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So for those who read my previous post (He's ignoring me), here's an update.

 

So most people agreed I should let it go and move on. So instead of heeding everyone's advice, I did the complete opposite (I know, don't kill me guys😅). I sent him a bottle of his favorite drink with a little note saying I'm sorry for my behavior and would like to continue to be in contact. He mentioned before that it was really hard to find it over here. Yeah, I know crazy idea.. this could go two ways. He either thinks I'm a crazy stalker or maybe he sees it as a nice gesture. So it was the latter, he reached out to me thanking me for the bottle and saying that it really was not necessary. So I replied and then he didn't respond back for a day. So I'm like, here we go again! And decided I was not going to bother with him anymore. But then he replied saying he promises that he's not ignoring me, but that it has been really hectic at work due to corona. And he's been sending me proof of what he's been doing etc. So yeah.. we've been talking again. I'm just going to see where it goes and take a calmer approach 🤷

 

Side note: It's been 4 dates in total not 2 and we started talking in January.

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If you need "proof" of what he is doing then it's easy -he's the wrong person for you. And you're lucky IMO to know that now. I'd stop chasing him and accept that he is happy to text with you when it's convenient for him. But he's not "that" into you -so please stop investing emotionally in him.

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If you need "proof" of what he is doing then it's easy -he's the wrong person for you. And you're lucky IMO to know that now. I'd stop chasing him and accept that he is happy to text with you when it's convenient for him. But he's not "that" into you -so please stop investing emotionally in him.

 

Maybe I said that wrong, I didn't ask for any proof nor was he really sending proof. He was just showing me what he's been up to. But yeah.. food for thought.

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Cool. Let it play out without more gestures to control the outcome. He now knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that you are very into him and very much hoping your freakout didn't freak him out. Time will provide you the answer, if you can let time do its thing.

 

Just be realistic, both in terms with someone you've only gone on four dates with, and a backdrop of surreal upheaval and psychic distress. While I can certainly understand the desire to connect during this time, along with the escapist buzz of early romance to stave off the buzz kill of reality, it all makes watering the seeds of anything authentic a very real challenge.

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Maybe I said that wrong, I didn't ask for any proof nor was he really sending proof. He was just showing me what he's been up to. But yeah.. food for thought.

 

Yes but you need to see it as "proof" if you thought he was interested in dating you you wouldn't need that sort of "proof" -and believe me -if he is texting you there is no proof -he could be anywhere, doing anything with anyone. I met my husband in 1994. We've been together a total of 16 years. Never once did I need any sort of proof for myself that he was where he said he was or with who he said he was with or doing what he said he was doing. He lied to me once in a huge way -so that he could throw me a surprise 30th bday party at a hotel and make sure I got there without ruining the surprise. I lied to him for the same reason for his surprise parties.

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He now knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that you are very into him and very much hoping your freakout didn't freak him out.

 

This^

 

Right now there seems to be a giant disparity in your levels of interest.

 

Him:

1. Identifies dealbreaker walks away

 

You:

1. Freaked out creating dealbreaker. Already showing a ton of interest and willingness to put his approval of you above your own approval of yourself

 

2. Chases him to point he ignores ypu

 

3. Takes being ignore to an even higher level of pursuit by a grand gesture of buying & sending a gift

 

its very difficult for relationships to thrive in a healthy way when the interest level is skewed. Respect may not be equal, because frankly, one person (you) proved you're willing to give more to keep things going.

 

You may have set a dynamic where he thinks you don't have a lot of options and therefore do this with all guys-- rather, any guy, that shows any interest.

 

Here is my theory for the most common thing a lot of women don't realize about men. Granted this is a generalization and it does not apply to all men. But humour me folks...

 

A man thinks what a woman does for him, she does with all guys. If you sleep with him early on, you must sleep with all men early on.

 

Its funny because women are the opposite! We slept with him because we really liked him and saw it going somewhere in our minds. We think he treats us better than he does anyone else... We're shocked when we see our ex posting with his new girl something that was "our thing".

 

But I digress...

 

Texts are really the bare min of effort. You'll know you're in real trouble, when its the classic booty call text, "u up?"

 

You're really in a tough spot here, because with the pandemic its hard to do more than call & text. And your make up gift may have made you prime choice for "back burner when I need her" status to him.

 

I don't know how you flip that power dynamic. I mean to say, being pissed he ignored you was the right response, as while you were wrong, he didnt care... he walked.

 

I wonder do any of the men of ENA have advice on how to get this back into balance?

 

You cant say anything or bring it up because that will just make you crazy girl. And you can't be just good time girl because, then you will just become booty call girl...

 

I'd back way off, let him come to you and then be busy sometimes, which again is hard in these times... Good luck.

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Compelling analysis, Lambert.

