Help! Confusing situation with a guy

[Thatgirlie]

I spoke to this guy from January until March. We got on really well and spent almost two weeks together when we first started talking. We are both university students and met on a night out. 
 

Whilst things were going well, he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship and things got rocky. We spoke on and off but the situation had changed with us. A close friend of his also created drama by accusing me of talking to him behind the guys back. He chose to side with his friend over me and we stopped talking with him blocking me on instagram. We spent 3 months going on the same uni nights out and seeing each other, with him constantly watching me and staring at me whilst being near me at all costs. 

I’ve not seen him for a while due to that uni night stopping at the end of the term (May). I was on my way home yesterday and got a random notification from someone called “Harry” on instagram with the message saying nah. Harry is his name for context. I couldn’t open it as I was driving but had a gut feeling it was him. When I got home I checked and it was him. He had unblocked me to say nah so I sent a ? as I was confused. 
 

In the evening I went out to celebrate my friends birthday. It happened to be that he was in one of the bars we went too and during that time he had opened my message but chose to not respond. We went out clubbing and saw him and his friends in the club so we went over to say hi to some of them that we like. He stared at me for the remainder of the night but kept his distance. 
 

it was the end of the night and he eventually stopped pretending like I didn’t exist and actually spoke to me and said we was all going to another club that was open together. I agreed and we went, with me and him walking together and talking the whole time. He was being very friendly and flirty and pretended like the whole drama a few months back didn’t matter anymore. He said a few things which took me back as he flirted with me and when we got to the club he asked if I wanted to go home. 
 

I said if you wanna go home you can but why not stay for 5 mins and if you still wanna leave then he can leave (I didn’t want to leave with him). When we got inside the club he gave me a bit of his drink to drink and only gave it to me (another girl tried to take a sip but he rejected her). He stood with me for a while then left to go find his friends. The rest of the night he spent watching me and staring like usual. When we left he watched me outside almost as if he was waiting for me but never said anything. When I got home I went to message him on instagram to ask what the night was all about and for some clarity on the situation but realised he had blocked me again. 
 

What does this situation mean?! What do I do as I still have feelings for him and like him a lot. I still haven’t gotten over him and I don’t understand why he all of a sudden started to talk to me again and then blocked me again at the end of the night. If anyone has any answers please help me out! 
 

 

 

[TeeDee]

It means he's an immature child who doesn't have the balls to ask you out properly.  He's a time waster.  

[Cherylyn]

Anytime a person is confusing and complicated,  it's your signal to avoid a person like this because they'll give you nothing but trouble if not now,  eventually.  Any time a person is "off,"  those are your red warning flags to beware.  Pay attention to your instincts and heed your gut because it's always right.

[smackie9]

No...he's just not that into you. When a guy doesn't text you, it's because he doesn't want to. He just wanted to fade away, go hang with his buddies, move on. It means nothing...he was just being a gentleman in that moment at the end of the night...stop reading into it. His actions of avoiding/blocking you speaks volumes. He wants to be left alone. 

[MissCanuck]

He's probably been on-off with someone else and hit you up when things went sour with her.

And now he's patched things up with her and you're out the door again. 

Whatever the reason, he's wasting your time and it isn't going to go anywhere. Please keep him blocked. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

...he was just being a gentleman in that moment at the end of the night...

I'd say just the opposite. There's nothing gentlemanly about asking you to leave with him, for sex, and when you didn't, he had no more use for you. (If it wasn't strictly for sex, why wouldn't he have just made a 'date' of this and treated you well for the rest of the night?)

He's playing with you, and he's having fun making a fool of you.

I agree with @Cherylyn. If someone dumps you with an accusation that makes no sense, it means he either legitimately doesn't trust you, in which case, why would you want to bother with him, OR, he's setting you up to play cat-n-mouse, which is even worse. And he's doing it with his friend, and they're laughing about it.

Sick people toy with others, and those kinds of games get progressively debasing. The fact that you showed him you still like him after he mistreated you is already a debasement of yourself. Don't keep messing with this guy, because it won't turn out well for you.

This guy believes your ego will enjoy the challenge of trying to turn him, so he'll just keep discarding you again, and again--because you've shown him you'll put up with it after the first time he mistreated you. So now, every time you engage with him, right up until he gets sex with you and dumps you again, he'll be laughing with his sick friend the whole time.

