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I feel like I am going crazy after ending contact to former friendgroup


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I was friends with the same group of people for almost 10 years (we know each other from school). The past 5 years of those were absolutely awful for me. My theory (and that of my therapist) is, that we naturally kept drifting apart and I felt frustrated for not being able to stop it despite my best efforts and also scared of not finding any new friends again.

After a recent fight I finally found the strength to tell the group that I didn't feel comfortable with them anymore and didn't see a future in the friendship. We had one final talk which went absolutely awful. We agreed on both sides that our communication wasn't the best, but just fought the rest of the time. I said some really awful things during that conversation, but I did apologize soon after. They also said some really awful things and did not apologize. It also seemed to me like they put most of the blame on me, which I didn't think was fair.

And now I don't know how to feel. We were basically like siblings and now I found out that they think really badly about me, judge me for my past, my behavior and my choices. Especially since all 5 of them agreed on the same things, I felt like I have been lying to myself for years. The only people that "agree" with me and think that I did the right thing by ending things (even if the execution wasn't good) are my therapist and my boyfriend. Who both more or less have to agree with me I guess...I feel like I am losing my mind.

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Any type of long relationship that ends, whether platonic or romantic, will take you some time to mourn before you heal and move on. 

A skilled professional and one of the people who love you the most, your bf agree with your decision, so feel good about the decision and embrace it, even though it's been a difficult process. 

My advice is to not be so desperate for new friends that you try to be speed racer in assuming you will form instant friendships and to cling too tightly to anybody new you gel with. That will scare them away. 

Think of it as a marathon where it takes time and effort to see who makes an equal effort and let things happen organically. Also, don't put all your eggs in one basket and think when you make one friend, that's all you need. You can also start a hobby to enjoy others company while in the group, without having to necessarily meet one on one.

There are plenty of former friends I had when I was a teen that I would have zero interest in being friends with them as an adult. It's normal to drift away with some people, so don't think it's abnormal and a negative thing that that happens.

Do you ever double date with your boyfriends' couple friends. Does he have group friends? That can be a good way to meet new people. You two could also take up a couple's hobby like taking dance lessons. That's also a good way to meet others to hang out with. Good luck.

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I'm sorry you're going through this @stelalala.  Even though my story is not the same as yours,  there are parallels and I can relate.  The sentiment is the same.  I know it feels awful.  Been there myself. ☹️

After ruminating for a while,  I've come to the conclusion that friendships end for a reason.  The reasons are personality and character incompatibility.  You can't force friendships when people don't think,  write nor speak alike.  It's as if you're not on the same page with them.  It's like oil and water and the two can't and won't mix ~ ever.

Friends from 5 to 10 years ago are not the same carefree,  sweet,  innocent friends anymore.  Life changes people.  I've noticed that if life is kind to people,  they tend to be easier to get along with and generous with their heart.  Then on the flip side,  if life was unfair to them due to poor health,  financial struggle,  job stresses,  unemployment worries,  relationship problems,  loneliness,  family or marriage woes or for any reason,  people become bitter,  harsh and their inner turmoil reflects their ire towards others. 😡 It could be indirect or direct and if you're available as their punching bag,  you're vulnerable to their attacks.

Even though you apologized later and they never apologized,  it is the norm.  Both parties cannot take back what was said despite your apology and their refusal to apologize.  They most likely are in denial mode and typically would gaslight you into being the scapegoat.

Failing friendships are a blessing in disguise.  It wasn't meant to be nor endure.  It had run its course.  It's better to be alone than feel lonely and miserable with the wrong people in your life.  It's better to fracture and depart the friendship than tolerate and accept a stressful and tense dynamic. 

Having your therapist and boyfriend as your allies is actually a win for you.  You have those who empathize and support you which is priceless. 

This may surprise you but a lot of cruel people are very lonely souls.  They are deeply insecure. 

Embrace those who rally around you and carve out a new life for yourself.  This is your chance to gain wisdom and become more picky and choosy regarding who deserves to be in your friendship circle and who disqualifies from associating with you.

Like you,  I too have nostalgic memories of good times with some friendships which went awry.  However,  once you catch a whiff of the type of meanness a person is capable of,  this is your warning and signal to bail.  It's like dodging a bullet.  You've fled and escaped a worsening scenario. 

At this point,  I actually feel lucky to the point of giddy.  It's like receiving a free "get out of jail" card.  I suggest you run with it and take advantage of newfound freedom. 

