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Wondering why some men lose all that exciting interest in you after sex.


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9 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I know why. Hooking up is a priority for him:

Since a hook-up every weekend isn't guaranteed, he's got to keep some options on the backburner.

Yea definitely. Not up for that though. 

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It is not always about sex sis, men like but want a lady that respect, hardworking I mean ladies who have a value that can impact their lives, try to add value to your life that will benefit yourself and your life partner

2ndly if you want a guy to stay longer or marry u, don't give them sex when the relationship is that its early stage especially if they are pursued, even if you also want it to try to control yourself, any man that will pursue or threat you to break up with them, let them go, such people are in for sex n will live u after it is done, it is advisable to give them sex when the relationship is more than a year or after your wedding, a guy who love you will understand and wait for you till you are ready

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56 minutes ago, katmisj said:

I booked a day trip with a girlfriend for this weekend and then shopping 🙂 Just trying to have fun without involving any romance involved for now.

This is a great idea. 

Get both these men out of your life and focus on yourself for a while. 

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7 hours ago, katmisj said:

On the day we first met I didn’t kiss him or anything but yes by the third date I had sex with him but I wasn’t drunk or anything we were watching a movie on a Sunday night but I guess it was fun and I don’t regret it even though I was taking him a bit more seriously.

Also today I posted and insta stories about my cat and he replied which I find kind of funny because I think he might just be trying to stick around. I have no hard feelings but I don’t know why he replies like we’re friends or something. I guess the typical I’ll make minimum effort and see if she sticks around lol 

Replying to cat stories has nothing to do with friendship or keeping in touch.  

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I hope your day with your girlfriend can be the start of more such days. It seems to me that getting cozy in your own shoes, and on your own two feet, would really benefit you right now. That will take more than a weekend, a shift away from an insta-mindset where insta-story views and comments are infused with more meaning than they ever deserve.  

I skimmed through your past threads and saw that, when you were with your ex boyfriend, you were still very hung up on the man who preceded him. Now you are contacting that ex while feeling a bit stung from this dude. This is a habit worth acknowledging, and then deciding if it's a habit you want to take into your 30s, or break now. I say that not from any podium, but just as someone a good bit older than you who really wished I understood this when I was your age. 

Your posts here brim with a yearning for partnership, which is clearly sincere, but the behavior outlined in them does not strike me as very partnership-oriented. Think about it this way: Would you want to get serious with a man who is prone to contacting his ex-girlfriend whenever he is feeling wounded and lonesome? Would you want to explore a relationship with someone who is ruminating about their ex?  

To my eyes, these are the habits that are hampering authentic connection far more than sex on an early date. That's more another symptom than a cause. It kind of sounds like your 20s have been spent inside relationships while other relationships remain emotionally unresolved, and that your go-to solution for discomfort is male attention, be it from a new man or past man, or some pinballing between the two. What you've learned over the past week or so—with the sensitive-but-randy barfly, with this recent call to your ex—is that this does not work.

It only amplifies the nerves, the swirl of feeling, keeping you in a state where what's required for genuine connection and eventual partnership—patience, groundedness, self-security—is washed out in the waves. 

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12 hours ago, katmisj said:

I called my ex (I know a mistake), today,

Yes, BIG MISTAKE!
Leave your EX alone. So, one guy exits as a potential partner, and you reach out to your last partner?
There's a reason you're EXs - you said so yourself.

Take a step BACK!

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19 hours ago, bluecastle said:

 

To my eyes, these are the habits that are hampering authentic connection far more than sex on an early date. That's more another symptom than a cause. It kind of sounds like your 20s have been spent inside relationships while other relationships remain emotionally unresolved, and that your go-to solution for discomfort is male attention, be it from a new man or past man, or some pinballing between the two. What you've learned over the past week or so—with the sensitive-but-randy barfly, with this recent call to your ex—is that this does not work.

 

I get all that you're saying and yes, I think that seems to be the case here. Most recently, this new guy gave me a sense of feeling desired and liked. My ex had torn me down so much that I feel like I lost a sense of myself for a few months, trying to figure out who I was and even the way that I dressed and acted were changing because I wanted so badly to fit what he expected from me. But that would never make me happy, or him happy anyway. 

The ending of our relationship but the fact that we still talk, gave me a sense of comfort, that I'm not "alone", and meeting this guy made it easy to move on, only for us to break it off and now I'm back here missing my ex. 

 

My housemate went through a similar situation, except the guy she met, became her boyfriend. And I can see she is happier now with him. They go out for dinner, do things together etc. I feel happy for her but also wonder, if a relationship shouldn't be a goal, why are so many people much happier when with their partner than alone? I could see my housemate mood change completely. I feel like if I stayed with the second guy, I wouldn't be so upset right now. (even though I know that's completely out of my control, I felt genuinely happy with him). 

