Pressure to have sex

[Daisy Brown]

I’ve been dating several men the past year (not casual). And not dating like in relationship. But dating like in “seeing each other”.
And there is one thing that is persistent, and that is that all of them have wanted sex extremely fast (ranging from first to second time seeing each other) And when I tell them I want to wait, they keep pressuring / hinting / trying to / talking about it.

I have reflected about it, and I end up saying yes to sex way quicker than what I REALLY want, because I convince myself that I want to, due to the pressure.

Then I end up breaking it off with these men way earlier, despite them wanting a second chance. 
 

So I’m left with several questions, hoping some nice strangers can give advice:)) please be kind / respectful 

1. Im considered an attractive woman (by social standards) and I like to think that I treat people nicely too. Do these men want to sleep with me so quickly because of my qualities or do men just want to sleep with every woman they meet right away?

2. They respect a no by saying ok, but they keep pressuring / hinting. Is this okay? Or should I consider it a red flag? Am I just unlucky and only bumping into douchebags or are all men like this/ is this normal?

3. Why do I lose interest and break it off with men fairly quickly after spending the night together? Can it be because I gave in to the pressure and on the inside I wasn’t ready, despite convincing myself I am? Or some other reason?

note: I don’t regret sleeping with them. But after reflecting, I realize I gave in to the pressure and slept with them quicker than what I would have wanted to with the absence of pressure. And that is a bit uncomfortable 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

Yea, men who want to sleep with you on the first few dates are mostly not serious about you nor about wanting a relationship. And yes, they do that to all women. You're just one of them.

Men who pout like babies when you say no are not men. They're like spoiled inconsiderate kids. You don't need those in your life. The fact they pout and you give in shows them that your no means yes. Do not do this again to yourself. It's definitely a red flag and you should RUN. Don't give in anymore. Don't betray your boundaries to please someone else and then hate yourself for it. Instead, choose yourself. Have some standards. Learn to walk away from what doesn't align with what you want. 

Serious men would not talk about sex on the first dates. They're focused instead on getting to know you and hanging out with you. Steer clear from any men who behave otherwise.

Why have you only been with such men? Where do you connect with them? On dating apps?

[Wiseman2]

Only do what you want when you want. If they try to hustle you into bed and it's not what you want, end it. If you are up for casual hookups, that's fine too, but decide who, what, where and when is right for you.

Are you using free or hookup apps?

[Daisy Brown]

35 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Yea, men who want to sleep with you on the first few dates are mostly not serious about you nor about wanting a relationship. And yes, they do that to all women. You're just one of them.

Men who pout like babies when you say no are not men. They're like spoiled inconsiderate kids. You don't need those in your life. The fact they pout and you give in shows them that your no means yes. Do not do this again to yourself. It's definitely a red flag and you should RUN. Don't give in anymore. Don't betray your boundaries to please someone else and then hate yourself for it. Instead, choose yourself. Have some standards. Learn to walk away from what doesn't align with what you want. 

Serious men would not talk about sex on the first dates. They're focused instead on getting to know you and hanging out with you. Steer clear from any men who behave otherwise.

Why have you only been with such men? Where do you connect with them? On dating apps?

Both dating apps and through mutual interest.

All these men expressed that they were interested in something more than just “casual”.

Also when I left them, some told me they felt “used”. Which I find weird, since they were the ones pushing for sex.

All men I meet are like this :(( all men rush to have sex right away 

Do decent men even exist?

[Daisy Brown]

38 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Only do what you want when you want. If they try to hustle you into bed and it's not what you want, end it. If you are up for casual hookups, that's fine too, but decide who, what, where and when is right for you.

Are you using free or hookup apps?

Both on dating apps but I also meet these men in real life, through hobbies

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Daisy Brown said:

all men rush to have sex right away 

Do decent men even exist?

 Sex doesn't happen unless it's mutually desirable. No one in mutually agreed upon sex is being "used". If they  are "all like this", then you need to revise your screening and dating criteria. Cut your losses sooner if they seem like horndogs to you and take your time going on dates getting to know one another before you agree to sex.

[Lambert]

1 hour ago, Daisy Brown said:

Do these men want to sleep with me so quickly because of my qualities or do men just want to sleep with every woman they meet right away?

They just want sex. It probably has nothing to do with you, specifically. They might be attracted but it's about them and their needs.

1 hour ago, Daisy Brown said:

They respect a no by saying ok, but they keep pressuring / hinting. Is this okay? Or should I consider it a red flag? Am I just unlucky and only bumping into douchebags or are all men like this/ is this normal?

