Boyfriend not interested in sex, found porn on his phone

[hmc32]

Hi there. Apologies for the length of this post. My boyfriend and I (early 30s) have been together 2 years and live together. We have discussed a serious future together including marriage and kids. Initially we had a very good sex life (at least twice a week) but I’d say over the past year or so, things have been dwindling. I think I have a higher sex drive than him, and often if I try to initiate sex - I often get turned down and he will say he is too tired. He often has long shifts and early starts but sometimes this is even the case on his days off. I’d say sometimes we have sex once every 2-weeks. I’m finding this difficult as I would like to have more sexual intimacy.

I’ve tried talking about this with him many times but he often gets very defensive and doesn’t want to talk about it. I feel he is embarrassed by it almost that I seem to want sex more than him. The relationship is otherwise great, he is affectionate and intimate in other ways but I feel when it comes to sex - he just doesn’t seem interested in me sexually.

I don’t know what to do. It makes me feel really insecure and anxious when we go so long without having sex as it is important for me. And sometimes I feel depressed when he isn’t interested and I don’t feel desired.

So I realise this is a pretty bad thing to do..but I did it out of desperation more than anything else. I realise this is an invasion of his privacy and I feel terrible but I found he has been using porn very regularly - and unexpected categories like GILFS/ grannies/ MILF/ older women/ really large women. He is 30. Im the same age and large breasted but not fat. He has also watched gay porn including searches for things like “twinks” (had to look up what this meant) and also males orgasming. It makes me so distressed knowing he watches this yet is not sexual with me. I realise straight men sometimes watch gay porn but I was besides myself.

I think he obviously watches this when I am out but it hurts me that he seems to be able to browse lots of porn but not be sexual with me. I understand that most men watch porn even in relationships, but surely if we are having less sex than I would like this is a problem? He clearly seems happy with sex with me once every couple of weeks because he is satisfying himself several times in between. 

I feel very hurt. I can’t bring this up as I obviously invaded his privacy and have probably made things worse!

I thought about casually asking him directly if he watches porn but think he will likely hide it.

Would be grateful for any advice. Thank you!

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, hmc32 said:

been together 2 years and live together. .over the past year or so, things have been dwindling.

I found he has been using porn very regularly. He has also watched gay porn including searches for things like and also males orgasming. It makes me so distressed knowing he watches this yet is not sexual with me. I realise straight men sometimes watch gay porn

Sorry this is happening. This isn't about you or your attractiveness.

Unfortunately he may have a double life. There's a lot you don't know about him under his façade.

Perhaps you jumped into living together too soon and all the rest is just future talk but no action.

How is his health? Does he have ED or other health issues?

Porn in itself is not a huge issue. There are  several issues here. One is lack of intimacy. Another is his proclivities.

Stop talking at him about it or begging for sex or taking it personally.

Start by going to a physician for STD testing. What you came across may be the tip of the iceberg if he's searching for man-to-man sex.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

It's a very tricky situation. I must admit.

If I were you, I'd sit with him and have one last talk. Tell him that you'd love to get intimate with him and that you miss that. If he still gets defensive and won't take into account your needs, then you know 1. It's not about you (you know from his phone he's checking out men/old women) 2. He doesn't love you enough to take your needs into account.

I'm not sure if bringing up the fact you found the other stuff out on his phone will change anything. Maybe other posters have a different opinion on this.

I'd then cut my losses and leave with my dignity. It's heartbreaking, but as wiseman mentioned, this could be the tip of the ice-berg. Also, yes, check for stds.

[Batya33]

What was the purpose of moving in together?  Did you have the same reasons? Do you have specific time-related plans for getting married? Honestly I've never heard of a straight man watching gay porn with any regularity- I mean I could see someone looking at any type of porn once whatever the sexual orientation.  Do you have other clues he is bisexual or bicurious, or anything like that? 

It doesn't matter whether most men watch porn. You're not marrying most men.  Just him, maybe.  It depends on how you feel about it.  I'd talk to him again about the lack of sexual intimacy but no need to mention porn.  Validate that it feels embarrassing and tell him maybe that if you ever have kids -if you ever get pregnant - you will have to be in and talk about lots of awkward and embarrassing situations - but the two of you as a couple with a future has to take priority.  But no if he's not meeting women in real life or interacting on a webcam with a particular woman I wouldn't bring up that you know he watches porn.  (With the fetish type categories is it possible he just brought those up in searches unwittingly but didn't watch?)

[hmc32]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. This isn't about you or your attractiveness.

Unfortunately he may have a double life. There's a lot you don't know about him under his façade.

Perhaps you jumped into living together too soon and all the rest is just future talk but no action.

How is his health? Does he have ED or other health issues?

Porn in itself is not a huge issue. There are  several issues here. One is lack of intimacy. Another is his proclivities.

