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Wondering why some men lose all that exciting interest in you after sex.


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18 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

I think you'd benefit from taking a few thousand deep breaths right about now. Seriously, try a few. 

All in all, it seems you're spinning around because he is not behaving in exactly the way your ex did early on, or in exactly the way you hoped he would after a saucy entanglement, which has triggered in you an avalanche of complicated feelings: about your ex, about unfortunate experiences with men in the past, that are now being projected onto the present in technicolor.  

He is not those men. He's just a guy you barely know. If dude is still chatting with you, if you two are still going to see each other this weekend—well, great. And if you can't quite see it like that—well, all that is on you, not him. 

What comes across in your posts is a certain volatility of feeling, a quickness in deciding he's no longer into you, was "using" you, and so forth. Where's that come from, do you think? I'd reflect on that a bit—and maybe the ways sleeping with someone quickly doesn't contribute positively to that tendency—because it's the kind of thing that will make sustained connection with anyone really challenging. 

I echo a lot of what @bluecastlesaid.

How old is your ex? How long were you in a rel'ship (incl. the breakup)? When did you break up w/him, and then meet up w/this guy?

1 hour ago, katmisj said:

I don't mind having something casual with a man, but I don't want something casual with someone I might develop feelings for, which is the case with him. 

I also feel like if you show you have feelings for someone you're being desperate and needy

If you already know that, then you shouldn't date him, IF he's not serious yet. BUT, the only way to know where his head's at, is to go on a REAL DATE. Go to a resto of his/both your choosing. Have conversations. Gauge his answers. Then, go from there. 

I WOULD NOT ⬇️ DO NOT muddy the waters w/another intimate encounter. Find out what he wants on dates. And in the meantime, figure out if you want casual, or a rel'ship w/this guy.

1 hour ago, katmisj said:

We can finish at my house

 

Is it possible he's taking a step back and trying to evaluate you, him; the entire situation?

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I guess to be it’s a bit weird that sex plays such a big role in this. I see sex as having pleasure but also connecting with the person on a level you wouldn’t connect with just random people. So when I decided to have sex with him it was a mix of sexual desire but also feeling comfortable with him. I understand men usually view sex differently but it wasn’t just a random hook up either.

I don’t think he is taking a step back to reevaluate or anything, he’s been very plain and cold whereas before he would be all sweet and funny, it’s like oh you’re the man, treating with indifference after sex a girl that was nothing but nice to you. Obviously I’ll never know for sure and maybe I’m tripping and we’ll see each other saturday but given what’s been happening I don’t think he’ll be honest if he doesn’t want to see me so I think I might have to just tell him to end it there before someone gets hurt

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5 hours ago, waffle said:

Simply put, women are thinking straight before sex, and men are not--they are on a mission.  After sex it flips, men start thinking straight (due to a "mission accomplished" mindset which can be conscious or subconscious) and women are not--they are on a mission.

I have to agree. I'm not saying this goes for all men, and I'm sure it's not all the time for the men who experience it, but it's definitely a thing. My boyfriend has a joke about when his 'other brain' used to call the shots. The dialogue went something like this: "SAY WHATEVER YOU NEED TO SAY TO GET ME IN THERE. TELL HER HOW MUCH YOU LIKE LOOKING AT COLOR SWATCHES. TELL HER THOSE ARE THE COOLEST SHOES YOU'VE EVER SEEN...."

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To be honest I think having sex too early is not healthy for the excitement between those two people. I’m not saying that you can’t have a relationship of course you can I had sex on our first date with my last bf and our relationship lasted a year. What I mean is that the longer you wait the more attraction you get and it connects you in a way somehow.

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54 minutes ago, katmisj said:

I guess to be it’s a bit weird that sex plays such a big role in this. I see sex as having pleasure but also connecting with the person on a level you wouldn’t connect with just random people. So when I decided to have sex with him it was a mix of sexual desire but also feeling comfortable with him. I understand men usually view sex differently but it wasn’t just a random hook up either.

It's not that men view sex differently -my husband didn't when we decided to have sex - it's that you see it as connecting with someone beyond the physical act of intercourse -you felt comfortable with someone you barely knew having him inside you, risking pregnancy, STDs (es even if using protection) - there are many ways to "connect" with someone you're getting to know other than being sexually intimate -which does play a big role health-wise -you can go for a hike, bike somewhere together, go dancing, go experience live music or theater, give each other a massage that doesn't involve getting all naked with a near-stranger, etc. 