 

I can't say I fully agree with the assessment of men vs women, as laid out (pun intended). I'll speak for myself, one man, not all. When I sleep with a woman, be it after one date or many months? I don't really think anything about her, in terms of how she behaves with other men or that her choice to sleep with me is loaded with meaning. I'm thinking, roughly, that she seems cool and compelling, that I feel comfortable enough to be physically intimate—and, hey, it seems her thoughts about me are kind of the same. Great! As for where I see that all going? That will likely depend more on my headspace in life—am I seeking a relationship, or not?—than anything to do with the woman or what happened between the sheets.

 

Pulling that digression back to another...

 

If I was this guy? My drama antenna would be flickering. Not good. In a short span of time he was naked with her, then accused of being a player, then broken up with, then apologized to and asked if the breakup could be falsified. If I had been interested in exploring a serous relationship? All that would give me pause. If I was a "player" interested in casual fun? Well, ditto, since I'd know that I was dealing with someone for whom casual is, at best, an illusion. Total Catch-22. If I retained interest in either of those pursuits? What I would be most interested in—far more than a bottle of nice liquor, much as I enjoy those—would be determining if things could just chill, a bit.

 

So how to flip the "power dynamic"? You just chill. No more grand gestures, be they kind or corrosive. You be cool, for real, rather than playing cool. You keep the universal human anxiety of all this—felt by us men at the same octaves as women—in the can, and remember that you hardly know this person, are totally fine if it doesn't go anywhere, and you lean on that (along with a glass of wine, Zoom chats with girlfriends, chocolate, crunches, meditations, whatever) for stability in the rocky waters of dating. You see if things level off, if interest is shown, if the record scratch becomes a waltz again. If so, great. If not, great.

 

All of which might be hard here. It's hard, alas, to recover from early record scratches, just like it's hard to have a great vacation if you get sick on day 2 of 5, even if it's a passing bug. It's hard to date during a global pandemic. So, hurdles. But, hey, humans are wild and always surprising. So: inhale, exhale, let time do it's thing. The person with the most "power," after all, is the one who can submit to time rather than trying to bend time to suit his or her own story or soothe their own edginess.

 

My too many cents in strange times.

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Compelling analysis, Lambert.

 

I can't say I fully agree with the assessment of men vs women, as laid out (pun intended). I'll speak for myself, one man, not all. When I sleep with a woman, be it after one date or many months? I don't really think anything about her, in terms of how she behaves with other men or that her choice to sleep with me is loaded with meaning. I'm thinking, roughly, that she seems cool and compelling, that I feel comfortable enough to be physically intimate—and, hey, it seems her thoughts about me are kind of the same. Great! As for where I see that all going? That will likely depend more on my headspace in life—am I seeking a relationship, or not?—than anything to do with the woman or what happened between the sheets.

 

Pulling that digression back to another...

 

If I was this guy? My drama antenna would be flickering. Not good. In a short span of time he was naked with her, then accused of being a player, then broken up with, then apologized to and asked if the breakup could be falsified. If I had been interested in exploring a serous relationship? All that would give me pause. If I was a "player" interested in casual fun? Well, ditto, since I'd know that I was dealing with someone for whom casual is, at best, an illusion. Total Catch-22. If I retained interest in either of those pursuits? What I would be most interested in—far more than a bottle of nice liquor, much as I enjoy those—would be determining if things could just chill, a bit.

 

So how to flip the "power dynamic"? You just chill. No more grand gestures, be they kind or corrosive. You be cool, for real, rather than playing cool. You keep the universal human anxiety of all this—felt by us men at the same octaves as women—in the can, and remember that you hardly know this person, are totally fine if it doesn't go anywhere, and you lean on that (along with a glass of wine, Zoom chats with girlfriends, chocolate, crunches, meditations, whatever) for stability in the rocky waters of dating. You see if things level off, if interest is shown, if the record scratch becomes a waltz again. If so, great. If not, great.

 

All of which might be hard here. It's hard, alas, to recover from early record scratches, just like it's hard to have a great vacation if you get sick on day 2 of 5, even if it's a passing bug. It's hard to date during a global pandemic. So, hurdles. But, hey, humans are wild and always surprising. So: inhale, exhale, let time do it's thing. The person with the most "power," after all, is the one who can submit to time rather than trying to bend time to suit his or her own story or soothe their own edginess.

 

My too many cents in strange times.

 

touche Blue!

 

I do agree with what you said. However, I think you are more evolved than the average man. [emoji5]

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touche Blue!

 

I do agree with what you said. However, I think you are more evolved than the average man. [emoji5]

 

Awwww. But not sure about the evolved part. Just evolving, alongside everyone.

 

Per the earlier post on this? I think what’s critical—and this applies to both genders—is to assume that sex means absolutely nothing save for an extension of whatever has been discussed prior to having sex. If you’re cool with it happening with zero ideas or discussion of anything? Wonderful, enjoy. If you need some sense of things? Use words, while clothed, so bodies don’t become currency. And if after having sex you’re feeling the need for some clarity? Again, use words (not extrapolations from dating profiles) and chose them with care.

