I got in a relationship without knowing it?

[Notmi 4]

I dont know if this is the correct section to post this since it includes many types of relationships so I am going to post it here and it will be probably moved.

 

So I am 27 y old woman, I have been in two long term relationships, first (4years) being abusive and the second one(5years) with an emotionally unavaliable boyfriend. Breaking up this May left me completely scarred, unable to love and trust. I am not over my last long term, we are still talking once in a while, I miss him a lot and love him and I am trying to forgive and accept what our relationship was and that we tried our best and just stay friends (not hate each other).

 

Since then I got involved in a sexual and romantic "relationship" with a friend of mine. It was really chill and made me feel free and happy and even feeling like falling in love, finally being able to focus on myself and have a nice time with another person whenever our schedules allowed it. After the first 3 months I started having some other personal problems (I changed jobs and the new one is really demanding and I have a serious issue with my roomates), and this made it difficult for me and the new love interest to meet and spend time together.

He lives still with his parents and sisters and I live with 2 other people in a house that barely is for 2. (Big problem where should I post about this? I really need help).

My roomates dont like it when he comes here, and are being passive aggressive about it, but I can get the tension it creates.

All of this makes me extremely tired and I really lack personal space and time. I only see him at night for 2-3 hours before sleep once a week and the we sleep together and when we wake up I go to work and thats it.

With COVID and stuff every bar and cafe and restaurant is closed and we really cant go anywhere else.

This is bothering him. Its been a month now he starts demanding more space in my life and I feel like I am drowning. He is overanalyzing my every move, even if we meet and I feel tired and I need sleep he act like, what is wrong and I have to apologize about being sleepy. He is not agressive or manipulative he is too sensitive and probably feels more about me than I do for him.

I cannot be involved in another relationship right now. I need something free of demands and responsibilities so I can actually enjoy my free time. I have told him this and he agreed but now he acts like, "we have to talk about how this is going and about our problems etc" I feel really tired. I spent the last 9 years discussing my emotions and relationship problems and I feel hurt and I need time. I dont want to push him away completely I just need to find a way to communicate this.

Edited October 31, 2020 by Notmi

[Andrina 669]

I'm assuming he's about 27 as well, yet doesn't have his act together to live on his own? And then solely blames you for the lack of alone, couple time? No, he's no prize. When a relationship is regularly stressful/upsetting versus enjoyable, it's not the right one for you. Learn to be happy solo before dating again. You keep repeating the pattern of picking the wrong men, and you will continue that pattern until you've done the work on yourself. Take care.

[gsxr104 66]

I can certainly understand the frustration this is causing you both. This is just my opinion, but I would tell him just as you explained it to us. If he cares about you he should understand and give you the space to take a breather and gather yourself. If he doesn't and is not willing to do that then you may want to rethink your future with him. If he can't work through the small things with you, then the bigger ones will be even more overwhelming for you. I know it's easier said than done, but that's pretty much it in a nutshell.

[bluecastle 983]

Sorry about all this.

 

Cutting to the core, the impression I get is that, not consciously, you've chosen to heal from a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man by getting into a relationship where you get to play that role. "I cannot be involved in another relationship right now," you wrote, but in what context? You are in a relationship, of sorts, and that didn't just happen. You chose it. While early on he was probably okay with you being unavailable—because, like you, like most people, he enjoyed the heat and flutter—but is less okay with that as feelings developed and isn't handling it gracefully.

 

Solution? I say this is the moment to be honest, with him and with yourself. If you can't be involved in a relationship that is anything more than a FWB-like connection, be straight about that, understanding that they tend to have a shelf life. This one, you now can see, has reached its shelf life, since he wants a level of availability in you that isn't there. Perhaps spend some genuine time on your own, to work through some of the healing so other people aren't bandaids and anesthetics. You know first hand the pain that comes from being attached to someone unavailable, so odds are you don't want to put other people in a position you've been in.

[Rose Mosse 520]

The good part is that he wants to talk about it. Being tired isn't an excuse. You'll have to muster up the energy and try and be as respectful as possible. It doesn't have to be a long or drawn out affair. Tell him you appreciate the time together but you're not looking for a serious relationship. If he presses you for answers, cite your work and your limitations. Don't open up the discussion and tell him he's overbearing or a hypocrite for still living with his parents but putting too much pressure on you to provide private space and time away from roommates or family members.