When you have intercourse early on you may be connecting on some other "level" and that person who doesn't know you well may simply be interesting in having an orgasm and intercourse -and you happen to be there. 

You'll know if you're connecting on perhaps a deeper or more meaningful level if you know the person well, if you've expressed your intentions towards each other and if you know his intentions as to why he wants to make love to you- not just sex.  Cerrtainly couples have sex because it's fun and pleasurable and why not - but your view of it as always being a way to "connect" is your view -you're entitled - but don't assume others feel that way, especially others you barely know.

Edited by Batya33
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5 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

A person sees how little it takes, and puts you into that category.

In no way do I mean this to sound harsh or mix metaphors, haha.  But we can put ourselves into low value category (my sad tale of woe was: In my single days long ago, I let some eat the sprinkles off the cake without committing to the whole cake) or keep ourselves in high value category (uh-huh mister, you aren't getting the keys to the Ferrari until you show me your serious stuff).  IDK I've read men like a mission and that you're not supposed to grant them any credit until the moment they do something that aligns with your systems.  YMMV.  In any case, have a good time, it is what it is, if you DO see him again make sure you do a public meeting, and have something important to YOU to do right after the public meeting.  That will put some energy back towards your rep.  High value women have lots of things to take care of and those things often trump whatever the potential mate's agenda may be.  Remember:  don't worry about whether or not he likes you, worry about whether or not YOU LIKE HIM.  Is he worthy?

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1 hour ago, DancingFool said:

Seriously, you need to take a big deep breath and chill out.....way chill out....and stop sabotaging yourself.

I'm wondering how this resonates with you, OP, as the instinct to sabotage something that's barely begun becomes more ripe in each of your posts. 

The idea that you might tell him to end it? Aside from that being the definition of game playing, it's creating a scenario that affirms one theory—that he's not into you, that he's going to hurt you, that you are a victim to his charms with no agency of your own, that you've collided with yet another player—and cutting off all other avenues for another theory.

Me, in your shoes right now? I'd ask him in one of your exchanges if he's still down to hang out on Saturday, and what he's thinking in terms of what to do, since it seems that's what you most want, which is all that really matters. His response will give you actual information, to see if your wants align. When Saturday comes around, you'll then get even more information on the nature of your alignment.

There is a chance that the information you get, at any of these stages, will sting. But that is dating, or learning the degree to which you do, or do not, align with someone else. 

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44 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

I'd ask him in one of your exchanges if he's still down to hang out on Saturday,

I agree with @bluecastlewith the exception of this. I suggest you don't ask him if he's down to "hang out" as that implies buddies or a casual sex romp. I would gear it more as a date since you said that's what you want. Not "wanna hang out at my place?" but more like "Do you want to go out to dinner and then maybe go to this cool jazz club I know about?"

And why wait until Friday, when it's likely that by the time Friday rolls around you'll be a ball of nerves and anxiety and doomsday predictions and defensiveness? Why not ask him today?

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7 hours ago, Coily said:

I have been on a few occasions just used for sex. I wanted a long term relationship, and these women just wanted a romp. It happens probably more than you want to know.

I remember having this convo with one of my guy friends a few years back and he was like "hell, Waffle, we men WISH women would use us for sex!  That's our dream come true."

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5 minutes ago, waffle said:

I remember having this convo with one of my guy friends a few years back and he was like "hell, Waffle, we men WISH women would use us for sex!  That's our dream come true."

Yes for sure some people feel like that about sex.  It makes life interesting, all the different healthy views on sex and its role. And it's also a typical kind of joke/half joke too. I remember having a conversation with a close male friend who declined to have sex with a pretty woman coming on to him -someone he knew who asked him to f__ her.  He didn't think it would be right or feel good and she was drunk on top of that.  

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3 hours ago, Rox22 said:

 

My ex is 33, I’m 28 and this guy is turning 24 next week so I get it’s totally different scenarios and life priorities, however no one chooses who you fall with. I’d say I’m looking for something long term but I definitely don’t want a relationship like it was with my ex, where there was love and respect but we just didn’t click on a lot of things and I felt miserable around him. I think a relationship has to be fun on top of everything and I had honest fun with this guy. 

