Wondering why some men lose all that exciting interest in you after sex.

[boltnrun]

I don't understand why you would do this

10 hours ago, katmisj said:

On Saturday night I was out with friends and texted him saying I could meet up with him after work,

When you'd already said this

10 hours ago, katmisj said:

he said he could also see me Saturday night after his work (he works until 11ish pm). I said I would probably be tired and to just leave it for Sunday.

And also, why would you do this?

10 hours ago, katmisj said:

I might jokingly tell him that I don't want to be just a fling and see what he says.

Do you think saying it in a "joking" manner will protect you from rejection or make it less painful if he says he's not interested in a relationship with you?

5 hours ago, katmisj said:

I learned in therapy that I have fear of abandonment, because I always longed for the love I never had in my household.

OK, but having sex right away pretty much sets you up for what you're fearing.  Not everyone views immediate sex as a way of evaluating someone's relationship compatibility.  You don't know if he was thinking "I'll have sex with her and if she's giving during sex that means she's someone I could have a relationship with."  It's backwards thinking, isn't it?

You said you're determined not to have sex with him today.  What will you do if he leads you toward his bedroom or engages in intimate touching while on the couch watching a movie?  BTW, what is the exact plan?  You said he suggested "hanging out" and you said you're "meeting up".  Does that mean Netflix and chill at his place or did he ask you out on an actual date?

[Rose Mosse]

12 hours ago, katmisj said:

Ok wow this post is pumping! Haha I was quite busy during the weekend so I wasn't able to respond. I've read all the responses and it's opened my mind a lot. Here's a quickie on what happened: 

So on the day I made this post, later on he texted me if I wanted to hang out this Sunday. He then started making conversation, being all chatty. BUT, that was only until he sent me a random message and I didn't reply to him and posted an insta stories. I agreed on meeting up Sunday and he said he could also see me Saturday night after his work (he works until 11ish pm). I said I would probably be tired and to just leave it for Sunday. We chatted about random things for a bit and that was it. I honestly feel like I don't have the opportunity to get to know him better sometimes...

On Saturday night I was out with friends and texted him saying I could meet up with him after work, he texted back saying he was tired but would be keen for a movie at his house. I obviously turned it down and went home. Today he texts me saying his boss got covid and he won't be able to leave the house. I didn't reply for a few hours because I was kind of annoyed that he was canceling on me and that I don't really believe he's telling me the truth. After a while he wrote he's sorry and wished he could see me and would love to see me tomorrow (Monday). I was a bit annoyed but played it cool and said I hope he's feeling okay and that Monday would be good (it's both of our days off). I then said what time and he said around 6pm. Now look, this is a young person that is probably canceling with me to go out with his friends on Sunday night and then cuddling and sleeping with me on Monday when he's tired and there's nothing to do. Which, would be fine, if that's what I wanted as well. 

So one thing I know is, I want to have fun with this guy, because indeed, I do have fun with him. But I also know myself, after years of dating and weird experiences, that even though I might not have feelings for the guy (which I do in this case), I don't like the idea of having sex and not having a talk about where we stand. Even if it's just casual, I'd rather have it settled in the first month before choosing to continue or not. It makes me feel very used. Especially with the date we set tomorrow, I know we might just go for dinner and then have sex, which the sex is indeed great, it doesn't do it for me anymore... I want something deeper (no pun intended lol). 

I also know that a lot comes from my expectations, I didn't promise anything to him and neither did he, but I'd rather put aside the conspiracies and just look at how things are for now. And decide if I actually want to continue this or not, because it doesn't seem like it's leading to anything serious and I am not emotionally in a good place to have a FWB with a person I have some sort of feelings for. 

It is true that I can choose where I stay. I do have a thing for him, but I'm not gonna stay around if that doesn't meet my standards. I used to stick around and hope the person would act a certain way I wanted them to, I've realised now that it's not my responsibility to do that. People will act however they want... I just have to set boundaries and move on. 