 

If the situation were different and you both were working out a bump along the way I'd say invest more time into making this relationship work but it was not supposed to work from the start. He's a rebound.

 

Don't use him as a crutch to feel good about yourself. I think you know the legwork and hard work is a solo project. It doesn't involve anyone else and it's a good thing to take some time off to yourself. Don't make any apologies for that and move forwards. There's a time and place for everything. Have courage.

[Hollyj 1,436]

Sounds like you are in another bad relationship.

 

Why don't you take a break from men and give yourself some time to heal. You man picker is way off.

 

At 27, this guy should be living on his own. he has no right to guilt trip you.

 

You can't have things both ways. That is selfish. End things and go no contact.

 

Your friends were right. This guy is a rebound.

Edited October 31, 2020 by Hollyj

[Wiseman2 2,308]

It's fine to hookup, have a FWB, etc. What's not so good is that he lives at home. And you impose on your roommates with an overnight guest.

 

If you want to keep it "carefree", have him over at a reasonable hour. Do Not Let Him sleep over. It may be best to consider dating a man who is mature and capable enough to have his own place.

My roomates dont like it when he comes here, and are being passive aggressive about it, but I can get the tension it creates.

 

I only see him at night for 2-3 hours before sleep once a week and the we sleep together and when we wake up I go to work and thats it.

[abitbroken 1,294]

I'm assuming he's about 27 as well, yet doesn't have his act together to live on his own? And then solely blames you for the lack of alone, couple time? No, he's no prize. When a relationship is regularly stressful/upsetting versus enjoyable, it's not the right one for you. Learn to be happy solo before dating again. You keep repeating the pattern of picking the wrong men, and you will continue that pattern until you've done the work on yourself. Take care.

 

 

I have relatives that due to COvid they moved in with family.

One cousin lived in a city apartment alone where the little grocer down below is closed, and he is very isolated - so he moved back to his parents to actually see another human being and also it helps because his dad has early dementia and him working from home there gives his mom a chance to breathe (he cannot be left alone) and mom can go to the grocery store, check in on a neighbor in the same situation without having to have my uncle tag along - and its easier for him when he is home than when he is out and get confused. My cousin still has his apartment. He may let it go when his lease is up or may not.

 

So i don't right no judge people as not having their act together for living with family.

 

I think he is not wrong to want some time with her, but its hard to have picnics at the park as its getting colder. I think he wants a relatioship and she is not ready for more than sex -- neither of them area wrong but how did they even hookup with roommates and families? ? I don't blame the roomies for not wanting an extra

[LootieTootie 77]

You can't have your cake and eat it too. These are covid times and you have to understand that people aren't cool about having their space be preoccupied by a stranger at night just so you can get laid. I'm sure he is not coming over at night just to talk right?

 

On top of that, he is needy and doesn't understand that he is nothing more than a FWB.

 

You need to make it clear to him that you care about his feelings but you only want him at night because it's FWB situation. If he wants more, you can't be doing these rendezvous any more. Simple.

[ShySoul 28]

So, can I first say that him living at home at 27 doesn't have to mean he isn't mature or doesn't have his act together? None of us know his circumstances. People can choose to live at home for a variety of reasons: caring for a family member, in the process of saving up for or looking for another place, having lost a job or having financial issues (something plenty of people are dealing with because of COVID). Depending on where you live, having a place by yourself can be expensive and not practical.

 

Notmi, you described this as a sexual and romantic "relationship." Then you say that you don't have time for a relationship. You can't have it both ways. Relationships based on sex inevitably lead to feelings on the part of at least one feelings. Sex is an emotional thing. You get attached to your partner. So of course he was going to develop feelings. Then you added in romance. You even said you felt like you were falling in love. So there's deeper feelings on both sides. Once those feelings develop, the next step is to talk about where you are going. I don't think you can cut off those feelings and just have a casual fling anymore. So you need to decide if you are ready for more or if you need to cool it off. You could possibly be friends, but that would mean no sex or romance since those things would just confuse things more.