 

And also not trying to be a feminist here but I think there’s a lot of misogyny implied in this whole sex thing. I view sex as part of the getting to know and having fun. If the sex is bad or the person is selfish in bed I think that kind of determines a few things, and if it’s good, it brings two closer together. I think it’s still a huge part of western culture that women have to play “hard to get” and let the guy chase when at the end what will determine long term successful relationships is compatibility, not how much you chased the other person. That’s why my ex and I ended and I had sex with him on the third date. I’ve had sex with men and didn’t want to hear from them anymore simply because I wasn’t interested in their personality. 

The sex itself for me might make me feel closer to the person and if it’s good (like it was with this guy), it’s obviously gonna intensify the feeling I have for him but it’s not going to be a factor that will cause me to fall in or out of love with the person itself. 

It’s all fun and games and jokes until you’re the one being used for sex so I think at the end of the day it’s just best to be honest, I wouldn’t mind getting rejected Id rather that then being confused about what’s going on. 

Also I wanted to wait on Friday so I don’t sound too desperate. I understand I have this urge to self sabotage relationships and I came here instead of going to him because I know I can get anxious and make scenarios in my head based on past experiences. But it’s really interesting to see how much this guy was so enamored by me only to not even reply my messages anymore for hours on. Lol

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1 hour ago, katmisj said:

Also I wanted to wait on Friday so I don’t sound too desperate.

If he called you today and asked you out on a date for this weekend would you say "no" because you'd view him as "desperate"?

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15 hours ago, smackie9 said:

It's the music, alcohol, exciting fun atmosphere that gets into the brain that makes one think/ everything is so amazing...being all pumped up...BUT when the music stops and the bright lights come on, sobering up, etc that energy/perspective dissipates. Been there done that. realizing hmmmmm this person isn't really who I made them out to be. 

bullseye! just let it go don't ponder over it sometimes it can get you weird responses, silence is always golden , lived through that experience and went looking for a response believe me its never good, leave it at that 🙂

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8 hours ago, katmisj said:

My ex is 33, I’m 28 and this guy is turning 24 next week . how much this guy was so enamored by me only to not even reply my messages anymore for hours on. 

Texting is not dating. There's a lot of myths here. Why can't you have sex, enjoy it, have fun and have a relationship?

Why is that all separate in your mind? 

While picking up horny college aged guys in bars isn't the best choice for something long term, it doesn't mean you can't have fun.

You don't seem ready to date seriously anyway. Most of what you're writing is about your conflicted feelings about your ex.

Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. That seems to be the case here.

A self-fulfilling prophecy. By picking up a kid in a bar, you convince yourself men are dogs who dump you after sex when he doesn't want to text all the time.

Take a break from dating.

 

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8 hours ago, katmisj said:

I wouldn’t mind getting rejected Id rather that then being confused about what’s going on. 

Frankly, I think most people would agree with you. 

8 hours ago, katmisj said:

But it’s really interesting to see how much this guy was so enamored by me only to not even reply my messages anymore for hours on. Lol

Just one more thing to add to your list of relationship experiences! There are all types of people out there.

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9 hours ago, katmisj said:

however no one chooses who you fall with. I

You choose who you choose to be with whatever you feel. You might fall in love with a married person - in some love at first sight thing -but you choose not to pursue.  You do choose how deeply attached to get to someone -it's head and heart in relationships -or it should be.

Edited by Batya33
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9 hours ago, katmisj said:

nd also not trying to be a feminist here but I think there’s a lot of misogyny implied in this whole sex thing. I view sex as part of the getting to know and having fun. If the sex is bad or the person is selfish in bed I think that kind of determines a few things, and if it’s good, it brings two closer together. I

Yes but if you have intercourse with a stranger it's out of context and the first time might come across as selfish or awkward or just bad but when you start out with a foundation of love, trust, respect, knowing each other the first time often is far different and even if it's bad you have that strong foundation and you work on it.  I don't think intercourse brings people closer together emotionally if they don't already know each other well -it can enhance the closeness that is there.

I think you should find someone who feels as you do about sex - I met a number of men who wanted to test drive/audition me in bed based on how you see sex -meaning - how it is will be an indicator whether you know the person or are in love with the person or even like the person - and I didn't allow it and moved on. 

