How should I deal with the nosey, opinioated female friend of my boyfriend.

[eastcoastgal]

My boyfriend has a female friend that he talks to about problems our the relationship. I have been in this situation before and it has always led to the end of the relationship. I have told him to stop but he wont. She recently told him that she thought I was cheating because I spend time with my male friends.

I am going to confront her about this and, from experience, this will only strengthen their alliance and alienate myself.

What can I do??

[boltnrun]

Why confront her? Your boyfriend is the one going to her telling stories about your relationship. HE is the problem, not her.

Why don't you confront him? If he continues to refuse to stop, you have your answer.

[Coily]

How long have they been friends and how long have you and your BF been together?

[eastcoastgal]

She could stop giving him advice and say that she doesn't want to get involved. I've only met her a couple of times, she needs to mind her own business

[eastcoastgal]

I could tell him to stop but he'd just do it behind my back.

4 minutes ago, Coily said:

How long have they been friends and how long have you and your BF been together?

Them 4-5 years, us 2.5

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

She could stop giving him advice and say that she doesn't want to get involved. I've only met her a couple of times, she needs to mind her own business

But your boyfriend is making it her business by telling her these things.

Why are you blaming her and not your boyfriend?

[indea08]

4 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

I could tell him to stop but he'd just do it behind my back.

Them 4-5 years, us 2.5

This is the problem, not the other girl. Is this worth putting up with in order to be with him?

[Kwothe28]

17 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

I have been in this situation before and it has always led to the end of the relationship.

Youve been in the situation before when:

a) ex had a woman friend that he confides

b) ex complained about your men friends

c) all of the above

Because if the answer is b, dont think you have much space to complain how he spends time and confines to his woman friend when you are spending time with yours. And it clearly creates a problem as well. I cant condone him spilling the milk after you told him not too. But that is between you two, not the friend.

[Coily]

Ok, so they have a longer friendship. If it were a male friend of his would you be as bothered by this?

Are there other problems with the your relationship? Worried he may cheat or have an emotional affair? Is it the friendship overall that concerns you or just him seeking advice about your relationship?

From his perspective you could be seen as being overly jealous of him having a platonic friendship. This is about setting reasonable boundaries in the outside world meddling in the relationship, so a you and your BF thing. This has in all reality zero to do with her, full stop.

[Betterwithout]

Do you feel threatened by his other women friends?
Some couples are comfortable with sharing their love lives with others.  Seems he is ok with it, but you are not.   Solve that first and foremost.  He needs to respect that you don't want him hanging out dirty laundry to friends.
 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, eastcoastgal said:

I am going to confront her about this and, from experience, this will only strengthen their alliance and alienate myself.

Sorry this is happening.How old is he?   Your BF is the problem, so if you want a confrontation, talk to him. She wouldn't be in your business if he didn't invite that.

He doesn't respect you or the relationship if he's off telling this friend all his issues with you. He needs to talk to you about it. But he seems too immature to do so.

Reflect if this is the right man or relationship for you. He doesn't have integrity and blabs your business to his friends too much.  

Read up on "triangulation". It's when everyone is a pawn in a manipulators life that he just plays against each other.

[Batya33]

You can only control you.  He is a person who confides in his friends about his relationship with you.  He has this friend who has reacted by advising him that you are not treating him properly. He is his own person and can decide what to do with that information.  He is his own person and can tell her not to give him advice. 

If you don't think it's ok to confide in friends as he is doing he is maybe not the right person for you.  If he thinks you might cheat with your male friends and you want to keep hanging out with male platonic friends you two might not be compatible but he can't tell you not to have friends.  If she treats you disrespectfully in person you can tell her "I dont' like how you are speaking to me right now" or some such.  You can control how you react.  Your boyfriend can make his own choices and you decide if you're ok with those choices.

[Tinydance]

Well to be honest I think people do confide in their friends or family about their relationship problems. But normally their partner probably doesn't know about it because their friends listen but they don't get involved in their relationship. I do confide in my best friend and vice versa. But I guess the difference is my friend is a girl. And also if we do discuss our relationship with the other person, to be honest we don't really tell our partner. Like, we don't say: "I talked to my friend about you and they said such and such". The reality is people probably do talk about us to their friends or family, but we just don't know about it because they don't tell us and those people usually don't get involved. 

