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Getting married and managing mums wants


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Posted (edited)

So I’am finally getting married. After years of being on the shelve, still available, too old they say  (not that old, still in my 30s). I have finally met someone I want to have a family with. My mother has constantly tormented me about being too old, that all her lovely friends have grandkids and all she has are dogs. We spoke many times about if that day was to come, would you let me manage my own wedding? Sure she would reply, all I pray for is one of my daughters to be wed! I don’t care what his background is or what he looks like just as long as you are happy.                               Well that’s what I thought mother!                                          She took the weddings news well, smiled shyly snd shared the news with the old biddies/ neighbours about it.                   After a month for the news to sink in she starts asking me so can I invite your uncles and aunties? These are people we don’t like but it’s just to show off. Also it should be an Asian banquet. And I need to speak to the father of the groom to negotiate a price for you.  What they don’t believe in dowry? This means no respect for our custom.    Your brother and I will not attend your wedding.                                                   Funny that all of this is also coming from my brother who didn’t tell us about his private wedding abroad and owes our family money. 

Edited by doverf5ve
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8 minutes ago, doverf5ve said:

 the news to sink in she starts asking me so can I invite your uncles and aunties? These are people we don’t like but it’s just to show off. Also it should be an Asian banquet. And I need to speak to the father of the groom to negotiate a price for you.  What they don’t believe in dowry? This means no respect for our custom.

Congratulations. Only do what you and your bride-to-be agree on. That's it. If you want a happy marriage start communicating with your bride and start severing the apron strings.

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Posted (edited)

Had to google what "dowry" is lol. So they are mad because they will not pay the money to the groom to get rid of you because grooms family doesnt want it? Weird flex but OK. 

Parents do get weird like that. When I was in college my mom said "Just finish college". Afterward it was "Just find a job". Now we are at "Get married" train. Afterward probably "produce a child" lol. They do mean well but it produces a lot of unwanted pressure. 

Anyway, just do what you want. If you want to do something Asian because of heritage, do it. If you dont, dont do it. They should be happy for you because its their kid getting married. If they dont want to come because its not up to their liking, well, their loss. 

Edited by Kwothe28
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You and your spouse to be, plan your own wedding together, with some traditions of your choosing. It will certainly be a test for you, as the happy couple, to navigate through this. My advice, do things for YOUR happiness not your family's. So stop focusing on what your mother says to you, and focus on your own happiness. It's your day no hers. 

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OP you do you and plan the wedding as you want. You have to assert yourself and put yourself and your fiance first. If they don't understand this... That's their problem.

I would also limit info sharing with them. Treat them as you treat guests and limit gossip. Answer briefly any question and change the topic. Same goes for their disrespectful comments... You just tell them you don't appreciate that they don't support you in your life decisions and if they can't respect your decisions, then they need to stay away. It's time for you to draw that solid line in the sand and affirm yourself with them.

I completely empathise as I have a similar mom. You can do it!

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Posted (edited)

Agree with Itsallgrand.  Your marriage, your wedding ,your rules.  You're an adult.  You do you. (I got engaged, married and became a mom at age 42).

Edited by Batya33
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2 hours ago, doverf5ve said:

Your brother and I will not attend your wedding.

It's only this part that is particularly manipulative. 

Don't react to her antics and threats. Repeat that the wedding will be small and you will decide on who to invite. If you have any other updates you will let her know. 

If she keeps asking questions, repeat the above. Keep repeating the above until she tires of asking questions.

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Asian banquets are so much fun!!!  But whoever pays for the wedding, gets to help plan the wedding.  I got married in my early 30's too, and still happily married with kids, and sure I heard the plenty, "when are you getting married?" lines from relatives.  Asian here too!

But trust me, once you get married, she will no longer feel she can have you under her thumb.

So just enjoy the ride.  Don't put so much weight on her statements.  It doesn't make them true.

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Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, doverf5ve said:

... she starts asking me so can I invite your uncles and aunties? These are people we don’t like but it’s just to show off. Also it should be an Asian banquet... Your brother and I will not attend your wedding

Dover, sorry you are enduring mad mummy syndrome.  I, sadly, did not invite my mum to my wedding for the following reasons:  she did not speak the language, she made trouble and drama wherever she went, and would have made my wedding (~60 pax) and reception all about her somehow.  My future MIL actually planned the whole thing down to the bridal bouquet and my hair appointment, they (MIL/FIL) paid for whole thing, and we paid them back with the checks we received for wedding gifts (they never said if the checks met the full amount, they have too much class).  Yes, MIL was in charge of the guest list because a) another country, she knew all the vendors and trades to get the best setup b) i had no objections, actually felt spoilt with her attentions c) felt nothing but love in her labours, not for one minute like I could or would get dropped on my head (never woulda happened if I had let my mum get in on the action).