 

It sounds like you need time apart from anything resembling a relationship. You've spent basically the last nine years involved with someone, a third of your life. You've got issues with work and roommates. You are feeling overwhelmed by everything around you and are burnt out from the stress. Maybe you need to focus solely on you? Yes, being with someone feels nice. But if you're not ready for a commitment, then he needs to know. It's only fair to him to not let his heart get any more into this. And it's better in the long term for you. Given your past relationships, you should really not seek out someone else. Get comfortable just being you and working on bettering your own life. When you're ready for something else, you'll know.

[reinventmyself 889]

The term FWB keeps getting used, but I see it as just as much or more of a rebound.

If you were giving the same argument about your rebound, we'd tell you to spend some time healing on your own. Not at anyone's else's expense.

He clearly doesn't see it as a FWB and I doubt he'd be happy to just be your rebound.

[catfeeder 1,881]

I cannot be involved in another relationship right now.

 

You've learned some advantages of rebounding, and you're also learning some of the disadvantages.

 

Choose where you stand on this, and then back that decision up with communication AND action.

 

"I don't want a relationship..." does NOT mean, I want a relationship on my own terms. So if you want the luxury of learning how to enjoy navigating solo, DO that, and stop messing around with the guy.

[Batya33 1,904]

You've found a way to communicate to him that you want to have intercourse -he apparently understands when you want to have sex with him. I didn't live on my own till I was 28 because my parents let me live at home while I finished grad school to save $. I was much more independent when I moved out at 28 but I had good reason for living with my parents -what is his reason? Also no it's not cool to have overnight guests right now especially who are your sex partners.

 

I would simply tell him right now you're just looking for someone to hang out with once in awhile and if sex is involved, that's fine. He wants more, that is obvious to you -tell him that - and you cannot give him that right now. Please don't tell him how special and amazing he is -just be as straight as you are with him when you get naked and have sex with him. He doesn't need the flattery and you don't need to tell yourself that it's "so hard" to be simple and direct.

[Notmi 4]

UPDATE.

 

Thank you all for your advice and help.

I decided to talk to him and explain the situation.

We went for a walk and I was very very honest with him, I told him that I am very hurt and I had no time to heal and I cannot invest in another relationship right now. I also explained all the stress I live through daily and why I feel like isolating, and all of this combined with a lockdown due to COVID makes me depressed. I told him that I still like him and I would love to continue something cool between us but meeting once a week is already hard and I have no more to give emotionally. I explained that I like to keep my little free time to myself and not share it, and that is something he needs to respect.

He said he understands and we had a great time.

But of course it did not last. He did not really understand ANYTHING. He continues to call and inviting himself over at my place and I have to bring myself at the akward place to say no and find reasons to why I cannot see him. For example, the other day I told him that I was tired from working in front of the PC for 10 hours straight and he was saying to me how can you be so tired, or arent you used to it yet and stuf like that. I get that he wants to see me but I want to be alone. He makes me furious but I dont want to cut him off completely. I enjoy his company as a friend too and I dont want us not to talk at all.

Help?

[Wiseman2 2,308]

It's not your job to provide him a place to hang out when he wants to get away from mommy and daddy. Stop imposing on your roommates.

[Rose Mosse 520]

Don't reply right away to his texts or calls to meet. Leave it for a few hours or a couple of days. It doesn't sound like he respects you. It could be limited experience or understanding in general in relationships or he's actually quite aggressive and disrespectful. Either way it doesn't sound good the way he speaks to you. Don't respond to comments or questions from him that question your abilities or priorities, period.

 

You have a lot on your plate and you've explained yourself once already. You don't have to tap into more of your energy and explain it again. Just distance yourself. Once he learns your pattern of responding and that you'll only respond to well-meaning and respectful texts or voicemails, he may change his tone with you.

 

You teach people how to treat you.

[catfeeder 1,881]

I have to bring myself at the akward place to say no and find reasons to why I cannot see him.

 

Naah, you don't. It's not awkward to just say, "That's not good for me." Then suggest a better time, or say you'll come back with one.

 

You're the one assigning yourself to the job of jumping through hoops to appease this guy.

 

Anybody who tries to guilt or manipulate you against a simple 'no' is not someone worth keeping around.

 

You can't control someone to whom you relinquish your own control.