Pressure to have sex

[throoawao]

I think you break it off earlier than anticipated as a subconscious defense mechanism. I think you're similar to me, but correct me if I'm wrong: you gain emotion from sex and you want to postpone that vulnerability as long as possible because you really want to make sure the person you will be with will respect your emotions. You probably break it off earlier to protect yourself from the possibility of getting hurt. You'd probably be less hurt breaking it off with them than them breaking it off with you.
You probably give into the pressure because of your natural physiological desire to have sex. Maybe you also give into it because the pressure convinces you you want the same as them. 
From my experience, I think most men would jump faster at the opportunity for casual sex than most women. I think you need to answer this question within yourself-- are YOU (outside of any external factors/pressure/attraction) capable of having casual sex? many women are, and they are fine with it, but some are a bit more emotional than others. If you are fine with having casual sex, then go for it, and you will meet your match who will respect it. If you're not ok with having casual sex, tell that to your date from the beginning -- say you're not looking to have sex until a relationship, or whatever your desires are. If they don't respect it and keep pushing, then get the courage to leave them because they are not fulfilling your conditions into a relationship.

Do what makes YOU happy and content.

[Batya33]

20 minutes ago, throoawao said:

You probably give into the pressure because of your natural physiological desire to have sex

I've never heard of a person reacting to a desire to have sex by having sex when he or she is not ready unless it was also out of insecurity/lack of self worth.  People have strong desires of all kinds and choose not to act on the desire because it conflicts with a health concern or values concern or both . I very often desired to have sex earlier than I did but waited because of my values as well as health concerns.  I think the OP gives into the pressure because the benefits - having pleasurable sex plus feeling like this way she can "keep" the guy interested outweigh the risks. Pleasure meaning -a choice -not some innate "desire."  I really get concerned with that sort of analysis because it can also be misused to justify pressuring someone else "well you know I wanted you so badly I just couldn't help myself"

[dias]

1 hour ago, throoawao said:

From my experience, I think most men would jump faster at the opportunity for casual sex than most women. 

Do tell!!

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Daisy Brown said:

I’m in my twenties, same for those guys (usually 23-30).But some just mention it all the time / ask all the time. Others try to be touchy feely / pushy.

Yes it's a good idea to get rid of the horndogs early on🌭. Actually it doesn't matter what you look like. A man who respects you is not going to keep hinting or trying to paw  you up.

Guys who are playing the long game are going to risk offending you for a quick score.

[lostandhurt]

7 hours ago, Daisy Brown said:

Thank you! That was helpful. 
To answer your questions: I’m in my twenties, same for those guys (usually 23-30)

And they don’t force aggressively, all of them are different. But some just mention it all the time / ask all the time. Others try to be touchy feely / pushy.

Okay these guys are barely out of being in the walking boner stage so I can see why this is happening.

Understanding men will help you a lot.  Like I said for the most part we are pretty simple. 

Next time you are really interested in a guy feel free to speak up about the speed at which you want to proceed.  If he disappears after you let him know sex is off the table until ____________ then you have saved yourself a bunch of time haven't you?

It has been said many times on here that it is so much easier to have sex then to talk about it with your partner.  I imagine you are attractive and have no problems getting dates so speak up when the man you are dating does or says something you are not comfortable with yet.  If he is into you he will stick around and if he doesn't then NEXT!

Best wishes

Lost

 

[Tinydance]

I'm just a bit confused though if you didn't want to have sex with these guys, why you did it? I mean you said none of them actually pushed you into it physically except they got a *** touchy with you or they kept bringing it up. I'm not judging you at all or anything because you can do what you like. I'm just surprised you actually had sex with these guys but you didn't want to. 

I think if you're not happy with a situation you need to be more assertive and just say you don't want that. It's not like you're being unreasonable because they're not your boyfriend, it's just early dating and getting to know each other. If they don't like it then that's too bad.

