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Ghosted after 2nd Date - Question


gq7mss
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Hey everyone! Met a women who meets most if not all my criteria insofar as career (extremely successful), looks, and the initial personality traits I look for. 

The first date was beyond successful. I had her dancing, we were making out, went back to her place, we kissed for quite awhile, cuddled, and I even kissed her on the way out in the morning.  Fast forward, I asked her out for a second date and she didn't hesitate, confirmed another date. This was a week later. 

Friday rolls around. we were supposed to meet up I had a really stressful anxiety inducing day. Rather than reschedule I said f-it let me just go meet her instead of cancelling. I think this was a mistake. I was really in my head the entire time and I have to assume she noticed or it showed up in my behavior.  

The date started out fine at the initial and second bar.  We decided to go a third while it was approaching midnight, apparently this bar was enforcing vaccine card for entry as policy changed at midnight. I told her I couldn't get in and divulged I hadn't been vaccinated against Covid19 (please keep the politics out of it and try to help or feel free to skip this thread).  Once I had told her this she was really taken back and asked are you a "anti-vax conspiracy theorist". I said no, I have taken all regular scheduled vaccines, but got Covid early and had immunity.  

In any case we went back to her place.  I was either too in my head over the stressful day or now feeling insecure over her disdain for me not getting a medical procedure and overly teasing me about it. Conversation dragged on long and felt like I had to defend myself. For example before getting in the cab she yelled to three random guys "hey, this guy's unvaxxed". 

In any case a few hours went by, I drank, we smoked together, and she went in for a kiss. After this I walked out once my uber came and for some reason forget to give her one final hug and kiss (kind of cold). I texted her when I got back (I was pretty exhausted) and said "Home, sweet dreams" (short I know). She replied glad you made it back, sweet dreams! (posts emoji of man sleeping). 

5 days later I texted her and tried to setup another date, radio silence. It's now been 5 days and she's clearly not going to message me back imo. My question is if I feel this girl is worth it, should I send her a message in a few days along the lines of:

"Hey I realize date 2 wasn't as great as the 1st. I had a rough day and was really in my head. I was enjoying getting to know you and I'd be happy to take you out for dinner and drinks again if you change your mind, lmk."

Or do you all think this is one that I have to chalk up as an L.  Two things could have happened in my mind. She could be so politically driven that the unvaccinated thing was a deal breaker for her. Or B it was me being in my head showing up in the behavior coupled with possibly some unintentional cold behaviors at the end that caused her maybe to feel like I was insecure or not interested. Lmk your thoughts! 

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13 minutes ago, gq7mss said:

5 days later I texted her and tried to setup another date, radio silence. It's now been 5 days and she's clearly not going to message me back imo. My question is if I feel this girl is worth it, should I send her a message in a few days along the lines of:

"Hey I realize date 2 wasn't as great as the 1st. I had a rough day and was really in my head. I was enjoying getting to know you and I'd be happy to take you out for dinner and drinks again if you change your mind, lmk."

No, don't text her.. she went silent on you.. says enough.

 

 

13 minutes ago, gq7mss said:

now feeling insecure over her disdain for me not getting a medical procedure and overly teasing me about it. Conversation dragged on long and felt like I had to defend myself. For example before getting in the cab she yelled to three random guys "hey, this guy's unvaxxed". 

 

PLUS... If someone were to do this ,  I would have given them a good bye right there!  

This is inconsiderate & rude.

 

Move on, was only a cpl dates.

 

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I think she should reply since you spent all that time together.  If she didn't ask your vax status first thing she should have assumed you might not be.  She's ridiculous - runs off at the mouth and it sounds like alcohol was a big part of your two dates so I'm not sure you actually got to know each other. I'd let this one go -she sounds like a loud mouth and who knows what other verbal diarrhea she'll have.

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If your non-vaccinated status is a problem for her she could have simply said so instead of acting weird and shouting it at strangers.

Her behavior isn't off putting to you? You want to continue dating a woman who acts like this?

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1 hour ago, gq7mss said:

she yelled to three random guys "hey, this guy's unvaxxed". In any case a few hours went by, I drank, we smoked together
5 days later I texted her and tried to setup another date, radio silence. 

Why did you wait 5 days to text and set up another date? It seems like too much drinking and smoking.

Was she drunk when she shouted this out? She seems like a loose canon. Maybe you dodged a bullet.

