katmisj

I'm expecting around Friday, since we agreed on catching up Saturday. I think Friday would be a good day to just sort it out so I can also plan my weekend as well. I remember he'd say before "I can't wait to see you again" etc, and now he's just very meh. I think I wouldn't be very happy with Netflix and chill, I'd actually would rather go on a date, wherever it is. We can finish at my house but I feel like it's soon to have the relationship talk but also not too soon because I don't want to waste my time? I don't mind having something casual with a man, but I don't want something casual with someone I might develop feelings for, which is the case with him. I also feel like if you show you have feelings for someone you're being desperate and needy. My ex was like this in the beginning and I thought it was sweet and made it very clear what he wanted. No games, nothing. It was easy to deal with and I guess getting back into dating makes me bored with these situations where I feel like it's easier to figure out Rubik's cube than what is going on through a person's mind.

I was going to reply to a few topics but I'll just respond in general. I was fully honest with him from the start. I told him I am eventually looking for a relationship (not necessarily with him), but I do have the desire to have a family and children someday. I'm not afraid of being honest. I'm not afraid of telling him the truth. My ex was like this from the start and I learned a lot from him. I am not 20 anymore, I don't like playing games, it's a waste of everyone's time. We didn't talk about us or where we were heading but he did go on about how he still wanted to spend the next weekend (this one that will come) with me and how he wanted to go to different restaurants with me etc. It's not like he acted as if we were never seeing each other again. I know he might have said that to "be nice" or to have sex with me, but it's just not what it seemed like. I would even say even I don't think I want to see him again because I was so happy over the fun time we had that I thought it was legit and know I just feel a bit silly for giving into sex thinking this guy was actually into me, my personality and my tastes since we did get along and have a lot in common. I understand he might be a bit wary of me coming out of a relationship but then if that was the case he would've just dropped it the moment I met him and told him about it, but instead he went on for almost a month, he seemed interested in getting to know me, but now looking back I just feel like he was infatuated by an older woman who's a DJ and producer and is into arts and music like him. I had a guy once who spent almost 3 months talking to me everyday, asking about my life etc, the moment I went to his house and slept with him, the next day he messaged me and then ghosted me. At least this guy didn't ghost me and he seems like a deep down nice person in general but I wouldn't say I would be surprised if he did after experiences I've had with men. And yes in a way it does make me miss my ex. Because he was the only one serious about me, I'd say in my whole entire life to be honest. He was the real deal, he wanted to have a family and have a future. Unfortunately, he seemed to have fallen out of love of me as I desperately tried to keep the relationship together and now things have changed. Getting back into dating is reminding me a good person I lost but also frustrating when I meet someone I feel a connection with and feel like this person is really into me, they're just "using" me. I thought having fun together and connecting would be an indicator or a good relationship start, or at least that you want to get to know the person more. To be honest, the fact that I came here and wrote about this already takes the fun out of it. With my ex, I had no doubt he wanted to be with me, I didn't have to write any long texts. I just knew. And now I'm actually questioning if I want to continue something that already makes me feel uneasy and the answer is probably no no matter how much of a good time I had. I guess it's just really really hard to find someone you connect with and when you do and the person doesn't feel the same way it's a bit demotivating. Ah well...

