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Help my son with the passing of his grandpa


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My son is having a very hard time with COVID fatigue and gets enraged easily with ANY talk of it. He blames restrictions partially for the death of his grandpa. ( which is partially true, my father found restrictions extremely impossible for people who were mobility disabled and deaf and with severe health issues. )

 

I have acknowledged his feelings , we have talked. I am extremely Covid fatigued myself and of course miss my father and my husband is gone until Christmas.

 

My son refuses ALL suggestions of therapy so that is pointless and at 23 I can’t force him.

 

If I wasn’t so down myself.

 

Any suggestions on helping him with his grief and anger?

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I think as Moms we go into fix it mode. It's always been our job to keep our kids safe and safe from hurt.

Unfortunately grief and anger are normal, often healthy responses to life events.

It's hard to step back and not try to make it all better.

 

It sounds like you are doing a good job and he knows the door is open to talk and you understand that he's hurting. Unfortunately, you might just have to ride this one out.

 

Hang in there. It must be difficult when you have so much else going on at the same time. Stay mindful to what is yours and what is his.

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Set boundaries for your own sanity.

if he starts BLAMING things that don't have anything to do with Covid on Covid, rants about things and is not being "productive" in his discussions (just talking in circles) "I love you and like to listen to you, but when you talk about that, I will go back to my book" (or name what you are doing instead). Not as a threat -- just quietly do it and ignore him for a bit, unless he comes to you in a calm manner about something else. After this a few times and he asks why you won't listen, tell him that if he wants to talk about it, then he can tell a therapist.

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When you say covid fatigue as it affects your family could you be more specific (or is this specific to the passing of his grandpa only)? Some people don't like talking about it. I abide by the rules and restrictions but refuse to make it a part of a 'talk' or allow it to overtake other areas of my life. I do have to meet with others periodically and it does come up in conversation. I hear a lot more rants than I do say anything about the topic in general which works for me.

 

He may have to work through his emotions in his own time.

 

Maybe you seek to connect more on the topic (your grieving process vs his) but he is seeking more normalcy without having to talk about it.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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For the time being, do whatever you can to keep him away from any talk about Covid...it's obviously a trigger.

 

I know it may be difficult with media, but for now anyhow, talking about Covid will only make things worse.

 

Distraction will help. Maybe watch movies with him that he will enjoy and aren't anything upsetting, suggest different activities as well that he enjoys that won't trigger him.

 

It's tough. In our house, we try to keep the tv off and if we want to watch something, we use Netflix. Somedays a person just doesn't want to hear the dismal crap, so I get where your sons coming from. Add into it mourning a loss and it's tough.

 

Give it time, it will pass. Right now he's trying to work through his feelings and he will in time.

 

Hope you're doing okay in the meantime, Seraphim. Hugs.

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I don't blame him.

 

COVID fatigue is affecting all of us. It really is new territory.

 

That said, so what? We've each of us had to deal with the death of a grandparent. It sucks, but it's also natural. Help your son understand that while circumstances right now are not necessarily ordinary, the ultimate circumstances are.

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I think as Moms we go into fix it mode. It's always been our job to keep our kids safe and safe from hurt.

Unfortunately grief and anger are normal, often healthy responses to life events.

It's hard to step back and not try to make it all better.

 

It sounds like you are doing a good job and he knows the door is open to talk and you understand that he's hurting. Unfortunately, you might just have to ride this one out.

 

Hang in there. It must be difficult when you have so much else going on at the same time. Stay mindful to what is yours and what is his.

True, I am very protective of him. And he will resolve it in time. COVID is especially difficult because of course non of us have lived through any of this and it was part of the reason my father chose to die and my son deeply resents COVID partly for that reason. He also couldn’t go say goodbye to grandpa at the hospital so he last saw my dad last Christmas.

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Set boundaries for your own sanity.

if he starts BLAMING things that don't have anything to do with Covid on Covid, rants about things and is not being "productive" in his discussions (just talking in circles) "I love you and like to listen to you, but when you talk about that, I will go back to my book" (or name what you are doing instead). Not as a threat -- just quietly do it and ignore him for a bit, unless he comes to you in a calm manner about something else. After this a few times and he asks why you won't listen, tell him that if he wants to talk about it, then he can tell a therapist.

Well, he doesn’t talk about things that have nothing to do with Covid and just connect them. They are logical connections and he’s angry.

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You need to deal with your own anger and grief first. Kids pick up stuff they sense.

 

Unsure if I should post here with any sound, well meant advice if it's just venting or to dispute

.

If I wasn’t so down myself.

 

Any suggestions on helping him with his grief and anger?

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When you say covid fatigue as it affects your family could you be more specific (or is this specific to the passing of his grandpa only)? Some people don't like talking about it. I abide by the rules and restrictions but refuse to make it a part of a 'talk' or allow it to overtake other areas of my life. I do have to meet with others periodically and it does come up in conversation. I hear a lot more rants than I do say anything about the topic in general which works for me.

 

He may have to work through his emotions in his own time.

 

Maybe you seek to connect more on the topic (your grieving process vs his) but he is seeking more normalcy without having to talk about it.

Covid is apart of everything, our work, where we go what we do, where we can and can’t go , the fact we can’t see my husband etc and etc. It has invaded everything and was part of my dad‘s reason of choosing to die.

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For the time being, do whatever you can to keep him away from any talk about Covid...it's obviously a trigger.

 

I know it may be difficult with media, but for now anyhow, talking about Covid will only make things worse.

 

Distraction will help. Maybe watch movies with him that he will enjoy and aren't anything upsetting, suggest different activities as well that he enjoys that won't trigger him.