Skip that, and head high.

[TeeDee]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

.he was just being a gentleman in that moment at the end of the night...

If he offered to walk her home for safety reasons that would be a gentlemanly gesture.  I got more the sense of do you wanna get outta here & go fool around / hook up? which is not so gallant.  

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

There's nothing gentlemanly about asking you to leave with him, for sex, and when you didn't, he had no more use for you. (If it wasn't strictly for sex, why wouldn't he have just made a 'date' of this and treated you well for the rest of the night?)

He's playing with you, and he's having fun making a fool of you.

 Totally agree.  100%..

4 hours ago, Thatgirlie said:

When we got inside the club he gave me a bit of his drink to drink and only gave it to me (another girl tried to take a sip but he rejected her). He stood with me for a while then left to go find his friends. The rest of the night he spent watching me and staring like usual.

^^This is weird.  He may have put something in that drink, a drug to loosen you up or even knock you out, which is why he didn't want the other girl drinking it. 

Don't rule it out, it happens!  I'm glad you're okay. 

If me given our history together, I would not have trusted it and would have declined taking that sip. 

He can buy you your own drink if he actually gave a *.  Again I'm glad you're okay.

Lastly you seem to be focusing a lot on how he kept staring at you.  Attaching meaning to it like it must mean he's really into you or something?

It doesn't mean that all all, he was horny and had a goal - getting you go go home with him, having sex.

When you didn't comply, like @catfeeder said, he had no use for you. 

My advice?  Move on from this creep.  There's nothing good here.

It doesn't appear he has much respect for you at all, it's insulting. 

I'm sorry and please stay safe! 

 

[catfeeder]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^This is weird.  He may have put something in that drink, a drug to loosen you up or even knock you out, which is why he didn't want the other girl drinking it. 

Yep. OP, if he was actually into you, he would have treated you to a drink of your own.

He got off cheap if giving you a sip left such a favorable impression on you before he went back over to his buddies to stare and make fun of you while scoping for the next girl he'd try to sleep with.

[Jaunty]

What a lot of weirdness, starting with meeting someone and then spending 2 solid weeks with them.   I mean ... that might be romantic but it is almost certainly not sustainable.

Some of the incidents don't make any sense to me.  Why ask him to stay for 5 minutes and then mention that you didn't want to leave with him?   The impression I got was that you were going to go have sex and you didn't want your friends to know. 

And the drink sipping?  I was just waiting for the part where you passed out and woke up somewhere unfamiliar, half undressed.  Sounds like he was trying to slip you a roofie - or what was that all about?  Did you think it meant that he is romantically interested in you because he gave you a sip of a drink?   Because it seemed to me that he didn't want anyone else to get the effect ... 

Anyway, the whole thing is a mess, there is NOTHING here to work with and all the complex details are meaningless.   If he wanted to date you, you would be dating - because obviously you would wish to do that.  He doesn't.  He is playing games or maybe not even that - just once in a while you show up on his radar so he *kind of* engages with you.

I'm glad he didn't slip you a roofie!  Now steer clear of guys who behave like this towards you in the future.  It will NOT ever lead to anything that will leave you feeling good about things.  

 

[Kwothe28]

Just to ask: Did you sleep together?

Because it would explain a few things, starting from you not getting over him(women usually emotionally connect through sex), to him saying how he isnt ready for the relationship(standard excuse when they want just one thing) to even him maybe trying to get the cookie again and sleep with you. And to even him blocking you again after you said "No".

6 hours ago, Thatgirlie said:

What does this situation mean?!

Pretty much nothing. You met a jerk, fall for him and he proved he is a jerk. Maybe have a better screening process before you mess up with somebody like that again.

[Thatgirlie]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

What a lot of weirdness, starting with meeting someone and then spending 2 solid weeks with them.   I mean ... that might be romantic but it is almost certainly not sustainable.

Some of the incidents don't make any sense to me.  Why ask him to stay for 5 minutes and then mention that you didn't want to leave with him?   The impression I got was that you were going to go have sex and you didn't want your friends to know. 

