(Highly) Considering Divorce

[lostandhurt]

You are very welcome Baily,

 

It matters little if anyone agrees with you are not as this is your life and your decision to make and live with.

 

What you do now is pretty important. Your child will be looking to you to see that everything will be okay. Notice that I said look to you to SEE not hear that everything will be okay. You need to educate yourself on what comes next.

 

I can tell you what I do for my son and it is very simple. I do my very best for him every single day. It is that simple and that complex.

 

Being DisneyLand Dad is a common mistake but I don't think you will make it.

 

One last thing. You love your wife so treat her like it. You may not be able to stay married but she has been a part of your life for a long time and the mother of your child. Until she does things that make that impossible do your best to always take the high road.

 

The roller coaster of emotions is normal. You will be okay when it is all over.

 

Lost

[abitbroken]

I think you are wrong to tell her not to get an attorney. She has a right to if she wants to. Even if she wants someone to read over the divorce papers with her so she can get a clear head, even if that is it.

 

When I was divorced, I wish I had, but I was too concerned about needing to appear nice.

 

Attorneys don't mean there is going to be a fight - but when you have a house or child, you might need someone's help as far as knowing what your rights are. When you have emotions, you are more likely to just agree to whatever and realize a little later that you shouldn't have. My ex ended up with family heirlooms of mine, personal items of mine, etc - I was so shell shocked that I didn't think of those items until I finally started unpacking my stuff and they were just not there. Things that I had since childhood, different pictures, etc, some random parts for my camera, etc. And there was no way to get them back.

 

There may be other things that you aren't thinking about right now as far as your son's future needs and when the papers are signed, she has no guarantee and you have no guarantee from her that you are going to follow through with.

[lostandhurt]

Attorneys are not needed if it is amicable. A mediator can educate each side on their rights and help them come to a settlement that is fair to both of them. If mediation fails you can always hire a lawyer and go that route.

 

Each person knowing their rights is most important as abitbroken stated. Sit down together and look for a mediator.

 

Have you told your son yet?

 

Lost

[poppy2014]

I feel for you, i really do. I've been there. Married, bored, no sex, no anything, trapped! Not even sex on our wedding night. I knew deep down that i shouldn't of married this person, even when i was actually marrying him. I could slap myself!!!

 

For years I was just mechanically moving through life. I felt dead inside.

 

He didn't know how to emote and he too had a history of mental health issues! Very even tempered, it used to drive me insane. Like you, Im outgoing, fiery and talkative and he wasn't which would make for some pretty uncomfortable social situations! I just gave up on social situations after 6 years and stayed at home. I started to resent him as i felt like he was holding me back.

 

Like you, we had it all, a house, commitments etc. It all seemed too huge to unravel and it seemed like i would be starting from scratch with nothing. And you know what.....i started off with very little, but i was happy with my very little. I was happy for the first time in years and my surroundings become irrelevant. I learned that to make myself happy, i used to buy stuff, all kinds of stuff, and fill my house with things that i didn't need because i was trying to find happiness in stuff! How stupid is that!

 

About the breakup and the messiness of it all, the question i asked myself was "what is worth more.... being happy in a relationship with passion and desire in a mediocre house, or being miserable in a lifeless, loveless relationship in the house of your dreams!

 

Its very hard to get love back once its lost and the way you speak of her sounds like you're talking about your friend, not your wife!

 

As for your relationship with your child, I don't think its appropriate for children to be exposed to all the goings on of a divorce, and im sure you would never do that. Divorcing parents often use their children as a weapon, ive see it with other people (friends) i know who are divorced. I hate that, i really do. If you have a good relationship with your son, you'll be ok. Just protect him from the bits he's doesn't need to see of know about.

 

Life is for living, live it!

[Baily]

Unlike our last separation 5 years ago...which was bitter...I'm stable and clear thinking this time. I'm not having the rollercoaster of emotions, but I know if and when they come it's okay. I agree with your statement of taking the high road. That's the goal and hopefully we both can keep it.

My friend stated it can go great but when she starts talking to her friends it might become ugly due to listening to their advise and taking on their bitterness...I agree that could happen...I hope it doesn't...

only time will tell.

 

 

 

I can agree to disagree with getting an attorney. We've spoken a few times now and talked about the finances and child custody and neither of us are crying and over emotional. We both are clear headed and agree that 'talking through attorneys' will cause problems and our 50% share will quickly become 25%.

