Help my son with the passing of his grandpa

[Seraphim]

I'm sorry, ~Seraphim~.

 

Hopefully, there can be healthy distractions for him so he won't have as much brain space to grieve and mourn. Perhaps get him involved in various activities to keep him busy.

 

My condolences and I'm sorry for your loss.

All of his activities have been cancelled due to COVID.

[Seraphim]

I'm so sorry for all you are going through. I wish I had some good advice to share...You know your son. What are some of the things that you have taught him, raised him with as coping mechanisms?

 

Do you know what I mean? In my family, when bad things happen, we talk about things and let us just feel how we feel.

 

i can hear my own parents saying, life is hard but getting through it to better times is important, acknowledging how we feel and accepting sometimes it just is awful.

 

A death, an untimely one, a pandemic and all. There's not a bright side. Recounting how much you loved your dad/grandpa, what his life meant to you guys...

 

Creating a place where he feels understood and comforted and then maybe some encouragement to get the physical anger out at the gym, with a punching bag or doing chores like chopping wood or what you guys do. Cleaning, tackling a project, ripping down wallpapers or an old shed....

 

Its all about the coping, channeling pain out and also balancing in comforts. Leaving his favorite snack out on the table, giving him space, also encouraging him understand he is not alone, you're here and dealing with it, too.

 

Hugs.... I don't know if this helps or not...

 

It does help. I am just a lost mama right now.

[Seraphim]

Tough one since both of his male role models are not around right now.

 

Is your husband able to do video chats with your son? If so maybe those could be a little more frequent until he returns.

 

When your son was younger what was his outlet for his frustrations? Was there anything he could do to release some of his anger back then?

 

23 not matter the diagnosis is still a tough age for a son and his mother.

 

((HUGS))

 

Lost

Thank you.

[maritalbliss86]

This made me so heartbroken to read... I'm so sorry Seraphim. Things like this are a lot harder for people with autism :( Have a friend whose adult daughter has autism and is also having troubles coping off and on with the restrictions controlling their life. It just breaks up their normal and comfortable view of things.

 

Then the grief and anger... I do think autism makes the processing take longer, because it's normal for them to go in circles trying to figure it out. Which can make the parent weary hearing it go round and round, but it does I think help them.

 

I'll be thinking of you both and praying.

[maritalbliss86]

Just a suggestion, not sure if this would help, but do you think you can help him understand that at least your dad chose to leave on his own accord?

 

Maybe your dad was the kind of man that wanted to live life on his own terms? It would make sense with him wanting to face death on his own terms then.

 

If you can maybe help your son see all this - if it's actually true - maybe that could help him come to terms with his grandpa choosing death due to COVID? It would explain it and maybe take away the anger part if he can see that this was his grandpa's choice to do this. He can still feel angry about it, but this was just the kind of person his grandpa was (if this is true).

 

I think sometimes when someone has something like terminal cancer and their family wants them to still try to go through all the painful treatments, they choose to die instead. My grandma did that, but we all understood the treatments probably wouldn't have worked anyway, and would have only caused her longer, drawn out pain.

 

But she definitely chose death at that time. It was her choice and chance and she took it.

[Cherylyn]

All of his activities have been cancelled due to COVID.

 

How about indoor activities? Outdoor activities? In the neighborhood? Sports? Hobbies? Interests? Safe activities which can be done despite COVID-19?

[Seraphim]

Just a suggestion, not sure if this would help, but do you think you can help him understand that at least your dad chose to leave on his own accord?

 

Maybe your dad was the kind of man that wanted to live life on his own terms? It would make sense with him wanting to face death on his own terms then.

 

If you can maybe help your son see all this - if it's actually true - maybe that could help him come to terms with his grandpa choosing death due to COVID? It would explain it and maybe take away the anger part if he can see that this was his grandpa's choice to do this. He can still feel angry about it, but this was just the kind of person his grandpa was (if this is true).

 

I think sometimes when someone has something like terminal cancer and their family wants them to still try to go through all the painful treatments, they choose to die instead. My grandma did that, but we all understood the treatments probably wouldn't have worked anyway, and would have only caused her longer, drawn out pain.

 

But she definitely chose death at that time. It was her choice and chance and she took it.

He knows logically that grandpa chose death on his own terms but emotionally he is not ready to let him go. He knows his grandpa had no quality of life. My son finds emotions abhorrent normally. He says they are painful so normally doesn’t display a lot of them except for kids or animals. This year is painful in every way for him.