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24 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

 It's possible that she might have lost respect for you and once a woman loses respect for you, it's over for good.

Respect? You can't lose "respect" due to a vaccination status. That she yelled to three random guys about it, that does not show anything about her character? 

OP, I think you are the one who dodged a bullet.

 

Edited by dias
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9 minutes ago, dias said:

Respect? You can't lose "respect" due to a vaccination status. That she yelled to three random guys about it, that does not show anything about her character? 

OP, I think you are the one who dodged a bullet.

 

That's precisely my point - yelling this out to strangers was an attempt to humiliate the OP and therefore a colossal display of complete disrespect toward him. Goes hand in hand with her comment about him being some conspiracy nut. Whether he realizes it or not, his date actually was over with her at that point. The rest was just her choosing to have fun at his expense.

Does her behavior make her a good person? No. She could have been more tactful. Obviously.

My point stands - he should not pursue her or even entertain that idea.

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She has not replied. 

Move on, OP. This one is dead in the water. I'm sorry about this. I doubt it had to do with you being too tired. If she wasn't feeling it about your lack of vaccination, she's entitled. There's nothing to do here except move forwards. Meet other women.

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2 hours ago, gq7mss said:

Met a women who meets most if not all my criteria insofar as career (extremely successful), looks, and the initial personality traits I look for. 

<snip>

. . . her disdain for me not getting a medical procedure and overly teasing me about it. Conversation dragged on long and felt like I had to defend myself. For example before getting in the cab she yelled to three random guys "hey, this guy's unvaxxed". 
 

Your criteria clearly needs an overhaul.

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Wow was not expecting this much feedback, greatly appreciate everyone taking there time out the day to give me there 2 cents. Loads of wisdom here.

Maybe it is possible I waited too long to reach out.  I really wanted to message her the day after but held back.
I held back as I was trying to not come off as needy.  I was worried me being at her place again on the second date might have come off as me moving too fast. And me staying 30 more minutes after she suggested she was tired (despite her then going in for. a kiss) may have come off clingy.

By messaging her sooner than later I was thinking it might turn her off or feel like she's moving to quickly into a relationship.

I think I agree with most, the "the anti vax conspiracy theorist" statement was the turning point for both me and her subconsciously.  I was willing to let it go though. 

I also agree that I posted this without acknowledging some possible red flags insofar as being somewhat disrespectful even if it was in jest.

I can't tell you how opposite I am in regards to the box she put me, she def didn't get to know me, but I am not going to try to go out my way to convince her otherwise.  That's lowering myself. Holding off on reaching out for now unless someone thinks it is a good idea.

Edited by gq7mss
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It happens. Sometimes you get ghosted, and there is no real reason.

Not long ago, I was to meet a girl, and 30min before the date, she canceled bc she hurt her back. She agreed to talk on the phone bc she felt bad. We had a great 1hr plus conversation, easy to talk to, she was laughing a lot etc. She said she wanted to make it up to me, so in a few days she'd plan a date for us.

Next day we texted a lot, good conversation again, she said she was excited to meet me. Out of nowhere, radio silence, ghosted, never said another word. Day of the date came, reach out to see... nothing.

People are strange, no rhyme or reason why. Sadly, so early on, it is like you are one wrong move or word away from it going south. Sucks to have to worry about that, which also makes on overthink... like you have done here.

 

That being said, if she was so worried about your vax status..... hard pass my friend. You likely dodged a bullet. 

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32 minutes ago, gq7mss said:

Holding off on reaching out for now unless someone thinks it is a good idea.

It’s probably not a good idea. With this much contempt between the both of you despite the drunken mess of it all, it’s a big huge pass. 

Also, limit the bar hopping. You went to three bars in one night on the second date. I strongly suggest you stick with just dinners in future.

Slow down and get to know the person bit by bit.

 

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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3 hours ago, gq7mss said:

Wow was not expecting this much feedback, greatly appreciate everyone taking there time out the day to give me there 2 cents. Loads of wisdom here.

Maybe it is possible I waited too long to reach out.  I really wanted to message her the day after but held back.
I held back as I was trying to not come off as needy.  I was worried me being at her place again on the second date might have come off as me moving too fast. And me staying 30 more minutes after she suggested she was tired (despite her then going in for. a kiss) may have come off clingy.