The best sex I ever had -from a "technical" standpoint -was when I was engaged and actually the most fun was when we were trying to conceive.  You see intercourse as a way to test out whether the person is good in bed according to you and you see it as an indicator of how they will treat you as a person even if you don't know each other well.  That's fairly specific (as were my standards and opinions) so I suggest -I did the same -find someone who sees sex as something fun to do with a new person but also to get to know the person in the ways that count.

  My friend had that view -she wanted to test out the man ASAP.  She had sex with her future husband right away.  She was over the moon.  He was really hot and sexy and older than she was.  Their wedding was beautiful, fairy tale -their chemistry and passion through the roof.  They had two kids  who are teenagers. They separated some years ago in part because he wouldn't stop looking at porn constantly.  And because they came from very different worlds and didn't get along.  And I know of another marriage where they had sex the first night they met (at a bar, so did my friend -a bar) and I believe all these years later they're happy together.

It's not misogyny to me but I knew abortion was fine but likely not for me other than in extreme life/death circumstances plus I grew up during the AIDS epidemic -I was 20 when it started getting bad (I was a virgin still) -so my choices about casual sex were informed by that but mostly the thought of having sex with someone where we weren't in love and serious and knew each other very well - ick ick ick.  I wouldn't feel free to be myself in bed and would feel gross.  No fun. But when I was closer to your age- younger - I thought casual sex could be exciting.  Glad I didn't try it though. 

You do you but find someone who feels as you do.  

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8 hours ago, boltnrun said:

If he called you today and asked you out on a date for this weekend would you say "no" because you'd view him as "desperate"?

I don't understand the thought process here -you had sex with him right away but now you want to play all coy and make sure he "pursues" you or not call him right away so you don't seem needy? Hasn't that ship sailed?

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Lots of lessons here, OP. You jumped in before being really sure.  You also have the baggage of being recently out of a relationship.

Dating itself without sex is confusing and a lot to process when you're just out of a relationship. 

Making assumptions and not confirming what sex actually means for the other person etc are risks. 

Put this all together and you get yourself into a tizzy.

At this point, Thursday... I see no harm in reaching out about the date Saturday. 

If he is a player and just wanted sex, try to remember that makes him a bad candidate for a relationship and overrides any connection you thought you had.  

In the future, be a better friend to yourself and don't allow yourself to get wrapped up in the moment.  Remember you are responsible for you. your feelings, your body, your heart and to deal with the results of what you allow to happen.

So in that respect, it makes no difference what your ex did in the past or what other guys have done. 

It's like driving. you pass many cars in traffic. One unfortunate day someone hits your car. Do you get out of your car and say, "none of the other cars hit me!"

Every person is their own person.  As others have said you have to get to know them first. Or run the risk of feeling as you do now. 

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2 hours ago, Lambert said:

If he is a player and just wanted sex, try to remember that makes him a bad candidate for a relationship and overrides any connection you thought you had.  

I don't think that would necessarily make him a player. I see that she told him her general goals but her actions were to get drunk and have sex with him -and she says she consented and enjoyed it and likes to have sex as a way to get to know someone.  She didn't promise any kind of serious relationship either and as she put it -if the sex is bad or the person acts selfishly she's likely not going to see the person again despite looking for something serious.  So then she'd be a player too?  I just don't like the labeling of people as players just because they go on a date and don't want another date, just because the date including sex.

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You are jumping to conclusions and making all sorts of assumptions.

I've got friends who slept with their then boyfriends the first time they met. Their relationships lasted for a very long time. My point: Sleeping with someone on a first date doesn't make you 'desperate'. It does, however, make it more difficult to weed out men who are interested in you for more than sex.

Whilst your fears are totally valid, aim to have them under control. A positive, uplifting attitude is more likely to delight him, whereas quizzing him about intentions will most likely make him run for the hills.

I'd say if you really like this guy—wait for Saturday. Enjoy the date, be your best and look your best. You've got this! 🙂

 

Edited by greendots
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23 hours ago, Batya33 said:

having a conversation with a close male friend who declined to have sex with a pretty woman coming on to him -someone he knew who asked him to f__ her.  He didn't think it would be right or feel good and she was drunk on top of that.  

Yah that would be a guy to be respected.  That is high value.  He knew he could eat the sprinkles off the cake with impunity - but:  right answer is "no, I would ruin it for me, for her, for others to come."  What a good person.

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