It's not ok. Yes it's a flag. It probably normal. The thing us, if they pressure you, YOU should make the decision to stop seeing them. They are showing you what they are about. You're ignoring the red flag and wasting your time.

 

1 hour ago, Daisy Brown said:

Why do I lose interest and break it off with men fairly quickly after spending the night together? Can it be because I gave in to the pressure and on the inside I wasn’t ready, despite convincing myself I am? Or some other reason?

Because you feel disrespected. How can a relationship like this,  based on sex, their needs first, your feelings put aside (by you) make you happy? It can't.  

Be more selective with your tone and person.  Guys like this are a dine a dozen, that's why you run into so many. Raise your standards, cut them off and better will come along. 

[Seraphim]

Walk away when the pressure starts. 

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Daisy Brown said:

Do decent men even exist?

Yep. Plenty. Just like you are serious, many men are looking for a serious, loyal and loving relationship.

Maybe your picker is off and you need go for different types of men and steer clear from any men who resemble that previous batch.

As Lambert also suggested:

25 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Be more selective with your tone and person.  Guys like this are a dine a dozen, that's why you run into so many. Raise your standards, cut them off and better will come along

And don't go dating with a mentality of lack (no good men are out there). Instead, go in knowing that you are enough in and on your own, and you're only looking for someone to add to your life. Dating is marathon... So take your time, be picky and stick to your standards. 

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Daisy Brown said:

1. Im considered an attractive woman (by social standards) and I like to think that I treat people nicely too. Do these men want to sleep with me so quickly because of my qualities or do men just want to sleep with every woman they meet right away?

 

You are an attractive woman. Are you that surprised lots of guys want to sleep with you?

2 hours ago, Daisy Brown said:

2. They respect a no by saying ok, but they keep pressuring / hinting. Is this okay? Or should I consider it a red flag? Am I just unlucky and only bumping into douchebags or are all men like this/ is this normal?

 

Yes, they want sex. Again, you are an attractive woman, there is going to be a pile of guys only wanting one thing.

2 hours ago, Daisy Brown said:

3. Why do I lose interest and break it off with men fairly quickly after spending the night together? Can it be because I gave in to the pressure and on the inside I wasn’t ready, despite convincing myself I am? Or some other reason?

 

Because you feel that they dont respect you besides wanting to sleep with you. Which is quite a fair assesment in most of those cases where they demand sex from you.

There is an interesting book and a movie "Think Like a Man". Steve Harvey wrote book and they made a movie about it. Anyway in it one of the characters(played by very hot Meagan Good), applies "90- Day rule" he has for a women with the problem you have. No sex for first 90 days. Hardly any guy that just wants sex would wait for that much and in a meantime you can "weed out" those who are genuine about you from those who are not. I suggest you read a bit about it. Maybe it helps you through your dating life.

[reinventmyself]

The respect starts with you.   If it the issue of sex comes up before I am ready, I let them know that I am not inclined to have sex with someone until I get to know them and if I think there might be some potential for something more.  It comes from a place of confidence and self respect.  If they push it, they aren't the guy for me.

If a guy is really interested in you, he'll wait until you are ready (within reason of course. . meaning he won't wait forever)  

 

[JoyfulCompany]

1. Certain men try to push for sex too early. Nothing to do with you personally. I find it strange that you're asking that. Did some of them tried to justify it with "you said no but I can't help it, you're so hot"? A "no" is a "no", it's not a "no, BUT". It's not flattering to you as a woman if they insist, it's disrespecting you as a human being.

2. Not okay. It's a boundary and boundaries should be respected. You can get in dire situations if you let people who continuously push your boundaries close in your life.

3. You lose interest because: a. you are going against yourself by agreeing to have sex under pressure (so possible resentment and disappointment), b. because you lack emotional connection to the person (takes more than two dates) and c. a person who pushes your boundaries can't be a reliable partner and you know that.

And, yes, there are decent men, of course.

[Tinydance]

Well my number one advice would be not to sleep with those guys so fast if you don't actually want to. If it ends up that you feel resentful of them and end it with them anyway, then isn't it better to end with them straight away?

I think there could be a number of factors why these guys push you for sex. A few of my male friends told me that on online dating apps it's very hard to get matches and replies, let alone dates. From what I've heard it's pretty difficult for guys on dating apps. If you're an attractive woman maybe they feel like they really hit the jackpot to get dates with you and they want to "seal the deal". I'm not saying it's OK to push you for sex but they probably really want to score with a hot woman lol Maybe some of them do want to keep dating you but you said you felt angry at the situation so you actually ended with them yourself.