Stop talking at him about it or begging for sex or taking it personally.

Start by going to a physician for STD testing. What you came across may be the tip of the iceberg if he's searching for man-to-man sex.

 

His health is ok Other than slightly increased BMI. When we do have sex, there is no problem with erections. On a few occasions he has lost his erection during sex and I noticed after that we didn’t have sex for a long time. I think in hindsight our sex life started to reduce after this. I also found that he searched for how to get stronger and longer lasting erections. I don’t know if he has turned to porn because of this (though I know it has the opposite effect)

The lack of intimacy is what bothers me most. I would never have checked his phone otherwise. I only saw searches for gay porn, didn’t see anything about meet ups

[hmc32]

1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

It's a very tricky situation. I must admit.

If I were you, I'd sit with him and have one last talk. Tell him that you'd love to get intimate with him and that you miss that. If he still gets defensive and won't take into account your needs, then you know 1. It's not about you (you know from his phone he's checking out men/old women) 2. He doesn't love you enough to take your needs into account.

I'm not sure if bringing up the fact you found the other stuff out on his phone will change anything. Maybe other posters have a different opinion on this.

I'd then cut my losses and leave with my dignity. It's heartbreaking, but as wiseman mentioned, this could be the tip of the ice-berg. Also, yes, check for stds.

I’ve had the conversation quite recently about 3 weeks ago. After that we had sex once but nothing after. He says that we will be more intimate but nothing happens. It’s really difficult.

I don’t want to reveal that I invaded his privacy. But we have never had a conversation about porn use.  If I’m honest, I feel very uncomfortable about him watching porn (how can I be sure this isn’t impacting on how often we have sex?!) and it’s a slippery slope. It makes me feel sick and I think ruins intimacy. Do you think I should start up a general conversation about porn? (Not about what is on the phone) and say that I worry if he is using that this could be impacting on how often we have sex ?

[hmc32]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

What was the purpose of moving in together?  Did you have the same reasons? Do you have specific time-related plans for getting married? Honestly I've never heard of a straight man watching gay porn with any regularity- I mean I could see someone looking at any type of porn once whatever the sexual orientation.  Do you have other clues he is bisexual or bicurious, or anything like that? 

It doesn't matter whether most men watch porn. You're not marrying most men.  Just him, maybe.  It depends on how you feel about it.  I'd talk to him again about the lack of sexual intimacy but no need to mention porn.  Validate that it feels embarrassing and tell him maybe that if you ever have kids -if you ever get pregnant - you will have to be in and talk about lots of awkward and embarrassing situations - but the two of you as a couple with a future has to take priority.  But no if he's not meeting women in real life or interacting on a webcam with a particular woman I wouldn't bring up that you know he watches porn.  (With the fetish type categories is it possible he just brought those up in searches unwittingly but didn't watch?)

We moved in together as a step towards engagement/ getting married. We have talked about timelines for both (as I’m in my early 30s and want kids and so does he). I’m so Shocked by everything to be honest. No - he isn’t like that at all. We’ve met each other families regularly and are close.

I don’t know whether to mention porn more generally. How do I know this doesn’t impact on our intimacy. I have so many concerns - intimacy, what if we want to try for kids and we are barely having sex etc. 

I don’t think so- he has searched for “mature” and BBW by name in the search engines. It makes me feel sick honestly. So he must have been actively searching.

 

[LaHermes]

5 hours ago, hmc32 said:

He has also watched gay porn including searches for things like “twinks” (had to look up what this meant) and also males orgasming.

Like it or not, OP, you may have to come to grips with the fact that he could be gay. 

[Rose Mosse]

You’re having sex with him and living together. No, you shouldn’t have gone through his phone but now that you have I think it’s redundant hiding the fact that you did. It’s one layer of secrecy and deception over another. His specific porn uses and your snooping. This isn’t a dynamic I’d see myself in long term unless it’s out in the open and two individuals sincerely wish to reaffirm their commitment. If you can’t speak to him I’d dump his a$$ and move out/move on with your life. 

If you do wish to speak about it come clean about looking through his phone and be more upfront and sincere about the scarcity of intimacy or that you feel cold/neglected or wish to improve the relationship but are very sorry for looking through his phone. You’re just as bad as he is at this point for the snooping so be open about things or move forwards your separate ways. 
 

[Lambert]

You are sexually incompatible.

Many people post about sexual needs not being met in their marriage.

You are not married. 

So I would remember that and seriously consider if this, how things are right now, is how you want your relationship and marriage to be. 

If your needs are not being met in a relationship do not move forward in the relationship. 

Take some time to think.  Talk to him about it. If nothing changes, I'd end it. 

