I am 31, and I so far I have hooked up with 18 guys. I am too ***ty to marry?

[Mary Anne Johnson]

Hi!

I am 31 years old, and I have never been in a relationship.

I lost my virginity at 21 years old to a random guy at a former classmates party.

All throughout my 20s, I was too preoccupied with school, working, friends, going out, and me time to worry about the fact that I’m single. 
 

Also, ages 25-27, I was unfortunate enough to fall for someone who was toxic and wouldn’t give me the time of the day. But it was the first time I ever had actual feelings for someone, I back then I was willing to wait for them.

Then, at 27, I fell for my voice teacher (I take voice lessons), whom I couldn’t date for obvious reasons. I liked him secretly for a year and a half before he moved away. I haven’t seen him or spoken to him since.

Despite the fact that I have never been in an actual relationship, I still had plenty of opportunities to hook up with guys. So I did, because I was horny and I wanted to have fun. 
 

Over the past decade, I have hooked up with 18 men. Not all of those hook-ups included intercourse; most of them never went further than oral or sexting/sending pictures.

One day, hopefully soon, I want to find a serious boyfriend who could eventually become a husband. 
 

My question is, is my number too high? Am I a *** who no one would ever want to marry because I hooked up with 18 guys?

thanks.

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Mary Anne Johnson said:

I am 31 years old, and I have never been in a relationship.One day, hopefully soon, I want to find a serious boyfriend who could eventually become a husband. 

Who cares about numbers? Your sexual history is no one's business. As long as you're taking care of yourself and your health including STD testing and contraception it doesn't matter. 

As far as starting to date seriously that's fine. If you're afraid you're using sex for other reasons such as attention or distraction there's help for that.

Are you from a particularly conservative or sexist culture that you choose to use such derogatory terms for women who have a high libido or casual sex? Is premarital sex taboo in your culture or are women expected to be virginal? 

[LootieTootie]

Well, I would never use the adjective that rhymes with shore to describe anyone. I also think your past is your past and your entitled to keep that to yourself and not share if you feel the info will not serve anyone well.

Just reading your post, I think theres some things that need to be addressed thats more important than your body counts.

You mentioned you never had a real gf-bf relationship and that means you don't have a lot of experience in being in an actual relationship.

Do you want a real relationship? Why didnt you want a real relationship before?

 

 

[Mary Anne Johnson]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Who cares about numbers? Your sexual history is no one's business. As long as you're taking care of yourself and your health including STD testing and contraception it doesn't matter. 

As far as starting to date seriously that's fine. If you're afraid you're using sex for other reasons such as attention or distraction there's help for that.

Are you from a particularly conservative or sexist culture that you choose to use such derogatory terms for women who have a high libido or casual sex? Is premarital sex taboo in your culture or are women expected to be virginal? 

No, I am not from a conservative or sexist culture at all. Premarital sex is also not taboo for me. As far as me calling myself a sl@t… it’s just a figure of speech, or something… I did not mean it in a shameful way… idk, it’s hard to explain.

and yes, I have been checking up at the doctors for STDs and taking care of myself, using birth control every time. 
 

and I definitely don’t use sex for any reason other than getting pleasure or having fun. I would do it for any other reason.

thank you for the advice and kind and wise words!

[Mary Anne Johnson]

@LootieTootie

its true that I do not have experience with bf/gf relationships. As I have explained in my post, my 20s were filled with studying, working, going out, meeting new people, hanging out with friends, and also relaxation/ me time. A lot of times, I was too busy to even care about the fact that I’m single.

also, in my mid-late 20s, I have had major crushes on people who weren’t available to me. At 25, I became infatuated with someone who turned out to be toxic. Even though things fell through with them about 2 months into our friendship/relationship, whatever it was, for the next two years I continued to pine and wait for them because they had a lot of qualities that I was truly attracted to, for the first time ever at that point.

When I was 27, I developed an infatuation with my music teacher (I take voice lessons). He was in a relationship at the time, too. Besides, he was my teacher - enough said.

[Cookie24]

Being in a healthy committed relationship has nothing to do with your body count. Someone could be a virgin and still be the worst partner another person could have. Focus on much more important skills such as healthy communication, emotional availability, willingness to fight for your partner. These traits and many more is what makes you a good partner, and not your body count. 