I DO NOT wish her ANY ill-will. I am more than happy to split everything to the best of our abilities. I don't care if she gets a few extra dollars or items and I'm not out to take her personal items. Shoot she can have most of the stuff in the house...I don't really care about it. Even the house that is valued at $320,000...I told her I'd sell it to her for $300,000 if she wants to keep it....if she doesn't I said at $300,000 I'd take it.

I think we can split the items up fair without attorneys....I KNOW they'll only take and take and take till we are left with nothing.

 

 

I agree with you re: attorneys not

We sat him down together and had the conversation. He did well. He got teary eyed at one point...and that's fine. We reassured him we BOTH love him. We allowed him to ask questions and did our best to answer them. He's 9 and very intelligent...so some of his questions we had to answer with, "Well when you get older you'll understand because of the experiences you'll have, but at this point I'm sorry to say it's not something that we could explain other than to say these are adult problems." By the end he understood. I asked as soon as we were done if he'd like to go outside and throw the football...which we do almost every day. He said, 'yes' and we went outside for 15 min and had fun. I didn't see him again on Saturday, but spent all of Sunday with him.

 

 

 

WOW! Great Post! Many of your comments rang true for me. I worried for way too long about the finances and made them way too important in my life. I make good money and so does she so it's not the end of the world. I'm really glad I didn't marry someone without a good profession ahead of them. I can't imagine those of you who have divorced someone then had to pay child support AND Alimony...that would drive me crazy paying money to an adult who can work but either doesn't or just because they didn't make the $ you do they are entitled to your cash...UGH...but that's another topic...

I will keep everything for my son positive when it comes to his mom. I won't ever speak of the past issues we have had or ever shine her in a negative light. It's his mom and he should always love and respect her. No matter what! I will support that.

Re: getting love back after it's lost. I couldn't no matter how hard I tried....and I did. We just were not compatible.

She still wants me back...I want that to stop. She needs to begin thinking about her new chapter(s) ahead.

 

Thanks again to all who commented

I'm now simply on day 4 of this journey and I'll come back again to learn more from you guys. Good luck

[poppy2014]

You sound like a good man, I wish you all the luck

[Baily]

I'm not so bad...

 

Today when I picked up my son he asked me if I was going to go to Vegas with mom ...as we have done every year in June...THAT WAS TOUGH! I said, "I don't know bud, I think that might be a little strange." He replied, "Didn't you say that mom needs to have more fun (he continued) She would have fun there and that would be good." My heart and stomach dropped. I said, 'probably not going to happen."

I think he's over hearing her talking on the phone and I know she wants me to go on that trip...as we always have. Now don't get me wrong ...I LOVE VEGAS and I love that trip...but I KNOW that if I go I'm going to fall into traps. I'm going to get horny and I'm going to sleep with her and then I'm back in it....AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! THEN it's going to be you tricked me you used me and had sex with me now you don't want me...you bastard!

 

I just answered my own question. THERE ISN'T A CHANCE IN HELL I'M GOING....(note: I'm yelling to myself)

 

It's tough to think about that he's pushing us to get together. I don't want to be the bad guy to him...but I'm not going back there.

I know this road is going to be filled with good and bad....this one was tough...

 

I'll keep moving and doing the best I can. I love them both and will do all I can to help support both of them, but I am not going back to being married to her.

 

I'll add to anyone who is thinking about following the same steps....

I'm not looking for places to rent (as I'm currently staying at my parents winter home). I found a few places on Zillow that are nice. Before you go looking at houses/apartments for rent be ready for the following. Go get and print a bunch of copies of your credit score...they all will require it. Be ready to have first AND last month rent ready...which is a good chunk of change to get together. Be prepped...the worst thing would have to go back to living in the house and walking on egg shells...no thanks. I'm getting my ducks in a row....well the best I can...

[lostandhurt]

Baily,

This will test you and build you into more of a man than you ever imagined. This is a huge opportunity to be the kind of father you only dream of. I was a pretty damn good husband and father before the divorce but now I am frequently told what a great dad I am. You are now working without a safety net since his mother is not around when you will have him. This brings out qualities you never knew you even had and it will be a beautiful discovery.

 

Trust me on this.

 

Let her find her way to healing and acceptance that it is truly over. It is a personal journey and all you can do is to make sure you never give her false hope it can be saved.

 

Lost

[Baily]

Lost -

I believe you to be correct re: fathering. What really rings true is your statement that she needs to find her own journey through this and I CAN NOT give her any false hope...which I've always dreaded giving anyone bad news to the point I'd avoid it or side step things to ease someones fall.