And the drink sipping?  I was just waiting for the part where you passed out and woke up somewhere unfamiliar, half undressed.  Sounds like he was trying to slip you a roofie - or what was that all about?  Did you think it meant that he is romantically interested in you because he gave you a sip of a drink?   Because it seemed to me that he didn't want anyone else to get the effect ... 

Anyway, the whole thing is a mess, there is NOTHING here to work with and all the complex details are meaningless.   If he wanted to date you, you would be dating - because obviously you would wish to do that.  He doesn't.  He is playing games or maybe not even that - just once in a while you show up on his radar so he *kind of* engages with you.

I'm glad he didn't slip you a roofie!  Now steer clear of guys who behave like this towards you in the future.  It will NOT ever lead to anything that will leave you feeling good about things.  

 

All of his friends were inside so I said to him just go inside for around 5 mins and if he wasn’t feeling it to go home. I wasn't implying on going home with him and never said I was or wasn’t going to go home with him. I completely ignored his question of going home and in response said “just go in for 5 mins and if you aren’t feeling it to just go home” as he was unsure as to whether to go inside or just go home. I just gave him my advice as I didn’t care if he chose to leave or not as I had my friends waiting inside for me. Hope that clears it up 

[Thatgirlie]

12 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Just to ask: Did you sleep together?

Because it would explain a few things, starting from you not getting over him(women usually emotionally connect through sex), to him saying how he isnt ready for the relationship(standard excuse when they want just one thing) to even him maybe trying to get the cookie again and sleep with you. And to even him blocking you again after you said "No".

Pretty much nothing. You met a jerk, fall for him and he proved he is a jerk. Maybe have a better screening process before you mess up with somebody like that again.

Yeah we did when we originally spoke to each other in January time. We were going out on dates together and spending time together whilst also sleeping together. We were exclusive in February and then that’s when the drama began with his friend which led us to not talk to each other. He did tell me as well that he was not ready for a relationship so I knew I was being used which is why when he asked me if I wanted to go home I chose not to even respond to him and brushed it off with my response as I made it about his friends with the whole 5 minute mention. I just don’t understand the reasoning behind it all which is why I chose to address my problem on here as I needed advice on what to do and how to go about this as I don’t want him in my life anymore but whenever I go to such events and nights out and he’s there it involves him staring and watching me all night whilst following me around and making sure I’m not talking or getting to know anyone else. 
 

I also had an encounter with his flatmate a few weeks back where she came upto me at a bar which he was at as well alongside his friendship group. She came upto me and said that all he’s ever said about me is how lovely I am and that he’s just not ready for a relationship due to not being in the correct headspace. She also said that he’s having a lot of issues and dealing with a few mental health problems and said that now just isn’t the right time for him to even consider being or talking to me. I’m not too sure why she came up to me and said this as it was very random and out of the blue so if anyone has any explanation for that or advice that would be much appreciated 🙂 

[Batya33]

Why do you think you were being used? Did you agree to  have sex and enjoy the sex? He told you he wasn't ready for a relationship (add "with you") - I'd avoid gossiping about him behind his back especially about any rumoured mental health issues.  I'd simply keep my distance when you see him at events -apparently he's mentally stable enough to socialize.  Typically when a person is ready to have sex with and hang out with another person they're available for a relationship -but don't want to be with the person badly enough so they might use the excuse of "headspace" or tell themsleves this when in reality if they wanted to be in the right headspace -whatever that means really - they'd choose  to be with the person and deal with the  space in their heads at the same time.

I'd keep my distance from this person and not talk about him to others.  I'm sorry you are disappointed.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Thatgirlie said:

I’m not too sure why she came up to me and said this as it was very random and out of the blue so if anyone has any explanation for that or advice that would be much appreciated

I don't think it matters why she approached you and said what she said NOR do I think it matters why he doesn't want a RL with you or why he behaves the way he behaves. 

The only thing that matters is he does not want a RL with you, pretty much period end of. 

I think what you should do is (1) stop allowing him so much rental space in your brain (2) when you attend the same events, stop staring at him and/or noticing/caring that he stares at you (3) stop reading so much into his behavior and (4) ignore him!

As I said before, there is nothing good here.   

7 hours ago, Thatgirlie said:

What do I do as I still have feelings for him and like him a lot. I still haven’t gotten over him...

Well, you cannot control how you feel however you can control how you respond to your feelings.

