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Everything posted by katmisj

  1. Thank you for all the replies. I guess I should give some more details into this. The girl I was insecure about was a girl he used to talk to who had just bought a house and posted about it. My boyfriend always talks about making big money, buying a big house, traveling etc and it made me feel a bit self conscious because I'm a little bit different than that. I came from a good financial family background but at the same time I'm very detached to material things in general and I'm more of a nature/minimalist/enjoy the moment kind of person and looking at that made me feel just bad in general, as in like "hm maybe he wants to be with her because she's more money driven than me". And I know it's silly and I know social media doesn't mean much but I really am working hard on trying to and in no means it comes from a place where I want to "abuse" him or make him feel bad, I would legit never do that to someone on purpose. If anything, I'm the one that's suffering from my own choices and thoughts. I really did realize that I have to stop worrying about the future and live in the moment. I can't control anything, but sometimes it becomes overwhelming. I went from this girl who didn't really care much and though so well of myself to someone who's always looking up to him and looking down on me. As if I'm not good enough to be with someone so good as him. My therapist always advises me to keep looking for these intrusive thoughts and look for actual evidence that proves what I think instead of believing in what I feel and think. She's a sweetheart and I've been with her for almost a year, but I do agree that I'm the one who has to do the work. There's only so much one can say and do.
  2. After so many toxic and abusive relationships with men in my life, I finally found a guy whom I adore and treats me like a queen. When we first met, it took me a few months to let my guard down. I had just left an extremely confusing and toxic relationship with someone I loved more than myself and was still recovering. But he was patient, kind and always understanding. If one thing I've always felt with this guy, was safety. Later on we decided we were going to be in a relationship with each other. He gives me NO reason do distrust him, has always been clear as to what he wants with me, always talks about a future together, doesn't follow a lot of people on social media, isn't very active there either, has few friends and is a very discreet person in general. Everything he can do in order for me to feel less anxious and safe, he does. My ex: used to follow tons of girls on insta, would like all of their pictures, would secretly DM them, every fight we had he would chat to other girls on dating apps and it would show on his phone and would always hide our relationship to others. It was fair to say he fuelled my insecurities and obviously didn't make me feel safe at all. That, added to all my unhealthy relationships in the past made me have a hard time accepting genuine love and kindness, and I'm very distrustful of people in general. This past week my partner and I were fighting a lot and I realised I was once again losing myself and becoming co-dependent on the person. I was once again throwing all my past trauma into someone who for the first time in my life, isn't out there to get me. I got overly sensitive of him liking a girl's picture and talked to him about it and he said: "why do you think so little of yourself? Why do you think some other girl is better than you and I'd leave you for her? I chose to be with you and you're the one I want to be with". He also said "the girl I met was this confident girl who thought so well of herself." And I really did, I was this confident girl who knew what she brought to the relationship. But as time went on, the thoughts became "why would he want to be with you? Why out of all the girls would he choose someone who's not even that cool/successful/pretty etc?" I don't want to lose this guy because of my insecurities, but most of all, I don't want to lose myself. I feel like my last relationship was a wake up call, to understand what I deserve and what I don't, to be happy and that I don't need to be micro managing and acting like a crazy, paranoid person trying to control what my partner does in fear of losing him. Because well, if he does, it's his loss. (kind of a cliche joke but I still believe it's true) Also a little summary on my life background: I grew up in a dysfunctional home. My mom was (she became someone really sweet and loving after I moved out) a narcissist, and my life was extremely difficult, emotional and depressive from my pre-teens to my young adulthood. I ended up in lots of toxic relationships, settling for anything a little bit better than the lack of love I received inside my house. My last relationship was the wake up call I needed to realize I have to put an end to this fear of abandonment and anxious attachment style I carry. And yes, I am in therapy and I try to take care of myself in general, but my god, sometimes I just feel hostage inside my own head. I would just like some kind of advice as to how I could deal with this on a day to day basis, how I can build up my self-esteem and not feel like I'm not worthy of love. I really feel like I'm at a point in my life where I've had enough of years of toxic relationships and I legit just want to have a calm, healthy and nice relationship with someone.