[Baily]

just updating - It's few more days in and I feel sound with my decision. I'm glad I made it

We are getting along well. She got mad at me the other day then said she was sorry for getting mad the next...just said it's been tough for her.

I still see a lot of positives in her...she's a great person, an awesome mother and a wonderful person. That doesn't mean I want to have a relationship with her. The areas lacking for me are: likes to do the same activities, willingness to be adventurous, sexual connection (that's a big one for me) and religion.

I hope we can remain friends and I will support her in anyway I can (but not going back in the relationship)

We have our son's school activity tonight....we will see how that goes.

 

I'll update later and again good luck to all of you

p.s. Thanks for taking the time to read this...feel free to respond.

[WithLove]

Hi Baily,

 

I'm really glad that you're able to distinguish your ex's good values and know that while she's in general a very good person, you recognize that she's just not compatible with you. I also think very highly of you for wanting to show her the respect and kindness that she deserves as the mother of your child. My parents divorced when I was 12. It was an impressionable age for me, and even though it was not an amicable divorce, my parents never spoke badly about one another to me and always pushed me to see the other. Now as an adult, I can see the value of them treating each other with respect (at least in front of me) even though their marriage did not work out.

 

I wish you the best of luck. Keep us updated on how you're doing.

[Baily]

Hi Baily,

 

I'm really glad that you're able to distinguish your ex's good values and know that while she's in general a very good person, you recognize that she's just not compatible with you. I also think very highly of you for wanting to show her the respect and kindness that she deserves as the mother of your child. My parents divorced when I was 12. It was an impressionable age for me, and even though it was not an amicable divorce, my parents never spoke badly about one another to me and always pushed me to see the other. Now as an adult, I can see the value of them treating each other with respect (at least in front of me) even though their marriage did not work out.

 

I wish you the best of luck. Keep us updated on how you're doing.

 

My parents divorced when I was in 3rd or 4th grade...sad to say it's the same for my son. The difference was my parents were bitter as hell and always spoke bad about the other...I learned to ignore it...

I don't hate her...but I don't love her (in that way). I KNOW she will find someone else and she will be happy. The single guys out there will be SHOCKED to see her on the market. She's got a lot going for her. I want her to be happy and I'm sure she will be. It's just a tough road ahead for her now.

She thinks I'm all smiles and it's easy for me...it's not. But I think being sound in my decision has made it easier than an emotional decision.

One step at a time...one day at a time...

 

Thanks a ton for your post...I enjoyed reading it.

[abitbroken]

So...basically she is exactly who you married - don't have many common interests, difference of religions, she's not adventurous and the reason you don't want to stay in the marriage is these things that are missing - but she brought them to the table from the start. I suggest you spend ample time alone with no women and take time to heal and get to figure things out as a single dad. But that when you do meet someone, you don't expect them to be any different from who they are and what they bring to the table. People have a way of not changing like that.

 

I know you are focusing on that your parents divorce was bitter and yours was not - and that doesn't deserve any awards. If you grow from this and take someone at face value and don't expect them to be anyone they are not - then maybe something will last - if you will commit to it.

[lostandhurt]

Baily,

 

Even though you pulled the trigger I believe you did both or you a favor. She doesn't sound happy and stayed in the marriage because she loves you and was afraid of change. Divorce is not pleasant for anyone but it can be a catalyst for change, change that allows each to grow and discover true happiness in being who they truly are.

 

It is sad that you both tried and couldn't make it work but hopefully you two can be great co-parents and stay focused on your child above all else.

 

Let her get mad at you and just take it and when she tries to apologize simply tell her you understand and that is okay. There are stages of acceptance and grief over the death of a marriage. Each goes through them in their own way.

 

Lost

 

PS She isn't the woman he married. She wasn't a cheater when he married her and I think they have both been suffering from that betrayal.

[abitbroken]

PS She isn't the woman he married. She wasn't a cheater when he married her and I think they have both been suffering from that betrayal.

 

True - but the incompatibilities that he is stating as the reason of not staying now were there from the beginning. Who knows if they helped cause the wedge/the disconnect in the marriage leading her to cheat or not.