I've decided to see him tomorrow, but I've also chosen that I won't be sleeping with him or having sex. I might jokingly tell him that I don't want to be just a fling and see what he says. Obviously he might eat into my mind and lie just to get laid but I've already made my mind that I won't be having sex with him. That will give me two answers: if he's cool and actually wants to see me again, he'll respect it and ask me out again. If not, he'll be annoyed/disinterested or will tell me that he doesn't want anything serious. Which is fair enough, but just not what I'm looking for, not with him, because I do know that it's a person I could potentially develop real hard feelings for. 

 

Are you both meeting tomorrow at 6? If he’s hungover you know he’s not the man for you. 

[MissCanuck]

When you're comparing a new guy to your ex every step of the way, you're not ready to date yet. 

I also think you're idealizing these things about your ex, as if it were as secure as you suggest, you two wouldn't have been on and off. 

You need a clean break from your ex. Chatting here and there is holding you back and not allowing you to really process the break-up.  And it would be wise to stay single for a while and really lean into that. Learn to be on your own without a guy to prop you up. 

I understand the new guy can be a fun distraction, but you're already going to into anxiety spirals over this. It isn't worth the hassle. 

[Rox22]

On 3/20/2022 at 4:35 AM, katmisj said:

It's still hard and I'm not gonna lie I still think we're getting back together.

What? Why?⬆️

And why are you going to the new guy's house to hang out, if he may have COVID?
Also, what do you think he plans on doing w/you? Hint: SEX

Whatever happened to a date IN PUBLIC?

You ARE all over the place here. You want a rel'ship, you don't want just sex, but you'll go to his place and put yourself in that situation?
You're hoping a 23yr old will act like a 33 yr old that you're used to. (Yes, some 23 are more mature than some 33yr olds - but, that's not the point)

You're jumping from one rel'ship to another (as per your description), at the same time hoping this guy is NOT just in it for SEX. YOU DON'T KNOW HIM.

You're NOT READY for a NEW rel'ship, nor just sex. Your emotional and mental state of mind are NOT aligned.

STAY SINGLE and work on yourself. DO NOT get attached to anyone right now.

[katmisj]

So he asked me out yesterday for dinner and we went to a really nice place, had some drinks and by 8pm he was kind of rushing me to go to his house. I said I didn't want to just yet so we went to another bar and then we went to his house but I really didn't want to sleep with him without having any conversation first. 

His birthday is this weekend and he said he's doing x, y and z with his friends which is fine, but he didn't really mention making any plans with me, he's spending the whole weekend with his friends which is fair enough but also kind of upset me I didn't even have a slot there, so I kind of got the hint. 

So after a few hours hanging out at his house, he was a bit insisting on having sex with me and I was kind of annoyed by that so I said I wanted to talk. I told him that I just got out of a relationship and I'm entering a new situation where I feel a bit confused as to what we are doing, why we're hanging out every weekend and talking everyday and what his expectations for us were, if he had any. 

He asked what he could do to show me that he likes me and that he's not talking to other girls and I said I already know that, what I want to know is where we stand. And he said well, I want to keep seeing you but I can't guarantee that I won't hook up with other girls when going out on the weekends. And I said, fine, thanks for being honest, but this isn't what I want for myself, we don't have to be in a relationship just yet but the idea of us sleeping together while you go out and hook up with other girls makes me feel very uncomfortable. He insisted he still wanted to see me but I said not like this, not with you seeing other girls too.  And we chatted for a few minutes about it, but at least both of us got that out of the way. 

I feel upset I'm not gonna lie. We have a lot of things in common and chemistry as well and also we got along really well, not once did we have any bickering or anything. I feel upset because when I find someone I like, it's the other person who doesn't want it the same way I do. At least if he was like "let's get to know each other, I'm not interested in other girls and let's see how it goes", but the first thing he said was, I can't guarantee I won't sleep with other people when I'm out. His excuse was he's young and wants to enjoy his life, as if being in a relationship with someone you click with is not cool but hooking up with random girls is? I'll never understand some people... 

I'm ok with my decision though. I don't feel bad for being honest and even though a part of me just wanted to let it go with the flow, him not including me on any of his days of celebrating his birthday upset me and also how he always kept repeating "you're single, you're free to do whatever you want" just made me feel uneasy. 

He's been in a relationship before so I felt kind of bad that he didn't actually want one with me, but that's ok. We're just both in different moments of our lives and I also wouldn't jump straight into another relationship but I needed to take a step back because I was starting to fall hard for this guy. 