  3. Thank you all for the replies. I feel a bit hopeless atm. I’m not as bad as I was before. I’ve realized I’m not crying as much. But I feel like a failure. When I look around, my friends are either in good relationships, happily single or starting something with someone. The only one friend that was in a similar situation as mine, her ex “realized” what he had lost and asked her to marry her. I’ve never had guys change their mind and realize they lost me, yet I see this happening all the time. Surely something must be wrong with me? After 27 years and a few failed relationships, I just wanted peace of mind. I realized with my ex, I felt special, I felt like I was this cool person to be around. When he left, I realized I’m not that great after all. I didn’t want to be going through this “growth experience”, I didn’t want to be looking around at everyone stabilizing their lives while I’ve never got a single shot at being happy with someone. Everything it’s always “you’ll become better for the next person”, but I’m tired. Hell, I’m exhausted! I don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night with anxiety attacks picturing him sleeping with another girl. I don’t want to keep ruminating about how I could’ve done things differently. I just wanted peace and happiness, I just wanted to once feel like I matter to someone. I’m tired of learning my lesson with toxic guys. Everyone I talk to says I dodged a bullet. Oh great, I fell in love with a jerk now I get to go on this self love journey which is extremely painful while he gets to love his life happily as if nothing happened. The last time we spoke I told him I feel like I won’t be able to trust anyone after what he did, he said he wouldn’t leave and he did and it’s not fair that I got hurt. And this is what he replied: “Do you think the world is a fair place? There’s people killing, robbing, the world isn’t fair and you have to accept that you trusted me because you wanted to but that doesn’t mean that you could”. I felt a bit speechless after this. But it’s true, if you’re a good person, that doesn’t mean things are gonna turn out good for you, if anything, it’ll turn out better for the one who hurt you. I attract toxic people, I attract people that I always care more about in the end. I feel empty inside and haven’t felt anywhere near happy in a long time. I lost my job and am working emptying bins at an aged care on weekend mornings so I have some sort of income, while he’s at his house probably sleeping with someone else. I’m far far from happy. I’ve lost the eagerness for life that I used to have before this relationship. I don’t want this to be a pity party and I’m not desperately looking for my soulmate, but after so many failed relationships I feel like I’ve suffered enough, either be happy or never get into a relationship again if it means going through this hell again.
  4. All I wanted was for him to say "hey, let's put the past behind us and learn with our mistakes and make it work together." I'd go in a heartbeat. But guess life isn't that way hey.
  5. My relationship ended two months ago. We were on and off, spending weekends together but he said he wasn't sure he wanted to get back together. It was hell for me. Yesterday we saw each other because I had to grab a few things at his house, and I was a complete mess. Crying, begging, and the way he looked at me as if he despised me. It hurt so much. He said when we're not together he doesn't miss me anymore but when he sees me it messes with this feelings but he's still sure about this decision. He says he wants us to be happy, and together we are not. We have great chemistry, connection but hard time understanding each other. If I could quickly describe it I'd say it's anxious-avoidant attachment relationship, me being the anxious one. I feel depressed still. Like I lost someone great because of my insecurities and lack of self love. I know I can't go back to the past and change it. I know I have to learn from my mistakes, but I feel like I will always, always regret what it would've been like if had had more patience with each other, if he had believed in me that now I understand he did love me and that I wouldn't be as insecure as before. If he hadn't given up on us so easily. We had this very quick and intense relationship where the expectations for both were high and the crash was hard. But we still loved each other. But I did love him more. I know that for sure. I feel like I hate myself. I hate who I've become, I hate getting to being a 27 year old grown as* woman with a bunch of trauma and insecurities. Looking around and feeling I'm the only one that can't keep someone beside, feeling like I'm not worthy of being understood. I don't want to be "better" for the next guy and him to be better for the next woman. I wanted us to be better for us. I know I'll never fall in love this intensely and deep for anyone again. Nor do I want to. It ruined me, hurt me in so many ways I can't even describe here. My soul hurts, my heart hurts, and living with regret... I just wish I could go back in time and not spent so much time bickering about little things that didn't matter. Because now I'm here, without him. I lost the love of my life and I'm never gonna forgive myself for this.