Stop projecting how YOU feel on to him.   I highly doubt he shares your feelings.  Otherwise he'd be working on his "issues" (IF that's his reasoning for not wanting a RL), so he could have a RL with you.

The rest of it - him watching you, following you around, making sure you don't speak with anyone else? 

IMO this is you projecting, what you hope he's doing (especially what's bolded) because by your own admission you still have feelings for him and are not over him.

Projection is quite common and can be confusing.  But are brains can play tricks on us sometimes and imo that's what's happening here.  Again best to stop reading so much into it and attaching meaning to it. 

I know it hurts, I have been there myself.  But once you accept the reality of the situation, it becomes a whole lot easier to let go and move on.

 

 

 

 

[Andrina]

There are other things you can do with girlfriends to have fun besides clubbing at the same clubs you know this guy frequents, so maybe do that instead to have closure a lot sooner when he will become out of sight, out of mind. 

If he is in fact staring and then monopolizing your time in clubs whereas no other guys will approach, then it's concerning that you're not disturbed by that sort of stalkerish and creepy behavior instead of grasping for straws that he's now seeing you as the one he actually wants to be exclusive with and wants something serious with. 

If you haven't had good luck in finding decent guys clubbing, it's time to look into other activities. Start Googling to search for clubs, hobbies, volunteering in environmental cleanups or at zoos or museums, etc., and Meetup.com groups for singles in your age group.

Also take this time to work on your self-worth so that you don't repeat the pattern of accepting and attracting unworthy men.

[MissCanuck]

It's not that hard to get rid of a guy you don't want bothering you (unless the guy is unhinged, of course)

Ignore him when you see him out. If he follows you around and it's irritating to you, tell him very directly to stop. He'll eventually turn his attention towards someone else. 

[Jaunty]

Stop engaging with him.  It's completely in your own control.   If you see him I would advise you to say "hey" and keep on walking by.   Don't walk with him in the street, don't drink out of his glass, or ask him to come in the club for 5 minutes or anything at all like that.  Just be aloof and move on.

[LootieTootie]

This guy is not worth it!

Also if he gives you something to drink but someone else wants a sip and he says no, big RED flag! Back in my college days, my friends and I were aware of these things and if some guy said to me or my friend "here sip this" - we knew that was sketch! NOOOO.... Be smart and kick this guy to the curb.

[ShySoul]

On 6/14/2024 at 4:30 PM, Thatgirlie said:

He did tell me as well that he was not ready for a relationship so I knew I was being used

If you were both consenting to being exclusie and to sex, were you actually being used? Maybe he was sincere in that he wasn't ready for a deeper commitment. And if a close, trusted friend is making accusations against you, it follows that he would listen to the one he's known longer.  Perhaps he's reconsidering what happened and has doubts on what his friend said. Maybe there are still lingering feelings for you but he isn't sure what he actually wants, hence the constant looking at you. When you said he didn't want to go with him he took that as a sign you weren't interested and blocked you again to put the whole situation out of the way and not deal with it. 

On 6/14/2024 at 4:30 PM, Thatgirlie said:

all he’s ever said about me is how lovely I am and that he’s just not ready for a relationship due to not being in the correct headspace. She also said that he’s having a lot of issues and dealing with a few mental health problems and said that now just isn’t the right time for him to even consider being or talking to me

I'd say that's further reason to believe he does have feelings for you. He's torn. Part of him would like to be with you and wants to reach out. That part of him won out that night. But whatever he's going through personally makes him not ready for a relationship. It's too painful for him and wouldn't be right for you, so he tries to stay away. He's walking an emotional tightrope and for a night gave in to something he wasn't ready for.

On 6/14/2024 at 9:58 AM, Thatgirlie said:

What do I do as I still have feelings for him and like him a lot. I still haven’t gotten over him

On 6/14/2024 at 4:30 PM, Thatgirlie said:

I needed advice on what to do and how to go about this as I don’t want him in my life anymore

Which is it? Do you have feelings for him or do you not want to see him anymore? Or are you walking an emotional tightrope of your own? 

Either way, right now he can't be with you. The only think to do is to keep pushing on with life. If you see him, be polite and friendly as you normally would. Try not to worry yourself over it and just go on doing what you would normally do. Should a time come when he is ready and does indicate it, figure out where your feelings are and follow them. 