I wouldn't say I like the chase because I've had quite a few men "chase" me and I'd turn them down mostly because I had no interest. I'd say in the last 2 years there were only 3 men which I was interested in (including this guy from the post) apart from my ex. All the other ones were casual or either they wanted more and I didn't, to which I have always been honest about. It's just, this guy just made me feel different. I am an electronic music DJ. The day we met, I was playing at this venue and after I played, my friends were playing and me and him just chatted for maybe 3,4 hours straight and it was really fun. He texted me later saying "I had such an amazing time with you I can't explain". We didn't kiss or anything but there was just a lot of sexual tension between us and just a full on connection. He likes dancing, painting, talking about finances, Japanese movies, we have so so so many things in common (I know that means "nothing"), but I think it made both of us infatuated. His style and the things he likes... just something about him got to me. Unlike 95% of the men I hang out with. And it made me feel those silly "butterflies in my stomach". BUT, I do know that this means nothing. I've had intense relationships in my life and they meant "nothing" as they didn't last, but obvisouly I wanted to give this a go. On the night we had sex, we were sober, we were just laying down watching a movie and it happened... he kept saying how he wanted to meet up later and when we kissed goodbye he said "So, I'll see you this Saturday?" which I agreed to. So technically, we have another date sorted for this weekend. But I noticed how distant he is and now I'm just feeling a bit disappointed. I had sex on my third date with my ex, the next day he was there. And the next one. And the next one. And that lasted for almost a year, and I know that if I call my ex up he'll be there for me. He was the most amazing guy I've ever been with but we just weren't compatible. And this whole ordeal makes me miss him because with him I didn't have this. It was straight to the point. He wanted something serious and he wasn't messing around. Now with this guy I don't even know if I should just tell him not to see each other again. Something I felt with this guy I didn't feel with my ex. We'd cry-laugh at silly things, we actually had a fun time. We cooked dinner together... It was quite romantic. I guess he doesn't owe me anything, but I remember him telling me he didn't want to be led on if I was emotionally involved with someone else, why would someone say that if he only wanted sex? I feel like nowadays, in dating, you can't just be fully yourself sometimes. I was just myself. I had fun, had sex, got drunk, made food, watched a movie and I had a great time. I held off sex until I could because I was scared I wouldn't see him again but I also craved it and gave in at a certain point. But it does make me question the legitimacy of these moments. Was I the only one having fun? Did I do something wrong? I guess I just have to let him know that I don't want this to continue as something casual because I know I'll get hurt. I feel very frustrated. Not because I was looking for a relationship. I wasn't expecting this guy at all. Usually the men I meet cause nothing in me. He did... argh

I was at a bar last month and this guy, who is 4 years younger than me (I usually date older men) came up to me and we started chatting. We honestly had the best time, we chatted for hours to no end, we had so much in common and there was certainly chemistry and physical attraction. I told him I had just gotten back together with my ex and I had to respect him and backed off a bit. But for some reason I couldn't stop thinking about him and decided to let my ex go, our relationship was already on its end and it was for the best. Both of us actually made the decision. We loved each other but were miserable as a couple and he no longer wanted to put in the effort to make it work. This guy then spent lots of time pursuing me, chatting to me, being funny and I felt something different there. Usually when guys hit on me, 90% of the time I don't care. But I did with him. I had such a fun time that night and I wanted more. He has this feminine, artistic, musical side to him which I love and connects with me in such a way I didn't have with my ex boyfriend at all. My ex and I broke up and told him I wanted to see him, and so we did. We met over the weekend and spent an amazing time drinking, dancing, chatting and then on the last day we slept together and we had sex and I just felt like we clicked. I felt ALIVE, like I hadn't felt in a long time. I legit just had the best time ever. I told him I didn't want to have sex with him on the first dates and he respected me. I did have a feeling that after sleeping together he would be distant. But we did agree on catching up again soon. When we woke up he left my house, he said: I can't wait to see you again on Saturday. (this Saturday that will be coming) And then the next day he didn't text me... but that was ok, we don't have anything so kind of expected. On the second day I posted something on instagram and he replied, and I thought that would be the start of a new convo and I tried interacting and making questions a bit, but he was really bland and cold. Whereas before he would always try to be funny, chat and get to know me. The sexual tension certainly died down, I really wanted to have sex with him and after that I felt less "curious", but I still have interest in getting to know him more. Please don't take this as a desperate post or that I'm crazy to be in a relationship again. I know I wasn't "seeing" things. We did have chemistry and I am also happy to begin this journey being single as I feel like I haven't taken care of myself these past months but I also had a good time with this guy and even though he might not have felt the same, which is fine, it's still confusing that he'd want to see me again but kind of be short and distant during the week. This might just be a classical case of him lusting or idealising someone. I'm 28, I've had all types of relationships, from intense, to love-bombing, to slow and calm, to just sex... I know not to get my hopes up or idealize anything, but he came out as this guy who said he didn't want to be led on if I was with someone else when I told him about my ex so to me it didn't seem like he just wanted sex. But since I was fully honest with him about my ex partner etc I was expecting him to be honest as well? Like why reach out if you have no intention of talking to me anymore or seeing me? Or maybe be honest and say you don't want to see me anymore? Lol I know I'm overthinking. I don't show that to him at all, but I do feel a bit bad because I'm wondering if I did anything wrong that made him distant... I don't know if I should just wait a few days and ask if he actually wants to meet up and then if he doesn't maybe I'll just say that it's best to end it here because I don't want to get hurt. It's been a month since we know each other, I don't want to linger on something that might just hurt me.