Bad friends who release you from their grip is considered a priceless freedom gift.  Instead of putting up with their ________ ,  suddenly you'll have more time to enjoy life and be with those who know the definition of integrity and treating you with dignity.  🙂 

Instead of having time,  energy and brain space to go crazy from exiting your former friendship group,  get busy.  Be productive and industrious with whatever endeavors you can think of.  Limit screen time.  Take care of your health.  Exercise,  eat smart,  watch movies,  read books,  work hard,  make your home life decluttered,  organized and clean.  After all that,  you'll be too fatigued to care about anyone else.  it's what I do and before you know it,  time whizzes by and your ex-friends become a blur. 

Be autonomous and you will attract strong, smart, empathetic people. You and your friends were mismatched.  Don't be with dirty mouthed people.  Be with people and new friends who know how to behave honorably.  You will be fine.  Have faith.

 

 

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7 hours ago, stelalala said:

The past 5 years of those were absolutely awful for me.

This tells you all you really need to know.

7 hours ago, stelalala said:

...all 5 of them agreed on the same things,

Did you have various degrees of private interaction with each of these people 1-on-1 over the years, and had you attempted to deal with them as individuals regarding this particular conflict? If so, how did that play out? 

A 1 against 5 confrontation wasn't bound to go well for you. You took them all on as one block, which positioned you against a group-think situation that offered you no wiggle room to keep any given one of these people as an individual friend, separate from the rest.

While that kind of address-book clearing is quite the load of grief to manage all at once, maybe such a clean sweep was the best possible way to rid yourself of ALL the toxicity that could have bled through keeping any given one of these people in your life?

We can't really know, because you're speaking in generalities. However, your therapist and BF know you well enough to have considered all aspects of the strife you've suffered with each of these people, and both are invested in your welfare and best interests.

My heart goes out to you, and I hope that you will find relief and peace. Please feel free to write more here if it helps. You're the one who has come to us, and we're on your side.

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8 hours ago, stelalala said:

they think really badly about me, judge me for my past, my behavior and my choices.

What are you referring to here?

What is in your past, how did you behave, and what choices did you make? 

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Thank you all very much for your kind words!

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Did you have various degrees of private interaction with each of these people 1-on-1 over the years, and had you attempted to deal with them as individuals regarding this particular conflict? If so, how did that play out? 

Yes, I did try that with moderate success. One person for example was really empathic and tried to make a change, but even though they tried to make me more comfortable, I just didn't feel a connection anymore. Others felt really insulted by my requests and said that I was asking for too much, being too sensitive or making a big deal out of nothing. I often understood why they felt like that, but I had learnt some communcation skills from therapy and really tried my best to make my request as clear and respectful as possible without it sounding like an accusation and really did not know what else I could do.

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

A 1 against 5 confrontation wasn't bound to go well for you. You took them all on as one block, which positioned you against a group-think situation that offered you no wiggle room to keep any given one of these people as an individual friend, separate from the rest.

That is exactly what I think too. After the final talk, it was made clear to me that it sounded like everyone made the same mistakes in my eyes, when in reality I had different issues with each and everyone of them individually. But the "funny" thing is, they insisted on speaking as a group even though I had expressed multiple times that I wasn't comfortable with that and I eventually gave in hoping it would make the seperation easier for them.

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

We can't really know, because you're speaking in generalities. However, your therapist and BF know you well enough to have considered all aspects of the strife you've suffered with each of these people, and both are invested in your welfare and best interests.

The thing is, during the conversation I was accused of a lot of awful things. I was open to hearing their side, but I eventually did feel like defending myself and mentioned that especially my therapist supported my decision and did not put all the blame on me. That led to one friend saying "but they are your therapist, they aren't allowed to critize you! You literally pay them to be nice to you". I knew rationally that this wasn't true, or at least a very bad way of saying that my therapist is obviously on my side generally speaking, but this stuck with me and made me question everything.  

42 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

What are you referring to here?

What is in your past, how did you behave, and what choices did you make? 

I know it isn't an excuse but I was a really horrible person in the beginning of our friendship because of many personal issues and trauma. I was jealous, let out my anger and frustration with my friends (when I had a bad day, I insulted them and screamed at them), I constantly made them feel like they were replaceable, like I was better than them, I was absolutely not open for criticism or any kind of feedback, I basically did whatever I wanted without considering their feelings. 