I hope you find what you're looking for. Best luck. 

 

[Mary Anne Johnson]

@LootieTootie and yes, I do want a real relationship. Maybe marriage, someday soon. That I also explained in my original post.

[Mary Anne Johnson]

@Wiseman2 and @LootieTootie thank you for the advice! Now I feel better!

[LootieTootie]

2 minutes ago, Mary Anne Johnson said:

@LootieTootie and yes, I do want a real relationship. Maybe marriage, someday soon. That I also explained in my original post.

Got it. Yea, number count does not matter.

You know that saying "Men and their egos..." Well you might meet a guy who cares what your number count is and I can just tell you, you don't have to tell them. Thats your business. 

[bluecastle]

What strikes me as troublesome here is your outlook far more than your history. Nothing to be ashamed of, in short. And, all in all, probably far closer to a pretty typical past than anything outlandish.

Most importantly, though? It's your history, nobody else's business, and nothing you're required to share with anyone. What I mean by that is: If I was single and dating, I'd be way more thrown by someone telling me their "body count," an expression that induces in me instant nausea, than whether they'd hooked up with 3 or 30 people before me.

Just my opinion, but the people who care deeply about that sort of thing are themselves not really people to waste any time with or trying to impress. 

[Seraphim]

Your history isn’t anyone’s business but yours. 

[smackie9]

Your number is no ones business.

[Andrina]

45 minutes ago, Mary Anne Johnson said:

my 20s were filled with studying, working, going out, meeting new people, hanging out with friends, and also relaxation/ me time. A lot of times, I was too busy to even care about the fact that I’m single

Quoted is what you say to a new dating prospect when discussing relationship history. That's it. No details about sex and sexual partners. 

You've sown your wild oats, had life experienced where you've learned lots about yourself and what you presently want in life. A good place to now go for your goals. I'd suggest reading some helpful books about wise practices in the dating world. Of course, not all are good books. Read reviews before buying.

[Batya33]

Agree with all the others. If you truly want a committed long term romantic relationship for the right reasons you will make choices consistent with that desire and goal. Do you feel comfortable giving up the freedom to pursue sex with a man who looks like he’d be fun in bed or you’re attracted to - if you’re serious with someone else. Also are you concerned about getting bored with a man who truly wants to be with with you and is available to be with you ? Where there no chasing and he’s not keeping you at arms length ?

[ShySoul]

There are some people who would judge for having so many partners. And those people are not worth your time and wouldn't be likely to be someone you want a relationship with anyway. What matters isn't your past, it's the relationship you build in the present with the current partner. If the person is right for you, they will love you for the person you are and not care about the past. 

8 hours ago, Cookie24 said:

Someone could be a virgin and still be the worst partner another person could have.

Someone could also be a virgin and be an amazing lover. Or someone could have tons of experience and the experience be horrible. Past experience isn't indicative of current performance. What makes it special and memorable is the feelings between the two people involved.

[Kwothe28]

11 hours ago, Mary Anne Johnson said:

My question is, is my number too high?

Since there are people who are by their own confession in tripple numbers, 18 is unfortunately very tame in this sex obsessed culture. And you didnt even had sex with most of them.

11 hours ago, Mary Anne Johnson said:

Am I a *** who no one would ever want to marry because I hooked up with 18 guys?

Kim Kardashian was married 3 times and she changed boyfriends ever week so dont think that was an issue lol. 

Unless you advertise it I doubt anybody would care that much. Its not something that shocking today. I can see your lack of an actual relationship experience as an issue though. In a meaning that, due to lack of it, you will have dificulties when an actual relationship comes along the way. 

[dias]

You are cool 😎 . Nothing to worry about. Sure you will meet some wimps who care about it but who cares about wimps anyway.

[poorlittlefish]

By the time I was in my 30s I had slept with that kind of number of men, albeit they were guys I was dating or in relationships with.  It didn't stop me getting married and my (ex) husband didn't ever ask for a number.  You can sleep with whomever you like when you're single and so can men.  The number shouldn't matter for either sex.

[Tinydance]

Well at 31 even having sex with 18 people I think isn't actually that high. You're saying some of those were only sexting or sending sexy photos. To be honest I don't actually consider just sending a sexy message or photo actual hookup. It's just virtual so it's not like you physically did anything at all. To me a hookup would need to be in person. 