Life is too short for this kind of problem. You deserve to feel desired and to have great sex. Relationships are hard. If your needs are not being met or at least a priority to the other person... you're better off alone where you have opportunities to find someone better.

Do not marry someone thinking marriage fixes anything.  Marriage will highlight the problems not fix them. 

[DarkCh0c0]

56 minutes ago, hmc32 said:

I’ve had the conversation quite recently about 3 weeks ago. After that we had sex once but nothing after. He says that we will be more intimate but nothing happens. It’s really difficult.

He doesn't want to. He's playing along so that you don't talk about it again.

51 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

It’s one layer of secrecy and deception over another. His specific porn uses and your snooping. This isn’t a dynamic I’d see myself in long term unless it’s out in the open and two individuals sincerely wish to reaffirm their commitment.

I would say that's a way to look at it. You can't hide and monitor his phone.

So, one last talk. He's either willing to be upfront with his feelings (he might, who knows) about porn and sex, or that could be the end of it for you too. Your needs needs to be taken into account in this relationship. It takes two to tango.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, hmc32 said:

On a few occasions he has lost his erection during sex. I also found that he searched for how to get stronger and longer lasting erections. 

Well that is the definition of ED. It seems like you are in shock since you overinvested in this by moving in and "talking about" a future.

He is not gay if he's having sex with you. He may be bi or on the down low etc. No straight men do not "usually watch gay porn".

Talk to your doctor.  Get tested for STDs. You need to face facts that he is actively seeking out man-to-man sex,  what you stumbled upon is only part of the puzzle.

Confronting him is pointless he will minimize and deny it and turn it on you.  Also you do not really know when he leaves the house and works all these 'extra hours'.

Sadly it seems you were looking for cheating evidence to explain the ED and lack of interest in intimacy/sex, and found something even worse.

 Cut your losses. Why live with a cold man with strange sexual tastes? The bottom line is he's not who you think he is, he's not affectionate or sexual and you're unhappy and starved for affection.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Well that is the definition of ED

If it's the case, and he trusts OP, then he should be able to talk freely to her about it. There's something off.

[smackie9]

This is what you do....talk. You don't have to tell him what you know. Ask questions in your discussion. And yes you can ask about porn and other things. I know this is an awkward thing to talk about but if you discuss things with understanding and be supportive, he will feel more comfortable with the conversation. He might not reveal everything but hopefully he will see things need to be repaired. I wish you luck. Don't give up hope.

[lostandhurt]

On 9/8/2021 at 1:55 AM, hmc32 said:

I realise straight men sometimes watch gay porn but I was besides myself.

Um... I have never watched gay porn and have no desire to ever.  Searching it out would make me wonder if he is in fact straight.  Perhaps there is something he hasn't told you yet.  There is nothing wrong with him watching  gay or straight porn as long as it doesn't ruin the real world intimacy between you two.

  If he has other sexual preferences he should tell you so you know before the relationship goes much further.  Not sure how to start this convo but it needs to be started.  Just don't bring it up after he couldn't preform or turned you down after you initiate sex.  Best to bring it up when things are calm so a conversation can happen, not an argument.

Lost

[Batya33]

On 9/8/2021 at 10:05 AM, hmc32 said:

We moved in together as a step towards engagement/ getting married. We have talked about timelines for both (as I’m in my early 30s and want kids and so does he). I’m so Shocked by everything to be honest. No - he isn’t like that at all. We’ve met each other families regularly and are close.

I don’t know whether to mention porn more generally. How do I know this doesn’t impact on our intimacy. I have so many concerns - intimacy, what if we want to try for kids and we are barely having sex etc. 

I don’t think so- he has searched for “mature” and BBW by name in the search engines. It makes me feel sick honestly. So he must have been actively searching.

 

So yes if he is not just watching porn but actively searching for gay porn you might want to mention that too.  I understand you two saw living together as a step towards getting engaged or married.  Being in your early 30s has the timeline stayed consistent meaning are you within the timeline you two discussed as far as getting married? It sounds like maybe he is trying to stall?

[Pleasedonot5]

OP,

Unfortunately, I've seen or heard of many of these "yes I will make changes" but then they make no changes situations play out. It is frustrating when partners seem to hear you out and agree, keeping you on board, but then they take no concrete action. My last partner was this way. I am sorry you are going through this.

How does sex between you go, in general? Are you a giving partner, or is he helping you out most of the time? Do you two discuss sexual kinks and interests openly? Is there something he would like that you could be doing but are not? Perhaps there is something you could do or change here that might do the trick. 

It would be unreasonable in my view to direct him to stop watching pornography. It is his private time. Pornography is usually not a slippery slope: not sure what you mean by that. People watch pornography all of the time yet never cheat. However, if overuse of pornography is adversely affecting his desire to be intimate, then it is reasonable to discuss this overuse. 