When my situation changed and I finally started therapy, I apologized for everything and made a constant effort to be a better friend. The feedback I got was positive, I had successfully become more self-aware and kind. I was often scared that they secretly didn't forgive me but they insisted that everything was now good between us and that I really had become a great friend to have around. I even brought up specific instances and asked if they really gotten over that, and they often said "oh I don't even remember what you said back then, it's in the past now, whatever...".

But during the final talk they expressed that they did in fact were not okay and just kept pretending to have forgiven me so that I wouldn't cause a scene. I was so embarrassed and ashamed in that moment, because while I would definitely have caused a scene 10 years ago that would probably not have happened now as an adult. I understand that they were scared or frustrated but I am mainly bothered by the fact that they lied to me and didn't try to give me another chance. Again, my boyfriend and other less close friends did agree that I had improved as a person and I just think it is unfair that they continued to stay in contact with me and let me believe I had put enough effort in instead of ending the friendship themselves. I try not to blame them for that mistake, but when I asked why it never occured to them to cut me out of their life they just said "we don't just throw people away like you do". And that really saddened me because it is not how I see the situation and I wish they had stood up for themselves more even if it meant hurting me.

 

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8 minutes ago, stelalala said:

 I know it isn't an excuse but I was a really horrible person in the beginning of our friendship because of many personal issues and trauma. I was jealous, let out my anger and frustration with my friends (when I had a bad day, I insulted them and screamed at them), I constantly made them feel like they were replaceable, like I was better than them, I was absolutely not open for criticism or any kind of feedback, I basically did whatever I wanted without considering their feelings.

^ Unfortunately it's exactly behavior like you describe above which most people have difficulty in forgetting.   People can make up and pretend all is well, but they rarely forget the screaming at them, the insults  and the nasty behavior aimed towards them etc. Mud sticks.

 All you can do is learn from all of this and not repeat it.  Are you still going to therapy? 

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3 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

All you can do is learn from all of this and not repeat it.  Are you still going to therapy?

Yes, that is true. I am still in therapy, just less regular than in the beginning. 

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Some friendships sadly drift apart in time. Its not necesseraly anything you did, its just that people change in time. Get different obligations, get preoccupied with jobs and family etc. So its not something you should blame yourself too much. 

I had the same situation when I went for college with old friends. But discovered friends and friend groups change in time. Had new friends in college, roomates, friends from Uni etc. Even after you gain emoloyement, you gain a new ones. Its not something that remains exactly the same through life. So you will gain new friends. Sorry for the fallout with the old ones.

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2 hours ago, stelalala said:

I was a really horrible person in the beginning of our friendship because of many personal issues and trauma. I was jealous, let out my anger and frustration with my friends (when I had a bad day, I insulted them and screamed at them), I constantly made them feel like they were replaceable, like I was better than them, I was absolutely not open for criticism or any kind of feedback, I basically did whatever I wanted without considering their feelings. 

That is not something most people will be able to forgive and forget, as you're seeing. 

You may have made a lot of improvements, which is great. They are not obligated to continue the friendship after this sort of mistreatment, though. Please be minduful of this in future friendships. 

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8 hours ago, stelalala said:

But during the final talk...

I don't understand, what happened that made you decide to nix them?

You recount successful therapy and practices, your friends agreed and said all is forgiven, but what, exactly did they say or do (or NOT say or do) that you considered to be so toxic that you felt a need to meet with them to confront them?

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My sense is there are two sides to the story and you may be making less of your poor treatment of them than they are. They as victims get to react as they wish. Just like you didn’t like being accused of being too sensitive. 

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It seems as if there was, maybe still is, a significant element of "walking on eggshells" involved in being your friend, at least in the context of that group of people.   Perhaps it's for the best for you to leave this behind and hopefully forge friendships that won't have that element at all, for you or for the other people involved.

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Friendships ebb & flow, especially after school.  If some of you were on different paths, especially if some of them have kids, you will drift apart.  All the effort in the world on one side can't change that when the friendship is no longer a priority for the other side. 

It's sad that they were holding on to all this resentment about things that you did before you made improvements in your life.   They should have cut you off at the time but since they didn't they found some value in your friendship.  Then when you healed & tried to make amends, their long simmering resentment could have been addressed them.  Their choice to remain silent & tolerate you is odd indeed but maybe now that things have been severed you will be able to move on to new better friends because you will start those relationships from a healthier place.  