This has been happening for so many years now. I just never really thought of it as an issue. When I was younger I used to party a LOT. Literally going out 3, 4 days a week, sometimes everyday. My family has a good financial background and unfortunately my parents gave me a lot of comfort when I was younger and since they went through poverty when they were younger they felt like they wanted to give me everything. I'm very grateful for it, but I also feel like it made me very accommodated. Anyway, this is just a little background on me. But when I used to go out, I used a lot of drugs, I was always out of my mind, dancing, and I don't regret it because I had lots of fun and it made me jump into my music career which is my true passion. But at the same time, I came to realisation that I was constantly "busy". I was either working crazy from Monday to Friday, or I was spending my time partying Friday to Sunday. I never really had time on my own. Then COVID came. And the first year of it was really chill for me. Anxiety levels were low and I had a great time with my housemates at home doing lockdown for months (I live in Melbourne and we endured the longest lockdown in the world). But then I went through a toxic relationship last year and it destroyed me mentally. Ever since then, I've never been the same. I'm now 28 and I'd say I'm pretty financially stable and responsible, I'm very dedicated and hard working, but every time I feel anxious, I drink. And it's not just a glass of wine. It's a whole bottle of wine. Three, four times a week. Whenever I feel anxious it's like my brain sets an alarm off and I sprint to the bottle shop which is just across the road and bam, I'm numb and no longer feeling sad (or so I think). Honestly I feel so weak and I wish I could fight my demons without having to resort to alcohol. I quit drugs because I feel like they damage my mental health. But when I used to do drugs, I didn't drink, so I can't help but think this is just me continuing my addiction and running away from my mind and problems. I feel ashamed admitting this and I've only talked to one friend about this because she's not judgemental at all, but I feel very alone and hopeless in this. I'm very unhappy in general, I've had many failed romantic relationships, I've been physically and mentally abused and I've been through a lot of issues in life. Deep down I just wanted to find a partner to settle down with a have a peaceful happy life but I feel like I also shouldn't resort to that as my source of happiness. I want to quit drinking but I feel like if I do, I'll have to face my own sadness, and I don't want to feel sad anymore.

