give to others when you are absolutely miserable? What kind of example is that for children? Link to comment
Baily Posted June 3, 2015 Author Share Posted June 3, 2015 I am in no way encouraging them to go down this path. I like the statements made 'I'm sure you guys will work it out.' I'll use that. Link to comment
Baily Posted June 5, 2015 Author Share Posted June 5, 2015 Two days have past since my last post I met with wifey and we spoke for about 8 minutes. It was a good conversation. It wasn't easy, but the gist of it was. She wants me to reflect more on what we had and what could be. I spoke stating that she needs to know that I am planning on divorce, but I won't do so without taking time to reflect a few more weeks. The conversation was good. We spoke about not arguing and keeping our cool, getting on the same page with communication and doing the best we can with what we can. I spoke again at the end that she needs to really wrap her head around the fact that I'm not coming back. I don't want her holding onto something that isn't there...that's not fair to her. It wasn't easy, but I'm glad we did. That night I had a dream she was leaving me...and I was sad when I woke up. It helped me to understand what she's going though...and I'm real sorry. I have no interest in returning, but the dream gave me some time in the morning after waking to reflect a little more. I still have no interest in returning to the relationship....though I do love her as a person and as a mother. I just can't go back to the relationship side. It would be easy to walk back in and redo all that was...but I can't in my heart...and that's the tough part. Sometimes it's not the easy choices we have to make... I'd rather follow my heart than settle and that's what it comes down to I hugged my son big this morning and am very glad I have him in my life Link to comment
WithLove Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 Very positive outlook. Good for you! Best wishes for you. Keep us updated! Link to comment
Baily Posted June 8, 2015 Author Share Posted June 8, 2015 another weekend in the books apart. It's getting better. Our communication has improved, knock on wood. Orig wanted to take our son to AZ to hang with fam...she shut that door fast. After a day or so I asked again as nice as I could...and she said okay....just make sure he's back by 6pm. I had him back by 6 and all was well. There is still a ton to do with communication, but it's a start. We had a lot of fun. I AM WORRIED about my son. He's been fine, but I'm noticing when we are driving he's very occupied by staring out the window...he's always done that, but I wonder if he's bummed or depressed. I ask him, "are you okay?" ...he's said "yea good" every time" but I wonder. I will have to pay attention to it. I could easily be over read because of the 4 hour drive each way...as simple being bored in the car...but I need to pay attention to it. Onward and forward. I canceled her flight to vegas for Monday...I'm still thinking about going...not sure yet. Wondering if I want to swing it financially (which isn't a big deal) - and also wondering if I'd be bored being there alone....yea I know...Vegas...how can you be bored....just not used to going at it alone. So in that process now. I'll figure it out. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Did you consult with a counselor before sleeping elsewhere (besides the sofa or spare room) to get advice about how to portray things to your son? (and did you sleep part in the same house until them) To prep him? or did you just leave the house and left him in shock and surprise? Link to comment
Baily Posted June 8, 2015 Author Share Posted June 8, 2015 I slept in the same house but in the guest room for the past 5 years. I still see him every day - I don't think there is any way to dull the shock of the family parting up...and that's what's going on for him Link to comment
chitown9 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 I slept in the same house but in the guest room for the past 5 years. I still see him every day - I don't think there is any way to dull the shock of the family parting up...and that's what's going on for him The only thing in life that does not change is change. So don't kick yourself for that. It is a fact of life and one that your son is learning. Your son will be fine. He just needs to process what has happened just as you are processing what is happening. Everyone is in the same boat and has their own perspective. I think that you are being a good Dad. Being there for him is paramount and you are doing that. You will all get through this. chi Link to comment
Baily Posted June 9, 2015 Author Share Posted June 9, 2015 I signed my son up for a intense soccer camp that started Monday. It runs 3 hours a day. We did the first day yest. and he did great...and he loved it. It runs all week. I coach his soccer team during the season and I enjoyed watching him and learned as well. I kept track of the drills and will implement a few of them in my coaching. I know the separation / divorce will be tough on him, but I feel he will be fine. I'll enjoy spending the soccer time with him this week. Link to comment
Baily Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 Went to soccer camp yest. She showed up and watched for about 8 minutes. Part of me wants to judge her because it's a 3 hour event every day and she's only shown for 8 min...but I know I need to keep my mouth shut...but I'm allowing myself to 'vent' it here. It reminds me of all the times where my son and I do activities and she stays at home. She never participates....she always has another thing... I dropped our son off with her. She was fine for awhile then began crying and stating, "This is all easy for you!" and it began to get a bit ugly. I kept quiet and said, "Sorry, and no it's not easy for me." I went and hugged my son and said I'll see him today. She made a comment or two as I headed out the door. Figured arguing isn't worth it. I got home and it was nice and quiet...I found my happy place again. This confirms more and more for me as why I left and why I'm GLAD I'm gone. I now see the traps I fell into before and I make sure I don't hit them again. I hope she can begin to cut me off from that side of her...but that's beyond my control. Onward hoe Link to comment