  6. I just feel like in general my head goes over and over questions as if I'm getting to an answer in which my brain will say: A-ha! You finally found the reason he's not worth it, now you can get over him. When in fact, I still see if he's online on whatsapp, wonder who he might me talking or what he's doing, whereas he's probably already happy with someone else and not even taking a minute to think about me. I just feel so frustrated with all of this. We only dated for four months. F O U R. And it was by far the most intense and caring relationship I've had in all of my life. I remember the last time I felt this sh*tty about a BU was 6 years ago. After that, I've had a few relationships here and there but always picked myself up and went on with it. I feel like this is some sick joke on me as to how someone just came into my life, turned it upside down and left. Yes, we had our differences, yes I did like going out more than he did, but I truly did not mind spending most of our time at home, having wine and such, I just would always say how I wished we'd go out more, to dinner and stuff, but that was it, I just wanted a little more understanding on his part. After our BU, the two weekends he went to parties with his friends. Like WTH? Why when I asked to got to the beach even I'd have to beg, but we break up and your friends don't even have to convince you to go to a party (which was something that I also had to ask and he'd throw it in my face afterwards that he did this, this and that for me) Also I felt really uncomfortable as how he always didn't want to post anything with me, but would post selfies, stories with friends. The only time he tagged me on a stories, a few girls came to see my profile, when I went to look at their profiles and see who they were, my ex was liking ALL of their pictures. These were clearly girls that he had hooked up with or had intention to before we dated. I would express how that bothered me a bit, especially when he'd like girls in bikinis that he knew but hated that I wore skirts or a little bit of cleavage (hypocrite much?). But nothing that would turn into a fight, I would just say that it bothered me and he still didn't stop. I always felt that every time I said something I didn't like about him or wished was different, he'd act so surprised as if God forbid he had any flaws or would say like "none of my exes complained about that". I just felt bad sometimes. I think it's kind of funny that even a relationship I had in high school lasted more than this in where a guy said he wanted to live with me, he wanted to build a life with me and yet didn't even have the patience to work out our differences or communicate his needs clearly. Didn't even give it TIME. Just assumed we were too different yet he was always the one saying we needed to have communication but we never really did. I think if this were a LTR, the healing would be more rational, like "ok, we really didn't work out after trying for so long". I just feel like this guy came into my life and said so many things and then left so quickly and it just taught me not to trust anyone even when they tell you you can. Oh this is hell haha my mind never stops and I needed to vent a bit, sorry.
  7. I did go to the doctor, did and exam and started taking anti-acid for my stomach. It has been getting better. I've never been such a mess in my whole life 😞
  8. It is so hard! Especially because I was insecure in the beginning after I fell for him from past traumas. People that have lied and cheated on me left me with insecurities and I was seeking for approval and security from him. Which he gave me, but later on he started getting annoyed by small things I did. With time I felt like he was so tired of our differences that things such as me moving during my sleep would wake him up and make him angry at me the next morning. I'd tell him I wished we'd go out more, that I wanted to go on a trip with him or simply just go to the beach etc. And he would do it every once in a while, but it was never because HE wanted it. If it were on him, we'd stay most if not all days at home, watching TV etc, which wasn't bad, I did enjoy spending time at home with him, just felt like I wanted to create more memories outside the house. Apart from that, we had poor communication when we weren't together. Very little interaction on whatsapp, which I ended up getting used to because I knew he was like that with friends and family as well, but I would get a bit of anxiety when we weren't together because I knew we'd barely speak to each other. But when we were together, he dedicated 100% of his time for me. I keep blaming myself that I drove him away, that I should've played "hard to get" or maybe not have been so insecure and not given all of myself in the moments that I felt I was losing him. But I just couldn't, I still can't. I woke up today and started crying like a baby. We texted each other last night and he said he thinks about me all the time but can't deal with my "anxious way". I've read about attachment styles and he's very much on the avoidant side, every in it describes how he is. It's so hard to handle and understand! Also, how can one still like you even after a month of the BU and say they can't be with you. How does he not miss me as much as I miss him? I feel very lost in the sense that I'd take him back in a heartbeat. There's no doubt I would. I used to be such a strong positive person and now all I can focus on is how he'll probably find someone else and be happy with that person and how it'll probably take me ages to even get over him.
  9. I've thought about this. One thing he always used to do, was say how wonderful I was, how he knew I had given my all into the relationship but he couldn't "handle me". I felt like he always gave me this kind of approval that I was a good person, just not good enough for him, or to be with him. Only if I wasn't so anxious, only if I could wait, only if I accepted things the way he thought I had to accept, then I would be good for him. This also contributed to me feeling worthless, unloved. To be honest, I'm still there, haven't been able to think anything other than wishing I was "good enough" for him.
  10. He lives with a housemate but has his own bedroom. We'd spend all the weekends at his house because we both liked it better. I also live with two housemates. We're both from Brazil but live in Australia, so adds to also feeling alone time to time, away from family and home which I guess makes it even harder to "let go" and be on my own again. I felt like I could "save" him so many times. As if I had the ability to just make him see how good we could be together and our potential. At points I felt like my best wasn't nearly as good as he expected or wanted.