It's starting to bother me when I look around and see my friends having boundaries, my exes being firm on their word whilst I stay even in unhappy relationships because I don't think I can do better and out of fear of being alone. Or pushing people away because I think I don't deserve any good. I've had a streak of failed and toxic/abusive relationships in my life, a lot of my exes have moved on and are happily married/with kids whilst I'm stuck in the same cycle. I always see these stories where girls stay in relationships for years and then break up with the guy because she knows her worth and I've never been that kind of girl. I've always been the one that gets dumped, the one that gets stepped over on and left, and honestly gets me questioning if I'm even worth of being with someone. The last boyfriend I had treated me well but my insecurities pushed him away and we ended up having other issues and he broke up with me on New Years. We're still in touch but not as a couple anymore, and we decided to go on a break but I feel miserable. I miss him and I wish we'd get back together but he says he wasn't happy a lot of the times. But at the same time, I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to play the victim and feel like there's no way out. I want to change, I want to put myself first. I just don't know how. Every time I fall into this trap where I feel like I have to earn, chase and beg for love, because if I don't, I'll be alone. But I end up alone anyway no matter what I do. When I was younger, I went through this but it was easier to move on. I went to parties, went out with friends, was constantly going out or working, didn't really have a lot of free time to stop and think. I think I just numbed myself to any issues. Now at 28, I've gotten bored of long parties and have become more introspective and also having to face my issues without burying myself in music, drugs and alcohol. It's been hard. I'm going to therapy as well, but I feel like I'm not really making any progress, not because of her because she's great but because I am an extremely sensitive and emotional person, with anxiety issues as well... Tips and advices would be great.

We broke up 7 months ago and met up 2 weeks ago, had this intense talk about ourselves and sex and then afterwards he didn't really want to chat about wether we'd get together or not and simply left me on read and never replied again. There's not a single day I don't think about this guy, but after he ghosted me I just felt like a weight fell off my shoulders. I felt happy again. I felt energised, inspired. My boyfriend and I ended up chatting and getting back together and our relationship has been better than ever, I feel like I improved a lot and we have just been getting along so well. I'm happy at work, happy with friends, been going to the gym, eating healthy. Just investing in myself and I felt after so many months that I could finally have a go at being happy again. Until today. Today I went to the beach, where I live it's been cold for months and today was really hot and sunny. I was so excited, finally some sun. I went after work and spent around 4 hours there, alone, grabbed some food, slept under the sun. I had plans to go to the gym later, do prep meal for the week, take a nice shower and see my boyfriend. Today started thinking about my ex a lot (nothing unusual just more frequent than most days). I'd just get flashes of these moments we had. Hot summer days sitting on his garden smoking and chatting for hours to no end, going grocery shopping, cooking together, singing, dancing. All simple things but a feeling I've never felt around anyone. Anything with this man was exciting. He felt like home to me. As I left the beach and went to cross the road, he comes in my direction with a friend. Out of all places, time and people, it just had to be him right there and then. He came up to me and I teased him because he was in work clothes and really dirty (he works at a warehouse) and then instantly shut down again. He asked if I was leaving the beach which I nervously replied "no I'm grabbing something to eat" - which I later realised was my subconscious saying "No, I'll still be around, wanna catch up later?". And then he asked how I was doing. I just answered "I'm doing ok, I need to use the toilet" and walked away from him and he left as well. But he's just so calm and nice and he has a way of saying things that just sent shivers up my spine. I felt so bad later because I felt like I was a bit rude to him and wanted to send an apology message but I just wanted to get away because I feel weak around him. I walked to the tram to go home and started crying. Cried all the way home. Apetite? Gone. Gym? No energy. Didn't meal prep and didn't even make dinner. Spent an hour in the shower crying, bawling. My eyes are puffy and my throat hurts. It just ruined my f*cking day. Sucked my energy. How can he be ok? How dare him ask me if I'm ok? Sometimes I wish he would just hate me. But seeing him genuinely caring about me just kills me. Isn't it sad that he's happy to watch the sunset at the beach with his friends when I secretly wish it was me and him? I guess before we met after 6 months apart, it still had that feeling that "someday we might get back together", but after he ghosted me 2 weeks ago, I realised we are never. And today was the proof of it. He doesn't love me. He doesn't want me. Surely he cares about me, I can see it in his eyes. But not enough to want to spend the sunset with me. Not enough to be afraid of losing me. Not enough to make an effort. I feel like a loser, like he gets to move on and be happy. He gets to go on with his life as if nothing happened whilst I'm still here picking up the pieces. In no way I wish bad upon him, but I'm so sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of not being over him. Sick of dreaming about him, of still loving him even after all this time. I'm sick of these flashes of us kissing and laughing and enjoying each other and feeling like I could love this person for the rest of my life. Sometimes I'll get drunk and my brain will fantasise of us being together in a scenario. I even jokingly told my housemate today that I would pay a considerate amount of money if it was guaranteed I would never feel anything for him or think about him anymore. But I know deep down I still love him. And it hurts. And I just can't seem to move on. No matter what I do, hear, practice. When it comes to feelings, I can tell that this guy messes up with my head. I think about him everyday. And when I see him, it's all gone. I'm on my knees again. Sorry for the long rant, but today I'm just exhausted. 7 months apart and I still cry my eyes out for this person. It just broke me and I can't ever seem to be as happy as I used to be before I met him.