I'm ok, not thrilled. I am almost 30 and I'm proud that I was able to "break up" with someone I wanted so badly to be with. If it were before, I would've stayed, accepted the minimum just to have the person. This is the first time I have actually put myself first even if it meant being without the person and when the person said they still wanted to see me. But I'm also frustrated and feeling alone. Thinking why everyone around me can find a partner and I have a hard time with it. Sometimes I feel like this isn't for me? Like, I just constantly have bad luck in finding a partner, lol. Anyway, just a rant...

 

[Jibralta]

15 minutes ago, katmisj said:

If it were before, I would've stayed, accepted the minimum just to have the person.

I'm glad you didn't do that. It probably would have made you feel worse in the long run. 

I think that, based on everything you've shared on this thread, you really are--at the moment--all over the place. Part of you is having heavy, relationship-esque conversations with a guy you met a month ago, part of you thinks you're going to reconcile with your ex.... But I think, despite all of these intense, conflicting feelings, you navigated the situation really well. Good for you.

[katmisj]

28 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I'm glad you didn't do that. It probably would have made you feel worse in the long run. 

I think that, based on everything you've shared on this thread, you really are--at the moment--all over the place. Part of you is having heavy, relationship-esque conversations with a guy you met a month ago, part of you thinks you're going to reconcile with your ex.... But I think, despite all of these intense, conflicting feelings, you navigated the situation really well. Good for you.

Thanks, that means a lot. I am honestly in a delicate moment in my life where I feel very confused. I am honestly exhausted of failed after failed relationships, always trying but never working, always getting my heart broken. I feel like I need to take a deep breath and step back and just have fun for now. And the moment I realised I wasn't having fun with him anymore was the moment I chose to have the conversation. I realised when he told me about his bday, I started getting anxiety. Would it be worth spending the whole weekend wondering who he's with and then him texting me on Monday so we'd go out? Not really...

Obviously one month is early but also when you talk to the person everyday and spend weekends together, AND there is feelings you start to wonder. 

My ex on the first date made it clear he wanted a relationship, on the third week he told me he knew he wanted to be with me. He was always very honest early on thinking - "I have no time to lose" kind of vibe. I kind of learned that with him. Although my ex came on really strong on me and I don't fully agree with how he acted, I let this guy be, reach out to me etc, but also giving him opening and showing I was interested in him. 

And to me it just wasn't worth knowing his birthday was this weekend and he'd spend all the days with his friends and hooking up with random girls, I knew this time it wouldn't be paranoia, it is actually what he told me he'd do. 

This was a fun experience though, I felt like I connected with someone and it made me feel like there's people out there I'll connect with. I do want a life partner, but for now I'm just gonna have fun and respect my boundaries. 

[Jibralta]

3 minutes ago, katmisj said:

I feel like I need to take a deep breath and step back and just have fun for now. And the moment I realised I wasn't having fun with him anymore was the moment I chose to have the conversation.....

I'm just gonna have fun and respect my boundaries.

This is the important part. Listening to yourself. Respecting yourself. Taking care of yourself! All of that other stuff will resolve itself sooner or later. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, katmisj said:

  I was kind of annoyed by that so I said I wanted to talk. I told him that I just got out of a relationship and I'm entering a new situation where I feel a bit confused 

Don't use a 23 y/o kid who just wants to hook up as a therapist.

[Batya33]

He was honest with you that he doesn't want a relationship with you.  That's good news because it's early days and it means you can move on and keep your options open to find someone who is interested.  I would allow myself a pity party once a day for 5-10 minutes -for that time focus on how everyone else has it sooooo easy and you are soooo unlucky and you can't find anyone, etc etc. blah blah.  Then go on with your day.  

Now you also know- which is so valuable -you get extra attached when you have sex. Perhaps you can find other ways to get to know someone other than testing out how they are in bed right away since now you see the downsides -emotional downsides. 

See how the person talks about his friends, acts around service people like waitstaff, eye contact when you are speaking, how he follows up with questions/responses when you share stuff, how he hugs you or holds your hand or kisses you, how he treats you when he is stressed, hangry, sick, or when he suddenly gets a casual text from a friend while you are speaking.  

