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He didn't ask if I made it home safely. Let him fade out or bring it up?


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Hello all.

I had a first date /dinner with a guy over the weekend. Although I was a bit late, everything was great during the date, i.e. conversation and all...even conversation leading up to the date. My concern though is that he did not ask if i made it home safely. When I thanked him for the nice evening, he was responsive and kind and asked what I was doing. He called the next day generally asking how I was doing, but he never asked "did you make it home safely?" I do remember him also hinting at seeing my place, but I playfully teased and said perhaps sooner or later if all goes well. Weird fact, we live in the same condo building( we have different layouts), but have never been inside of each other's place before...

I've never had a guy not ask if I made it home safely and it makes me concerned about continuing to deal with this guy. Weird thing is during conversation at dinner, he mentioned that he likes to lead in relationships and so far he had done well in terms of planning this date. We were supposed to go out a few weeks ago, but I got sick and told him I'd love to reschedule so he did.

Right now though I want to communicate the fact that him not asking if i made it home safely bothered me a great deal, because it did. Because I've been working this week I hadn't had time to really process how I was feeling. Plus I wanted to give him time to see if he would mention anything about it... He hasn't.

So I'd love feedback and opinions around whether to call or will a short text suffice mentioning how I felt about that missing detail. And, should I bring it up later if we happen to discuss seeing each other again. Otherwise, I am feeling annoyed and don't want to keep seeing him with this feeling I have (annoyed, bothered, kind of upset, disappointed, etc.) I feel like if he sincerely liked me he would've instinctively asked if i made it home safe... again, even though we live very close and he asked if I wanted to ride with him , I told him thanks but I would drive and meet him at the destination...(because I don't know him that well yet).

Thanks so much for any feedback.

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15 minutes ago, poorlittlefish said:

You literally live in the same building 

This I find curious as well. That she thinks he has to ask how she got home when they literally live in the same building. Its the equivalent of the question of “How did you ride the elevator” or “How did you walk down/up the stairs” because she literally had to do those things to get to her home. Its not like she had to drive or walk through dangerous area or something. She literally just had to pass few floors to her appartment lol

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The last time I was in the dating scene I had a 4th date and took the commuter train home from his area. I didn’t have a cell phone. He left me a message to make sure I made it home safely. And he never asked me out again (or maybe an email - yes I did respond promptly in some way to tell him yes and likely I said or wrote thanks again ). So yes he did the obligatory thing. And no he wasn’t interested in seeing me again (a few years later I I figured out why given his situation ). Anyway I wouldn’t hold this against him since he called right away. And if it’s so dicey where you live why didn’t you ask him if he made it home safely ?

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if it really bothered you and you've never had a date not ask, then kick him to the curb.

I can't imagine it going well if you bring it up.  I think it would come across badly. What's he supposed to do always ask you if you got home safe? 

It rather loses its authenticity when he is obligated to ask. 

Is it nice to be asked? I guess if there is some reason you would not arrive safely (bad weather. new area.etc)

But it's a lot to expect of someone new in your life.  You've made it this far in life without the guy and considering you live in the same area, how could you not make it to your door? 

Sounds like you're not interested and looking for an out...  you don't need an out.  You can decide to not see a person for any reason. It's your choice.

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You live in the same building.  He had proof that you were fine because you two were interacting.  

IMO there was no reason for him to ask.  He probably assumed you were fine because you are an adult who is capable of taking care of herself & doesn't need another parent. 

IMO the fact that bothers you is odd but since it does, tell him that is why you don't want to see him again.  Give him that courtesy so he doesn't think he did something objectively wrong. He did something subjectively wrong by your standards.   Once he learns that this was your expectation he won't feel bad about you self-selecting out of his life.  He will understand he dodged a bullet.  

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12 hours ago, surferchic said:

When I thanked him for the nice evening, he was responsive and kind and asked what I was doing.

Right. So even though you were thanking him, if he didn't ask specifically, you might never have told him, "but I got mugged on the way home..."?

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2 hours ago, Lambert said:

I can't imagine it going well if you bring it up.  I think it would come across badly. What's he supposed to do always ask you if you got home safe? 

It rather loses its authenticity when he is obligated to ask. 

This^.  

Early stages, if you don't like a particular behavior, simply wish him well and walk.  Not a match.

That said, what's interesting is that after I read the initial post, I did an internet search and I was really surprised at how many women feel the way @surferchicdoes!  Not just from one or two sources but many.  

The responses varied and there were even some men who advised women that if a man doesn't ask, he's not interested and that interested men ask.  Again I was really surprised by that!

As for me, I have never had a man ask me that specific question.  I have had men ask me to text when I arrived home and it was late, but never the following day after it became obvious I made it home safely.   