Thank you once again for all the replies! I'll say it still stings. Being left on read, not having a closure. He was my ex, not a random guy, he was the one I shared a lot of days with and spent time together building a life. And I didn't even deserve an answer...? Nothing? But like my therapist said: What closure were you expecting? Any kind of closure except for getting back together - which is what you wanted - would've left you frustrated and sad. So maybe it's for the best that he didn't reply at all. And don't waste your energy sending any more messages, because he doesn't care. And at the end, I feel like I needed this. In the back of my mind I've always wondered what it would be like if we met again. I always fantasised about us getting back together when both of us were more mature and older. I've always had this feeling that he was the love of my life. And to be honest, I've never felt anywhere close to this to anyone. Yes I've fallen in love, but this type of love was something else. But after seeing him and it being so magic to me and then him not caring at all about me, to just ignore me and pretend like this never happened just made it all seem... fake? Ever since I've known him, he's overly nice to everyone, friends and such, but never seems to grow too attached to anyone. He just sees them as friends when it's convenient. Deep deep down, it still hurts. Deep down, I wish it would've been different. Deep down, I wish we could be together because the way I felt when I was with him was something I can't even describe. Deep down I still fear one day I'll see him with someone else and wish it were me. Deep down I feel like I'll always remember about him and feel nostalgic about the days with him I wish would freeze in time. But also I see this as a new beginning. Ever since he left my life, I've been unhappy, depressed and my life has lost color. After this, I feel like I'm starting to slowly feel alive again. I'm working towards healing and respecting myself more and understanding that feelings aren't everything. I hope this new chapter brings me more joy and happiness. I think I deserve it.

Definitely not! This time he seemed so happy to see me. He left a birthday party 30 minutes away from where he was at just to see me, our reencountering was so nice it's almost hard to believe this guy simply ghosted me. I'll never forget the moments I shared with him, I feel like I probably won't ever feel this way again towards someone else. It still hurt, I'm still heartbroken, but now I know that after all this time he didn't care about losing me again, then we're never truly gonna be together. It's so hard to understand how the person just runs away from conflict like that.

Thanks for all the replies! To be honest it comforts me to see I’m not in the wrong here. I got angry at him at some point saying he shouldn’t have said those things if he didn’t want to follow through. He replied saying he wanted to see how we both felt but that he meant all of those things and he’s sorry if he hurt my feelings, but that he feels we’re falling into the same pattern again - like me asking for questions and him wanting to “take things slow”, which to me is BS since we didn’t even agree that we were getting back together. It was all really foggy and confusing. What makes me even angrier is that he didn’t even reply to me at all!! We spent the night together and this id*ot couldn’t even bother saying something like: Hey, I understand but I don’t want to continue this. Period. But no, he just ghosts me instead. Honestly I don’t even feel sad at this point I just feel sorry for a person that needs to use other people for sex or temporary happiness and the height of his 28 years still acts like he’s 20. Even H, with all of our disagreements never once stopped responding, disappeared or acted shady. Goes to show that even if you don’t want to be with the person you do the bare minimum which is reply a message. I haven’t said anything else other than just that I’m leaving him alone because I can’t stand this indecision anymore, that he can talk to me if he wants to talk to me he can. Silence after that. How can the person be so cold and disappear? I’m fuming and so angry at the moment. He’s the worst person I’ve ever met.