See how he acts when you have a bad day or great  day at work, how he is at planning dates in advance if you like that sort of thing, etc.  Also this whole talking to girls thing is silly.  Either someone wants to be exclusive with you (typically after dating at least a few months) or they don't - they can talk to whomever they like.  So can you. And hopefully not little girls but people -women, men, their pets.  But you want to be only with each other and close off other options, no "grass is greener" mindset or a strong temptation to be open to having sex with some hottie that wanders by at a club.  You'll know.  

Obviously yes have fun - no need to date, no need to date seriously unless you feel like it, totally fine to date whoever you like casually. I'd do that sober and without having intercourse.

I'm sorry you're disappointed.

[katmisj]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't use a 23 y/o kid who just wants to hook up as a therapist.

yea I guess I just thought he was really mature... for his age. Lol 

my housemate is my age and dates a 23 year old and he's really chill and they do great, all his mates have partners as well. But I guess given the circumstances under which I met him and how things developed, this could've gone all ways, including what happened yesterday. 

What's great is we "ended" this on good terms. No hard feelings, we just both wanted different things and I don't have anything to say about him as a person. To be honest, he's all I want in a guy... Oof, I need to stop talking about him. Haha 

[katmisj]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He was honest with you that he doesn't want a relationship with you.  That's good news because it's early days and it means you can move on and keep your options open to find someone who is interested.  I would allow myself a pity party once a day for 5-10 minutes -for that time focus on how everyone else has it sooooo easy and you are soooo unlucky and you can't find anyone, etc etc. blah blah.  Then go on with your day.  

Now you also know- which is so valuable -you get extra attached when you have sex. Perhaps you can find other ways to get to know someone other than testing out how they are in bed right away since now you see the downsides -emotional downsides. 

See how the person talks about his friends, acts around service people like waitstaff, eye contact when you are speaking, how he follows up with questions/responses when you share stuff, how he hugs you or holds your hand or kisses you, how he treats you when he is stressed, hangry, sick, or when he suddenly gets a casual text from a friend while you are speaking.  

See how he acts when you have a bad day or great  day at work, how he is at planning dates in advance if you like that sort of thing, etc.  Also this whole talking to girls thing is silly.  Either someone wants to be exclusive with you (typically after dating at least a few months) or they don't - they can talk to whomever they like.  So can you. And hopefully not little girls but people -women, men, their pets.  But you want to be only with each other and close off other options, no "grass is greener" mindset or a strong temptation to be open to having sex with some hottie that wanders by at a club.  You'll know.  

Obviously yes have fun - no need to date, no need to date seriously unless you feel like it, totally fine to date whoever you like casually. I'd do that sober and without having intercourse.

I'm sorry you're disappointed.

Thanks! To be quite honest, taking the sex away, this guy had a lot of things I liked. For starters we enjoy the same music, the same movies (my life time favourite movie is his favourite movie as well, it's a Japanese not very known movie which is weird), he's into drawing and making shirts - he showed me his art, he's very sensitive and has this way of viewing things similarly to me. We'd spend hooouurs chatting. He planned fun places for us to go, made an effort to see me even after working until late. Very huggy and kissy, always offers to pay even when I tell him he doesn't have to. Would set his phone aside the whole time he was with me. It's like time stopped when we were together. Treated everyone nicely, very funny and polite. Honestly I was falling hard for this guy for so many reasons, and it's just that feeling you have you know? That day when he first sat down beside me I just felt something that I don't feel when other guys approach me. It just clicked and from that day on I couldn't stop thinking about him. And I do wish him well because he made me laugh and made me feel so good at some points. I know it hasn't been long, but been long enough for me to know that he is closer to the ideal partner than my exes were. 

I've realized that when the sex is really good, it does mess with me a bit and I get attached, so this is something to note for next ones. 

