Left my boyfriend!

[Hannah97]

Contact him to arrange a mutually convenient time to collect your things. Then block and delete him and his family, people etc from all your social media.

 

It is not that simple while we are in lock down. He is staying at friends for the time being, we both were but with everything that happened i had to go back to my mums

[bluecastle]

I'm sorry, but you are choosing to make this all much more complicated than it needs to be. I don't say that judgmentally—these are hard moments!—but in hopes of helping you find some clarity. Need your stuff back? Okay, you send him a note, telling him to pack it up, and that you will pick it up on his stoop at time x. Not fun, no, but very doable, even in lockdown. Then you change your relationship status, and should anyone ask you say it just stopped working. They will say they're sorry to hear that. You will say thank you. Also not fun, but doable, a thing that people do.

 

Lessons for the future? The single best thing about dating someone with a kid is that it's very, very easy to discover if they have a stable relationship with their ex, or not. If they tell you their ex is crazy and jealous, if they talk about endless drama involving the kids, and if their ex is regularly contacting you in an accusatory rage—well, those are all signs to run, don't walk, to the nearest exit. Means that a fire is still burning and that your chances of getting burned are high. You're young, you didn't know that when you met him, but now you do. Great. Growth. Not always fun, but always positive.

 

This businesses with Facebook? It is refusing to swallow the growth pill life has presented you on a silver platter. Imagine my house gets destroyed by a tornado, and I come to you and ask: Do you think I should still water the rose bush by the mailbox, or let it dry out? I would hope that you would gently, but firmly, try to get me to focus on the pile of bricks and wood that was once my house, not some artifice at the edge of the property that once represented "home."

 

The best part about all this is that it was just a few months of your life. Going back to who you were, and where you were, before all this is not scaling Mt. Everest. It is doable. In doing it you will experience feelings of growth, of self-empowerment, of clarity—feelings that will assist you in mourning and processing and moving on.

[boltnrun]

I get that it's easier to focus on trivial matters like your Facebook status. But really, it is trivial. If you have friends who will interrogate you about the ending of your relationship maybe it's time to find new friends.

[Hannah97]

I get that it's easier to focus on trivial matters like your Facebook status. But really, it is trivial. If you have friends who will interrogate you about the ending of your relationship maybe it's time to find new friends.

It's not that they will interrogate me. My friends, as in the ones i had before i met him would be nothing but supportive. Its the mutual friends, i have come to be friends with a lot of his mates through is being together and am still in contacy with them also we know a lot of the same people through our companies working together for events, it is more them i do not want knowing things as i do not want him finding out the real reason for my leaving. Also i just do not want anything i say in general to get back to him

[Wiseman2]

Why is it your job to tell his friends? "it didn't work out". Simple. Let him explain to his own people why things ended. Trying to control this whole thing is causing you more harm than good. Stick to your own people.

[boltnrun]

It's not that they will interrogate me. My friends, as in the ones i had before i met him would be nothing but supportive. Its the mutual friends, i have come to be friends with a lot of his mates through is being together and am still in contacy with them also we know a lot of the same people through our companies working together for events, it is more them i do not want knowing things as i do not want him finding out the real reason for my leaving. Also i just do not want anything i say in general to get back to him

 

So don't say anything! Just say you two decided to break up!

 

And why are you still communicating with his "mates"? You aren't required to be in contact with them regarding your personal business just because your companies work together for "events" that are probably cancelled anyway.

[Hannah97]

So don't say anything! Just say you two decided to break up!

 

And why are you still communicating with his "mates"? You aren't required to be in contact with them regarding your personal business just because your companies work together for "events" that are probably cancelled anyway.

 

Events are cancelled right now, yes. Neither of us are currently able to work during the lockdown. And i still communicate with the ones that i have become friends with myself. I do not just randomly talk to his friends but i have gotten to know some of them and become friends since we got together.

[boltnrun]

Events are cancelled right now, yes. Neither of us are currently able to work during the lockdown. And i still communicate with the ones that i have become friends with myself. I do not just randomly talk to his friends but i have gotten to know some of them and become friends since we got together.

 

So if you tell them "we decided to break up, it wasn't working out", how is that going to "get back" to your ex? And who cares if it does? And you think they will interrogate you? If they do, just say you don't want to get into the details.

 

This is becoming circular. There is no reason whatsoever to keep your Facebook status as "In a Relationship" with him.

[Hannah97]

Why is it your job to tell his friends? "it didn't work out". Simple. Let him explain to his own people why things ended. Trying to control this whole thing is causing you more harm than good. Stick to your own people.

 

It is not my job to tell his friends at all. Nor do i plan to. But i feel stuck now as i told him i had cheated on him as a way to end the relationship without him trying to convince me to stay and without bringing his ex and everything i now know into the equation so now any of our mutual friends and contacts that he speaks to and tells are going to be told that that is what happened

[Hannah97]

So if you tell them "we decided to break up, it wasn't working out", how is that going to "get back" to your ex? And who cares if it does? And you think they will interrogate you? If they do, just say you don't want to get into the details.