[Baily]

Lost/abitbroken

 

Abit - I'd say you are way off base. First off the statement - focusing on my parents divorce. Honestly I have no focus on that and could care less that they did it...I'm now glad they did as they are VERY different people and both are in very successful relationships. Second, SHE CHANGED. Upon dating she was very sexual, we traveled a ton, went camping, and did MANY activities together. Upon getting married our sex life dropped like a rock. She refused to give me oral and we went from multiple positions to two...and she refused to go back. We would have sex for 30 min up to an hour (including foreplay) - after words she wanted everything over and done in 10 min or less ie. 'get it over with'

Wedding cake destroyed her sex drive and I'm not joking. She wasn't religious at all when we met...upon joining a group she became more and more and MORE involved there and that's where things got worse. She focused on the religion and suddenly things were no longer right. She stopped having social drinks with me and became a home body. She also became often worried about getting stuff done for the religious group stating, 'if i don't get this done... ' The religion became a duty.

Lost is correct with her cheating - till you live it....you'll never understand. That crack broke the pillar of our relationship and I worked hard to put it back together...we did, but that large crack was always there....hide it or don't look at it ....it's there...and the trust you had is gone. Even if cheating was the ONLY problem...it's still a big deal I wish I had quit at that time...but I didn't...dumb me.

 

Updating: Talked to her today to get a schedule for our son...that went well. Broke off finances....she didn't like that. We have the same job and make the same money. Now things are getting tough. She's now getting what I'd describe as sad and angry. It's weird and there was one point where she was way off and I knew to argue it....which she was wrong...was going to make things worse....so I said...okay let's move on. I did tell her I wasn't planning on coming back. It's getting more and more real. I was glad to get out of the house.

She now has some idea that the house is hers....weird mentality...as if because I moved out I somehow have no future rights to the house...but that'll be worked out in time. I am going to take my share.

[sky09]

I suggest you hit up this forum, as it is never a good idea to move out of the house (read the list): link removed

[lostandhurt]

Read back through your own thread and take the words to heart, then look at the situation as it is unfolding. It will help.

 

As this all becomes more and more real to her there will be backlash and then times of calmness. Many times it is best to put an idea out there and let the other person get used to that idea and then talk about it later. I like that you moved on when it seemed like it was going to get heated.

 

You do need to get going on a separation agreement right away to protect your rights. It basically draws a line in time when you separated so there is no questions on intent.

 

Have you found a mediator yet? That needs to be done right away so you both feel like you have someone in the know helping you through this process.

 

Lost

[Baily]

Looks like I better start the legal process....damn! I don't want to start filing paperwork, but it looks like I have to. I'm going to research it online now.

[Baily]

Sky - I looked around the forum ...not much advice I could see....a lot of ing and complaining...with a few funny comments.

[catfeeder]

Looks like I better start the legal process....damn! I don't want to start filing paperwork, but it looks like I have to. I'm going to research it online now.

 

Yup. In many states filing a legal separation can protect you from any further debt the spouse incurs from that point forward. That's why folks raised an attorney--use one to get legal advice, not necessarily representation.

[sky09]

Sky - I looked around the forum ...not much advice I could see....a lot of ing and complaining...with a few funny comments.

 

I do hope your case goes as smooth as possible, but better be ready for the worst (like many of the cases on that forum), than not ready at all

[Baily]

It's late at night here...all was good relaxing at my new place. She text me, 'I love you' I don't know how to even respond. I don't love her, but I can't text that back. This is awkward. I'm not going to respond for now.

I feel bad for her. She knows that I'm moving towards divorce, but she doesn't want me to go. Problem I feel is that she has and will do things for me and that is NOT what I want. We used to do Vegas every year ...about this time of year...she just told me I don't go to Vegas because I like it. I go because you like it. I was thinking "ugh...I want to be with someone who LIKES doing these things not someone who does them for me.' I know she'd take me back and do everything I asked, but it wouldn't be genuine...it would be in order to save the marriage and keep me around. It's sad for many reasons.

I'm just venting/thinking aloud here right now. I like this board and forum. Strange but true

I need some rest...good night all

 

Sky - thanks for the advice...I'm going to get on it.

[Baily]

Updated: I didn't respond to her text. This morning I just sent her a 'Hi' text and she responded with 'hi' ...not a big deal by any means, but at least I didn't get a freak out message of 'I said I loved you and you don't respond.........' ugh

 

so that's one step forward.

 

Not sure if I mentioned it, but she sent me a text saying she wanted to have sex....I thought 'hell no' not going there. That's why I went back the first time....and 5 years later I'm back to where I was....not falling into that venus fly trap.

[mhowe]

A bit of levity....I am never eating adding cake again! Who knew!!?