Now, if we had have been a little older and more entrenched in our careers, I probably would have done exactly what you are doing, pay for everything ourselves and manage the guest list and wedding/reception formats ourselves... although it might not have taken place in another country.  I probably still wouldn't have invited my mum either because of her long history of acting up at family events.  But I would have invited my in-laws, and probably even paid for their air tickets.

As for mum, I had to endure a lot of begging and attempted manipulation the closer the event came, I did not cave.  She survived.  She tried to punish me but I just ignored her.  Bitter old women who created their destiny don't like it when they have to lay in the bed they made... let's hope your mum can eat crow and fall in line, or don't come to the wedding.  And the aunties and uncles that no one likes?  They can make their own party.

Dover, I sure hope I don't sound harsh, but having lived with a petty manipulative mum for about half my life was punishment enough 😉 YMMV.  Best of luck to you and the lucky bride!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ❤️

 

Edited by spinstermanquee
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My wedding had 10 guests and including clothing and paying the religious officiant cost about $1,500.  Amazing and magical day that also felt completely natural.  The wedding reception is not the wedding -the wedding is the ceremony and the vows.  No reception required, no large reception required.  

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Do YOUR wedding the way you want. Period. I remember my mom’s finger in the pot at every turn and I got to invite FOUR friends to my own wedding because she had invited all her friends and relatives and extended family to a family she had not even married into yet . Since my reception was in her house she ruled everything. 
 

I had ALWAYS ALWAYS wanted vail and she said, “ oh don’t do that your face is far too tiny here here’s a nice headpiece“ So I didn’t do that either. 
 

I got married 28 years ago and I am still a bit incensed…. Lol . 
 

Do it your way no matter who comes or who doesn’t come you will thank yourself later. 

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Noo, you are NOT too old 🙂 . 30 is all fine!

My brother did not marry until he knew he found his true partner, which was almost age 38.

One should never feel rushed or guilt on how THEY feel ( you).

In the end, this is YOUR day.  You do as you want.  IF you want help from her end or anyone's, then you can ask.

My oldest is getting married in July, More help is coming from the grandparents of this, due to money costs... BUT, it was my son & his gf who chose the locations & arrangements. And he is almost 30 as well. So, all is fine 🙂 .

Another thing, is he realised at first he wanted to invite a few friends, but saw how that became too much... Well, if I invite these guys, I know some other's may react etc.. He ended up inviting basically family now and only his one friend, who will be his 'best man'.  Things change, issue's arise.  But in the end, it is what YOU choose. ( Maybe just remind your mom of this - that is really between you & your partner and she needs to accept that). 

 

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15 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Maybe just remind your mom of this - that is really between you & your partner and she needs to accept that). 

💯

Wherever she brings up some suggestion, tell her you Will discuss this with your partner and see how it goes. End of conversation.

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My. husband and I paid for our wedding ourselves in order to keep my mother from having any say in it.  End of story.

She would have pushed us into many thing we did not want had she had her way, so us paying the bill eliminated that huge miserable possibility.  So you and your intended need to pay the bill for your wedding yourselves then you can do as you please.

It really stinks when parents get in the middle of things that are not about them and often ruin what the couple actually wants.

 

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This is why the door sign exists: Welcome Friends, Relatives by Appointment Only.

There are plenty of books for sale or at the library about establishing relationship boundaries.

No matter who the person is, learn to cut short conversations that are not productive, disregards your own needs and wants, and are totally upsetting. Refuse to argue. Excuse yourself by leaving the person's home, asking them to leave if they are in your home, or say you're hanging up the phone. You can do this without anger in your voice. Just use whatever excuse is handy.  

Teach people how to treat you. If they treat you well, they will have the benefit of your company. If they don't treat you well, your quick departures from their company and conversations will send a message without you having to spell it out. Oddly enough, it's like any sort of training. Reward good behavior and remove attention when the behavior is the bad. It works for dogs, dolphins, and humans.

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2 hours ago, melancholy123 said:

My. husband and I paid for our wedding ourselves in order to keep my mother from having any say in it.  End of story.

She would have pushed us into many thing we did not want had she had her way, so us paying the bill eliminated that huge miserable possibility.  So you and your intended need to pay the bill for your wedding yourselves then you can do as you please.

It really stinks when parents get in the middle of things that are not about them and often ruin what the couple actually wants.

 

Thank you, I’ve told my mum that my fiancé and I will pay for our own wedding. You can bring some guests but it will be western style. She was annoyed to here that and walked out. I feel like it’s deja vu, I’m pretty sure I told her this before. 