Baily Posted June 11, 2015 Author Share Posted June 11, 2015 Yest after soccer practice I dropped my son off and wifey began a full court press trying to get me back. She is stating all these changes going on in her life and changing...so doing the changes I asked for earlier...she seemed sincere. I left there thinking 'am I an idiot for leaving this woman. Maybe I'm making a mistake.' My head began spinning...then I cam back and thought, 'NO! I'm not going back...it's not just one thing or two...it's a combo and we are a lot more likely to settle back to the way it was.' I am NOT OKAY with that. I am NOT going back...I AM NOT GOING BACK no matter how many traps are set. I will walk that minefield and I will come out the other side. I know the word minefield is a bit harsh, but I'm not going to settle because it's the easy thing to do. She's a great person and I love the fact that she's willing to make changes for me. I love the fact that she's a great mom! I love the fact that she has a professional job! I wish her the best, but I will no longer be her partner in that way. Not sure if anyone is reading this, but that's fine. If so and you feel like commenting I'd be happy to reply. I like using this as a sounding board. It's been good for me. Have a great day Link to comment
mhowe Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Reality has set in and she is realizing you are serious. These changes could have happened years ago, but there wasn't any cost to her to remain status quo. Five years in the guest room.... Link to comment
Baily Posted June 11, 2015 Author Share Posted June 11, 2015 Reality has set in and she is realizing you are serious. These changes could have happened years ago, but there wasn't any cost to her to remain status quo. Five years in the guest room.... Mhowe - thanks for your reply The thought that comes to mind for me is....I stopped loving her the second I found out she cheated.....I stayed because it was easier than moving on...I was connected to the physical items (the house). Dumb thinking, but it was true...it's amazing how much I held onto the physical items. We had been fading well before the cheating, so it's no big deal. I'm just glad I got to this point where I am now. VERY VERY GLAD! Anyone reading this...if you are going through tough times...and you don't love the person anymore and you are fearful of the unknown....DON'T! You'll be fine! Your personal happiness is MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH more important than any and all physical items...and you'll find that happiness...even though for awhile it won't seem like the sadness will end. It will. Forgive the other person (no matter what they did) and forgive yourself...life has many stages. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 You have much to look forward to. It sounds like the marriage was dead for a looong time and just became complacent. You got one beautiful thing out it though....your son I think that the mother of your son should be appreciated for that and acknowledged for that, but you need to be very clear that you are not partners in life now. Actually, you have not been partners in life for a very long time. Stay true to yourself. chi Link to comment
zebragirl Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Did you really stop loving her altogether or did it change where you didn't feel the same and you didn't like being with her? I still love my husband am contemplating leaving. It's so hard. I don't really want to be with him alot of the time. I am scared of his judgment and reactions to alot of things. I don't know if I've ever physically been that attracted to him. I do love him but when I found out he was avoiding sex with me all this time I was telling him something was wrong and I wanted our sex life to be better, a part of my love for him died. I don't want to see him hurt and I care about him but the "I can't to be with you, or wait till I see you again" was gone along time ago. I was just curious if you really stopped loving her before you left or how you knew. Link to comment
sky09 Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 The only person she needs to change for is herself, not you. Everything else is a facade that will go back to usual business after a few months. Link to comment
Baily Posted June 12, 2015 Author Share Posted June 12, 2015 I finally got to a point where I KNEW I could meet another person and be a lot happier...I knew that she could find someone and be happy too. I knew I loved her in many ways, but not as a lover/wife/partner. She provided a lot of things, but a sexual partner and lover was not there...along with many others. I said I'm not going to stay in a relationship just because the basics are taken care of. I want more out of life than having my clothes cleaned and a comfortable life....I want passion and love and a partner who likes doing what I like to do. I also got to a point that there was NO WAY I could continue and I wouldn't come back to her no matter what. The unknown is tough, but I'm glad I did. Link to comment
Baily Posted June 12, 2015 Author Share Posted June 12, 2015 The only person she needs to change for is herself, not you. Everything else is a facade that will go back to usual business after a few months. BINGO!!! You are dead on Link to comment
Baily Posted June 12, 2015 Author Share Posted June 12, 2015 You have much to look forward to. It sounds like the marriage was dead for a looong time and just became complacent. You got one beautiful thing out it though....your son I think that the mother of your son should be appreciated for that and acknowledged for that, but you need to be very clear that you are not partners in life now. Actually, you have not been partners in life for a very long time. Stay true to yourself. chi Agreed! Thanks for your reply Link to comment
.jpg.1626fbc48c04fd9021fd315819807524.thumb.jpg.882936eb5901fa05cf31c75617acde2e.jpg)
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.