Also in answer to your question if you can get married if you slept with many people - yes anyone can get married. There are people on Only Fans who are married, people who are porn stars, strippers or sex workers who are married. 

[Jaunty]

14 hours ago, Mary Anne Johnson said:

@LootieTootie and yes, I do want a real relationship. Maybe marriage, someday soon. That I also explained in my original post.

Your sexual past has little to do with your potential to have a good relationship.   But your opinion of yourself and your ability to connect with another person on a deep level do.  
 

You may have to work for it.  

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Mary Anne Johnson said:

I do want a real relationship. Maybe marriage, someday soon. 

That's fine. Perhaps you're ready to settle down. As far as the rest, think of it as practice and learning. It's your business entirely and has no bearing on successful relationships in the future. 

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, ShySoul said:

There are some people who would judge for having so many partners. And those people are not worth your time and wouldn't be likely to be someone you want a relationship with anyway.

I didn't judge for purposes of friendship. I did for purposes of a long term romantic partner just like people do routinely if they're looking for a life partner/spouse - it's not judging as in you're not a good person it's judging as in are you the right match for me. Big difference.

I preferred not to date men who'd had many partners and were comfortable with casual sex and sought out intercourse routinely for pleasure with women who were either strangers or a casual date or acquaintance. 

As a friend - I simply respected their choice to have multiple partners as long as it was all consensual and with single people -no biggie.

  I did feel comfortable dating men who had had multiple partners in the past and decided it wasn't for them and they wanted to be with one person. 

I don't judge anynone who decides that another person has values about sex, about how to interact with people, about drugs, etc is not the right match for them. And that is also true of men and women who are religious and have specific religious values about casual sex and premarital sex which often informs who they choose to date.

I had and have friends who use illegal drugs.  I never dated people who did.  I have friends who get drunk and used to have many.  I didn't date men who drank to get drunk and enjoyed doing that regularly.  I didn't judge I just didn't date them. 

 I would not like at all including in a dating context someone who tells someone else they are a bad person for having multiple partners or calls them names.  That's not right IMO at all.  I did ask about sexual history for purposes of STDs and potential testing.  And timing of when to test.  Typicaly the men who were comfortable with casual sex or multiple partners liked to share their pasts with me in some way - or it came up on their initiative.  I didn't ask.  

[Coily]

Sorry, not sorry to disagree with just about everyone here.

It's not the specific number, as much as it is the perception how little value sex has to you and for enough men it's a sign of how much you value yourself. The old saying that women gate keep sex, and men gate keep relationships, usually holds up.

Should you parade that number around, no. But if it ever becomes a topic of contention in a relationship; would you want to be deceived?

[catfeeder]

In my book, any man who would ask a grown woman for her 'body count' is too controlling and immature to be a good partner for marriage in the first place. So such an intrusive question can be used as your screening device to rule out anyone who is that dense.

I'd regard new dates and potential BF's to be entitled to know your current health status regarding STD's or STI's and an accurate history of your marital status. Beyond that is TMI and not a great platform for launching into a future with anyone. The only exception might be if there are racy pics or videos of you out there beyond your control. If so, you may want to raise that issue at an appropriate time, and then you'll learn whether or not he's able to deal with that. But if he starts an interrogation about your sexual history beyond that, then he's toast!

Head high.

[Tinydance]

The thing is though, unless someone slept with like 100 + people, I think what is considered "too high" is subjective. I could be wrong but for example it seems to me that since dating apps have existed, there's more of a casual hookup culture. Especially amongst younger people, people in their 20's. I'm not saying everyone does it of course but I know many people that do.

I agree that it depends on personal beliefs and values. And often people seem to feel intimidated and/or uncomfortable if they haven't been with that many people, but their partner has. If someone is 30 and they've been with like 20 people, I don't consider it super high. If you're dating someone who has been with 20 people as well then they probably won't care. But some people who are more traditional maybe have only been with 5 - 10 people so maybe they might think it's high. 

Also everyone's life is different. Someone could get married young and be married for 10 - 15 years. So someone could be 40 and only been with a couple of people and someone else could be 40 and never married bit dated and been with 20 people. It doesn't mean the person who has been with 20 people is a ho but it's just the way their life turned out. Some people do want to get married but they just didn't find the right person (or not yet).