I am not even sure I would want him to ask in that instance.  Seems contrived, as others said, some sort of obligatory gesture to prove he's a "nice" guy or something.

In some cases (certainly not all), when a man does that, he's actually not a nice guy, or even that interested.  He's simply "going through the motions," and for me personally THAT would be a turn off.

Lastly, as @Lambert posted, if you're not attracted to him, or don't like him for one reason or another or for NO reason, sometimes people just don't click, you don't need to create a reason.

After only a few dates, it's perfectly OKAY to just next him. 

How do you feel now after reading the responses?   Have you decided whether or not you want to go out with him again?

 

 

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16 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

... as @Lambert posted, if you're not attracted to him, or don't like him for one reason or another or for NO reason, sometimes people just don't click, you don't need to create a reason.

This ^^ is a valuable point to punch. Consider whether this concern adds a turd to an otherwise fabulous punch bowl, or whether you simply don't feel the right connection with the guy yet you believe that you must raise a 'good enough' reason for that.

As the great women above point out, you aren't required to have a concrete reason for not clicking with anyone. Follow your gut, and you don't 'owe' anyone any explanations for that. "...Just doesn't work for me..." is a perfectly valid reason to exit from dating anyone you don't want to date.

Head high.

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Don't create unnecessary drama.  It was only a first date.  If both of you continue dating and the relationship becomes closer after you get to know each other better,  perhaps that is the time when you can broach the subject regarding that you would appreciate if he were to text or call and ask if you arrived home safely.  Until then,  cut him some slack and go easy on him.  Not everyone thinks of all minutiae so early in the dating phase. 

It's also wise not to drive together nor visit each other's condos until you build trust.  He's still a stranger in many ways. 

Not that it happens all the time but there is such a thing called date rape.  Or, putting something in your drink or food and then rape.  Not that this will happen but you can't prove it after it happens which is the problem.  ☹️

 

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2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

That said, what's interesting is that after I read the initial post, I did an internet search and I was really surprised at how many women feel the way @surferchicdoes!  Not just from one or two sources but many.  

 

xD

I just thought that its one of those generic questions. For example, as I mentioned, yes there are chances something would happen on the way home. But what are the chances when most either gets taken home by dates or just takes their own car or a taxi(or an Uber these days)? Its just asked as something to ask because its implied that you are home safe.

Its the same with "I had a nice time". Every woman I ever dated said that after the date. No, I am not delusional to think all of them were having a blast. But its just something you say after the date.

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1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

xD

I just thought that its one of those generic questions. For example, as I mentioned, yes there are chances something would happen on the way home. But what are the chances when most either gets taken home by dates or just takes their own car or a taxi(or an Uber these days)? Its just asked as something to ask because its implied that you are home safe.

Its the same with "I had a nice time". Every woman I ever dated said that after the date. No, I am not delusional to think all of them were having a blast. But its just something you say after the date.

I agree but yet there are some women (like the OP) who read way too much into it and if a man doesn't ask, it's a dealbreaker!  Seems extreme imo.

As I said, I have never been asked that specific question, I mean hello isn't it obvious I made it home okay and safe since we're speaking at that moment?   I don't even get the question tbh.  

Again I have had men ask me to text them when I arrive home which is also one of those generic questions.  But it makes more sense especially if it's late and a long drive home.  I don't need them to ask though, it's not a dealbreaker if/when they don't. 

If the date went well and we really clicked, he will usually text me anyway once I arrive home!! 😂  To say he had a great time and to continue the great night.

Reminds me of a book many years ago called "He's Just Not That Into You" (I think that was the name) where the authors (both male) gave a long list of things a man 'should' do to prove his interest (like asking a woman out on a Wednesday for a Saturday night date or buying her a romantic gift for her birthday) and if he doesn't do such things he's just not that into you. Next.

I wouldn't be surprised if one of things listed in the book was "if he doesn't ask if you got home safe" he's just not that into you.  LOL 

To me it's silly, but heck some women really fall for that stuff; I have a good friend whom I met on another forum who's like this.  She has her list of things a man should do (early in) and if a man doesn't comply, he's OUT!

She's a great woman and good friend but she has her standards and I actually respect those standards even though I don't share them.

Anyway to @surferchic I have always thought flexibility and having an open mind were beneficial when dating, but of course you do you and good luck whatever you decide.

 

 

 

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If you believe it is a serious issue and want to bring it up, then bring it up. That goes for just about any issue you might have. Potential relationships need honesty. Both sides need to know exactly who they are dealing with and what would be expected of them. If you are going to carry certain expectations of him like this, then he needs to know. Not saying anything will just leave you feeling hurt every time you doesn't meet a standard he isn't even aware he has to meet. And saying it to him gives him the chance to decide if this is something he wants to deal with as well.