[Daisy Brown]

On 9/29/2022 at 8:15 PM, throoawao said:

I think you break it off earlier than anticipated as a subconscious defense mechanism. I think you're similar to me, but correct me if I'm wrong: you gain emotion from sex and you want to postpone that vulnerability as long as possible because you really want to make sure the person you will be with will respect your emotions. You probably break it off earlier to protect yourself from the possibility of getting hurt. You'd probably be less hurt breaking it off with them than them breaking it off with you.
You probably give into the pressure because of your natural physiological desire to have sex. Maybe you also give into it because the pressure convinces you you want the same as them. 
From my experience, I think most men would jump faster at the opportunity for casual sex than most women. I think you need to answer this question within yourself-- are YOU (outside of any external factors/pressure/attraction) capable of having casual sex? many women are, and they are fine with it, but some are a bit more emotional than others. If you are fine with having casual sex, then go for it, and you will meet your match who will respect it. If you're not ok with having casual sex, tell that to your date from the beginning -- say you're not looking to have sex until a relationship, or whatever your desires are. If they don't respect it and keep pushing, then get the courage to leave them because they are not fulfilling your conditions into a relationship.

Do what makes YOU happy and content.

Really great answer! That resonated with me, thank you.

[Coily]

On 9/27/2022 at 7:48 AM, Daisy Brown said:

1. Im considered an attractive woman (by social standards) and I like to think that I treat people nicely too. Do these men want to sleep with me so quickly because of my qualities or do men just want to sleep with every woman they meet right away?

 

The simplistic answer is: Yes

As you are attractive men will naturally be inclined towards viewing you in a sexual way, most men have some element of this. That said perhaps these particular men are hyper sexually focused, and there is some element you find attractive about that sort of man eg exudes confidence.

A decent man, while he will harbor sexual thoughts will restrain himself.

On 9/27/2022 at 7:48 AM, Daisy Brown said:

2. They respect a no by saying ok, but they keep pressuring / hinting. Is this okay? Or should I consider it a red flag? Am I just unlucky and only bumping into douchebags or are all men like this/ is this normal?

Once they take the lead it really depends on the manner in which they hint. If it's all handsy, sexual innuendo, and out right begging for sex, then you have found a one track mind man, thus a red flag.

It could be the pool of men you are looking at specifically, it could be your area. But on average decent guys will take your no as gospel, now they may joke or make a compliment; but they will in no way pressure you into sex.

On 9/27/2022 at 7:48 AM, Daisy Brown said:

3. Why do I lose interest and break it off with men fairly quickly after spending the night together? Can it be because I gave in to the pressure and on the inside I wasn’t ready, despite convincing myself I am? Or some other reason?

You aren't forming an attachment, sex should be a bonding experience. However these guys have made you perform in such a way that you no longer have any attachment after sex. The pressure, the lack of pre-sex bonding, is likely leading to a disconnect. You want to be valued for you, not how attractive you are.

When you are reduced to interchangeable sex organs for these crummy guys, why would you feel anything more than a temporary thrill. Maybe it's time to look at who you have been with, take some mental notes, and find men who don't quite fit that mold. If you have a close friend, who will help you find a quality man, confide in them so that they can sound the alarm when you won't.

Hope you can break out of this cycle, and find someone who will value the bond over your body.

[Daisy Brown]

5 hours ago, Coily said:

The simplistic answer is: Yes

As you are attractive men will naturally be inclined towards viewing you in a sexual way, most men have some element of this. That said perhaps these particular men are hyper sexually focused, and there is some element you find attractive about that sort of man eg exudes confidence.

A decent man, while he will harbor sexual thoughts will restrain himself.

Once they take the lead it really depends on the manner in which they hint. If it's all handsy, sexual innuendo, and out right begging for sex, then you have found a one track mind man, thus a red flag.

It could be the pool of men you are looking at specifically, it could be your area. But on average decent guys will take your no as gospel, now they may joke or make a compliment; but they will in no way pressure you into sex.

You aren't forming an attachment, sex should be a bonding experience. However these guys have made you perform in such a way that you no longer have any attachment after sex. The pressure, the lack of pre-sex bonding, is likely leading to a disconnect. You want to be valued for you, not how attractive you are.

When you are reduced to interchangeable sex organs for these crummy guys, why would you feel anything more than a temporary thrill. Maybe it's time to look at who you have been with, take some mental notes, and find men who don't quite fit that mold. If you have a close friend, who will help you find a quality man, confide in them so that they can sound the alarm when you won't.

Hope you can break out of this cycle, and find someone who will value the bond over your body.

Thank you!! Well written