The other thing is that on online dating I think yeah a lot of guys are looking for sex. I often found the same thing but I did also find guys who wanted a relationship. I think probably don't waste your time on guys who start pressuring you for sex and just cut it off a lot faster. Keep dating more guys and the ones that don't push you, you can keep giving them a chance (if you're interested).

[Daisy Brown]

11 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well my number one advice would be not to sleep with those guys so fast if you don't actually want to. If it ends up that you feel resentful of them and end it with them anyway, then isn't it better to end with them straight away?

I think there could be a number of factors why these guys push you for sex. A few of my male friends told me that on online dating apps it's very hard to get matches and replies, let alone dates. From what I've heard it's pretty difficult for guys on dating apps. If you're an attractive woman maybe they feel like they really hit the jackpot to get dates with you and they want to "seal the deal". I'm not saying it's OK to push you for sex but they probably really want to score with a hot woman lol Maybe some of them do want to keep dating you but you said you felt angry at the situation so you actually ended with them yourself.

The other thing is that on online dating I think yeah a lot of guys are looking for sex. I often found the same thing but I did also find guys who wanted a relationship. I think probably don't waste your time on guys who start pressuring you for sex and just cut it off a lot faster. Keep dating more guys and the ones that don't push you, you can keep giving them a chance (if you're interested).

Thanks! Yes, that’s helpful :)) set boundaries and enforce them

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Daisy Brown said:

Both dating apps and through mutual interest.

All these men expressed that they were interested in something more than just “casual”.

Also when I left them, some told me they felt “used”. Which I find weird, since they were the ones pushing for sex.

All men I meet are like this :(( all men rush to have sex right away 

Do decent men even exist?

Yes just like decent women exist. I know of a couple of women who insist on sex early on as it's their way (not mine!!) of testing for sexual compatibility.  I met men who pushed for sex early on.  I typically waited months until we were exclusive, in love, with strong potential for marriage. I made one exception -after 2 months -and I always regretted that decision.

The men who mentioned sex a lot early on or pressured -bye bye! I met many many men who treated me with respect and like a lady.  Many men with high sex drives who only wanted to have sex with the same values I had and wanted to wait till we were both comfortable.  I also was sexual -without having intercourse-earlier than the time we had sex.  But not early on and not unless there was potential for something serious.  

Please don't let yourself get bitter or cynical -which will happen if you keep choosing to have sex because you feel pressured. It's not fair to yourself or fair to accuse men in general of rarely being "decent."  It's just not true.

[HeartGoesOn]

4 hours ago, Daisy Brown said:

All these men expressed that they were interested in something more than just “casual”.

I'd tell them you have the same goal, but after time and getting to know each other along with deciding if you're compatible, you'll be ready to discuss it.

He'll either sink or swim, yet there's your answer.

[Cherylyn]

My husband and I are unusual and rare because there was no sex prior to marriage. 

If you don't want to feel pressured into having sex, perhaps date men who share your same standards  which stems from their backgrounds, how they were raised, their beliefs and values. 

Granted, not all men are the same despite their backgrounds religious or not but perhaps you need to weed out men who are so eager to jump in the sack with you. 

Whittle down your categories.  Shop around some more.  Afford to become very picky and choosy. 

 

[SooSad33]

7 hours ago, Daisy Brown said:

Do these men want to sleep with me so quickly because of my qualities or do men just want to sleep with every woman they meet right away?

Yup, that's what they do... one track mind 😉 

 

7 hours ago, Daisy Brown said:

3. Why do I lose interest and break it off with men fairly quickly after spending the night together? Can it be because I gave in to the pressure and on the inside I wasn’t ready, despite convincing myself I am? Or some other reason?

I think only you can answer this.  Maybe you just have no real interest in that guy.... like you say, you've dated a few.

One should never feel pressured into doing it.  IF you do, then walk away from that one. Don't just keep giving in, learn self respect.  And do be careful.  Sounds like you're 'touring' 😉 ... and if you are okay with this for now, remember STI's can happen.. and I hope one/both are being smart with birth control.

 

[catfeeder]

9 hours ago, Daisy Brown said:

All these men expressed that they were interested in something more than just “casual”.

Of course they did. The best ways to score a short fling is to pretend that you're seeking a long term relationship.

You have the power to nix those guys as soon as they show you the truth about them.

While the goal of screening might be to hear the right answers, everyone knows that. So the goal of dating is to learn whether a potential partner walks his talk.

That's where you seem to be derailing. Instead of 'nexting' the pressure guys, you're conforming to what they want. Skip that.

It seems like it's 'every' guy because you're wasting too much time on them instead of moving them out of your way. Go find the RIGHT GUY, instead

The right guy is a needle in a haystack, so don't allow all the bad matches to hold you up. Move them out of your way!