[Seraphim]

How about indoor activities? Outdoor activities? In the neighborhood? Sports? Hobbies? Interests? Safe activities which can be done despite COVID-19?

 

He only likes animé card games with other Autistics, all closed due to COVID. He hates sports and hates the outdoors since infancy. They provide too much stimulation. He is incredibly stimulation avoidant. He spends 19 hours a day in his room to avoid stimulation. And if he is out of his room he’s wearing headphones.

[maritalbliss86]

He only likes animé card games with other Autistics, all closed due to COVID. He hates sports and hates the outdoors since infancy. They provide too much stimulation. He is incredibly stimulation avoidant. He spends 19 hours a day in his room to avoid stimulation. And if he is out of his room he’s wearing headphones.

 

Seraphim, do you think he can Zoom with them? It's a video call on the computer where he'd be able to see their faces and they'd have an easier time interacting.

[Seraphim]

Seraphim, do you think he can Zoom with them? It's a video call on the computer where he'd be able to see their faces and they'd have an easier time interacting.

 

Unfortunately, no, he hates artificial communication. He literally talks ONE minute on a phone , FACETIME or anything and he is done. He won’t even do it for his father who is on course right now. He stims all day due to agitation this year. ( he chews things , which is actually an anxiety relief.)

[maritalbliss86]

Has he actually tried Zoom though? It's on the computer so it's more similar to watching someone's Youtube video than a video call on a phone.

 

I'm so sorry, that just sounds so hard. At least the stimming gives him some relief.

[Seraphim]

Has he actually tried Zoom though? It's on the computer so it's more similar to watching someone's Youtube video than a video call on a phone.

 

I'm so sorry, that just sounds so hard. At least the stimming gives him some relief.

We don’t have a PC , we only use iPhone or IPad. We used to use Skype on PC when my husband was deployed that was a no go too.

[maritalbliss86]

Oh ok, it's no different from Skype. I'm so sorry Seraphim, you're a good momma to him.

[Seraphim]

He just has very definite ideas that he will not deviate from like ever. And now as an adult is far more entrenched.

 

What scared me was he said he wanted to kill himself if crap continued. He told me he said it out of extreme anger and would never do that.

 

But as a 6’1” 220 , 23 year old I can’t make him do squat. He is also pretty intelligent and researches a lot of things and he has a lot of very definite ideas about COVID I can’t say here but if you Bring up Covid in any capacity or any main stream ideas about it he will rip you a new one.

[Wiseman2]

You seem too overwhelmed to deal with him. Where are his extended family, neurologists, therapists, etc.? Can people from your autism support group help you? No one's suggestions seem to be acceptable, but no one here is an expert in autism management. perhaps that's where you need to turn to.

[SherrySher]

He sounds like a big guy and if he has anger issues, Seraphim, I would seriously be concerned that you dealing with him on your own could be potentially dangerous. Not only for your own well being, but for his too.

 

I also worry that if there is a second wave, how he will respond after not long losing his grandfather. Do you have any backup support should things go wrong?

[Seraphim]

He sounds like a big guy and if he has anger issues, Seraphim, I would seriously be concerned that you dealing with him on your own could be potentially dangerous. Not only for your own well being, but for his too.

 

I also worry that if there is a second wave, how he will respond after not long losing his grandfather. Do you have any backup support should things go wrong?

I can guarantee he would never hurt me. He has never hurt a person ever. We are in our second wave already.

[Seraphim]

You seem too overwhelmed to deal with him. Where are his extended family, neurologists, therapists, etc.? Can people from your autism support group help you? No one's suggestions seem to be acceptable, but no one here is an expert in autism management. perhaps that's where you need to turn to.

His extended family is too elderly to help. He doesn’t want a therapist, ever at 23 you can’t make someone. I don’t like “ autism groups” they are mostly ableist. I don’t have spoons right now for their ableist BS.

[Seraphim]

I know it seems like I am obstructionist but he is another adult. He also has limitations as to what he will tolerate due to SPD and other issues .

[Rose Mosse]

When things are overwhelming or just sh-t in general, I return to what I love doing most. Sometimes it's nothing at all (vegging or sleeping earlier). Is there anything you can do to help your feeling of helplessness? I don't mean to misstep here. Just getting the feeling like you're disenchanted and frustrated with everything going on. I think that's okay.