  11. Ok so I'll try to make this as short as I can lol I haven't posted here in a looong time, Not Alone used to be my comfort place a few years ago when I went through issues, specially relationship wise. I'm 27 now and I used to come here a lot when I was around 22, and after that I started becoming more emotionally stable, got to know myself better. But after all of these years, I feel like I need to reach out again. I recently went through a break up that messed me up bad. This man came into my life when I wasn't looking for anyone and we instantly fell in love and didn't go a day without seeing or talking to each other. I had given up on love, or feeling in love. But he was all I wanted, he was caring, we had amazing chemistry, it was like I'd known him for years. I won't get into all details because it'll take to long, but during the relationship, he showed love his own way. There were nights we'd stay in his room just looking at each other, listening to music, it was something out of this world what I felt for this man. He's very attractive and we just clicked from day one. We made it clear that we hadn't felt that way about someone in a really long time. It was real, heck, I know he really liked me. He said he wanted us to eventually move in together, I'd cook, do home chores together, I helped him out with some issues in his life. It wasn't perfect, but I wanted him with all of his flaws included. But we ended up having our differences, he was a bit on the selfish side, I felt like I was sometimes walking on eggshells so I wouldn't upset him, and I felt like the love he had for me would be measured by the amount of good things I could do to keep the relationship "stable". We had a lot of disagreements, but I always felt like communication was hard with him, so it wasn't the differences itself, but just how I felt like he didn't put enough effort to understand my needs. I felt a bit unsupported when I talked about my career as a DJ and he would feel uncomfortable with the clothes I wear (I like skirts and tank tops but not too revealing just like feeling good about myself), he never really felt excited about us doing any activities together (nature, trips, eating out etc) and always felt comfortable just staying at home all the time. I also felt a weird vibe when he said he broke up with his last ex because he stopped liking her out of the blue and most of his relationships ended on bad terms, but he wasn't the type of guy that would say his exes are crazy. Our break up was bad, lots of disrespect on his part, our post break up was even worse. We broke up because he'd say we're "too different". He would also say that he's not good in the head, that he's got issues and traumas he doesn't fully understand and went from a guy who would give me all of his love to someone who became emotionally unavailable. Communication that was bad turned into awful by me left talking alone a bunch of times or with short responses. He reached out to me afterwards, missing me and we ended up sleeping together which just made it an even bigger mess. He would tell me we weren't in a relationship and yet we'd still talk but only when he wanted and how he wanted. I was told not to create expectations and this resulted in my doing silly things such as begging, trying to convince him we're good together and send him videos and texts of psychology and how we could work on ourselves. I keep picturing him "being better" with someone else, him saying sweet things and taking care of someone else. I keep wishing he would realize we're good together and miss our good moments enough. He would say with tears in his eyes that he loved me but we couldn't be together. And now, everything feels... the same. Nothing makes me happy, meditation only serves to calm me down instead of bringing me peace as before, I don't feel the excitement for the weekend to start or to go out and meet someone. Hell, I barely even feel like going out dancing which used to be my number one therapy. I'm a DJ and work with music as well. I take care of myself, try to eat healthy food, do skin care, sleep a good amount of hours. But I've been drinking a lot and recently went back to smoking as well. I had a lot of nervous breakdowns which resulted in me vomiting blood one day from having such a bad stomach gastritis due to my unstable emotions. I just really lack motivation to... live. I go day by day just with no excitement for anything. I wake up, go to work, shower, watch movies, talk to friends... but I'm always sad. I'm always on the verge of crying. I used to be such a positive person, so empowered, but now sometimes getting out of bed and doing normal things seems like such a huge effort. I get anxiety all the time as well. I go out on the weekend with friends and head back home crying because I miss him. Every.f*cking.time. It's exhausting. I went on a date that I forced myself to go to last week, just to see how I felt. It was fun, lots of laughs and made me forget a little about my ex, but would still look at the guy and wish it were him every hour or so. I know a person shouldn't have control over my emotions, I know I'm not responsible for other people's actions, I know that if he loved me, he would be with me, I know I "deserve better". I rationally know all of these things, but at the end of the day, I cry because I miss him. I cry because in all of these 27 years, I've never felt such intense love for someone. All I wanted was to build a life with him, I felt so comfortable with him. This scares me because all of my past BUs, I'd be sad for a week or two and definitely move on and be happy again. But with him, I just can't, it's like this thing has control over me. I just wished I'd never met him at all. It made my life grim and I feel like the learning experiences aren't worth the hurt I'm feeling. Why am I so attached to this? What is going on with my mind? I feel like I don't even know myself at all and it hurts. P.S.: I have also been going to therapy, have been for a few months now.
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