By messaging her sooner than later I was thinking it might turn her off or feel like she's moving to quickly into a relationship.

I think I agree with most, the "the anti vax conspiracy theorist" statement was the turning point for both me and her subconsciously.  I was willing to let it go though. 

I also agree that I posted this without acknowledging some possible red flags insofar as being somewhat disrespectful even if it was in jest.

I can't tell you how opposite I am in regards to the box she put me, she def didn't get to know me, but I am not going to try to go out my way to convince her otherwise.  That's lowering myself. Holding off on reaching out for now unless someone thinks it is a good idea.

I wouldn't play the waiting to text games again, but then again, I wouldn't date  floozies like this again.

Watch for red flags early on. Too much drinking too extreme,etc.

Anyone who gets drunk sloppy and stupid on the first few dates should be an automatic delete and block.

 

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2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

I wouldn't play the waiting to text games again, but then again, I wouldn't date  floozies like this again.

Watch for red flags early on. Too much drinking too extreme,etc.

Anyone who gets drunk sloppy and stupid on the first few dates should be an automatic delete and block.

 

I'm personally not a fan of blocking people as I think it's a horrible thing to do. It can be very distressing for the other person.

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16 hours ago, gq7mss said:

but got Covid early and had immunity

That is literally what every "anti vax conspiracy theorist" would said to you. How they got Covid before Covid even existed and how they are somehow "immune" now. Just saying. 

You are both different regarding that so I have a feeling by her reaction its more that then 5 days not contact(though that may have some influence too). If you are on diametrally different sides on very big issue today, and that early on, I think its not a good match overall. 

As  for ghosting, eh, it sucks but it happens. Personally wouldnt contact further. Her message(or lack of it) is pretty clear.

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7 hours ago, gq7mss said:

Maybe it is possible I waited too long to reach out.  I really wanted to message her the day after but held back.

I think this is the real cause. You ghosted her. 5 days to text? Too long if you're interested. I probably would have ignored you, too.

 

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Just wanted to point out, that if she no longer wants to date you due to you not being vaccinated, that's perfectly fine.

It doesn't make her a troll, or a horrible person. People want to date those they are compatible with on subjects they find important.

To vaccinate or not vaccinate, is still a very sensitive topic and loads of people on both sides.

It does sound as though you and her have different opinions about it.

Nothing wrong with it.

But it's probably why she's not replying back.

Take it as you two are not compatible, and move on.

Edited by SherrySher
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Again really appreciate the feedback from everyone! I saw the comment of someone arguing against natural immunity, sorry keeping this about dating advice. 

Thinking of giving her the benefit of the doubt after seeing a few folks responses.  

I think she was disrespectful when yelling out my medical status to strangers but if she was teasing in a joking manner not facetious and divisive I'll forgive it.  

Based on loads of chemistry on the first date and in the beginning of the 2nd date before going back and smoking too much together I am thinking to send one last message.

If she doesn't respond or responds negatively I will completely pull away and chalk it as a lesson. 

I drafted these two messages but I am not sure which of the two would be received better, thoughts? See below.  Or if you want to argue against sending either I'll consider that as well.

First message:

"Hey! I realize date 2 was a bit off, I was def in my head as I had a rough-stressful day. Also I think taking things slow is good thing, hopefully the minimal texting didn't come off as disinterest. We clearly had chemistry so if you change your mind lmk. I would be happy to see you again!"

Or: 

"Hey! I just wanted to say, I know the 2nd was a bit off. I had a rough day and was in my head about work/family matters and probably should have skipped smoking. If you change your mind lmk, I'd be happy to take you out for dinner and drinks. If not no worries."

 

Edited by gq7mss
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While I will still advise you to spare yourself some dignity and walk away....

If you absolutely must send her one more message before you can walk away in peace, then don't send either of those messages. Skip the self blame and keep it simple and straight to the point "I really enjoyed getting to know you so far and would love to take you out on another date. Please let me know if you are interested."

The whole self blame, I was so off my game thing makes you look really insecure and needy in a bad way. Drop that forever.

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Wow dating these days is such a political minefield! It's obvious to me, she was very hurt and disappointed, because she really liked you a lot! That's probably why she reacted the way she did....it totally crushed her. If you really really want this lady in your life, you may have to make that sacrifice and get vaxxed for the hell of it. Hope she is open to a discussion anyways.

Edited by smackie9
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