[Thatgirlie]

6 hours ago, ShySoul said:

If you were both consenting to being exclusie and to sex, were you actually being used? Maybe he was sincere in that he wasn't ready for a deeper commitment. And if a close, trusted friend is making accusations against you, it follows that he would listen to the one he's known longer.  Perhaps he's reconsidering what happened and has doubts on what his friend said. Maybe there are still lingering feelings for you but he isn't sure what he actually wants, hence the constant looking at you. When you said he didn't want to go with him he took that as a sign you weren't interested and blocked you again to put the whole situation out of the way and not deal with it. 

I'd say that's further reason to believe he does have feelings for you. He's torn. Part of him would like to be with you and wants to reach out. That part of him won out that night. But whatever he's going through personally makes him not ready for a relationship. It's too painful for him and wouldn't be right for you, so he tries to stay away. He's walking an emotional tightrope and for a night gave in to something he wasn't ready for.

Which is it? Do you have feelings for him or do you not want to see him anymore? Or are you walking an emotional tightrope of your own? 

Either way, right now he can't be with you. The only think to do is to keep pushing on with life. If you see him, be polite and friendly as you normally would. Try not to worry yourself over it and just go on doing what you would normally do. Should a time come when he is ready and does indicate it, figure out where your feelings are and follow them. 

Thank you for this response, I agreed with a lot you said here. 
 

I would say I am walking on an emotional tightrope too. I have my friends who tell me to not bother with him anymore and to let him go and move on, whereas my heart and myself tell me that I do still care and have feelings for him. He’s the first guy I’ve liked for a while and when I first met him I felt the so called sparks and instant connection. We became very obsessed with each other which made us spend so much time together at the start before everything fell apart. 
 

I personally believe him and his flatmate about being not ready for a relationship. He’s a very stubborn character and for him to go out of his way to unblock me and block me again and for him to even talk to me after not speaking to me for a good few months is very out of character and impulsive even for him. I sort of believe that he blocked me as he realised he wasn’t ready to talk to me as this must have occurred at the end of the night when he was with his friends or after when he got back home. I think he gave in and spoke to me and probably wondered how I would respond and react to him as he doesn’t like confrontation and avoids it as much as possible. 
 

I have been told to be very direct and stand off ish to him but I do not wish to do this. Me personally I want things to work out so I will take your advice and just be polite and carry on living my life and if he is ready then he can reach out whenever he likes as we are both still at the same university next year. 

[Batya33]

I would ask yourself what is there to work out? It's basic stuff. You are still attracted to him. He is treating you poorly -understatement.  So the decision is simple - even though it's hard to implement. Do you want to remain in contact with a person who treats you in this manner because you have "feelings" or will you choose to react to your feelings by doing what's healthier for  you and staying away? It takes two to work things out -you two are not in a relationship or dating and you can't be friends given your feelings for him.  Friends talk about who they are dating -friends watch as the other one buys a lady a drink.  

You absolutely can and should be civil and polite from a distance and you can and should take steps to stop any truly harassing behavior on his part. If he is harassing I would be direct or report the issue at your university.

People move towards pleasure and away from pain -if he wanted to be in a relationship with you and felt the same he would be - he can do this.  He chooses not to and I'm sorry that's so disappointing to you.

[Lambert]

On 6/14/2024 at 12:58 PM, Thatgirlie said:

What does this situation mean?!

Honestly, it means you can find a better...  His behavior is not good for you.  only him. Who knows why.  

Meet more people and look for one's that like you all the time. 

[MissCanuck]

56 minutes ago, Thatgirlie said:

Me personally I want things to work out

There is nothing to work out, though. 

You two had a short-lived thing, and it's been over for a while. And he hasn't been nice to you. You have to recognize when to let go of false hope. This isn't how decent relationships start, and it's quite clear he doesn't share the feelings you do. 

Let it go, or put yourself through more pain. This isn't going to end the way you hoped. 

[Jaunty]

You need to stop clinging on to this.   Regardless of any of the "whys" or explanations he, you or other people put out there, the situation ends up the same:  This guy and you are not in a relationship and there are no signs that you are headed in that direction.  At all.

Sorry to be blunt but you are really grasping at straws here.