Does your boyfriend have male friends as well? I actually do have a couple of closer male friends but with one of them the friendship is a bit superficial in the sense that we don't usually talk about deep things or come to each other with our problems. I do talk to my other male friend about deeper things or issues but he's actually gay. So I guess it wouldn't look to my partner like I'm into him or anything by confiding in him.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, eastcoastgal said:

She could stop giving him advice and say that she doesn't want to get involved. I've only met her a couple of times, she needs to mind her own business

Your BF could stop but he won't. And his game is working. He's got you angry at her even though he's the culprit in blabbing your business to her.

So he has her thinking you're cheating and he has you thinking she's the problem. So presto! He's the innocent hero and you two are the problem and at each other's throats. See how manipulative this is?

[MissCanuck]

The problem is your boyfriend. 

4 hours ago, eastcoastgal said:

She recently told him that she thought I was cheating because I spend time with my male friends

And just who do you think planted that seed in her mind? He is the bigger problem. Not her. 

[smackie9]

The problem is your BF. Tell him to cut it out. tell him if he has issues the only person he should be talking to is YOU. If he doesn't understand that then kick him to the curb. 

[catfeeder]

She is irrelevant. Either your BF is trustworthy to not betray your confidences, or he's not.

If not, then what do you have?

[Cherylyn]

The problem isn't the nosy female friend.  It's your boyfriend who is the problem.  He doesn't know how to keep his trap shut.  If he refuses to exercise common sense by shutting up, then you need a new boyfriend who knows how to be quiet!

[sweetlady]

11 hours ago, eastcoastgal said:

My boyfriend has a female friend that he talks to about problems our the relationship. I have been in this situation before and it has always led to the end of the relationship. I have told him to stop but he wont. She recently told him that she thought I was cheating because I spend time with my male friends.

I am going to confront her about this and, from experience, this will only strengthen their alliance and alienate myself.

What can I do?

 

This sounds so messy tbh.

I would have a go at him whatever he telling her has led her to believe this. 

He not defending you because obviously seems like he was bad mouthing you. She backed him up probably telling him something he wanted to hear because he could be looking for a way out.

 

[SooSad33]

So he talks to her about your problems.. that's fine. But this that she is assuming, isn't!

Did you confront him about this that she has said? ( was it him who told you?)  I'd be rightly offended!

If anything, he should outright trust you - and not whatever she is assuming. I'd be letting him know that this kind of talk is not acceptable and if this happens, then you're done. ( then he can make his choice - smarten her up about all of this, or lose you).

 

[eastcoastgal]

We each have friends of the opposite sex. He came home a few days ago after being out with her (and that's where he goes when we argue) and said that she told him that she suspected I was cheating ...because I hang out with a guy ... and this guy is a MUTUAL friend of my BF and I!

she's meddling. No I don't think they are messing around,she's married and not his type. He has other female friends that I like very much, and I prefer he talk to them, at least they know me and will be objective.

I think he talks to her when he's mad because she will reinforce and validate him. She's gone one step further accusing me of cheating though. 

[Andrina]

8 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

We each have friends of the opposite sex. He came home a few days ago after being out with her (and that's where he goes when we argue) and said that she told him that she suspected I was cheating ...because I hang out with a guy ... and this guy is a MUTUAL friend of my BF and I!

she's meddling. No I don't think they are messing around,she's married and not his type. He has other female friends that I like very much, and I prefer he talk to them, at least they know me and will be objective.

I think he talks to her when he's mad because she will reinforce and validate him. She's gone one step further accusing me of cheating though. 

He's created and allowed this toxicity that makes you feel like crap. Uses his words like an arrow to pierce your heart. In the right relationship, a partner wants you to have the happiest life possible, and arguments won't be as regular as it seems is happening in your relationship.

Get away from the drama. Life is stressful enough without having a partner add to it instead of easing your troubles. No matter how cute he is, the bad outweighs the good.

[boltnrun]

Again, this is him not her. If he didn't go running to her telling stories about you she wouldn't be making comments.

She isn't "nosy" when HE is inviting her into your relationship.

But maybe it's easier to blame her than to hold him responsible.

[HeartGoesOn]

Hopefully you'll come to the realization that he's the culprit, and not her.  At this point you're giving him permission to continue, simply because there are no consequences for his actions.

Time to raise the bar.

[catfeeder]

On 2/3/2023 at 8:51 AM, eastcoastgal said:

[He] said that she told him that she suspected I was cheating ...

Again, the problem is not with her. My question to him would be, "Why would you tell me this?"

BF is the one stirring the pot and creating the drama. So the question becomes, why would you stay with a guy like this?