 

 

[Batya33]

Just to add -I think decent men and women have casual sex.  I don't think it's decent behavior to pressure someone into having sex.

[jul-els]

Finding someone you’re truly compatible with isn’t easy. But while you’re doing so make sure to be firm in your boundaries and what you’re looking for in a potential mate.
 

If someone is pressuring you for sex, then I’m guessing that falls outside of the things you’re looking for, so that lets you know right away to move on. 
 

There’s nothing to feel guilty about in not settling for less than you deserve. 

[smackie9]

I agree the ones that push for it are not the one for you. The reason why you dump them is because you never really had a chance to build a connection. Date those who treat you the way you expect to be treated. 

[tattoobunnie]

On 9/27/2022 at 7:48 AM, Daisy Brown said:

all of them have wanted sex extremely fast (ranging from first to second time seeing each other) And when I tell them I want to wait, they keep pressuring / hinting / trying to / talking about it.

If a man keeps pressuring you to sleep with them, it's a giant red flag that your comfort, or need to feel safe and loved are not a priority to them.  If they are pressuring you period, don't go out with them.  Just say, "it's not working out."  Don't keep going out with them.  The reason why you dump them is because you know they aren't quality guys who wanted to learn more about you and for you to learn more about them first.  They only think with their pants, and you know they do this with every woman, and are a dime a dozen.

[lostandhurt]

How old are you and these men?  What do you mean by pressure? Like force ably aggressive? or come on strong verbally or just try to go to far?

Simply put yes men want to have sex with you.  That isn't a bad thing is it?  You wouldn't want to date a guy that didn't want to have sex with you would you?  Guys are simple creatures and at times when there is a beautiful woman in front of us we can be as stupid as a rock but that doesn't mean you should not be treated with respect.  From what you described these men are like kids in the back seat on the way to someplace. "are we there yet?"  Next date or two later the guy is thinking "are we there yet?" so he tries again. I can see how you would feel pressured. 

When you tell them no and they say okay do you elaborate? "I want to wait until I am in a proper relationship or I want to get to know you way better before we are intimate"  For some of these men when you say no at the end of that date he may think okay, no this time but maybe next time without any more information so he tries again and then again.  See my point?  Remember guys are pretty simple minded when it comes to this stuff. 

You should never do anything you don't want to do and if you have to be convinced or talked into having sex then you should end the evening and go home.

 There are many guys out there that will wait because they want more than just sex but those same exact guys will have sex with you on the second date if it feels right to both  of you.  This doesn't mean he is a jerk or wouldn't be an awesome person to be in a long term relationship with, it just means he is okay either way.   Guys view intimacy differently so understanding that does help when you are in those situations. I can also see how some of them felt used when you dumped them right after having sex with them.  If the roles were reversed how would you feel even if you initiated the intimacy?

Lost

[Daisy Brown]

19 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

How old are you and these men?  What do you mean by pressure? Like force ably aggressive? or come on strong verbally or just try to go to far?

Simply put yes men want to have sex with you.  That isn't a bad thing is it?  You wouldn't want to date a guy that didn't want to have sex with you would you?  Guys are simple creatures and at times when there is a beautiful woman in front of us we can be as stupid as a rock but that doesn't mean you should not be treated with respect.  From what you described these men are like kids in the back seat on the way to someplace. "are we there yet?"  Next date or two later the guy is thinking "are we there yet?" so he tries again. I can see how you would feel pressured. 

When you tell them no and they say okay do you elaborate? "I want to wait until I am in a proper relationship or I want to get to know you way better before we are intimate"  For some of these men when you say no at the end of that date he may think okay, no this time but maybe next time without any more information so he tries again and then again.  See my point?  Remember guys are pretty simple minded when it comes to this stuff. 

You should never do anything you don't want to do and if you have to be convinced or talked into having sex then you should end the evening and go home.

 There are many guys out there that will wait because they want more than just sex but those same exact guys will have sex with you on the second date if it feels right to both  of you.  This doesn't mean he is a jerk or wouldn't be an awesome person to be in a long term relationship with, it just means he is okay either way.   Guys view intimacy differently so understanding that does help when you are in those situations. I can also see how some of them felt used when you dumped them right after having sex with them.  If the roles were reversed how would you feel even if you initiated the intimacy?

Lost

Thank you! That was helpful. 
To answer your questions: I’m in my twenties, same for those guys (usually 23-30)

And they don’t force aggressively, all of them are different. But some just mention it all the time / ask all the time. Others try to be touchy feely / pushy.