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Awwww. But not sure about the evolved part. Just evolving, alongside everyone.

 

Per the earlier post on this? I think what’s critical—and this applies to both genders—is to assume that sex means absolutely nothing save for an extension of whatever has been discussed prior to having sex. If you’re cool with it happening with zero ideas or discussion of anything? Wonderful, enjoy. If you need some sense of things? Use words, while clothed, so bodies don’t become currency. And if after having sex you’re feeling the need for some clarity? Again, use words (not extrapolations from dating profiles) and chose them with care.

True. All very true. But that requires true vulnerability along with healthy doses of self understanding and acceptance... things we can forget when our crush walks in the room....

 

which is pretty great, too... considering I haven't seen my crush walk in the room in a month! lol. good times this pandemic...

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I'm a Blue fan too. You are more evolved than the majority. Own it. :)

 

As for this guy, OP, if you have to chase, he's not into you. You keep running after him and running after him. Honestly, I feel bad for you. It's not supposed to be like this.

 

If he's not chasing back, let it go. Him replying because he feels he has to or out of politeness, doesn't mean he's into you.

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Yeah, I guess that's being vulnerable. Though it's awfully vulnerable to be naked with someone so, hey, if you can get used to that you can get used to the rest. A salt shake of evolution, one could say, which always makes for a better meal.

 

I do agree with you, Sherry, on the general read here in terms of chasing. In this case, the impression I get is that the chasing is less about interest in him than it is in not being seen as the "crazy" one or not losing the sense that he was interested in her. Maybe I'm wrong, but it might worth thinking about.

 

Such strange times. I really can't imagine trying to date through them. Can imagine trying, and wanting to, but succeeding? My imagination hits a bit of brick wall on that front.

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Well the way I see it is that if this guy really likes you then you probably didn't need to send the bottle. You already told him previously that you were sorry and you regretted what you said and wanted to get back together. I think if he really wanted you back that should have been enough. Look maybe you were right and he liked you but he also wasn't super crazy about you either. Though I guess he hadn't been seeing you long and most people don't fall in love really fast. Maybe he could have liked you more with more time. But yeah just next time try to be relaxed and like you're just taking things slow. People don't want a stage 5 clinger lol

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I would take a big step back now, OP, and remember that it's unlikely he'd be so busy everyday at work that he couldn't possibly make time to message you at all. People have bits and pieces of downtime before and after work. It might not be much, but I promise you that if he were still interested, you wouldn't be wondering if he's decided to go silent again.

 

Now, he could be simply sitting on things and trying to work out if he wants to give it a chance. He was evidently pretty turned off before but he might be reconsidering after this gesture from you. It's hard to say. He doesn't want to be rude and ignore your gift altogether, so he acknowledged it. He's buying time with telling you he is busy at work, likely thinking about whether or not he still feels there's anything there. You'll find out soon enough if he wants to give it a go again.

 

All you can do now is know you did what you could. It might work out, it might not. Be willing to step away if he continues to be largely silent.

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Yeah, I guess that's being vulnerable. Though it's awfully vulnerable to be naked with someone so, hey, if you can get used to that you can get used to the rest. A salt shake of evolution, one could say, which always makes for a better meal.

.

 

One would think [emoji5]

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Such strange times. I really can't imagine trying to date through them. Can imagine trying, and wanting to, but succeeding? My imagination hits a bit of brick wall on that front.

 

Agree... the best I think anyone (trying to date) can do at this time, is just try to stay in touch, look for equal amounts of effort from both sides and see ya when we can start socializing in person again.

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If you need to bribe someone to be with you or talk to you after 4 dates, it seems incompatible.

I sent him a bottle of his favorite drink with a little note saying I'm sorry for my behavior and would like to continue to be in contact. he replied saying he promises that he's not ignoring me, but that it has been really hectic at work due to corona. It's been 4 dates in total .
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It also looks like a bribe for his attention. You knew if he had any manners whatsoever he'd be forced to contact you to say thank you.

 

I'm not sure why this made you feel better.

 

I used to bring food and things to my ex because I wanted him to want to keep seeing me. I had doubts about how into me he was, so I was trying to make myself more appealing and enticing by buying him things.

 

Trying to buy love is always a bad tactic.

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It doesn't really matter if he's legitimately busy or not. A whole lot of people justifiably have very little interest in carrying on a psuedo LDR through the pandemic. Texting and calling gets dull quick for I'd even say most people under normal circumstances, never mind when navigating stay-in-place orders, working from home, and public shutdowns. If I'd been on all of four dates with a woman when this hit, even if I was interested, it'd be a "let's meet up ASAP once this has blown over." Granted he could have and should have been up front, but he hinted to it as obviously as anyone could.

 

If I had to guess, dude either feels obligated because of the gift or is honestly kinda spooked given you've resorted to sending things to his physical address.

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