Let's call him A. A and I broke up 6 months ago, the break up was bad, I was depressed for a long time and during these 6 months, he reached out to me twice, to apologize for all he did, that he's thinking about me a lot, and he wanted to meet in person. Both times I shut him down. I was in a relationship with "H" already and didn't think it was appropriate. Also A had hurt my feelings and I felt like meeting up with him wouldn't do any good. My relationship with H was nice. He was calm, sweet and patient. He'd care for me and make me feel safe. But there never was that intense chemistry and spark I had with A. With A, I just felt alive. I felt like I had endless amount of love to give. I felt a connection like I've never felt in my life. With H, it was simple and easy going, it was funny and comfortable. So I stayed with H. But never did A leave my mind. I'd cry because of him every once in a while and question if I'd ever be able to move on. Fast forward to now, H and I decided to go on a break as we weren't getting along very well. A few days later, I decided to text my ex, A. Saying I wanted to say sorry for a few things and I still thought of him. He instantly replied and said he thought about me too. We met in person and we were sooo happy. We hugged and said we missed each other. We went home and talked and he apologised for everything he did, that he took me for granted, that he thought he was a bit of a narcissist and that back then he cared too much about other girls and social media and that he tried to find what he had with me in other girls but he never did and he thought about me everyday. He said he had this connection years ago with another girl and never again. That he had to grieve the loss of me to learn that I was "amazing" and that chasing other girls is useless. I also made my mistakes during the relationship with him being a bit co-dependent and needy, which we ended up talking about as well. He said he thinks I'm the most amazing girl he's ever met and that he was waiting for the day I'd text him because he couldn't wait to see me. I said I felt the same and we had sex the whole night, our chemistry is insane and I felt like I could almost cry. He had "grown" so much and I could tell he was just different. And I was different as well. "A" was always loving and affectionate. He's calm and sweet and our chemistry is beyond anything I've ever felt with anyone. He left the next morning and we decided we were gonna keep talking and "see how it goes". Two days went by and he didn't say anything so I decided to text him and ended up asking him if he had any intentions of us getting back together and all he said was he has strong feelings about me and felt great meeting up with me but still isn't sure if he wants to go through the process of getting back together. That he wants to see how it goes but also when we were breaking up and getting back together 6 months ago, the same thing would happen. We'd spend this amazing weekend together, drinking, laughing, enjoying each other and then on Monday he'd go back to being unsure. This went on for 2 months until I gave him an ultimatum saying I couldn't do it anymore and he said "fine, let's break up then". And so we did. So today I told him now that I feel confused, that I don't know how this is heading and I need to understand how he feels. But he kept giving me mixed signals and weird answers, not being very clear which led to more confunsion. Again the same thing, we spend this amazing night together but when we're apart it's back to "let's see how it goes" "not sure if I want to".I feel like such a fool. I can tell that this guy likes me, but why is he never sure? What is missing for him to want to be with me? Why is it that when we're together it's not enough for him? I'm sad here. He says he doesn't want to repeat the same patterns as in the past, fair enough, but if you missed me so much after these 6 months, wouldn't you even want to try? But instead he gave me no opening. No options. Nothing. Just said he's not sure and that he needs to think and analize how things will go (?). I told him even though I love him but I have to move on. After 6 months and saying all of that he still isn't sure, surely he never will be. He left me on read and that was the end of it. I'm so disappointed and heartbroken. Upset that even after 6 months I still am madly in love with this guy and would do anything for him, but he still isn't sure even after saying all those things, even after chasing me and wanting to see me. I decided to cut him off, but my heart hurts so much. I don't understand why one would say all those things but not even try... I feel like he's the most confusing person I've ever met.