Holding on too tightly instead of letting go & by trying to talk about it didn't work.  Sometimes things simply need to be allowed to drift away because the talking just upsets people.  That is why you are so upset by that "final" discussion.  They said some pretty awful things that should have been addressed years ago but they never did.  Fading away would have preserved some semblance of the friendship -- holiday cards, staying connected on social media -- and maybe reconnecting years later when the resentment finally subsided.  I feel like I got all my college friends back in the last few years now that their kids are grown & out of the house.  

You will find new different people who are your people at this healthier stage of your life.  

 

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18 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I don't understand, what happened that made you decide to nix them?

To keep it short, they more or less treated me the way I used to treat them and I wasn't okay with that anymore. During the conversation it seemed like they felt I deserved their behavior because of my past - which I totally understand but for me the logical conclusion then is that this friendship doesn't have a future.

18 hours ago, catfeeder said:

You recount successful therapy and practices, your friends agreed and said all is forgiven, but what, exactly did they say or do (or NOT say or do) that you considered to be so toxic that you felt a need to meet with them to confront them?

As I said above, there were just many instances where I felt disrespected. When I brought up those specific situations now, they basically said that I deserved their behavior because of my past. I was really ashamed of that realisation which unfortunately turned into anger and I was really hurt that they apparently weren't saying the truth when they expressed earlier that all had been forgiven. If I had known that these issues were still not solved, I would tried harder or distanced myself sooner. But that of course isn't really anyone's fault, just very unlucky.

 

18 hours ago, Batya33 said:

My sense is there are two sides to the story and you may be making less of your poor treatment of them than they are. They as victims get to react as they wish.

That is probably true and I shouldn't judge them for their choices. 

 

17 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Perhaps it's for the best for you to leave this behind and hopefully forge friendships that won't have that element at all, for you or for the other people involved.

I think that would be best, too. I am just regretting very much how it all went down.

 

17 hours ago, TeeDee said:

Their choice to remain silent & tolerate you is odd indeed but maybe now that things have been severed you will be able to move on to new better friends because you will start those relationships from a healthier place.

That is my hope too. I am just afraid of making the same mistakes again... I guess why I was reaching out here is that I feel overwhelmed by my regret but as you wrote, letting go might be the only way here.

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2 hours ago, stelalala said:

 I am just afraid of making the same mistakes again...

That would be very sad and very unfortunate if you don't learn from all of this.  As you can see, it all backfired and ended up being a case of karma - what goes around, comes around ... etc.

Now is the perfect opportunity to start anew, learning from past mistakes and thriving to be a better person and treating new friends well.  Have you considered therapy?  It may be of benefit to you.

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6 hours ago, stelalala said:

I am just afraid of making the same mistakes again...

Of course you'll make 'some' mistakes going forward, we all do. Perfection is an illusion. We are always in a state of fluctuating between mistakes, corrections and over-corrections throughout our whole lives. But your awareness of what NOT to do in your treatment of others has been deliberately attained, and so your course in this regard is likely to bring you far more rewards than occasional mistakes. Plus, you've learned how to correct some mistakes, which can serve as your model for corrections going forward. This can often be a simple willingness to recognize a mistake and say, "I'm sorry for that, I should have ..." You'll probably recognize people saying this often during routine conversations--and it's not a big deal. In fact, it's a natural vulnerability that tends to bond people closer, because nobody is perfect all the time.

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I guess why I was reaching out here is that I feel overwhelmed by my regret but as you wrote, letting go might be the only way here.

Our regrets are only useful to the degree that we can learn from them, as opposed to harming ourselves with them. Confidence comes with the learning, while the opposite is true of self flagellation. Your friends have served a valuable purpose from which you can launch into a new future with new skills. Your paths have diverged, but just as you now own the desire to grow into your best possible self, it might be helpful to credit them each with an ability to do the same over time. You may meet any one or more of them on higher ground someday, where hindsight will be much kinder to each of you.

Congratulations on launching a new course for yourself. Credit yourself with having made significant progress, and don't allow fear to rob you of your potential to enjoy it. Head high, and write more if it helps.

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5 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

Have you considered therapy?

I am still in therapy and I think I might go more regularly again after this. 

 

47 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Head high, and write more if it helps.

I will, thank you very much. 

 

Also thank you to everyone else who participated in this conversation. I feel a bit better now and I am happy that this was such a respectful discussion despite my faults. 

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 6/13/2024 at 4:09 AM, Batya33 said:

Also consider making new friends one on one instead of seeking out groups of friends.  Less risk for drama/weird dynamics.