 

This is becoming circular. There is no reason whatsoever to keep your Facebook status as "In a Relationship" with him.

 

I do not think i am explaining things very well. Sorry. Thank you anyway

[catfeeder]

It is not my job to tell his friends at all. Nor do i plan to. But i feel stuck now as i told him i had cheated on him as a way to end the relationship without him trying to convince me to stay and without bringing his ex and everything i now know into the equation so now any of our mutual friends and contacts that he speaks to and tells are going to be told that that is what happened

 

Well, listing a relationship status or not has zero to do with that. You can't put whatever toothpaste you spread to one person back in the tube. That's why it's never smart to say anything to anyone that you don't want to become public.

[MissCanuck]

It is not my job to tell his friends at all. Nor do i plan to. But i feel stuck now as i told him i had cheated on him as a way to end the relationship without him trying to convince me to stay and without bringing his ex and everything i now know into the equation so now any of our mutual friends and contacts that he speaks to and tells are going to be told that that is what happened

 

Well, yeah. That's why it was a very bad idea to take the approach you did. You really should have thought that one through more, Hannah.

 

You can't undo that now, as I doubt many people will believe you if you try to back-pedal and say it wasn't true. You'll have to take this as a tough lesson about the importance of speaking your truth and not just doing whatever other people want you to do. There is a reason we all have backbones and yours needs strengthening. Don't make this mistake again in the future.

[Hannah97]

Well, yeah. That's why it was a very bad idea to take the approach you did. You really should have thought that one through more, Hannah.

 

You can't undo that now, as I doubt many people will believe you if you try to back-pedal and say it wasn't true. You'll have to take this as a tough lesson about the importance of speaking your truth and not just doing whatever other people want you to do. There is a reason we all have backbones and yours needs strengthening. Don't make this mistake again in the future.

 

I just wanted to do what i thought was best for the children as i feel i have already caused them enough pain over these last months

[Jibralta]

I just wanted to do what i thought was best for the children as i feel i have already caused them enough pain over these last months

 

Understood. You probably could have made better choices, but I think you acted well overall. Unfortunately, you are not going to get a medal of honor for that. Some people will continue to dislike you. Time to put your big girl pants on and move on.

[bluecastle]

I just wanted to do what i thought was best for the children as i feel i have already caused them enough pain over these last months

 

I get this. At the same time? You have not caused these children any pain, nor have they ever been your responsibility. That is for their parents, two people who were clearly struggling with the business of being grownups before you ever came into things. Whether they get a grip, or not—well, that will the result of their choices moving forward, not yours.

 

Sometimes the biggest thing to do—most of the time, honestly—is to not think of ourselves as the main character in other people's stories, no matter how dramatic things get for a bit. So while you're trying very hard not to ruffle any more feathers, those very attempts are just going to ruffle more, since you're essentially creating a maze where there is a straight line, numerous lies (that you cheated, that you're still together according to Facebook) in favor of a simple, sad truth.

 

You're young and this was a short relationship that did not end well. Lots of hurt, lots of lessons. The sooner you put it all behind you, the sooner you can work through those feelings and digest those lessons, so you'll make different choices in the future.

[Jibralta]

Sometimes the biggest thing to do—most of the time, honestly—is to not think of ourselves as the main character in other people's stories, no matter how dramatic things get for a bit. So while you're trying very hard not to ruffle any more feathers, those very attempts are just going to ruffle more, since you're essentially creating a maze where there is a straight line, numerous lies (that you cheated, that you're still together according to Facebook) in favor of a simple, sad truth.

 

Very much agreed.

[catfeeder]

Two most important things that I needed to learn in order to exit relationships that didn't work for me were: 1) neither person needs to be (or become) a villain, and 2) both people don't need to agree to a breakup, it only takes one.

 

Just saying 'This isn't working for me, I'm not happy, and I don't want us to continue seeking one another,' may not sound like a satisfactory 'reason' to break up, but there are no judges or juries in our love lives. The fact that one person wants out means it's done, regardless of whether the other person agrees, or not.

 

Casting yourself as a villain was overkill, but there's nothing you can do about it now.

[Hannah97]

I have been trying to get on with things and stay away from everything for a little bit but i have had his ex messaging me again. Originally she was asking why i still had my relationship status public saying that she did not believe i had really ended things and that he had said things to her and she did not know what to believe. I replied telling her i had not been on social media and was keeping to myself for the time being, and that what was said between them was just that, between them and i had not spoken to him. She then asked again a few days later so i took the status down and informed her i had done so. I'll admit i was a little reluctant at first as i did not want everyone finding out just yet.

 

I thought that would be the end of it but then last night she messaged again saying she still thinks it is part of an elaborate plan to get her to stop putting any blame on me. I told her i had more important things to worry about and that she should try and get on with her life, like i am with mine. I told her i did not want to speak to her and apologised if i sounded rude. She then continued to say that i owed her the truth. I got mad, told her to grow up, that she had issues and to stop contacting me and again, to get on with her life. To which she replied she was but that her life included him and that that is why she wanted to find out the truth. And that she does have issues, that because of me, she has trust issues.