[Seraphim]

When things are overwhelming or just sh-t in general, I return to what I love doing most. Sometimes it's nothing at all (vegging or sleeping earlier). Is there anything you can do to help your feeling of helplessness? I don't mean to misstep here. Just getting the feeling like you're disenchanted and frustrated with everything going on. I think that's okay.

That is it. We ARE both disenchanted with EVERYTHING right now and feeling overwhelmed. You’re right we both need to do some stuff we like . And it is ok to feel like this and for him to be mad about losing his grandpa.

[Rose Mosse]

I'm pissed from time to time too. I try to figure out what's causing it and deal with it separately from other things going on otherwise there could be serious issues in other areas. The great part about family is that you can show sides of yourself you can't show to anyone else. It is okay to be mad! Not okay to take it out on each other but definitely okay to feel frustration and be upset.

 

Stress stays in the body for awhile though. I try to avoid problems before they happen. I'm figuring out my limits also as I go and change or adapt.

[Fudgie]

COVID has been difficult on my family too, especially on my sister who also has autism. She has been angry, sad, scared, etc. Her life has had to change a lot and many things that she enjoyed doing/going to she can't do right now.

 

I am not sure if this will work for your son but in my family, we've been very honest with her. Yes, COVID sucks and yes, it's okay to be angry. We've talked a lot as a family about how fortunate we are overall. Roof over our heads, good healthcare, still have jobs, we are safe, etc. We aren't being bombed by an air force, we aren't being forced to go to war, and we understand what precautions we can take to keep ourselves safe. It's okay to be sad/angry sometimes but then it feels better to do activities that you like at other times.

 

I do agree with abitbroken that if he is ranting/raging at you, then you can calmly tell him that you do not wish to hear that and calmly walk away. He may be an adult but he is not entilted to rant at an unwilling party. When my sister gets ranty at me, I tell her that she can do that but not to me because I don't want to hear it and she needs to be considerate of that. Anyone can feel anything they want and anyone can express those feelings in a way that doesn't hurt others. But ranting at someone who is pained to hear it is not okay.

[Seraphim]

COVID has been difficult on my family too, especially on my sister who also has autism. She has been angry, sad, scared, etc. Her life has had to change a lot and many things that she enjoyed doing/going to she can't do right now.

 

I am not sure if this will work for your son but in my family, we've been very honest with her. Yes, COVID sucks and yes, it's okay to be angry. We've talked a lot as a family about how fortunate we are overall. Roof over our heads, good healthcare, still have jobs, we are safe, etc. We aren't being bombed by an air force, we aren't being forced to go to war, and we understand what precautions we can take to keep ourselves safe. It's okay to be sad/angry sometimes but then it feels better to do activities that you like at other times.

 

I do agree with abitbroken that if he is ranting/raging at you, then you can calmly tell him that you do not wish to hear that and calmly walk away. He may be an adult but he is not entilted to rant at an unwilling party. When my sister gets ranty at me, I tell her that she can do that but not to me because I don't want to hear it and she needs to be considerate of that. Anyone can feel anything they want and anyone can express those feelings in a way that doesn't hurt others. But ranting at someone who is pained to hear it is not okay.

You can’t even talk about COVID he totally loses it. So we just talk about other things 99 % of the time. We are very honest with him. His anxiety comes out as anger like mine does. He needs to know what , why, when, where, time about situations 100% of the time and right now nothing follows those rules so he is blown out of the water .

[Seraphim]

COVID has been difficult on my family too, especially on my sister who also has autism. She has been angry, sad, scared, etc. Her life has had to change a lot and many things that she enjoyed doing/going to she can't do right now.

 

I am not sure if this will work for your son but in my family, we've been very honest with her. Yes, COVID sucks and yes, it's okay to be angry. We've talked a lot as a family about how fortunate we are overall. Roof over our heads, good healthcare, still have jobs, we are safe, etc. We aren't being bombed by an air force, we aren't being forced to go to war, and we understand what precautions we can take to keep ourselves safe. It's okay to be sad/angry sometimes but then it feels better to do activities that you like at other times.

 

I do agree with abitbroken that if he is ranting/raging at you, then you can calmly tell him that you do not wish to hear that and calmly walk away. He may be an adult but he is not entilted to rant at an unwilling party. When my sister gets ranty at me, I tell her that she can do that but not to me because I don't want to hear it and she needs to be considerate of that. Anyone can feel anything they want and anyone can express those feelings in a way that doesn't hurt others. But ranting at someone who is pained to hear it is not okay.

Will PM you.