There are perks to both.  1:1 friends are great to have so I agree.  Group friends are also wonderful for group support and they're very kind either in unity or take you aside for camaraderie and compassion.  It's an advantage to have individual and group friends.  There is no weirdness nor drama if a person is very selective regarding whom they wish to associate with.  It's a great big world out there and it does exist if one is very picky and choosy.  Anyone who has various dynamics in their life is very lucky and fortunate.  🤗

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On 6/12/2024 at 7:53 AM, Batya33 said:

My sense is there are two sides to the story and you may be making less of your poor treatment of them than they are. They as victims get to react as they wish. Just like you didn’t like being accused of being too sensitive. 

Yes,  I agree.  The problem is when both sides cannot and will not discuss issues calmly and maturely with sincere intentions to resolve discord and strife.  Heated,  emotional reactions often end disastrously and with estrangement.  ☹️ 

I agree,  being accused of being too sensitive is classic gaslighting which is an infuriating deal breaker.  It's the same as telling you,  "I'm sorry,  you took it the wrong way."  🤨  It's called mastering the art of deflection. 

There are times when you need to ask yourself:  "Do I really need friends like these?"  "Why do I want to endure this type of senseless angst and stress?"  "Are they worth it?"  "How can I be kind and respectful to myself?" 

Saying awful things,  having introspection,  having feelings of remorse and offering apologies to make amends is the healthy route.  Never apologizing and ignoring offenses is something a person never forgets.  Many times,  that's even worse than the original offense.  Friendships are permanently damaged without remorse and humble apologies.  Or, if halfhearted friendships resume,  it's barely hanging by the threads and trust had been irrevocably broken.  ☹️

I'm sorry you're going through this @stelalala.  Let time heal your old wounds.  This too shall pass.  Take good care of your health.  Often times,  people neglect their physical health which exacerbates their mental decline.  Find joy in your life by pampering yourself,  doing what you enjoy and surround yourself with very moral people.  Nothing else matters. 

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Thank you very much for your kind words. I am unfortunately still not feeling better, so I would like to write some more about what I am going through.

The title of the topic is still accurate. It feels like I have lost my mind. I keep replaying the last conversation in my head, wondering how it would have went if I had said something differently. Some days I am angry, some days I just cry for hours, some days I laugh so hard I barely remember the situation. But I keep going through it over and over again, each time with a different angle.

I know there is no point in ruminating about the past but the guilt and the shame is so powerful. I feel like a failure, like the worst person alive... My therapist encourages me to just accept the situation and try to make the best of the future. But it is all so scary.

I keep wondering if the awful things my friends said are true, if I am really as bad as a person as they said, if my improvements were just my imagniation. I know they are victims too, but I still wish they were a bit more understanding of my side. I did treat them in an awful way. And I apologized many times and tried my best to be a better person. But I haven't even heard a "sorry" so far from them. That just hurts. 

And as stupid as this sounds, the worst part might be that there are now 5 people on this planet who think I am a selfish, immature and hateful person. I am constantly scared of being judged and rejected and now the people who I used to love the most dislike me. And if it wasn't for my boyfriend there would be no one left who had a bit of sympathy for me (except of course the kind souls here...but it's not the same if it's not an actual human being in my life). 

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3 hours ago, stelalala said:

It feels like I have lost my mind. I keep replaying the last conversation in my head, wondering how it would have went if I had said something differently. Some days I am angry, some days I just cry for hours, some days I laugh so hard I barely remember the situation. But I keep going through it over and over again, each time with a different angle.

All part of the healing process. When you experience grief in any form, you go through all of those.

3 hours ago, stelalala said:

And as stupid as this sounds, the worst part might be that there are now 5 people on this planet who think I am a selfish, immature and hateful person. I am constantly scared of being judged and rejected and now the people who I used to love the most dislike me.

Respectfully, but who cares?

Do you know that you are not selfish, immature and hateful? Than who cares what they think? We cant change peoples opinion. We can stop and think if its true and that is a nice property to have. But, its important to  know what we are and what we arent. Same with past. There is no changing of the past. All we can do is to behave better and not do the same mistakes again. You did yours, but by your words, you are far from the monster they describe you to be. Something tells me they are not really Angels either. So, after you manage to accept its over, just move on. There will be lots of friends who accept you and want to hang out with you. Dont focus on those who just dont.

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8 hours ago, stelalala said:

Thank you very much for your kind words. I am unfortunately still not feeling better, so I would like to write some more about what I am going through.