Having said that, the only time anyone has been concerned about me making it home safely is when I've take a flight on an airplane and I'm going across the country. I've not had to say it to anyone either. Clearly if we are communicating, we made it safely. Instead I prefer to focus on how the person is feeling and rather they are emotionally okay. If he is showing you compassion and concern in general, is really interested in what you have to say and seeing you, then I don't think not saying one line should be a dealbreaker.

Sometimes I think people are trying to find things wrong and reasons to end things because its easier then facing everything that comes with a potential relationship.

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I was very turned off by a man who wanted me to meet him on a Manhattan street corner at night to then choose where to go to dinner -he'd had over a week to plan the date. I told him I did not feel comfortable waiting for him on a street corner at night so he then chose a restaurant and mocked me about my declining to meet him on a street corner.  Next.

By contrast my friend is married to a man who on the first or second date didn't walk her to her car at night in the restaurant parking lot even though there were ice patches and it was dark out.  She didn't like it -but kept dating him.

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I actually prefer a date who checks in to see that I arrived home safely. It shows consideration and care for me as a human being and as a general curtesy and some of that good ol fashion manner. Conversely, though, I also ask that they arrived home safely. I don’t think I’ve been on a date where that hasn’t been asked and it is an etiquette I quite like. It would feel a little unnatural not to ask and be asked that, and I’d definitely notice if it wasn’t asked.

However, I’d hardly consider it a red flag if it weren’t asked and I’d not hold it against a date to be a reflection of his poor character and an indicator that he is a bad person and so I should stay away. I would, though, consider perhaps it shows a lack of interest on his part. But, a disclaimer - I come from Australia and there is a lot of space between each place and so it is quite important to ask if one arrived home safely.

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14 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

I actually prefer a date who checks in to see that I arrived home safely. It shows consideration and care for me as a general curtesy and some of that good ol fashion manner.

Hmmm, when worded this^ way, it does sound quite thoughtful and courteous.

I read the OP's initial post differently but it's possible I misinterpreted. 

 

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50 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Hmmm, when worded this^ way, it does sound quite thoughtful and courteous.

I read the OP's initial post differently but it's possible I misinterpreted. 

 

It’s very common to ask such a thing here in Aus. Actually, even more common is to say, ‘let me know when you get home.’ We’ll say it to the kids, to family, friends, dates, etc. as we are genuinely concerned for people’ welfare. Very unlikely anything bad will happen, but it is a common courtesy born from genuine care about another person regardless of the relationship with/to them; you’d say it to acquaintances in the middle of the day if you’d just parted with them and they had a ways to travel and the context made it appropriate to ask.

As for my date - being asked just shows consideration for me as a human being. It isn’t asked as a nicety, a formality. Having said that, if we lived in the same building - as is OPs case - and we were communicating after the date and it was very evident they got home okay, then asking is just an empty formality and I’d not feel put out, in that scenario, if it wasn’t asked. 

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23 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

Actually, even more common is to say, ‘let me know when you get home.’

^Yes exactly and it's what I have experienced (and still do).  A man asking me to text when I arrive home, especially when it's a long drive and late at night (I live in the U.S.).  I find it thoughtful and courteous, and there have been times when I have done the same if HE has a long drive home and it's late...

Again, I read the OP's post differently.  I interpreted it to mean that the next time they spoke, perhaps the following day or the day after that, when it was obvious she made it home safely, she expected him to ask "did you make it home safely"? 

And because he didn't, she wasn't sure if she wanted to date him anymore.

Being honest, if I really liked the guy and he asked the question after the fact, I would consider it thoughtful and courteous, same as if he had asked me to text him when I arrived home.  If I didn't like him, I would probably find it contrived.

In any event, I try to not focus so much of those type of niceties and gestures and instead focus on how well we interact and get on while on the date.  And how thoughtful and attentive he is towards me generally.

But the OP is not me and if she chooses to next him because he didn't ask, that's certainly her prerogative.  

 

 

 

 

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22 hours ago, surferchic said:

I do remember him also hinting at seeing my place, but I playfully teased and said perhaps sooner or later if all goes well.

If that is your visceral reaction then have at it.

You are you and you have your reasons.

Maybe he got a wicked wedgie on the drive home and didn't want to talk. Maybe he didn't want to appear over eager after hinting initially that he wants to "see your place." Maybe he doesn't care. Clearly you are not going to find out sitting and fuming. 

My personal thoughts? The hinting at seeing your place....okay that is a physical relationship move in my mind no more no less. Him simply not asking or saying anything about your not being killed on the way home....casual.  

So maybe you can shed this annoyance and stop fretting. Go ahead and ask him. Maybe he is an unsophisticated socially clueless young male twit or zich praying mantis. Or more pleasantly he will mention it and you can be honest and tell him.

Stressing over why he didn't care might be pushing it, if you want to do it, do it... just my thoughts. 

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