 

 

While i understand her needing the truth, i do not understand why she feels the need to keep contacting me about things instead of speaking to him. And i do not understand why i should be expected to prove myself to anyone, least of all her.

 

I have been nothing but honest with her from the start.

Also her trust issues are not down to me as i knew nothing of their relationship when me and him got together.

 

Why won't she leave me alone? I've left him. She should be happy. She can have him back now, if she hasn't already.

[Seraphim]

Block her.

[Lambert]

I have been trying to get on with things and stay away from everything for a little bit but i have had his ex messaging me again. Originally she was asking why i still had my relationship status public saying that she did not believe i had really ended things and that he had said things to her and she did not know what to believe. I replied telling her i had not been on social media and was keeping to myself for the time being, and that what was said between them was just that, between them and i had not spoken to him. She then asked again a few days later so i took the status down and informed her i had done so. I'll admit i was a little reluctant at first as i did not want everyone finding out just yet.

 

I thought that would be the end of it but then last night she messaged again saying she still thinks it is part of an elaborate plan to get her to stop putting any blame on me. I told her i had more important things to worry about and that she should try and get on with her life, like i am with mine. I told her i did not want to speak to her and apologised if i sounded rude. She then continued to say that i owed her the truth. I got mad, told her to grow up, that she had issues and to stop contacting me and again, to get on with her life. To which she replied she was but that her life included him and that that is why she wanted to find out the truth. And that she does have issues, that because of me, she has trust issues.

 

 

While i understand her needing the truth, i do not understand why she feels the need to keep contacting me about things instead of speaking to him. And i do not understand why i should be expected to prove myself to anyone, least of all her.

 

I have been nothing but honest with her from the start.

Also her trust issues are not down to me as i knew nothing of their relationship when me and him got together.

 

Why won't she leave me alone? I've left him. She should be happy. She can have him back now, if she hasn't already.

geez oh man... this lady does like the drama. Or she has no friends. Or she just likes the drama lol

 

OR! She really just enjoys talking to you about how she has him back and oh, should she believe him?? don't you think? don'tcha? don'tcha? a-hole.

 

I'd block her. who cares what she needs.

 

YOU ARE SOOOO MUCH BETTER OFF WITHOUT THUS GUY AND ALL THIS BS!

[HeartGoesOn]

 

Why won't she leave me alone? I've left him. She should be happy. She can have him back now, if she hasn't already.

 

Because you continue to leave that door open. As long as you agree to be her audience, she has center stage.

[Wiseman2]

Why do you invite her to contact you? What's up with this catfight over this jerk? Why do you want keep injecting yourself in their lives? Are you hoping she'll get frustrated and leave him so you can have him back? It ridiculous to have her bf on your social media as if you're still a couple.

 

Why not change it and block and delete him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. Why waste all your time on this drama?

I thought that would be the end of it but then last night she messaged again saying she still thinks it is part of an elaborate plan to get her to stop putting any blame on me. i do not understand why she feels the need to keep contacting me

[Jibralta]

I have been trying to get on with things and stay away from everything for a little bit but i have had his ex messaging me again. Originally she was asking why i still had my relationship status public saying that she did not believe i had really ended things and that he had said things to her and she did not know what to believe. I replied telling her i had not been on social media and was keeping to myself for the time being, and that what was said between them was just that, between them and i had not spoken to him. She then asked again a few days later so i took the status down and informed her i had done so. I'll admit i was a little reluctant at first as i did not want everyone finding out just yet.

 

Hopefully now you have a convincing answer to your question as to whether you should have changed your social-media relationship status.

[reinventmyself]

I would think the toll of ending a relationship like this would be more than enough. I'd be hunkered down taking extra special care of myself and working on getting balance and peace back into my life.

 

One thing I would never do is entertain a distraught woman demanding answers so she can feel better about taking this fool back.

Why would you invite this type of drama into your life? Especially at this time?

 

You may have given her good answers, but you don't owe her anything. She needs to go to him for answers. Not you.

 

As long as you engage her you are still part of this triangle and not moving forward.

[Hannah97]

I have changed my relationship status. I changed it and i told her that i changed it. I do not invite her to message me. I usually do not reply to her but she just keeps messaging and so i replied to tell her not to keep contacting me and that i did not want to talk to her.

 

The only reasons i did not change it right away were because i did not want everyone knowing straight away and also i did not want to come across as a coldhearted b*tch by changing it too quickly. I did not expect his ex to be checking on my profile when we aren't even friends on there and to be questioning me over it.

 

She has said she doesn't believe we are over as i never changed it right away and that she thinks the conversation revolving around our break up and the speed at which he told her about it all happened to fast. That she just wants to know the truth and doesnt care if we are still together. But then states that she is getting on with her life and that her life includes him, which leads me to believe they are already back together so surely she should know then that it is the truth and does not need to keep messaging me?

 

I never thought my break up would involve my now exes ex