Also you're right, if the person wants to be with you, that's it. Even though he did say he's not talking to anyone else, he said that when he goes out alone he can't promise he's not gonna hook up with anyone. Which in my point of view is silly, because when you find someone you click with, you'd want to keep them? Right? Right? Lol 

But I'm glad he was honest and I can move on without us staying together for that long. I still think about him and wish things didn't end this way. But ah oh well. Life goes on

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, katmisj said:

Thanks! To be quite honest, taking the sex away, this guy had a lot of things I liked. For starters we enjoy the same music, the same movies (my life time favourite movie is his favourite movie as well, it's a Japanese not very known movie which is weird), he's into drawing and making shirts - he showed me his art, he's very sensitive and has this way of viewing things similarly to me. We'd spend hooouurs chatting. He planned fun places for us to go, made an effort to see me even after working until late. Very huggy and kissy, always offers to pay even when I tell him he doesn't have to. Honestly I was falling hard for this guy for so many reasons, and it's just that feeling you have you know? That day when he first sat down beside me I just felt something that I don't feel when other guys approach me. It just clicked and from that day on I couldn't stop thinking about him. And I do wish him well because he made me laugh and made me feel so good at some points. I know it hasn't been long, but been long enough for me to know that he is closer to the ideal partner than my exes were. 

I've realized that when the sex is really good, it does mess with me a bit and I get attached, so this is something to note for next ones. 

Also you're right, if the person wants to be with you, that's it. Even though he did say he's not talking to anyone else, he said that when he goes out alone he can't promise he's not gonna hook up with anyone. Which in my point of view is silly, because when you find someone you click with, you'd want to keep them? Right? Right? Lol 

But I'm glad he was honest and I can move on without us staying together for that long. I still think about him and wish things didn't end this way. But ah oh well. Life goes on

Yes, he was a new person in your life you happened to have a lot in common with -be careful about the "he always" or "we always" -there was no always.  You'd just met him.  There was no pattern.  You'd just met him.  You're projecting all this stuff on him as if you were in a long relationship with him.  You weren't.  You just met him and went on a handful of dates.

You like his way of viewing things.  But you just learned his way of viewing things is "it's my birthday I'm gonna go out and party and get drunk and I can't promise I won't have sex with some "girl" I meet when I am out" -that's also his view of things, those are also his values.  Your values justify getting drunk with a person you don't know well and having sex.  NOt wrong, not right, just the facts, the reality. Please don't judge him for wanting to hook up with random "girls" - you don't have to date someone who does that (I wouldn't, no way!!) but let him live his life as he pleases.  As long as he's single and hooking up with random single women you don't have to date him but -it's consensual. 

Just like you consented to have sex with him and you barely knew him. It was fun for you.  Others would view that as way too risky even wrong (I mean let's say someone very religious) but who cares -you get to live your life and if casual sex is fun for you or for him and you're not hurting anyone, live and let live.

[katmisj]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes, he was a new person in your life you happened to have a lot in common with -be careful about the "he always" or "we always" -there was no always.  You'd just met him.  There was no pattern.  You'd just met him.  You're projecting all this stuff on him as if you were in a long relationship with him.  You weren't.  You just met him and went on a handful of dates.

You like his way of viewing things.  But you just learned his way of viewing things is "it's my birthday I'm gonna go out and party and get drunk and I can't promise I won't have sex with some "girl" I meet when I am out" -that's also his view of things, those are also his values.  Your values justify getting drunk with a person you don't know well and having sex.  NOt wrong, not right, just the facts, the reality. Please don't judge him for wanting to hook up with random "girls" - you don't have to date someone who does that (I wouldn't, no way!!) but let him live his life as he pleases.  As long as he's single and hooking up with random single women you don't have to date him but -it's consensual. 

Just like you consented to have sex with him and you barely knew him. It was fun for you.  Others would view that as way too risky even wrong (I mean let's say someone very religious) but who cares -you get to live your life and if casual sex is fun for you or for him and you're not hurting anyone, live and let live.

Yea you're totally right. I'm glad he was honest with me, it's better than saying he only wants me and then going behind my back and hooking up with girls as has happened before with other people in my life. And yea, I wouldn't date someone who would rather spend his birthday with some random. I told him I don't think badly of him, he's allowed to do as he pleases, just I'm not the girl who is going to stick around while he does that. 