I’ve been with this guy for the past 5 months, and in the beginning he was the sweetest guy I’d ever met. At first I was skeptical as I am with everyone that enters my life, but with time I started getting to know him better and liking him more and more. As time went we ended up having some disagreements mostly because of me being insecure from past trauma, which I’m in therapy for and I can see myself slowly healing and getting better from that. The thing is, ever since that, I haven’t had the same guy he was before. He’s become moody, sometimes rude to me, says he doesn’t have patience anymore and even though I’ve been the nicest girl he still can’t get over our past disagreements. We can be having a nice day and something will tick him off (I’ve also realized he’s like this with things in life, if something takes too long, if something goes wrong etc) This has made me feel horrible in the past days, like an agony inside that keeps wish he was like he was before and also a feeling of “hopelessness” and low self esteem because I feel this guy didn’t truly like me, he was just infatuated by me. I know Im not perfect, but I’m loyal, caring, supportive, friendly… I may have my moments but I truly don’t think i’m a bad person. Thing is, I’m not happy in this relationship anymore, he doesn’t seem to want to make an effort and to be honest he doesn’t seem to care. He says he loves and doesn’t want to break up but after a disagreement I kind of get the silent treatment and feel like I’m being punished. He had an ex that he was with for 4 years and she broke up with him and he said he was devastated, so I can tell he doesn’t even like me half as much. I want to break up but I’ve never done this in my life, I’ve always been there until the person ended things… I feel very weak that Im not able to end things because I keep fantasizing of how it could be (we have a planned holiday for december, some other mini trips as well etc). But I’m stuck in wanting to live this when in reality this guy can’t or won’t be flexible or let things go in order for us to grow and evolve

Ever since I was a teen, I've always had this feeling of being lonely or left out. I wasn't one of the "popular" kids and I felt like I was always trying to fit in. As I grew older, I got into partying and music and from the age of 20 to 25, my life was really intense. Lots of partying, met tons of people, was always busy, going out, having fun, meeting guys and it wasn't until I moved from my country to Australia, that I realised how lonely and "friendless" I am. Yes I met tons of people and yes I had lots of fun, but now that I look back, there's barely anyone I can actually say is my friend or even acknowledges I exist. Two weeks ago was my birthday. I turned 28. All of my birthdays I've always felt frustrated. I'd invite 30+ ppl, only 4 or 5 would show up or show interest, let alone the ones who would say they'd come and cancel last minute. I'd see my friends' stories full of birthday declarations whereas I'd get close to none. Even from friends that said they were close and cared about me. All of my birthdays were very frustrating and disappointing and this year I decided to not even celebrate it. I spent the day with my boyfriend and that was it. A few people asked if I was going to do something but I just said "I'd see". In my head, I wanted to invite all my "friends" to my house, have a nice party but I know I'd be upset seeing barely anyone would show up because they're busy with their own plans. So I just decided to pretend that it kind of didn't exist and to be honest I felt "better" because I didn't create any expectation except for the fact that I knew barely anyone would really care. I also DJ and I've trying hard to get gigs and here where I live there's already a "bubble" of DJs that are already in the scence and I feel like it's almost impossible to get in even though I feel like I have some pretty good music background, so that kind of messes with my self esteem as well. I'm not trying to victimise myself here, it's more of a rant of how I've been feeling lately. I'm a very social person but I feel like if I don't "chase" friends they never come to me (or almost never), so I just spend most of my time hanging out with my boyfriend because I know that he cares but the thought of us not being together causes me panic sometimes not because I feel like I need him, because then I'll be like, who truly cares about me except for my parents? It's a weird feeling and usually creeps at night when I'm home alone and I see people with their friends and no one even invites me to do anything if I don't reach out. I'm trying to understand what exactly I'm doing wrong here? People always say I'm a nice person and I'm fun but most of the time I feel invisible and sometimes it gets exhausting trying to be seen. I realize this makes me feel a bit depressed in general.