The title of the topic is still accurate. It feels like I have lost my mind. I keep replaying the last conversation in my head, wondering how it would have went if I had said something differently. Some days I am angry, some days I just cry for hours, some days I laugh so hard I barely remember the situation. But I keep going through it over and over again, each time with a different angle.

I know there is no point in ruminating about the past but the guilt and the shame is so powerful. I feel like a failure, like the worst person alive... My therapist encourages me to just accept the situation and try to make the best of the future. But it is all so scary.

I keep wondering if the awful things my friends said are true, if I am really as bad as a person as they said, if my improvements were just my imagniation. I know they are victims too, but I still wish they were a bit more understanding of my side. I did treat them in an awful way. And I apologized many times and tried my best to be a better person. But I haven't even heard a "sorry" so far from them. That just hurts. 

And as stupid as this sounds, the worst part might be that there are now 5 people on this planet who think I am a selfish, immature and hateful person. I am constantly scared of being judged and rejected and now the people who I used to love the most dislike me. And if it wasn't for my boyfriend there would be no one left who had a bit of sympathy for me (except of course the kind souls here...but it's not the same if it's not an actual human being in my life). 

I'm sorry you're experiencing such pain @stelalala.  I can relate and I understand how you feel.

Know that most people on this Earth feel some kind of way whether it's denial,   indifference,  apathy,  guilt,  remorse,  regrets and many people wish in hindsight that they could have a do-over.  Unfortunately,  once anyone lashes out anything whether written or verbal,  it's one and done,  two if you're lucky.  No one on both sides can take back whatever was written or verbally said.  It's a bad sting no one will ever forget.  People never forget how you made them feel.

There are some cases where humble apologies were offered and friendships (or relationships) resumed but unfortunately,  innocence and naivete were lost.  100% trust no longer exists and trust had been irrevocably broken meaning there's always a realistic chance that strife and discord will rear its ugly head again.  Most people are risk adverse and do not wish to gamble with another chance just to get hurt again.  This is human nature. 

Yes,  it hurts greatly when each day passes by,  there will never be an "I'm sorry" type of apology said to you in a million years.  Even though you very much take this offense personally,  if you try not to take it personally, then it might ease the pain a bit. 

Narcissists don't want shame so it's easier to simply keep moving on.  If you were to confront them regarding their shameful behavior,  you'll be met with their rage and gaslighting which are typical responses.  Or,  they'll easily shut you down because they're masters at wicked,  ugly,  nasty retaliation shut downs in any form.  They'll force you to shut up.  It is better to exit toxic friendships.  When you fled,  you actually saved your own skin.  Never place yourself in a harmful,  dangerous situation with shady people who are 'off' and deceitful.  Those types of people are scary with their Jekkyl 'n Hyde personalities.  👿

You should feel glad and relieved that 5 people are no longer in your midst.  The longer you remain out of their lives,  the more bored they will grow with you and they'll no longer have anything to say nor write about you.  This is the beauty of exiting some people's lives.  They can easily move on and I hope you can, too.  As each day passes,  to them,  you become out of sight,  out of mind to your advantage! 👍 🙂

Enjoy being with your boyfriend and in a healthy way,  make him your life.  Granted,  you shouldn't suffocate him but enjoy being with him,  do enjoyable activities together at home or in public,  make life joyous for both of you and it can be little things in life to bring joy.  One of these days you'll meet new friends who know how to be very moral,  conscientious,  kind and good. 

Anyone who has since exited your life didn't deserve to be in your life because they didn't qualify.  They're worldly,  tainted and don't know the meaning of grace and integrity if it hit them on the head.  Anytime you feel sorry for yourself (with all due respect),  practice gratitude meaning you have a good man in you life who loves you which is priceless and you've gotten rid of bad apples.  It's worse to feel lonely with the wrong people in your life.  Consider dumping undesirable ex-friends as a blessing in disguise.  Always look at the silver lining.  🤗

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17 hours ago, stelalala said:

I keep wondering if the awful things my friends said are true, if I am really as bad as a person as they said

Here's the thing though: they probably wondered at one time if you felt the same way about them. You admit you said some terrible things to them, so it would stand to reason that they also once experienced the same thoughts you are having now. 

17 hours ago, stelalala said:

if my improvements were just my imagniation.

I am sure you're not just imagining your improvements. But when we hurt people consistently over a period of time, the damage from that hurt sticks with them. So they might recognize that you have improved, but sitll feel the friendship is no longer viable. Both things can be true.

All you can do is work on letting go, and getting yourself to a better place where you can enjoy healthy friendships with different people. 

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