Although we did click since the first time we met, I feel silly for thinking there was something else there when it was only on my part. But I didn't insist or stay, like I usually would've when I was younger. I stayed with a guy for 9 months while he couldn't decide and would be hot and cold until I told him to leave my life and so he did. Years later he came back and tried to approach me again, I gave him a second chance and he did the same thing after our first date. I feel like I've learned that no matter how much I crave, desire and wish to be with the person, it's never worth putting aside your needs. I learned that the hard way... losing people and losing myself. It has hurt so much that it hurts less to lose the person than insisting on something that hurts me. I feel slightly proud of myself for being able to end it with this guy even though I wanted so badly to stay.

If someday he comes back, and if I want him, it would only be under the circumstances of us being exclusive. But even though that's what I wish would happen, that somehow he would text me saying "hey I actually shouldn't have said that, I want to be with you, let's talk" and I know that's me daydreaming, I still am choosing to move on and end this chapter. I still think of him obviously but I'm just looking forward and not counting him as part of my plans anymore, like I was doing for the past weeks. 

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, katmisj said:

 my housemate is my age and dates a 23 year old and he's really chill and they do great.

Trendy doesn't make it right for you personally.

[Batya33]

24 minutes ago, katmisj said:

Although we did click since the first time we met, I feel silly for thinking there was something else there when it was only on my part.

What was on your part -clicking as a first impression or second impression? You click more with your pairs of socks you've had for a couple of months -I mean those favorite/thank goodness I found socks that actually fit - kind of socks.  What's the something else? You're just way ahead of yourself.  This is part of your focus on "exciting interest".  What's with the focus? Yes, beginnings are exciting based on chemistry, hormones, infatuation, and the thrill of the chase -even for healthy people it's fun and exciting when you're kind of like "Oh I hope he calls!!!!" -but in healthy developing relationships that specific type of excitement isn't the main focus. 

When you have sex with someone you actually know well it's exciting but based on the excitement of what I wrote above as much -the excitement of actually knowing the person -good and bad- over a longer period of time -knowing there's potential.  Not just a "I like vanilla ice cream too/we're the same sign and we love Japanese food and anime and we both suck at the same Wordle game" - that too but not just that. 

And by then you know if it's just "on your part" because there's trust there, there's actual sharing and actions showing it's not just on your part.  Actions over time.  Actions while sober.  

I don't know if my husband has exciting interest in me.  I don't think about whether he does.  He never lost interest in me.  I never lost interest in him.  Even when we're upset with each other we're always interested in being with each other, being committed to each other and our family.  Do I want him to desire me ? Of course! But even from the beginning, when we told each other we were on the same page, what we wanted with each other -we hadn't had sex yet (other than when we dated and were engaged 7 years previously) -I didn't have to wonder whether he had "exciting interest" in me - I knew he wanted to be with me.  I knew because he showed it.  I knew because he showed up, was reliable, was there for me in every way and I wanted to be for him and I was. 

Basic and simple despite heart-based and head-based.  Not complicated and also while over the moon especially in the beginning not some barometer of "ohhhh is he excited about me????" That's not the staying power part.  Why does it matter so much to you?

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, katmisj said:

Even though he did say he's not talking to anyone else, he said that when he goes out alone he can't promise he's not gonna hook up with anyone. Which in my point of view is silly, because when you find someone you click with, you'd want to keep them? Right? Right?

Yes, right. 

He doesn't feel the same click with you that you do with him, evidently. It stings, but at least now you know and won't waste any more of your time on him. 

[boltnrun]

You met him at a bar while drinking and had sex with him right away. So it shouldn't be surprising that he's going to do the same thing with other women. And he likely expected that you would do the same thing with other men (since you did it with him).

I think it would be a good idea to rethink your decision to always have sex right away in order to gauge relationship compatibility. Seems like it leads to hurt, not relationships.

Also, make sure you don't contact him while out drinking or at home feeling lonely. You would likely regret sleeping with him again when you know for a fact he's sleeping with others.

[katmisj]

11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

 

Basic and simple despite heart-based and head-based.  Not complicated and also while over the moon especially in the beginning not some barometer of "ohhhh is he excited about me????" That's not the staying power part.  Why does it matter so much to you?

Yea I completely get that and to be honest my last relationship kind of was like that. It was a bit intense in the beginning because he came on really strong but it was calm and just happened naturally and I actually liked that. I've had exciting encounters that had tons of chemistry, good sex and laughs but ended tragically so I know that initial excitement might not mean anything. 