And in between these two men, I feel alone. I feel rejected, twice. And that hurts my ego  and I'm here just trying to be ok with everything but sometimes it really hurts. I had a horrible fight with my ex today and hearing him say that he doesn't care about me and that he made a huge mistake dating me, just hurts. Because, even though we didn't work out as a couple, he is still dear to me and I still wish him well. I have a hard time understanding why you'd treat someone you shared moments with so badly after you end things (unless there was obvious abuse/violence). 

I guess I'm seeking closure in people along with feeling a sense of losing myself at almost 29. I know for a fact that I want to be alone for know, but I'm also tired of "working on myself". Sometimes you just want to be with someone and have a chill life. I don't want to focus on me and work on myself because I already do that on a day to day basis. I sometimes want to meet other guys but I question if it's only to feel like someone is interested in me or because I actually want to move on. 

Because I know the moment they don't want me anymore, or they disappoint me in some way, like many others have done when dating, I'm back again in this loop hole questioning my worth. 

I guess I just haven't found "the one" yet and I'm a bit exhausted of making an effort to. 

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14 hours ago, Rox22 said:

Yes, BIG MISTAKE!
Leave your EX alone. So, one guy exits as a potential partner, and you reach out to your last partner?
There's a reason you're EXs - you said so yourself.

Take a step BACK!

Yea I feel like he's a comfort even though I'm lying to myself. We can't even talk for 5 minutes without turning into a fight... he makes me feel like I'm insane and calls me all sorts of things. I already blocked him and deleted his number. I'm done

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1 minute ago, katmisj said:

if a relationship shouldn't be a goal, why are so many people much happier when with their partner than alone? I

Because you're assuming people who are not in a romantic relationship are "alone" - people who consider themselves "alone" just because they're not in a romantic relationship likely will feel "happier" even if they are settling because they are not "alone". I wasn't alone when I was single. I had friends, family, acquaintances and -bonus! - my own company.  

A relationship was not my goal.  My goal was marriage and family -not just any relationship.  A healthy, committed, marital relationship.  I know of many people happier on their own than in any romantic relationship (my sister is one of them, only one).  I would never suggest someone have a relationship as a goal but if the person shares with me that a healthful long term committed romantic relationship is a goal I'll give input -if the input is requested-on how the person is getting in her own way.  

Being with someone and having sex because of a need to be desired and liked is often not a healthful way to get to know someone or start the foundation for a potentially serious relationship.  It's all about you, it means you're picking out of a sense of desperation/rebound/fear of being alone.  

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22 minutes ago, katmisj said:

I already blocked him and deleted his number. I'm done

Good for you. 

You need to leave him behind you, forever. 

And now would be an ideal time to work on your self-esteem, so you don't feel so terrible when you don't have a man paying attention to you. It's leading you to seek out reassurance and validation from the wrong people. 

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5 hours ago, katmisj said:

I feel happy for her but also wonder, if a relationship shouldn't be a goal, why are so many people much happier when with their partner than alone?

I think it's perfectly fine for a relationship to be a goal.

But it shouldn't be at the cost of your self respect or peace of mind. If you enter into a relationship as a temporary fix for loneliness, or a distraction from pain or discomfort, etc., you will tend pay a high price (e.g. self respect).

More importantly:

5 hours ago, katmisj said:

in between these two men, I feel alone. I feel rejected, twice.

I honestly think you're better off being lonely by yourself than being lonely in a relationship. Nothing worse than that, imo, because it means you have a partner who fails to validate or acknowledge you in an important way. Who needs that??? No thank you.

5 hours ago, katmisj said:

I have a hard time understanding why you'd treat someone you shared moments with so badly after you end things

The more important exercise is accepting that some things are the way that they are. Recognize and move on. Don't dwell on Why. Have you ever seen moths bash themselves against a lightbulb at night? That's you if you get stuck on the Why of other people's bad behavior. Don't be that moth.

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I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a relationship. It's a very normal thing that most people want. I think the trouble with wanting a relationship so badly though that you sort of "project" on every person you meet is that you can get hurt easily. Unfortunately I think that's what happened here.

I know you liked that guy and you had a good time with him, but in all fairness you only met him maybe about three times. So you didn't know him that well. I think you said in one of your posts something along the lines of "When I meet a guy, I imagine my future husband". I think that rather than trying to always look for a guy to fill the relationship/husband shoes, maybe you should just get to know guys and decide if you actually want to be with THAT person. Like, that guy should just happen to come into your life and complement it. Not that every time you meet a guy or sleep with a guy, you're straight away wondering if it's going to be really serious. Unfortunately most people we date won't actually be "the one". If finding the right person was really easy, it wouldn't be considered really special lol

 

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