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Help! Confusing situation with a guy


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12 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Maybe there are still lingering feelings for you but he isn't sure what he actually wants, hence the constant looking at you. When you said he didn't want to go with him he took that as a sign you weren't interested and blocked you again to put the whole situation out of the way and not deal with it. 

I'd say that's further reason to believe he does have feelings for you. He's torn. Part of him would like to be with you and wants to reach out. That part of him won out that night.

Not to invalidate this^ opinion, in fact there was a time I may even have agreed with it or that's it's a possibility.

However I've since grown up, smartened up and learned that this notion of men (or women) breaking up a relationship and/or "running away from love" because they're "afraid" or conflicted or even ambivalent is a bunch of *****shyt excuse my not so beautiful french. 

I do agree that we (or some of us) may have anxieties, fears and insecurities BUT when the feelings are there, where they should be, we don't push people out or run away, behave cruelly, dismissively, disrespectfully.

We work through such emotions with our partner (and within ourselves through introspection and/or with the help of a qualified therapist) it's instinctive, because we care

If/when you observe other couples and the world around you, that is what you see happening among couples who care about each other. 

We don't jerk them around, blocking, unblocking, talking and behaving cruelly, following them around at events, offering sips of their drink (which again you should never trust let alone see it as an endearment), making ambiguous comments to friends, and blaming it on "oh they're conflicted or don't know what they want."  

This is NOT love, heck it's not even like!   It reflects disdain, disrespect and obvious dislike. 

I don't doubt he'd enjoy another roll in the hay when/if you allowed it but afterwards, it's right vack to ignore and block. 

He's a coward and a creep. 

I understand it though, I'm the first to admit that I used to be like you OP clinging tightly to any semblance of hope blaming it on some sort of "commitmentphobia" - a trendy phrase which basically describes the actions of people who don't give a shyt.  And too self-centered / self-absorbed to see beyond their own anxieties and insecurities.  People like this are incapable of loving imo and experience.

This is very hard for me to admit because again I clung to this belief for dear life, finding it difficult to accept that a man I adored didn't feel the same.  Accepting that reality was too hurtful and painful and I wasn't ready to do that just yet.

It all turned out to be one very long disappointing road towards Never-Never Land.

Thank goodness I've since seen the light and am able to recognize such cowards a mile away. 

My hope for you OP is that someday you will as well. 

 

 

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37 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

However I've since grown up, smartened up and learned that this notion of men (or women) breaking up a relationship and/or "running away from love" because they're "afraid" or conflicted or even ambivalent is a bunch of *****shyt excuse my not so beautiful french. 

I chose closeness, love and commitment over fear. Because I'd become the right person to find the right person.

  With rare exception people who are afraid or conflicted still choose love and commitment when they click with a person -when the find they right person.  With rare exception, people who are "emotionally unavailable" for a relationship will not get romantically involved in the first place.  Sexually involved -sure maybe.  But the person who says on the first date "I'm not looking for a relationship" assume that means "with you" and even if it's partly motivated by fear that person is not into you enough to choose you over fear.  If it's not a date but a hook up that's different -then the pronouncement is to make sure the other person is consenting to hooking up without being lead on.

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I chose closeness, love and commitment over fear. Because I'd become the right person to find the right person.

Amen sista. 😀

One of my brothers whom I have often described on this forum and others for YEARS as being a huge "commitmentphobe," heck even HE thought he was, has recently (approximately 6 months ago) met and began dating a woman who has changed all that.

Comparing her to his past girlfriends, all of whom he ran away from claiming he was torn, scared, confused, didn't know what he wanted, ambivalent, etc she is not much different with the exception she's not a doormat, does NOT tolerate BS, speaks her mind, voices he opinion and challenges him when he behaves likes an ass.

She does this respectfully not maliciously or aggressively.

Anyway, I and my other brothers can see this change in him and how for the first time in his life he's NOT "scared" or "torn" or running away. 

It all just fits, they fit. 

It's so nice to see!  

I asked him the other day what's the difference, what's so special about her?

And his response was "its quite possible for the first time in my life, I'm in love with her."

We both nearly cried!  I did anyway.

My brother is so completely devoted to this woman; the contrast between how he treats her compared with every other woman he's been involved with since college (which is when his first serious gf shattered his heart) is remarkable and beautiful! 

Things aren't perfect but they work through issues together because they care.  HE cares and SHE cares.

And believe me, and not proud to admit about my own brother, but he was a real a-hole to his girlfriends in the past..

He blamed it on his fears and insecurities as if to justify his piss poor treatment of them.

He actually chuckled about it in retrospect because with her, because she's the right woman for him and he's the right man for her, everything is different.

And again it's so nice to see!!

@Thatgirlietake from this what you will, hopefully it's something positive. 

 

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41 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Amen sista. 😀

One of my brothers whom I have often described on this forum and others for YEARS as being a huge "commitmentphobe," heck even HE thought he was, has recently (approximately 6 months ago) met and began dating a woman who has changed all that.

Comparing her to his past girlfriends, all of whom he ran away from claiming he was torn, scared, confused, didn't know what he wanted, ambivalent, etc she is not much different with the exception she's not a doormat, does NOT tolerate BS, speaks her mind, voices he opinion and challenges him when he behaves likes an ass.

She does this respectfully not maliciously or aggressively.

Anyway, I and my other brothers can see this change in him and how for the first time in his life he's NOT "scared" or "torn" or running away. 

It all just fits, they fit. 

It's so nice to see!  

I asked him the other day what's the difference, what's so special about her?

And his response was "its quite possible for the first time in my life, I'm in love with her."

We both nearly cried!  I did anyway.

My brother is so completely devoted to this woman; the contrast between how he treats her compared with every other woman he's been involved with since college (which is when his first serious gf shattered his heart) is remarkable and beautiful! 

Things aren't perfect but they work through issues together because they care.  HE cares and SHE cares.

And believe me, and not proud to admit about my own brother, but he was a real a-hole to his girlfriends in the past..

He blamed it on his fears and insecurities as if to justify his piss poor treatment of them.

He actually chuckled about it in retrospect because with her, because she's the right woman for him and he's the right man for her, everything is different.

And again it's so nice to see!!

@Thatgirlietake from this what you will, hopefully it's something positive. 

 

I know of a similar - but also different situation. The reformed player /commitment phobe who I dated for 5 months when he was 40 and I was 36 never fell for me. He was clear when he ended it that he wasn’t feeling it. 6 months later he met his future wife and around 1.5 years later they married. Except he contacted me while he was engaged and married - twice - and crossed the line. Not terribly. But he did. I didn’t respond in kind. It made me wonder how committed he was to her. I believe they’re still married (since mid 2000s). I actually was surprised. She’s very very pretty and from all I heard years ago a lovely person 

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