Some posters have suggested he may be homosexual. He may be. It is almost certain that he isn't entirely straight. But he has sex with you and seems to enjoy it. So, there is perhaps more support for that he is bisexual or, as one dating site describes it, "heteroflexible." If he is indeed bisexual or heteroflexible, then I think your relationship is capable of surviving the revelation.

I agree with the other posters that this requires another, last, talk. You two should discuss what might help. Further, ideally this talk puts him on on implicit notice that the relationship is in peril, because your need for intimacy is not being met and he does not seem to be taking action to alleviate your reasonable concerns. 

I hope this helps. Best of luck, OP.

[Unsure2021]

What a horrible discovery. I’m so sorry OP! Goes to show we rarely truly know who someone is. Give yourself big props for listening to your gut and checking for yourself. Never feel guilty about protecting yourself, especially when the other person is clearly deceptive, promising one thing and not delivering or communicating.
 

This may also save your life, as unfortunately this man is likely gay (the only man I know who actively searched and watched gay porn more than once is gay). He may be engaging in gay sex, which is very high risk unprotected, and that may be also the reason he doesn’t seek you out for sex or loses his erection during the act. 
 

I would definitely not marry this man and put an end to the relationship as he is not who he claims to be. Also, even if he weren’t gay (big if), people’s sexual habits rarely change so even if he makes promises, he will likely continue to not deliver and waste your time. You deserve much better.

[SherrySher]

Porn addiction is real.

He sounds like he has a serious addiction, and may also be bi but doesn't want to admit it to you, or maybe even to himself.

But at some point, you're going to have to sit down and talk to him about all of it. It's not going to go away, your sex life won't get better. He is obviously focused elsewhere, and there is no point in both of you suffering it out like this.

You need to talk, and you need to talk now.

[goddess]

On 9/8/2021 at 7:13 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. This isn't about you or your attractiveness.

Unfortunately he may have a double life. There's a lot you don't know about him under his façade.

Perhaps you jumped into living together too soon and all the rest is just future talk but no action.

How is his health? Does he have ED or other health issues?

Porn in itself is not a huge issue. There are  several issues here. One is lack of intimacy. Another is his proclivities.

Stop talking at him about it or begging for sex or taking it personally.

Start by going to a physician for STD testing. What you came across may be the tip of the iceberg if he's searching for man-to-man sex.

 

i totally agree with this, in general, but especially the last sentence. Beware.

[Kwothe28]

On 9/8/2021 at 10:55 AM, hmc32 said:

I realise straight men sometimes watch gay porn but I was besides myself.

I think there was some research where they did the porn viewing habits of men. Anyway, conclusion was that, while viewing habits of straight men are largely in that category, over 1/5 of them does indeed watch gay porn. Not my cup of tea but yes, there are some who do enjoy it. However, conclusion of the research was that, while they do identify as "straight", "getting off" to bunch of naked men does indicate that they are attracted or even would not stop them to hook up with other men. So, if his categories are like that, you should be worried. Especially if he doesnt perform in the sack but in the meantime gets off to strange porn fetishes. All those porn is very specific. Like "I cant get off to anything else" specific. So it does seem that he developed really strange fantasies. Who you (unless you become very large woman as one of categories lol), probably cant match in any way. So, that warrants a very serious discussion with him. Because watching porn is one thing. But he does seem to developed sort of addiction to very strange things. That lead him to not being able to perform with you do to it. 

[James516]

It's difficult to tell if your focus is actually more on the porn than the intimacy issues. Based on your description, you're both sexually incompatible. The rest is guesswork. As someone else said, these are the things that end up being many years of suffering through a go-through-the-motions empty marriage, but you're fortunate not to be married yet. He already has his escapism, often the other partner will find someone else to fulfill missing needs. No need to wait for that bad life dance.

These are issues that don't get solved in one conversation even if you get past explaining how it was okay looking at his private search history. What often happens is one person will have makeshift promises, so maybe the sex will increase temporarily and he'll learn to delete his search history, but the behavior returns. If you really want to attempt to work on establishing both your and his concerns as well as work on them, this is something that should involve regular sessions with a relationship counselor to sort out both partners' wants and goals for this relationship to last. It may help you both work on getting on the same page, or help you both realize that you won't get there and this relationship may be heading toward needing to discontinue.

[greendots]

According to the sexual preferences you described he could potentially be bi / gay / or somewhere in between.

May I ask you something? How open is he with you about his life in general?

Does he discreetly check out other attractive men when out and about? Attractive, in the sense of what he finds attractive. That would be a giveaway that he's into men.

Also, you mentioned he works long hours. What does he do for living? And how long ago did you move in together?

I wasn't planning on bombarding you with questions, but the answers to those might give you a better insight on what's actually going on.