I guess I had been in such a dark place for the past two, three months that meeting him gave me a "light at the end of the tunnel" feeling, it definitely helped me start getting over my ex and opened my eyes that there's other people out there because I was so stuck and focused on my ex and felt really alone knowing he didn't want to be with me, and quoting him "I don't see a future with you, I would never have children with you", and other things that really hurt to hear. 

But I guess commitment, trust and partnership are the main things to focus on, things this guy never showed in the first place. 

[katmisj]

9 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You met him at a bar while drinking and had sex with him right away. So it shouldn't be surprising that he's going to do the same thing with other women. And he likely expected that you would do the same thing with other men (since you did it with him).

 

Yea I thought that as well. "Would I want to start something with a guy that approached me at a bar and could do that to any other girl?" Sure, sometimes that works out and people start a relationship... but also means he'll just do it to any other girl. I guess I'm in this situation where I find it really hard to find a partner and when I meet someone who I have great conversations with and treats me nicely I'm already planning my wedding in my mind haha. 

But jokes aside, in a way I am happy with myself that I was able to cut this before I got hurt. Considering how much I wanted to still see him, making the decision to not do that wasn't easy but in the long run I'm sure this is better for me.

And yes maybe leave sex out of the equation for the first dates. Our last date I could definitely tell he was just trying to get in my pants and was almost getting annoyed when I didn't want to. I was wearing a crop top and he kept pulling it up and trying to take my clothes off "in a joking way" while I kept saying no. That was a bit of a turn off for me and kind of helped making the decision to move on. 

[Batya33]

46 minutes ago, katmisj said:

But I guess commitment, trust and partnership are the main things to focus on, things this guy never showed in the first place. 

What I would focus on is getting to know someone as a person over a long period of time so you get to see how the person acts and reacts to daily life -short cutting with an insta-relationship "but it feels like we've known each other forever!!!" rarely works for the long term.  It's not about "show in the first place."  It's about building trust over time, committing when it's time to do so (and not just committing to monogamous sex), and yes "partnership". 

This guy is someone you didn't know well.  He never had a chance to show anything and you showed him you were up for casual sex, for getting drunk and having sex.  That was what he mainly knew of you.  As it turned out he was mainly focused on continuing the sexual arrangement.  But I wouldn't judge or criticize him - your actions and words didn't match.  So he figured he'd try to have sex again with you and he was pushy for sure.  I'm glad you've moved on.

 

[katmisj]

On the day we first met I didn’t kiss him or anything but yes by the third date I had sex with him but I wasn’t drunk or anything we were watching a movie on a Sunday night but I guess it was fun and I don’t regret it even though I was taking him a bit more seriously.

Also today I posted and insta stories about my cat and he replied which I find kind of funny because I think he might just be trying to stick around. I have no hard feelings but I don’t know why he replies like we’re friends or something. I guess the typical I’ll make minimum effort and see if she sticks around lol 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, katmisj said:

 he replies like we’re friends or something.

The best thing to do is work on yourself and let the bed cool off after a breakup. 

This kid you picked up has no reason to be rude to you or unfriendly toward you.

 

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, katmisj said:

I posted and insta stories about my cat and he replied which I find kind of funny because I think he might just be trying to stick around. I have no hard feelings but I don’t know why he replies like we’re friends or something.

I know why. Hooking up is a priority for him:

23 hours ago, katmisj said:

he said well, I want to keep seeing you but I can't guarantee that I won't hook up with other girls when going out on the weekends.

Since a hook-up every weekend isn't guaranteed, he's got to keep some options on the backburner.

[katmisj]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The best thing to do is work on yourself and let the bed cool off after a breakup. 

This kid you picked up has no reason to be rude to you or unfriendly toward you.

 

Yea I agree with that. I called my ex (I know a mistake), today, to see how he was and he was so depressed and unhappy that it made me unhappy too and just brought out a bunch of feeling and argh. I'm in this weird situation where I'm still trying to figure out where I am in life. 

I booked a day trip with a girlfriend for this weekend and then shopping 🙂 Just trying to have fun without involving any romance involved for now. I need some air