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6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

My wedding had 10 guests and including clothing and paying the religious officiant cost about $1,500.  Amazing and magical day that also felt completely natural.  The wedding reception is not the wedding -the wedding is the ceremony and the vows.  No reception required, no large reception required. 

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

My wedding had 10 guests and including clothing and paying the religious officiant cost about $1,500.  Amazing and magical day that also felt completely natural.  The wedding reception is not the wedding -the wedding is the ceremony and the vows.  No reception required, no large reception required.  

I’ve never wished for a big wedding, I am fine with a registry office then after party. My mum is making me think of her wants and needs and it’s unfair on me since I’m paying for it. 

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6 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

Dover, sorry you are enduring mad mummy syndrome.  I, sadly, did not invite my mum to my wedding for the following reasons:  she did not speak the language, she made trouble and drama wherever she went, and would have made my wedding (~60 pax) and reception all about her somehow.  My future MIL actually planned the whole thing down to the bridal bouquet and my hair appointment, they (MIL/FIL) paid for whole thing, and we paid them back with the checks we received for wedding gifts (they never said if the checks met the full amount, they have too much class).  Yes, MIL was in charge of the guest list because a) another country, she knew all the vendors and trades to get the best setup b) i had no objections, actually felt spoilt with her attentions c) felt nothing but love in her labours, not for one minute like I could or would get dropped on my head (never woulda happened if I had let my mum get in on the action).

Now, if we had have been a little older and more entrenched in our careers, I probably would have done exactly what you are doing, pay for everything ourselves and manage the guest list and wedding/reception formats ourselves... although it might not have taken place in another country.  I probably still wouldn't have invited my mum either because of her long history of acting up at family events.  But I would have invited my in-laws, and probably even paid for their air tickets.

As for mum, I had to endure a lot of begging and attempted manipulation the closer the event came, I did not cave.  She survived.  She tried to punish me but I just ignored her.  Bitter old women who created their destiny don't like it when they have to lay in the bed they made... let's hope your mum can eat crow and fall in line, or don't come to the wedding.  And the aunties and uncles that no one likes?  They can make their own party.

Dover, I sure hope I don't sound harsh, but having lived with a petty manipulative mum for about half my life was punishment enough 😉 YMMV.  Best of luck to you and the lucky bride!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ❤️

 

Thank you, it would upset me if she disrespected me by not turning up. I’ve always been there for her through the ups and downs. My brother is manipulative but whatever he says, she sides with. He hasn’t thought about how stressed out it has made me feel. 

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8 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Had to google what "dowry" is lol. So they are mad because they will not pay the money to the groom to get rid of you because grooms family doesnt want it? Weird flex but OK. 

Parents do get weird like that. When I was in college my mom said "Just finish college". Afterward it was "Just find a job". Now we are at "Get married" train. Afterward probably "produce a child" lol. They do mean well but it produces a lot of unwanted pressure. 

Anyway, just do what you want. If you want to do something Asian because of heritage, do it. If you dont, dont do it. They should be happy for you because its their kid getting married. If they dont want to come because its not up to their liking, well, their loss. 

My sisters have heard how stressful this has been for me but they agree with my mum on getting a dowry. My fiancé folks do not believe in this so  I’m caught in the middle of all of this. It’s not like I’m a 20 year old bride living in the village. 

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7 minutes ago, doverf5ve said:

 

She's not making you.  You're choosing to let her behave this way.  Since you say you want a family I'd nip this in the bud right now since it's much worse to have someone interfering with your parenting which lasts way longer than a wedding reception.

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4 hours ago, doverf5ve said:

Thank you, I’ve told my mum that my fiancé and I will pay for our own wedding. You can bring some guests but it will be western style. She was annoyed to here that and walked out. I feel like it’s deja vu, I’m pretty sure I told her this before. 

You're welcome!  Give mother a guest limit number, and don't leet her go over it.  You may need to repeat your wishes a number of times but keep doing it and hopefully she will eventually get it.

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I thought even in Asian countries dowry was a thing of the past! I guess I was wrong lol Actually my Mum used to make those types of comments to me too when I got to 30. Then later in my early 30's I actually was engaged and booked the wedding, but it didn't work out in the end. After that my Mum didn't mention anything like that anymore. I wonder if she felt bad about my relationship ending or whether she actually began to think I really was old and had no hope, so thought there was no point mentioning it anymore looll

If you're going to pay for the wedding yourself then I don't think your Mum should have that much say. If she doesn't want to come that's too bad. She's invited so her choice.

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On 5/25/2022 at 9:23 AM, doverf5ve said:

Your brother and I will not attend your wedding.  

"Thanks for the RSVP Mom, you can let me know if anything changes. Meanwhile, enjoy brother's grandchildren."

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