Thank you for all the replies. I guess I should give some more details into this. The girl I was insecure about was a girl he used to talk to who had just bought a house and posted about it. My boyfriend always talks about making big money, buying a big house, traveling etc and it made me feel a bit self conscious because I'm a little bit different than that. I came from a good financial family background but at the same time I'm very detached to material things in general and I'm more of a nature/minimalist/enjoy the moment kind of person and looking at that made me feel just bad in general, as in like "hm maybe he wants to be with her because she's more money driven than me". And I know it's silly and I know social media doesn't mean much but I really am working hard on trying to and in no means it comes from a place where I want to "abuse" him or make him feel bad, I would legit never do that to someone on purpose. If anything, I'm the one that's suffering from my own choices and thoughts. I really did realize that I have to stop worrying about the future and live in the moment. I can't control anything, but sometimes it becomes overwhelming. I went from this girl who didn't really care much and though so well of myself to someone who's always looking up to him and looking down on me. As if I'm not good enough to be with someone so good as him. My therapist always advises me to keep looking for these intrusive thoughts and look for actual evidence that proves what I think instead of believing in what I feel and think. She's a sweetheart and I've been with her for almost a year, but I do agree that I'm the one who has to do the work. There's only so much one can say and do.

After so many toxic and abusive relationships with men in my life, I finally found a guy whom I adore and treats me like a queen. When we first met, it took me a few months to let my guard down. I had just left an extremely confusing and toxic relationship with someone I loved more than myself and was still recovering. But he was patient, kind and always understanding. If one thing I've always felt with this guy, was safety. Later on we decided we were going to be in a relationship with each other. He gives me NO reason do distrust him, has always been clear as to what he wants with me, always talks about a future together, doesn't follow a lot of people on social media, isn't very active there either, has few friends and is a very discreet person in general. Everything he can do in order for me to feel less anxious and safe, he does. My ex: used to follow tons of girls on insta, would like all of their pictures, would secretly DM them, every fight we had he would chat to other girls on dating apps and it would show on his phone and would always hide our relationship to others. It was fair to say he fuelled my insecurities and obviously didn't make me feel safe at all. That, added to all my unhealthy relationships in the past made me have a hard time accepting genuine love and kindness, and I'm very distrustful of people in general. This past week my partner and I were fighting a lot and I realised I was once again losing myself and becoming co-dependent on the person. I was once again throwing all my past trauma into someone who for the first time in my life, isn't out there to get me. I got overly sensitive of him liking a girl's picture and talked to him about it and he said: "why do you think so little of yourself? Why do you think some other girl is better than you and I'd leave you for her? I chose to be with you and you're the one I want to be with". He also said "the girl I met was this confident girl who thought so well of herself." And I really did, I was this confident girl who knew what she brought to the relationship. But as time went on, the thoughts became "why would he want to be with you? Why out of all the girls would he choose someone who's not even that cool/successful/pretty etc?" I don't want to lose this guy because of my insecurities, but most of all, I don't want to lose myself. I feel like my last relationship was a wake up call, to understand what I deserve and what I don't, to be happy and that I don't need to be micro managing and acting like a crazy, paranoid person trying to control what my partner does in fear of losing him. Because well, if he does, it's his loss. (kind of a cliche joke but I still believe it's true) Also a little summary on my life background: I grew up in a dysfunctional home. My mom was (she became someone really sweet and loving after I moved out) a narcissist, and my life was extremely difficult, emotional and depressive from my pre-teens to my young adulthood. I ended up in lots of toxic relationships, settling for anything a little bit better than the lack of love I received inside my house. My last relationship was the wake up call I needed to realize I have to put an end to this fear of abandonment and anxious attachment style I carry. And yes, I am in therapy and I try to take care of myself in general, but my god, sometimes I just feel hostage inside my own head. I would just like some kind of advice as to how I could deal with this on a day to day basis, how I can build up my self-esteem and not feel like I'm not worthy of love. I really feel like I'm at a point in my life where I've had enough of years of toxic relationships and I legit just want to have a calm, healthy and nice relationship with someone.