 

It's tough. In our house, we try to keep the tv off and if we want to watch something, we use Netflix. Somedays a person just doesn't want to hear the dismal crap, so I get where your sons coming from. Add into it mourning a loss and it's tough.

 

Give it time, it will pass. Right now he's trying to work through his feelings and he will in time.

 

Hope you're doing okay in the meantime, Seraphim. Hugs.

For sure, we haven’t had our TV on the news for months. But of course he can see social media on his own. He is a very avid YOUTUBE watcher so Lord knows what he watches on there. And he has some ideas which are extremely opposite to mine.

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I don't blame him.

 

COVID fatigue is affecting all of us. It really is new territory.

 

That said, so what? We've each of us had to deal with the death of a grandparent. It sucks, but it's also natural. Help your son understand that while circumstances right now are not necessarily ordinary, the ultimate circumstances are.

Well, not so much natural. My dad was 74 and stopped his dialysis and said that’s it I’m going to die bye-bye. And my son never got to say goodbye.

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I'm so sorry for all you are going through. I wish I had some good advice to share...You know your son. What are some of the things that you have taught him, raised him with as coping mechanisms?

 

Do you know what I mean? In my family, when bad things happen, we talk about things and let us just feel how we feel.

 

i can hear my own parents saying, life is hard but getting through it to better times is important, acknowledging how we feel and accepting sometimes it just is awful.

 

A death, an untimely one, a pandemic and all. There's not a bright side. Recounting how much you loved your dad/grandpa, what his life meant to you guys...

 

Creating a place where he feels understood and comforted and then maybe some encouragement to get the physical anger out at the gym, with a punching bag or doing chores like chopping wood or what you guys do. Cleaning, tackling a project, ripping down wallpapers or an old shed....

 

Its all about the coping, channeling pain out and also balancing in comforts. Leaving his favorite snack out on the table, giving him space, also encouraging him understand he is not alone, you're here and dealing with it, too.

 

Hugs.... I don't know if this helps or not...

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He would never do that right now.

 

(Or virtually which is what I did, calling people who live alone -elderly people - during this covid time). Anyway sounds like my suggestion didn't work. I am sorry he is having such a hard time.

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(Or virtually which is what I did, calling people who live alone -elderly people - during this covid time). Anyway sounds like my suggestion didn't work. I am sorry he is having such a hard time.

My son can’t make phone calls unfortunately. His auditory processing disorder doesn’t allow him to understand what is happening on the phone. He needs to see a person’s face .

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I'm so sorry for all you are going through. I wish I had some good advice to share...You know your son. What are some of the things that you have taught him, raised him with as coping mechanisms?

 

Do you know what I mean? In my family, when bad things happen, we talk about things and let us just feel how we feel.

 

i can hear my own parents saying, life is hard but getting through it to better times is important, acknowledging how we feel and accepting sometimes it just is awful.

 

A death, an untimely one, a pandemic and all. There's not a bright side. Recounting how much you loved your dad/grandpa, what his life meant to you guys...

 

Creating a place where he feels understood and comforted and then maybe some encouragement to get the physical anger out at the gym, with a punching bag or doing chores like chopping wood or what you guys do. Cleaning, tackling a project, ripping down wallpapers or an old shed....

 

Its all about the coping, channeling pain out and also balancing in comforts. Leaving his favorite snack out on the table, giving him space, also encouraging him understand he is not alone, you're here and dealing with it, too.

 

Hugs.... I don't know if this helps or not...

I will answer when the littles are in bed. ❤️

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Tough one since both of his male role models are not around right now.

 

Is your husband able to do video chats with your son? If so maybe those could be a little more frequent until he returns.

 

When your son was younger what was his outlet for his frustrations? Was there anything he could do to release some of his anger back then?

 

23 not matter the diagnosis is still a tough age for a son and his mother.

 

((HUGS))

 

Lost

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Well, he doesn’t talk about things that have nothing to do with Covid and just connect them. They are logical connections and he’s angry.

 

SO -- you have listened to his anger. There is nothing you can do to fix it, so use your boundaries to a) stop hearing about it b) it reinforces the idea if he wants to wallow unproductively - he can see a therapist. You don't have to listen to the same anger all the time that doesn't change/there are never any realizations. this to preserve your own sanity and stress. If he wishes to talk to you, he can find other topics.

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I'm sorry, ~Seraphim~.

 

Hopefully, there can be healthy distractions for him so he won't have as much brain space to grieve and mourn. Perhaps get him involved in various activities to keep him busy.

 

My condolences and I'm sorry for your loss.

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Is there maybe some way you could arrange for him to say goodbye?

Years and years ago, when my father passed, my brother was not able to go to the funeral due to being in hospital at that time. His recovery was a long one, but once he was able, my mom arranged a special little ceremony where just us went to visit dads grave, and we tied letters to dad on helium balloons and let them free.

OK, not the most environmentally responsible, but my brother has told me how important that was to him. We also planted trees, in honour of dad.

These particular ideas may not be the best ones for your son, you know him better than anyone. Just the idea of something a bit structured where the space and time is specifically for saying goodbye and honouring the person.

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Is there maybe some way you could arrange for him to say goodbye?

Years and years ago, when my father passed, my brother was not able to go to the funeral due to being in hospital at that time. His recovery was a long one, but once he was able, my mom arranged a special little ceremony where just us went to visit dads grave, and we tied letters to dad on helium balloons and let them free.

OK, not the most environmentally responsible, but my brother has told me how important that was to him. We also planted trees, in honour of dad.

These particular ideas may not be the best ones for your son, you know him better than anyone. Just the idea of something a bit structured where the space and time is specifically for saying goodbye and honouring the person.

He went to the funeral. It is more about he is enraged COVID had a hand in killing his grandpa.

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